Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
Finding the Courage to Forgive
In January 2010, when I met Elizabeth Gilbert at her book signing, everyone was thanking her for sharing her story. By the time I got to meet her, I decided enough people had thanked her, so I said something different. I said, "Liz, congratulations on finding the courage to love again." She stopped midway through her signature and looked up at me with an inquisitive glance. I then explained that I am a divorced divorce lawyer, so I understand how hard it is to let go of the past and move forward. She mockingly told me that I did not need to read the book "Committed" because I already knew everything in there, but I shook my head and said, "no, unlike you I have not found the courage to truly love again." Lots of people have been telling me that I have exhibited great courage over the past six years: I decided to run my own law firm while raising an infant; I gracefully managed to get through my own divorce without destroying my family; and just this past week I made the journey to find my father and his whole family. Many have asked me how I did all of this, and the only thing I can really say is that each action was carefully undertaken after a thoughtful cost/benefit analysis. Any major decision in life requires us to consider what will be the consequences of our actions. Another motivating factor for me is the desire to avoid regret. Of course we all have regrets in life, that is because we all make mistakes. Ultimately, very few people will understand us and love us despite our flaws, that is what makes friends and family so special. When certain relationships do not work out, too many view this as a rejection. I do not see it this way- I truly believe the saying that some friends come into our lives for a reason, some come into our lives for a season, and it is a select few that are life long friends. Try to just remember the good you derived from each experience, and let go of all the disappointments. These past few months, it has been my life long friends that have really come shining through for me. I appreciate all the encouragement everyone has given me over the past five years, but I am here to admit [...]
A Puzzle That Took 38 Years To Complete
In 1971, a woman met a Spaniard while on a cruise. Nine months later, I was born. A nasty court case ensued, and without the admission of any DNA test (that was not required back then), the court found insufficient grounds to make a determination of paternity. My mother was publicly humiliated and felt betrayed by the judicial system. As a result, I was told as a child that my father was dead, and my mother insisted that I become a lawyer and learn my rights. As fate would have it, I got a scholarship to go to a boarding school in Andover, MA when I was 14. I moved to Washington, DC when I was 17 to attend Georgetown University, and by age 25 I completed law school at The George Washington University Law School. By pure coincidence, I began my legal career as a family law attorney, and ever since that is all I have ever done. In law school, and my first six years as a litigator, I was taught to hear my client's story, then to advocate his/her position as zealously as possible. Five years ago, however, following my own divorce, I underwent a complete transformation in my legal training. I pursued courses in mediation and Collaborative Law. Through these studies, I was transformed. I learned to hear both parties' version of events, as well as their goals and concerns. I was taught to view success as the best possible solution for the family as a whole, not just from one party's perspective. The results in my cases these past few years have been far more rewarding than I ever imagined. Now I have taken my whole new skill set and applied it to my personal life. After all these years, I sought out my alleged father. Looking at him is like looking in a mirror, and his whole family agrees that the resemblance is just uncanny. With the help of my aunt, uncle and cousins, I have been able to learn all about the past, and of course through my own father I was able to hear his side of the story, and why he fought the court case so vehemently back in the '70s. I now understand what happened back then, and I am not angry. It is just immensely sad that we have lost so many years together. But, we cannot focus on [...]
Looking Back In Order to Move Forward
Six years ago, I did the unexpected-- I got divorced. Prior to that, for 32 years, I did everything I was expected to do: finished law school, got married, bought a house, a nice car, a Golden Retriever, and had a child. It seems like the perfect recipe for a happy ending, but I was miserable at home. My husband and I had drifted apart, and our different priorities could not be reconciled. So, we sold the house, I got rid of the Merc, and then the dog died. Now, I only see my son half the time, and I've remained single all these years, which begs the question for many: am I better off? Well, I guess it depends on how you view things. While I sometimes miss the things I had, I do not miss the person I once was-- I am a much better divorce lawyer because of what I have experienced-- I have greater empathy and understanding for my clients, and I have gained better insight about myself by taking time to delve deep into the past instead of simply focusing on planning for the future. The past few years, I rebuilt my life my way creating a law practice that promotes my view of helping families minimize the losses, and at home I finally found the courage to search for my father and establish new relationships with his side of my family. I also let my past experiences as a child guide the way I wanted to raise my son, by replicating the good and avoiding the bad, which included maintaining a decent relationship with his father so that he would not have the kind of experience I had as a child with an absent parent. As for looking for Mr. Right, well that has become like a quest for finding a unicorn. But regardless of whether I ever find him, I am grateful for the lessons I have learned these past six years, and look forward to what lies ahead.
What Are the Top 5 Traits On Your List?
When dating, if you want to adopt a more conscious approach, it is important to know your must-haves. I think most of my peers agree that the top 5 characteristics in a life partner would be as follows: 1. intelligent; 2. kind/thoughtful; 3. decent looking; 4. similar sex drive/interest; 5. fiscally responsible. It seems like that should be so simple, yet it is so hard to find that perfect combination! And sometimes, you can have all of that, and still there is something missing. Why? Well, because you may have different priorities, and your visions for the future simply don't align. This is why you cannot take it personally when things don't work out, but no matter what keep your list of must-haves clear.
Valentine’s Day & prenuptials
Today, many will decide to pop the question. I wish you all the best. The only thing I would like to add is that you include in your wedding plans the idea of a prenuptial agreement. If over 50% of all marriages will end in divorce, why wouldn't you take the time to try and minimize the damage in the event that things don't work out? A prenuptial agreement is like a seat belt-- you certainly don't get into a car thinking it will crash, but knowing that it is possible, you put the seat belt on to reduce the chances of severe injuries. Outlining in a simple agreement what you want to define as marital versus non-marital, and what you will do with respect to alimony, does not take too much time for a lawyer to draft, so the legal fees should not be significant. Meanwhile, the peace of mind is priceless. For further information, please contact me at rad@reginademeo.com By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq. Bethesda, MD
Money Matters on MMCTV: Regina DeMeo’s interview on Love, Marriage and Divorce
Regina speaks about Love, Marriage and Divorce on Money Matters in Jan. 2011
Separating over the holidays
Holidays can be bitter-sweet-- sweet for those that are in a good place, bitter for those that are not. Those in the latter category, who find themselves in an unhappy situation will dread the thought of spending another holiday in a miserable frame of mind. When it becomes too much to bear, they will seek out advice. This is why inevitably we see a spike in divorce consults around this time of year. The next big wave comes right after the holidays, as people realize they just cannot keep the facade going anymore. If any of you are thinking of separating over the holidays, I highly recommend that you consult an attorney before you make any major changes. You should know your legal rights and obligations before you move out, raid the joint bank account, sign up for plastic surgery, etc. A consult is completely confidential and does not require a retainer. Typically, a client just pays for one hour of the attorney's time, which can range from $200-500. Clients should leave the consult with a road map of what lies ahead. The legal process may take 12 months, the emotional side will probably take a lot longer. While attorneys cannot guarantee outcomes in court, they can make certain predictions or at least give you a range in terms of what to expect regarding the main issues families need to address, including child support, alimony, property division and custody. Odds are over 80% of couples will work these points out without having a contested hearing in court. This post is not meant to provide you with legal advice, just information. By reading this post, we have not established an attorney-client relationship. But if you live in Maryland or DC and would like to set up a consult, please feel free to contact Regina DeMeo at rad@reginademeo.com .
Regina Demeo interviewed on Washington Business Tonight about Collaborat…
Finally the stats for my YouTube viewers is in a more age appropriate category! While I am glad that everyone could have some fun at my expense with all the "cougar" jokes, the fact is nothing could be farther from the truth. Anyway, thanks to all who helped change the stats on You Tube!
Regina DeMeo on ABC re Collaborative Divorce on Channel 8 News
Check out Regina DeMeo's interview on ABC explaining the movement in family law to use Collaborative Divorce. Link is courtesy of ABC's channel 8 Thurs. night: http://washingtonbusinesstonight.com/