Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
Divorce Makeovers- An Increasing Trend
Last night, at Curve Appeal, I had the pleasure of speaking with one of the hosts, Dr. Michael Cohen, who is the head of the Cosmetic Surgery Center of Maryland. I shared with him my observation that despite the state of our economy, there seems to be a growing trend among my friends and clients, who are doing what I call a "divorce makeover." He confirmed that he has seen the same trend-- and not just among women. For those that need an ego boost before they head back out into the dating world, a little liposuction, tummy tuck or breast augmentation may just be exactly what they need to get back in the game. Surprisingly, the recovery from these surgeries can be remarkably short-- some women have breast surgery on a Thursday and are back to work on Monday. Guys are also getting in on the action wanting to reduce those beer guts and have chin implants for a more chisled look. Luckily for all, as technology has improved and supply of plastic surgeons has increased, prices for these procedures have become far more reasonable, and many surgical centers offer financing. Some of Dr. Cohen's patients, who were very open to discussing their surgical experiences, were models at the fashion show held by Sylene's in Chevy Chase. Part of the proceeds from the evening's event were donated to Living in Pink, which is a local breast cancer charity founded by Michele Conley, a breast cancer survivor. Stephen Hull, Editor of Bethesda Magazine, also helped host and publize the event, which a tremendous success. Obviously, anyone contemplating surgery should make sure they research the right surgeon, and it would be helpful to check in with a mental health professional to make sure that you are doing it for the right reasons and that your expectations are realistic. Make sure you have the right support system around you right before and immediately following the surgery-- and be prepared for some negative comments from those that just cannot understand why someone would undergo elective surgery. The models I met last night still looked like real women, and they were beautiful. What struck me the most was how happy they were, because they felt great about themselves. I can understand how my divorce clients might want a little ego boost, and ultimately, I believe that if a little nip and tuck is going [...]
The Impact of Learning Difficulties on Relationships
Throughout the years I have learned a lot about how learning difficulties impact families. It turns out that over 80% of families with children that have special needs will wind up getting divorced. The pressures of dealing with this added stress tend to drive an insurmountable wedge between the two parents-- especially when they have grossly different views on how to address their children's issues. This is so sad, especially when you consider that these children are already struggling with their own issues, and now on top of that they get hit with their parent's divorce. I would urge parents of children with special needs to seek family counseling right away-- hopefully to prevent a divorce from ever happening. It would also benefit the couple to learn how the parent with the same issues as the child may still be exhibiting some symptoms, or how s/he is coping with the child's diagnosis. It is very common to be in denial or grapple with feelings of guilt for passing on a genetic trait that might complicate your child's life. Burying those feelings is not healthy, and it will come out in horrible ways. The other day, I came across a great article "I'm OK- You're Not" by Melissa Orlov in the Spring 2011 issue of Additude. (Check out www.additudemag.com) She talks about the impact of ADHD on a couple, where one partner has this issue and the other does not. Everything she describes as common patterns-- the creation of a parent-child dynamic, the arguments over household chores, the complaints of nagging, feelings of walking on eggshells-- I have heard a million times before. What was new to me was her final message, which is that if the couple promptly seeks an evaluation and effective treatment, there is hope for saving the marriage. In sum, we all have issues, but not everyone has the strength to face them. Sometimes, we need an added incentive to do something difficult. Well, I cannot think of a better incentive that doing something that will help you save your love and your family. By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
Understanding the Complexties of Adultery
Over half the divorce cases I handle involve adultery, and over the past decade I have represented a fair amount of clients on both sides of this issue. My experience is that it is not the reason for the break down of the marriage, but rather a symptom of a larger issue that has gone unaddressed for some time. Those that have committed the transgression typically fall into 2 distinct camps: 1) there are those who feel terribly guilty, and as a result may want to be far more generous than what would be considered reasonable from a legal perspective, and 2) those who feel that it was not at all their fault, this is what they were driven to do. Either way, with the person that has committed the affair, it is simply my job to explain how this may impact his/her divorce case, the process ahead, etc. Emotionally, the adulter is usually in a far better place than his/her spouse in the sense that this person has already moved on from the marriage for they have been detached for a while, and now they are usually relieved to end this dysfunctional charade. Dealing with the betrayed spouse, however, is far more complicated. Often times, they have just learned the news and are grappling with a million unanswered questions, mainly: 1) when did this start? 2) how did this happen? 3) where did it happen—was it within the home, at the office, or in a hotel? and 4) why? The person uncovering an affair is usually struggling emotionally, and therefore tends to present at the initial consult a bit unfocused, if not a complete basket case, and basically anything in between. The hardest thing to explain to the person that has been betrayed is that (in my opinion) adultery may not have the impact they think it will have on their case. Divorce court is not criminal court, we are not here to punish the perpetrator of this offense. Judges and lawyers are so used to seeing some element of adultery in divorce cases, that it does not have the sensational affect it might have outside the legal arena. In my world, we see adultery as a symptom of a larger problem; we may actually be able to see how both people are at fault, we have come to accept that an “exit affair” is just the final excuse [...]
Lasting Impressions
I was having lunch with my step-brother the other day, and even though we are only 10 years apart, it struck me how that one decade has made Gen Y and Gen X think so differently. Our experiences growing up based on events that transpired world wide definitely have left lasting impressions on us, and these impressions continue to shape us as adults. As a child, I remember the Carter days, and everyone complaining about inflation. Then, Reagan became President, and delivered these great messages about hope. He had faith in American values and our future, and shortly thereafter, I saw the Berlin wall come down and the Cold War came to an end. We had a great economic boom in the 80's and 90's, which coincided with my formative academic years all through law school. When I graduated, there were still plenty of jobs, and spirits were high. Then, a few years later the twin towers in New York and the Pentagon in DC were hit on September 11, 2001, and everything changed. For those of us lucky enough to remember the good times prior to September 11, 2001, I think we remain filled with hope and take solace in our memories of better days. But for those that lack those things, I'm not sure what guidance to provide. This has been a tough decade, especially with the Great Recession and on-going wars abroad. Now, no one is sure how long it will be before we ever enjoy the economic prosperity of days gone by. All I can say, is that perhaps this economic downturn can be seen as an opportunity for everyone to truly consider what matters most to them. What I have learned is that none of things I care about the most came easily, and they also can't be taken away regardless of the state of our economy. No matter what, I have my education, life experiences, and great relationships. Those are the things that have left a lasting impression on me, and hopefully Gen Y and all future generations can take heart in that.
10 Virtues of Being Married
The last several years, I have had the distinct vantage point of crossing over two separate worlds-- on alternating weekends I am surrounded by my happily married friends with children, then the next by single professionals in their 30'-50's. As much fun as I have had with the latter group, I really have to thank the former one for keeping me grounded and sane. As exciting as the whole dating game can be, it is not lost on me that the goal is in fact to find a life-long partner, and whenever I've found myself losing faith in that possibility, it is married friends that restore my faith in love and humanity. It is these friends, who are truly reaping the joys of married life, that fill my heart with hope and help me remember the many benefits of being married. Here are some of my favorites: 1. You do not have to face life's challenges alone-- you are part of a team; 2. You have a guaranteed date for weddings, galas, benefits, etc; 3. You can divide up the household chores; 4. You can plan trips, vacations, adventures together; 5. You can share in each other's success, and that of your children; 6. You can problem-solve together and bounce ideas off each other; 7. You have a sympathetic ear you can count on; 8. Staying home with your spouse on a Saturday night is perfectly ok; 9. You don't have to plan your own birthday party or get your own gifts; and 10. You never have to eat dinner alone, in silence. We all know that marriage is hard-- there is a great deal of work required to make sure the lines of communication remain open and that neither one takes the other for granted. The art of compromise, and finding common ground is the key to a successful marriage, and it definitely is not easy to do this, but the payoff is huge. Americans are clearly aware of this, and that is why 80% of us get married and give it our best shot. I am so proud of all my friends that have taken this plunge, and are making the effort to establish a work/life balance that promotes a healthy family lifestyle. You guys rock-- and if ever you want to hear a scary story about what it is like talking a walk on the other side, [...]
Emotional Baggage
We each carry our own set of “emotional baggage” some just have heavier loads than others. Quite recently, a friend shared with me an analogy that has really proven useful with others. She said, “if you don’t empty out your suitcase after each trip, the suitcase will just get heavier and heavier with all that dirty laundry. Sooner or later, a time will come when you need to face that mess.” Well, from personal experience I just want to say that I wish I had faced my dirty laundry ages ago. Instead, it all exploded on me at once. Thankfully, I was surrounded by kind people willing to help me wash, fold and put away all that laundry. Finding healthy outlets is also key: exercising, meditating, writing and talking about our feelings are all great ways to deal with the pain and sorrow inflicted upon us by life’s challenges. Another useful thing that I have learned is that anger is just a more aggressive way of exhibiting disappointment, and that actually stems from expectations we set and that are not met. What is noteworthy is that ending this horrible cycle is completely within our control—for if we do not set unrealistic expectations upon others, we are far less likely to be disappointed and/or angry. Trust me, it is a far healthier way to live.
Why Smart Women Date Inappropriate Men
Today I feel the need to explain why smart women would date inappropriate men. The short answer is so obvious: dating inappropriate guys is safe because you know you are never going to truly fall in love with them. I could just leave it at that, but that is just not my style. An in depth analysis of this phenomenon, however, could easily be the subject of various dissertations, and I am not about to delve into such an endeavor here. I will say this-- my observation is that women that have good relationships with their fathers tend to cut guys a lot of slack; meanwhile, those like me, who grew up without fathers, or had poor relationships with their dads tend to subscribe to the general belief that "all men are pigs," and then we seek out the exceptions to that rule. I will proffer that the best approach is probably somewhere in the middle, and if you want to find a satisfying meaningful relationship, you need to take the time to reflect on past relationships with family, friends and former partners to figure out your own pattern. If you don't like what you see, it is totally within your control to change yourself. One of my esteemed divorce colleagues told me that the reason we stay in business is because "women marry men thinking they will change; men marry women thinking that they won't." That insight is priceless! The fact is that we cannot change those around us-- you either accept someone the way that they are or you need to move on. On the other hand, men need to be prepared for the fact that motherhood will drastically change their wives. Raging hormones, sleep deprivation and the added stress of finding that perfect work/life balance, can send the best of us into a frenzy. I would implore women to cut guys some slack-- most men are not trying to be jerks, they are just clueless. We speak totally different languages, and often we only hear what we want to hear from the other. Learning to communicate effectively takes time and effort. Our trainings also color our perception-- as a lawyer, I was trained to focus on words; meanwhile my psychologist friends were trained to look at behavior. I have learned that paying attention to both is your safest bet when trying to figure out another person and [...]
Dating in the 21st Century
In 2005 when I was getting divorced, a good friend told me to brace myself for what it is like to date in the 21st century. It was indeed a shock to see that while I was out of the game for 12 years, technology came along and changed everything. People now use multiple online dating services and can queue up as many as 10 dates a week. They also expect instant responses to texts, emails, Facebook messages, or cellular calls. She told me I would have to go on about 20 bad dates before I would meet someone half-way decent. I thought she was joking, but apparently not. My happily married friends have been quite entertained the past several years with my dating stories. I share the stories with them in the hopes that they will stay together because dating in the 21st century is no picnic. We all joke that my search for Mr. Right has become a quest for finding a unicorn. Well, I will spare everyone here the details of what I have encountered, but I do feel compelled to warn others of some common red flag categories: 1. Married Men for Whom the Ring is Just an Accessory; 2. Rebound Guys; 3. Online Weirdos; 4. Socially Awkward Guys; 5. Control Freaks; 6. GIs (Geographically Inconvenient); 7. Insecure/Needy Guys; 8. Commitment Phobes; 9. Emotionally Unavailable/ Ambivalent Guys; 10. Pretty Boys (aka Players); 11. High Conflict Personalities (“HCPs”); or 12. Poor Communicators. Ultimately, I believe dating is supposed to be hard, so that when you find that right person you do not take him/her for granted. I believe Dr. Kasl is right in her book “If the Buddha Dated” when she suggests that dating is a journey—and from each experience we learn something about what we need or what we cannot tolerate in our relationships. Dr. Gottman, author of Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, is also correct in his assertion that without the right conflict resolution skills and communication abilities a couple is doomed. While it has been an interesting social experiment for me observing all these trends in dating, I have to be honest, I am truly disturbed by what I have seen. Technology has allowed people to expand their options, but it has also enabled people to lose sense of their accountability. Talking to strangers online about personal and/or inappropriate topics has somehow become [...]
In the Eye of the Storm
My father said to me recently, "sometimes we cannot see what everyone else arounds us sees because we are too caught up in our own lives." I have been telling my clients the same thing for over a decade. When they come to me, they are usually caught in the eye of a storm-- it is not just the legal reality of a divorce that is hitting them, but they are struggling with severe emotional and financial challenges that result from a separation. At this juncture, it is imperative that people seek out help from family, friends and trusted experts because it is humanly impossible to weather this storm alone. I understand that it can be hard to ask for help. For most of my life, I have gotten by trying to rely on my own resources. By not expecting anything from anyone else, I was less likely to be disappointed. But it has been a very lonely road, and while professionally I've gained tremendous recognition the last several years, in my personal life I had to face some major challenges as a result of the economy tanking and major family developments that required immediate attention. Without the help of others, I never would have gotten through all the personal setbacks suffered, and I see the same thing with my clients. To need help from others can be a very humbling experience-- but it can also show you what an amazing support network you have. Now that I think the storm is a bit more behind me, I am able to see the big picture. When people ask me how I have managed to get through everything I have been through, all I can really truly say is I did not get this far on my own. No one can navigate through life operating as if s/he lives on a solitary island-- especially when you are in the eye of a storm. With the right help, you can get through it, and after the storm has passed you will see things much more clearly. By Regina A. DeMeo
New Family Connections
Last night, I received confirmation that I have indeed found my father-- 99.999% sure based on our DNA test. All of a sudden, I have a father, a step-mother, an aunt, an uncle, 2 cousins, a step-brother here in DC, and a half brother in London. I spoke to 6 of the 8 last night, and everyone was so happy. My aunt joked that we should send out a birth announcement:"It is a girl! She is 5'4", and weighs over 100 lbs." She is hilarious! Apparently, making jokes about some of our greatest sources of pain is a trait that runs in my family. It has been a coping mechanism that I have used all my life, and perhaps now everyone around me can understand a little bit better why I appreciate irony so much-- it seems to be a common theme in my life. In 2005, when I got divorced, not ony did I un-do the vows of marriage, but I also severed the ties with my husband's family, who had become mine over the twelve years that we were together. So many people have asked me my divorce was such a traumatic event for me-- well, perhaps now it all makes more sense-- for unlike so many, I did not have my own family to fall back on. The safety net that most people take for granted their whole lives has never been there for me. So here I am now as an adult, with a child of my own, about to embark on a new journey. I am about to learn something most of you have enjoyed all your lives, and that I have always envied. For the first time ever, the word "father" actually means something real and personal to me. He is the one I look like, the one I think like, and the one I am finally learning to understand. The greatest irony here is that I am a family law attorney, who is just about to learn what it really means to be a family. All these years, I have helped people renegotitate their family ties when they separate, and in my lectures and writings I advocate for people to collaborate in order to minimize the negative impacts of the separation for their children's sake. But for the first time ever, I am going to have to learn how to pull a family [...]