Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
4 Things Kids Need Most From Separated Parents
Separated parents have a tendency to feel guilty that because they couldn’t work things out with their former partners, their children must now shuffle back and forth between two homes. Especially during the holidays, this guilt seems to kick into overdrive for some, along with regret that certain traditions will no longer continue. But let’s think about– would they be better off in a house full of tension or devoid of love? And is shuttling between two homes really that bad compared to the alternative of only having one primary parent and limited visits with the other when they have two equally loving and fit parents? Instead of focusing on what you cannot provide, let's focus on what you can give them. And in the process, try these 4 tips that have helped me manage co-parenting in separate homes for over a decade: 1. Chin Up It is hard for parents to not see their kids every night, or on every holiday– and I am actually saying that from personal experience, but if you can put your child’s needs before your own, then you can appreciate that for your children it is important that you don’t make them feel bad when they go spend time with the other parent and extended family. So, just make sure you have your own plans, and encourage the kids to have fun wherever it is they will be spending the holidays. 2. Get Your Ex a Gift Now, I know it may not be easy, but it would also be great if you could help the kids find gifts for your former spouse and any new children that may now be part of the family. Believe me, it may not be easy the first time, especially knowing your efforts won’t be reciprocated, but once you see how much it means to your child and you know that you are teaching them a good life skill, it actually leaves you feeling quite at peace that you can put the past behind you and gracefully accept the present state. 3. Remember the Good You may have moments of nostalgia, but don’t let your trip down memory lane turn sour. Stop negative thoughts from ruining your holiday spirit– the last thing you want to come across as is the Scrooge or Mr. Grinch! Try to over-ride bad memories with good ones, and in the end remember that the holiday season [...]
Post-separation Parenting Tips
Regina DeMeo, a top divorce attorney in Maryland and DC interviews Rich Heller, a parenting coach who shares tips for parents that are separated or plan to separate after the holidays. Together, these professionals provide parents with insight into major pitfalls to avoid for the sake of the children.
What Does Forgiveness Mean To You?
This year more than ever, I believe our ability to forgive has been put to the test. We are a divided country, separated from our family and friends during a world wide pandemic that has already claimed almost 300,000 lives in the U.S. alone. During these desperate times, many desperate measures have been taken and while some of us have managed to minimize the damages within our own little bubble, many have suffered severe personal setbacks and losses of unimaginable proportions. The second half of 2020, I have had the opportunity to present on Forgiveness multiple times, and the irony of having a divorce lawyer promote forgiveness is not lost on anyone. Yet, every day for the past two decades I have observed that it is precisely those that find the ability to let go of their anger and disappointment that go on to a better tomorrow, while those that remain stuck with their resentment and playing the role of a victim continue to flounder. Bad things happen to good people, and I am not suggesting that we should excuse someone's bad behavior, forget what happened, become vulnerable again or even continue in a toxic relationship. What I am proposing is that we embark in the process of letting go in order to find inner peace. The ability to re-establish your equilibrium is the most precious gift you can give to yourself-- and your children. Work through the 3 Ws- Who hurt you? What was the transgression? Why did this happen? After you have identified the source of your pain and done your best to understand the root cause, weigh your options for the best solution in your particular scenario. If you find you need help navigating the situation, reach out to a mental health professional-- one of the silver linings of COVID is that it's never been easier to connect with a counselor as telehealth calls are now part of the new norm. As the holidays approach, I am bracing myself for the next surge in divorce consults. In my industry, January is typically referred to as "Divorce Month" for a reason. The added shock this year will be explaining to families the immense backlog we have in our courts. However, those that decide they do not want to stay together another year and are willing to mediate, collaborate or use an Alternate Dispute Resolution to reach a [...]
Litigating a Family Law Case During COVID
Regina DeMeo, a top divorce attorney in Maryland and DC, interviews Evan Schein, a top family law litigator in NYC. Together, they discuss the impact of COVID on cases involving custody or divorce, including the backlog that courts are experiencing and tips for streamlining the process.
8 Great Break-Up Tips
We've all had our share of break ups, but as a divorce lawyer for over two decades I have played a part in more than 1,000 romantic splits. Many will occur right around the holidays, and this year will be no exception for reasons too lengthy to get into here. But here's what you need to do to help you through the transition back to a healthy single life:1. Secure Housing- first and foremost, you have to make sure you have a safe place to stay, and you need to notify USPS immediately to forward your mail to your new residence.2. Access to Cash- you need to have your own bank and credit accounts with enough funds to cover your basic needs. Make sure to change your pins/passwords, and update the institutions with your new contact information.3. Social Media- you need to disconnect from your ex on all social media platforms and block whenever possible-- it eliminates any temptation to snoop on each other.4. Update Key Forms- if you ever gave your ex a Power of Attorney, named him/her as an emergency contact, Executor of your Last Will & Testament, etc. you may want to revisit that asap.5. Eliminate Reminders- unless you anticipate being involved in litigation (i.e. a divorce) there's no need to keep old cards, emails, photos, etc. You will find the purge cathartic.6. Get Support- if it's a divorce/custody situation, you will need legal advice, otherwise you can mainly focus on asking for emotional support from friends, and perhaps engage a mental health professional if the situation is a bit more complicated and you feel overwhelmed.7. Establish New Routines- rather than lament what is gone, focus on engaging in new activities you've always wanted to try or return to old ones that you let go during your past relationship. Take this opportunity to further develop your own interests and pursue your own passions.8. Create a Mix- sounds a bit kooky, I know, but trust me if you hear any love songs, it's going to sound like nails on a chalk board for a bit. So, you may just want to have a pre-arranged selection of great songs, including "Since U Been Gone" by Kelley Clarkson or Taylor Swift's "Never Ever Getting Back Together." Break-ups suck, especially right now during a pandemic and particularly around the holidays. But relationships end for a reason, obviously something was off. [...]
Financially Ever After – Learning how to forgive to achieve a better outcome in your divorce proceedings
Regina DeMeo is a top matrimonial attorney and mediator and has regularly appeared as a legal commentator on TV, radio, and print. For over 2 decades she has been helping families with a variety of legal issues. She joins Stacy Francis today to help listeners as she shares the secret ingredient to preserving family wealth, goodwill, and relationships.
What Does A Real Apology Look Like?
A real apology has three main components: (1) it acknowledges the actions taken and resulting pain inflicted on you; (2) it provides an action plan for how s/he will right the wrong; and (3) there is an actual change in behavior proving to you that there won't be a repeat of the past. Without these 3 key elements, all you have is an empty statement that leaves you with zero confidence that history will not repeat itself. The lamest of all apologies to me is this one: "sorry if I hurt your feelings." First, remove the "if" because when I am pissed, it's for good reason. Second, my feelings are based on actual events that transpired, which should be the focal point of the conversation. When we have been wronged, what we need most is validation for our feelings and some proposal for how justice will be restored. An empty apology will never give you that, but a toxic person will go one step further-- that person will get defensive, deny any wrong, and try to gaslight you. These individuals will try to blame-shift and threaten you, leaving you with a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. In a truly healthy relationship, when a conflict arises, you work through it together and in the end feel like you have developed a better understanding for one another. No one is perfect, and a normal person will own up to his/her mistakes, but let's be clear on what a mistake is -- it stems from a misunderstanding, is something accidental and results in an action that was misguided. This is totally different from someone making a clear and deliberate choice to pursue their own wants/desires regardless of how it impacts anyone else, and later s/he only feels badly because they got caught in some lie ... or with another man or woman. Betrayals from a romantic partner are particularly hard to overcome, precisely because they indicate a complete breach of trust, which is the very foundation of any solid relationship. Even worse is when you discover that it's not a one-time lapse of judgment, but rather a long established pattern. In Spain, we have a phrase that my dad recently used, "a fox may shed its fur, but not its habits." As a result, when you are dealing with repeat offenders, sooner or later you will grow [...]
Listed in Washingtonian’s Top Lawyers, Dec. 2020
Washingtonian's Dec. 2020 issue includes a list of the area's star legal talent, including divorce lawyers, and Regina DeMeo was recognized among the top 90 in the DC Area.
5 Tips For Staying Sane During These COVID Holidays
For many of you, this might be the first time you are not traveling or spending time with family and friends for the holidays. Those of us that don't have family in the immediate area and have gone through a divorce, however, are far more likely to have experienced this before. In prior years when I did not have my son for the holidays and could not travel to be with family, these are a few things that kept me sane: Make it Festive- Decorate your home, even if no one is coming over. Normally, I do this during Thanksgiving while watching the Macy's Parade, but this year there is no parade, and I decided to start early while playing some of my favorite tunes. Apparently, according to the Facebook posts I've seen, I'm definitely not alone. Reach Out- Your friends and family want to hear from you, know that you are okay. It may only be for a few minutes, or maybe you share a meal together via Zoom or Facetime, but now more than ever it's those human connections that will help remind you that you are not alone. Challenge Yourself- Try something new. This year, rather than sticking to the same old recipes and buying an over-priced gourmet pie, I signed up for a cooking class to learn new side dishes, and a friend who owns Happy Healthy Chefs taught me over Zoom how to make my own apple pie from scratch (by the way best pie I've ever had)! Have a Plan- Aside from cooking and eating, carve out some time to exercise, download a good book on your Kindle, queue up some fun shows to stream, write out some holiday cards, and start working on your holiday shopping list. This is not the year to be a procrastinator given the unpredictable timeframe for packages to ship. Be Grateful and Kind- This year more than ever it's about being grateful for the little things-- like our health, having our basic necessities met, and loved ones in our lives. Be kind to those around you, maybe they are not as fortunate as you. For the first time ever, I've come to understand that many within my own inner circle have compromised immune systems, don't have the financial resources required to weather this pandemic, or have limited deep connections. Truly, we are all at our most vulnerable [...]
Is Your Partner’s Moral Compass Broken?
When you first start dating someone, the main focus typically is whether there's chemistry, witty banter, common interests, and some semblance of follow through. The fun times can easily last between 6-10 months, but sooner or later one if not both parties will start to wonder, is this enough or do I want more?While a great friendship is a solid start to creating a stable long-term relationship, you also need a commitment to working things out, honest communications, mutual trust and respect for each other's boundaries. You need to (1) share a vision for the future together, (2) agree on finances, and (3) develop a path to actually merging your lives into one household. All of these are critical components, love is just not enough.During the courtship phase, we should all be doing our due diligence (research) and periodically review the ROI (return on investment) of your time and energy. Here, it is important not to overlook red flags and discount someone's past track record. Why? Because the best predictor for future behavior is the past.Sure, no one is perfect, and the older we get the more baggage we all carry. However, there is a big difference between a one time lapse in judgment and a long standing history of poor choices. For example, anyone can make a mistake in their taxes one year, but that is very different from a person that has racked up years worth of debt or tax liens. Many might have a one-time indiscretion towards the end of their marriage, but that is nothing like the sordid trail of woe created by a serial cheater whose deep-seeded sense of entitlement will always trump the needs/wants of anyone else.Ultimately, in all romantic relationships we are always going to be taking a risk. Who knows what life will throw your way? But for many of us, it's about mitigating the risk of a broken heart so pay very close attention to your partner's moral compass and remember the wise words of Kenny Rogers in The Gambler: know when to hold them, know when to fold them, know when to walk away, and know when to run.By Regina A. DeMeo