Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
Falling In Love
For those skeptics that wonder if anyone still believes in love at first sight, let me assure you that plenty still do. Unfortunately, as people get older and suffer some disappointments, they start to build up their guard. This is natural, and it is healthy-- to a point. We all need to be able to let our guard down at some point if we are ever going to let others into our lives. For those with trust issues, this may take a bit longer, and no one should be rushed to move at a greater speed than is comfortable-- for a relationship to flourish, you need to patiently move forward at a pace that works for both. In the past six years, I have had to re-learn the dating game rules. At times, it may have seemed like a pointless exercise, but I chalked it up to a "social experiment." Well, that experience has finally come in handy, although not in the way most would have expected for me. Learning to take turns with 20 questions, to set a good pace, to take time to process information, has all come in handy the past few months as I have gotten to know my lost family. The "Elders" as I have affectionately dubbed them are a wealth of information about the past, and extended family full of Gen Ys have been a great source of entertainment, but this week was the best. It is like they saved the best gift for last-- I finally connected with my half-brother. At a time when I was totally starting to lose faith in the existence of an adult man that could possess my perfect trilogy-- smart, cute and kind, I found it in my own brother, who has in just one week managed to restore my faith in mankind. It has often been said that the greatest acts of kindness often come from places where you least expected. Well, this is the perfect case in point-- I had no idea how this would play out, and yet it is sweeter than I ever could have imagined. The guard is totally down, I have taken the biggest leap of faith ever, and in return I have regained that amazing feeling of what it is like to fall in love all over again. We all have fears of rejection and abandonment, but in the end, I [...]
Bittersweet Moments
Have you ever felt both joy and sadness at the same time? It's an odd feeling, and not one that happens often, but when it does I always seem to be painfully aware that it's a life altering moment. My first bittersweet memory was when I went off to boarding school. I was so happy to start this new phase in my life, but sad to leave behind my family and friends in New York. Then, 10 years later I had a similar feeling when I graduated law school, and all of us were finally ending our academic years to embark on our careers. That same year, as I was getting ready to walk down the aisle on my wedding day, I had another "oh my gosh" moment as I realized I was forgoing life as an individual to merge my life with my husband. For years I worried about whether I would ever live up to everyone's expectations as a wife and/or lawyer, but neither one of those worries came close to the awesome responsibility that struck me right after my 31st birthday, when my son was born. That will always be to me the happiest moment of my life, and yet at the same time, I remember being scared-- because I was painfully aware of the fact that what would lie ahead was a ton of responsibility and sacrifice. Motherhood changed me completely, and ever since then life has been full of what I call bittersweet moments. In the past few months, 8 new people have entered my life: I now have an uncle, aunt, 2 cousins, a father, a step-mother, a step-brother, and a half-brother. These are all new words in my vocabulary, and figuring out the dynamics is going to take some time for sure, but whenever people ask me how I am handling all of this, I just say it is awesome, and my beaming smile assures them that all is well. But, I truly believe the only reason I am able to process everything so well now is thanks to all the prior years of experiences with bittersweet moments. To look at old pictures, to hear stories of weddings and family trips is great-- because I want to know my family, and yet because they are such wonderful people there is such a profound sense of loss, particularly with my baby brother. I could [...]
Nature versus Nurture
I have always wondered whether I am an extrovert by nature or if that part of my personality was developed as a way to compensate for the lack of siblings or cousins in my life while I was growing up. Do I like to read because that is my natural inclination or does my thirst for knowledge stem from a deep-seeded longing to find answers to basic questions about my family that went unanswered for years? Would I be the same person I am today if I had grown up knowing my siblings and cousins? I may never find the answers to these questions, but for the first time in my life I am at least able to look for similarities and find patterns in behaviors among the various people that share my same genes. Last night, for the first time, I got to speak to my half-brother, who lives in Europe. Both of us grew up as only children, so you can imagine how weird it is for both of us to now have someone we can call a "brother" or "sister." To add to his shock, he also has to process the fact that I have made him an uncle overnight. Needless to say, it is a lot to take in at once, and it will probably take some time for all of us to figure out the roles we want to play in each other's lives. No matter what happens, I do now realize that my life will never be the same-- and I could not be happier about that fact. As good as it has been, it is about to get better, and this is why-- because I love the fact that we are all making an effort to connect, and this effort is not driven by any need, it is because we want to know each other. To me, that is true love. Those of you who know me are well aware of the fact that I rarely cry, and that I know for sure is just not in my nature. But I'm not going to lie, finding my little brother, did make me cry-- and they were wonderful tears of joy.
Suspending Judgment
As children, we start by seeing the world simply from our own perspective. Over time, we learn to consider other people's feelings and to appreciate that our actions might impact others. Hopefully during this evolution of our thought process we also learn to respect differences of opinion-- everyone is entitled to his/her own view, especially here in America. Somehow, in a global sense, especially in terms of politics, everyone seems to appreciate free will and individual rights. We extoll as an American virtue the belief embodied in our country's founding documents that each person has a right to pursue his/her own happiness. Yet in a very micro level, when I hear people talk about issues with their friends or family, so many are quick to pass judgments on others or seek to impose their views on those in their immediate circle. Why is that? Especially when it comes to marriages, I have learned throughout the years, that there isn't one perfect formula as to what will make a marriage work. According to the book, "A Good Marriage" there are 4 ways people can create a good marriage: 1. a traditional marriage view; 2. love at first sight; 3. the savior role; and 4. best friends. From my observations, there still are some couples that remain happy with the traditional marriage arrangment, where one person stays home and cares for the children while the other person focuses on providing for the family financially. (That's only about 30% of the U.S. population now). While none of my close friends have this set up, it is nonetheless important to accept that this is a way of life that works for some. I rarely see those that believe in love at first sight, and those that got sucked into playing the savior role mostly found that exhausting after awhile. But, the best friends scenario I see all the time-- and what is surprising is that even then there's a 50% chance it won't work out. There's a million reason people grow apart. Our goals and priorities can change overtime, and you can't always predict how people will handle various losses and life's challenges. Growing old together is not easy. Some people can become workaholics or obsessed with fitness, while others just work to live and may let themselves go physically. Many adults can become depressed, anxious or develop an addiction. Many may develop an [...]
When Is The Best Time To Call It Quits?
There is never a perfect time to tell your spouse that you want out. I have had cases where the parties decided to divorce right after the honeymoon, and at the other extreme I have helped people end their marriage after over 35 years together-- that is almost my entire lifetime! Some people do their best to keep it together until the kids go off to college; meanwhile others have parted ways while their spouse is pregnant. Countless people have cried in my office as they recount the moment when they learned their spouse was leaving them-- sometimes while they are in the middle of cancer treatment, or grieving the loss of a parent, or recovering from a miscarriage. The best thing I can say is that they are not alone, this happens a lot, and it is unfortunate. Dr. Robert Emery shared this beautiful analogy in a lecture I once attended, and I believe it is also in his book, The Truth About Children and Divorce: He states that if you imagine 2 people paddling along a river, you will see that there is one about a mile or so ahead of the other-- the one that opted to leave the relationship is the one in the lead because s/he had a head-start; meanwhile the one that was caught by surprise about the decision to end things is the one behind, struggling to catch up. What the person left behind needs is time, time to process what has happened, so s/he can catch up to the other. Unfortunately, time is not always on my side. By the time someone has unilaterally moved out and raided joint accounts, a lot of damage has been done. If people could just exert a little more impulse control and check in with an attorney before they make rash decisions, a lot of unnecessary heart-ache can be avoided. It is still going to be painful, I just mean it may hurt less. Regardless of when the news is delivered, the key point for parents to remember is that it is their job to protect their children. Kids do not need to hear the details of what their parents are arguing about or what is going on in court. They just need to have reassurance of 3 key points: 1) this is not the children's fault; 2) mommy and daddy will both still love them [...]
Going to Court
Abraham Lincoln, Mohandas Gandhi, and Nelson Mandela were all great lawyers, who believed that the most important role of an attorney was to try to act as a peacemaker, to counsel people to reach a resolution. I try my best to do this, but I am not a miracle worker, and there simply are some cases that cannot be settled. The positions some people take in their cases do not allow for any sort of compromise. If one person wants sole custody and refuses to settle for anything less, then that case will have to be tried. If one person wants to move to another state with the child, and the other parent will not agree to the move, then a judge will have to decide that issue. When one party seeks indefinite alimony, and the other refuses to consider any support beyond a couple of years, there is very little I can do to help these people find some common ground. Tomorrow, I will have to deal with one of these scenarios. Some of my peers are shocked when I have a contested trial. Apparently the impression created by the media is that I have stopped litigating. I assure you that nothing could be further from the truth-- only about 25% of my practice is mediation or Collaborative Divorce. While I do use my Collaborative skills almost daily, and I usually settle 95% of all my cases without a trial, there will always remain that 5% of people that can only see things as black and white, without any possibility for gray. I have learned to live in a world full of shades of gray, and it is so beautiful in its richness and complexity, but not everyone can appreciate the world this way. It is I suppose an acquired taste. By Regina A. DeMeo
Dating is an Exercise in Curbing Your Enthusiasm
We have all heard the saying, "if you have low expectations, you can only be pleasantly surprised." Well, if you are out there dating, you may want to adopt this as your mantra. There are some people that can look great on paper, and yet be complete idiots in person. Some people post pictures from when they were younger, skinnier, or had far more hair, and then when you meet them you find a totally different person in front of you. Then there are those who might appear fine during the first few dates, but as time wears on you start to see icky character traits. The latter are the toughest ones to deal with because if they have made it through the first few rounds of 20 questions, you cannot help but start to hope for the best. Yet the best thing to do here, is curb your enthusiasm. If you have zero expectations as to when someone should call, email, text or set up the next date, then you won't be disappointed with whatever timeframe they choose for themselves. In the meantime, you just need to figure out whether their behavior works for you. If someone really wants to make something work, they will make the time. We all have busy lives and varying interests, but let's face it, when we meet someone that causes us to say "wow," we can shift things around to pursue a relationship that seems worth it. If that is not happening, then you just need to accept that s/he is just not that into you. Unfortunately, rejection is a big part of the dating experience, but you cannot always take it personally. A lot of the initial reasons someone may not want to pursue a relationship with you may have nothing to do with you, but more of their own issues. Here are some examples of what I have run into: some people might be intimidated by your income or education level, or maybe they don't want to date someone that has a kid already, or maybe they want the convenience of dating someone that lives within a 10 mile radius so the fact that you are geographically inconvenient automatically knocks you to the bottom of their list of candidates. Finding someone that the whole package is not easy-- while there may be a decent supply of intelligent and attractive individuals, kindness [...]
Coping with a Bad Break-Up
Since 1998, I have played a part in over 1,000 bad break ups as a divorce attorney in our nation's capital. The worst are the ones where one person was oblivious and felt totally blind-sided by the other's decision to end things. I often tell my clients that more than anything, they need to allow time to pass so that their wounds will heal. But, in the process of mending a broken heart, here are some tips many have found useful: 1. Make a list of the things that make you happy, like being surrounded by flowers, eating some gourmet chocolate, going to the movies, getting together with friends, buying a new dress, going to the spa, hitting golf balls, or working out, and then go do these things for yourself! 2. Try writing in a journal to help you articulate your feelings, or if you are like me, start blogging. It is very therapeutic. 3. Pick up the phone and call a friend. It helps to get your story out, and hopefully the person listening will be able to provide you with some great advice, or refer you to a good book or other references that will help you. Learning that what you are feeling is normal, that you are not alone, and that things will get better are all part of the healing process. 4. Plan a vacation-- even if it is just a short weekend get-away. Sometimes, it really helps put things in perspective by getting out of your daily routine. If you don't have someone to go with you on a trip, and you don't want to go alone, then go visit a friend that lives in a cool place. 5. Dedicate some time to a special project. Using your down time to do something worthwhile is a very healthy way to fill a void. For example, you can work on your garden, or organize your photo albums to then share with your family, or sign up to do some volunteer work in your community. If none of these suggestions help, and you find yourself stuck in negativity or feeling depressed, perhaps it is time to consider some professional help. There are many wonderful psychologists specifically trained to help guide those struggling with their emotions. The sooner you can work through the grief cycle, the sooner you can move on to a happy, healthy partnership. By [...]
Love and Money
I have to admit upfront that I am a romantic at heart, but over the years I have learned that there is some real value to reining in the emotions and looking at marriage more like a business merger. When you are contemplating a life-long partnership, it really is important to make sure you are on the same page about finances, because in the end if you are not united on this issue, it could tear a marriage apart. We may all have our different missions in life, but at the end of the day, we all need a place to live, food to eat, transportation, clothing and some basic entertainment. With your partner, you need to have some consensus about the household budget, including how much you are going to try and save each month and how you are going to address any debt. It is amazing to me how many of my clients come into the office admitting that only one of the parties knows about the couple's financial condition. I often wonder how many of these marriages could have been saved if the couple had just talked more about the budget and any problems, or sought the advice of a financial planner, before they were faced with a major crisis. As parents, we owe it to our children to make sure that they are safe and secure-- and that requires having sufficient means financially to for their basic necessities. I cannot tell you how many people I see living well beyond their means. Usually, the more money people make, the more debt they take on, and with increased obligations come increased stress. Most people do not handle stress very well, and this is a major source for a lot of breakups. That for sure is the last thing kids need to see or experience, for the sad reality is that if there is not enough money to support one household, there is going to be even less to support two. By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
Keeping It All In Perspective
As a child, I would detach from my reality by either pouring my heart and soul into being an athlete or delving into books. Until the age of 18, I was a hard-core gymnast competing around the country, and from ages 14-25 I focused on my studies at some of the nation's top schools to become a lawyer. Along the way, I traveled through Europe, including extended stays while studying in Paris and Madrid. Each time I moved, I had to leave wonderful people behind, and as the years went by I perfected my ability to detach, and this has served me well professionally given that most of my clients only require my assistance for 12-18 months. As a divorce lawyer, I get to know the most initmate details of people's lives, and I help them through a very difficult time, then they move on and I go onto my next case. At work, I am like a surgeon, performing an amputation without any anesthesia. It is not an easy job, and by the end of the week, I definitely need to take a break from all the sadness. On the weekends, I need to fill my heart and mind with all the great stories about my friends' engagements, upcoming weddings, baby developments, accomplishments at work or home improvements. I want to watch movies, read books and go see plays that inspire people. I love to plan trips and fun events to look forward to, and more than anything I relish in bonding time with my family and friends. Maintaining a balance between my two worlds (professional versus personal) is what helps me keep things in perspective. Just so the rest of you are clear on my view with respect to this blog, I am going to set out some disclaimers: 1) As a divorce lawyer in DC for over a decade, I have learned alot about relationships, but I am not about to discuss my cases or reveal client confidences on this blog; 2) I am not here to provide legal advice, if you need legal advice go hire a lawyer; 3) I am not a psychologist, although I work with plenty in my field and attend a lot of seminars on psychology; 4) If you think I have all the answers, nothing could be further from the truth. The more I learn, the more I realize how little [...]