Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
Working Backwards
Over the years, my friends have dubbed me "Julie McCoy Cruise Director." For those of you who did not watch The Love Boat, she was the one in charge of planning events on board the ship. I have always enjoyed having things to look forward to, so it is my way of creating an incentive for getting through a rough week or whatever period of time is involved. Also by planning ahead, I can work backwards to figure out the steps necessary to get to my desired outcome. I do not expect everyone to be as much of a planner as me, and quite honestly I love those that are more spontaneous and easy going. However, in my professional life, it is my job to plan out someone's divorce-- preferably in less than 12 months the case should be over, and my clients can then move on to a new life. I am often amazed at how little planning people have put into their own retirements or their children's college education. Doctors, lawyers, CPAs, you name it are all over-extending themselves paying for fancy cars, huge mortgages, nice vacations, and meanwhile they are putting next to nothing aside for a rainy day. Working with financial planners all these years has taught me the value of their services. They are able to generate calculations that predict what college will cost in ten years, or how much you need to have in retirement to continue to live a reasonable lifestyle. It may not be numbers we want to hear, but I think it is better to have the information and try to figure out remedies now versus waiting until it is too late. In cases involving nasty custody disputes, I always encourage people to look into the future-- to try and picture a child's college graduation or wedding, and to try and set as a goal the possibility of being able to attend such events with their former spouse, without causing any drama for the child on these special days. Of course everyone always wants that, but then the point I need to stress is that you need to lay the ground work ahead of time so that when the day actually comes, that hope can become a reality. Some people find the future so scary and unpredictable, that they just want to focus on the day to day tasks at hand. [...]
Preserving Memories
For each year of my son's life, I have an album with pictures from the various events that transpired throughout his life. Now we get to look back at these albums together and remember our favorite moments at the beach or celebrating special occassions and holidays. As more people have come to rely on digital photos, I find that fewer people are actually printing out photos. They tend to share them via email and post them on Facebook, which is fantastic, but what happens if our computer systems crash or Facebook dies out or the formats we currently use change and somehow these pictures get wiped out? I also have a pet peeve about the reliance of texts and emails, for the very same reason. These days so many people communicate electronically, and of course I can see how amazing it is to have instant communication, but I worry about the loss of memories. How many people actually print out emails or texts from loved ones? During my Spring cleaning process, I have enjoyed reading old love letters or poems written by past loves, and finding pictures of them now brings back fond memories of those youthful days, long gone. I am convinced I would not have saved these things digitally, and that would have been a significant personal loss. In the end, I am not trying to promote a hoarding complex, and I certainly hope everyone enjoys the benefits of modern technology. I just want to suggest that for our own sake, for our families, and for the generations that come after us, we may want to actually hang on to just a few keepsakes. By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
The Road That Lies Ahead
These past few weeks, as I have been working to recreate some albums for my family by sorting through old pictures and boxes of sentimental keepsakes from my days in high school, college and law school, it has felt a lot like a trip back in time to a part of my life when things were a lot less complicated. No one warned me that life in my 30's would become so difficult-- so many responsibilities to tackle while trying to balance work and home life, while also finding time for myself and dealing with setbacks or losses. But I take solace in the fact that if I have come this far, against all odds, then surely I can handle whatever lies ahead. Some of my friends are feeling a bit lost about how to navigate life now that there is no roadmap. So many of us took comfort in knowing that there was a plan- you get through school, get a good job, get married, buy a house, and form a family. Most of us in our 30's have diligently been crossing these things off our list, but now we realize that there is not a strict timeline or plan for what should happen next. This can be a great source of anxiety for some, but I see it as a great opportunity to now truly be the masters of our own destiny. I have no idea what lies ahead, but taking a look into the past has brought me great comfort. Looking back has helped remind me of all the wonderful people that crossed my path all these years, and reading all the loving letters and post cards from friends from years ago has helped reassure me that the best part of this long journey we are each on is that we do not have to travel it alone. By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
Amicable Splits
Today we learned that Maria Shriver and Arnold Schwarzenegger have agreed to an amicable separation. Some are shocked that this could happen after 25 years together, others just do not understand how there can be any amicable divorces. Of course, I am not suprised by either possibility as this is part of my every day life. In my experience, the top five reasons people split are as follows: (1) lack of communication; (2) bad conflict-resolution skills; (3) they grow apart, pursuing different interests or goals; (4) intimacy issues; and (5) an irreparable loss of trust and respect. Realizing that these issues exist often takes time, and then many try to ignore the problems or just hope that it is a phase that will go away shortly. As time passes, many are willing to stick with the status quo in order to avoid change-- it seems transitions are not just a challenge for toddlers. Unfortunately, as is true with any problem that does not get addressed right away, these issues just get worse. Small communication issues eventually lead to a complete break down in conversations; on-going battles that end badly lead to resentment; if you do everything separately, eventually someone will ask why even bother staying together? Intimacy issues left unattended will lead someone to go astray; and if you lose trust and respect, the next thing to happen will be to fall out of love. People tend to focus a lot on the symptoms of a bad marriage-- like an affair, and they often mistake that as the reason for a divorce. For those of us that are in the divorce business, we see it differently. Luckily, there are many incredibly mature, insightful clients that are able to see the actual causes for the breakdown of their marriage, and they can also appreciate that they want to end their partnership in a respectful, dignified fashion. In fact, the statistics show that 33% of all couples will choose a Cooperative/Collaborative divorce, whereas only 20% of all divorces are considered high-conflict. That leaves the other 47% to fill in the spectrum in between, and it is my sincere hope that with the right guidance, they will gravitate as much as possible towards a collaborative/cooperative divorce. By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
Taking Love For Granted
As children, most people grow up believing they can count on the love of their families. Regardless of what happens, most people believe their families will always be in their lives. Perhaps because of this view on family love, after the honeymoon phase is over, a lot of partners start taking each other for granted. But as a wise psychologist friend once told me, "love is like a plant. If you do not water it and give it sunlight, it will die." Relationships rarely die overnight. Rather it is usually a slow, painful death that occurs as seemingly minor transgressions continue to accumulate until someone hits his/her breaking point. As a divorce attorney, I have seen more than my fair share of death and destruction in relationships. It is an unfortunate reality of life, and sometimes a necessity when we need to cut out sources of pain in order to survive. Perhaps a far healthier approach to take in relationships is to let go of the notion of unconditional love. If we accept that all relationships are conditioned on maintaining a certain level of mutual respect, trust and shared interest, then perhaps we can keep ourselves more in check to ensure that we are fulfilling our part of the bargain. By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
Remembering Our Past Lives
Twenty years ago, I retired from the competitive world of rhythmic gymnastics. Those who knew me back in the 1980's remember me traveling around the country, spending summers at the Olympic Training Center or in Sofia, Bulgaria with the World Championship team. It was an incredibly time-consuming endeavor, and I learned a great deal about discipline, routines, planning, etc. Unfortunately, between my academics and gymnastics, I have very little time for much else in my life.At 18, when I left gymnastics behind to focus on my studies at Georgetown, a huge part of my identity was lost. For years, all my trophies, ribbons, photos, certificates of achievement and various newspaper articles remained in sealed boxes. I guess it was too painful for me to go through these things. Yet somehow, in the past few weeks, as I have been trying to explain my journey to my new family, I finally found the will to go through all the boxes and organize all these amazing momentos from my past life as an athlete.As I culled through all the newspaper articles and photos, I started to remember fondly all the people that came into my life during those years. I have no idea where any of these individuals are now, or what they are doing, but I am so eternally grateful for the time we spent together. Throughout this cleansing process, my son has asked me a lot about this past life of mine. It must be so funny to him to see his mom in this different light. Meanwhile, I have actually found it quite entertaining to re-live some of those moments and share stories about what life was like back then. For those of you who saw Black Swan and thought that was intense-- let me just say that was nothing compared to what I saw and experienced in the world of competitive sports filled with judges, score-cards, and nasty team rivalries.In the end, I learned a lot from my years as an athlete, and a lot of the skills acquired back then have definitely served me well in my professional life, but I cannot say I wish the same for my child. There is something to be said for sleeping in on a Sunday, playing Wii or some board games at home, just heading to the park and having a spontaenous meet up with friends. It took me years [...]
5 Tips for Dating Professional Women
There seems to be a major disconnect between what guys think professional women in their 30's want, and what professional women in their 30's actually expect from men. So, without turning over the complete playbook, in the spirit of helping bridge the gap, let me share 5 helpful tips: 1. Chivalry Should Not Be Dead- We all know that women are graduating at the same, if not greater rates than their male counterparts in most colleges and graduate schools. Also, thanks to Title IX, we can play any sport we want. Of course we can open our own doors, and pay for our own drinks, but that does not mean we should on a date. When we are "off the clock" most of us actually want the guy to drive, open the doors, say something nice about what we are wearing, pay for the first few dates, and yes, make the first move. 2. Plan Ahead- Those of us with intense jobs tend to have crazy schedules. So, last minute offers to meet up may just not work, not that we don't want them to, it is simply that it is not possible. 3. Communication is Key- If someone is used to a fast-pace situation during the day, it usually means that this carries through outside of work. In other words, waiting days to respond to an email, going MIA ("Missing In Action") for a week, or never responding to a text, is just not going to go over well. Furthermore, after a date, most of us still believe it is the guy's duty to send a follow up message. 4. Honesty is the Best Policy- Don't try to sugarcoat things with us. Remember, to prove ourselves in the academic and professional world, we have learned to roll with the punches. If you want something casual, just say it. If you want to keep your options open for awhile, no one should fault you for that. If things are not working out for you, we may be willing to try and work on things, or we may agree that it is best to just move on. 5. More than Just Eye Candy- Most women appreciate being admired for their beauty, but professional women also want recognition for their brains. It is hard to keep conversations "light and fluffy"; it is just not what made us who we are- rather it [...]
The Joys of Motherhood
Given that Mother's Day is just a few days away, I want to share a poem that I wrote for my son to help explain why motherhood itself is the best gift he could ever give me: Because of you.... I don't get to enjoy as many movies, restaurants or parties as I may like; Because of you, my schedule is much more complicated; I have lost a lot of sleep; and exotic trips abroad have been on hold for the last few years; Because of you, I have less money in the bank, and a lot more laundry and clean-up projects at home, but Because of you... I look forward to coming home; I've learned that money cannot buy happiness; and I am far more considerate of others; Because of you these past few years, I have relished in the joy of being surrounded by children and their laughter, and I appreciate the simple things in life like cuddling while we read bedtime stories together; Because of you, I have learned the importance of teaching young minds, and the true value in sacrificing for someone else; Because of you, I have found the courage to face my fears, worked at becoming a better person and discovered true meaning in life; You taught me about unconditional love by making me a mother, and so to you dear son, I am eternally grateful. Love always, Mom
7 Tips for Having Difficult Conversations
We all have moments in our lives when people will disappoint us, or we feel hurt by them, but not everyone is capable of having difficult conversations to confront the issues before it is too late. Here are some tips I have learned throughout the years thanks to countless seminars, psychology books, and my Collaborative experiences: 1. Remember BIFF- When dealing with people that are upset, it is best to remember keep your statements brief, informative, friendly, but firm. Bill Eddy refers to this as "BIFF" statements. 2. Keep it simple. When someone is emotionally flooding, they only retain 25% of what you are saying, so try to keep the message short and sweet. 3. We cannot un-do the past, so there is no point in dwelling on it. Instead it is more productive to focus on the future. 4. Look at the positives-- try to look at resolving conflict as an opportunity for growth. 5. Keep focusing on your "I" statements; in other words, you want to express how you feel and what your perspective is on a situation. 6. Try to avoid attacking a person- they will simply react badly. If you truly want to invite an open dialogue, you need to make it clear that what you want to do is understand each person's perspective. 7. Weigh the pros and cons to having the discussion versus leaving things alone. I often tell my clients and friends that they need to pick their battles. In each situation with friends or family, we need to do a cost-benefit analysis-- the cost of doing nothing & letting more time pass without any resolution can have incredibly severe consequences. Ultimately, despite our best efforts, sometimes people simply cannot have these difficult conversations, but at least you can look back and know that you tried to invite the dialogue. Sometimes, it is not about getting the other person to adopt your point of view-- we will not always see things the same way. What may seem like a minor thing to one person is huge to another. The point is to make an effort to understand one another's perspective, and to try and forgive one another for past mistakes. This will go a long way in building strong relationships. By Regina A. DeMeo
Answering the Question “Who am I”?
Life's journey is about discovering and defining ourselves, and hopefully finding the answer to the question we will so often be asked by others we encounter, "who are you?" Obviously, this answer will change depending on the stage of life we are in when asked the question. I will suggest that most from ages 10-20 are focused on their studies and figuring out what they want to do for work. In our 20's, it is normal to focus on building our careers and having some fun, especially when you finally have achieved independence and earned some real spending money. In our 30's, I find we tend to focus inward-- on buidling our own families and striking that perfect work-life balance. While I have generally had a pretty good idea of who I am, and the direction I wanted for my life, I do not think it has ever been clearer to me than now. As my new-found family tries to figure me out, I have been quite amused by some of the questions asked, particularly by my brother, such as what was I like growing up, am I religious, or am I a "card carrying feminist"? The funny thing is, my own son is starting to ask some of these same questions, and it is really for his sake that I am so glad I have these answers ready. For children to find their own identity, they need to understand their parents, and then they can hopefully take from each one the characteristics they wish to emulate.When asked which of my values I hope my son will have when he is in his 30's, here are my top three: (1) education; (2) family; and (3) a sense of community. I hope he never loses a thirst for knowledge, that he will not only want to form his own family, but also maintain the family connections already in place for him, and that he will want to be a contributing member of society. Thankfully, if he ever needs to further explanation or proof about my commitment to these ideals, there is quite a paper trail showing who I am: I got a scholarship at 14 that changed my life forever. I went on to become a family lawyer in the nation's capitol seeking to promote the importance of education, children's rights and a women's ability to pursue her own dreams.Whatever someone [...]