Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
Divorcing in a Bad Economy
When I first started practicing family law over a decade ago, most people had equity in their homes and decent amounts in their retirements/pensions. When there was plenty to divide, splitting up was not so painful, and my job was a lot less complicated. These days, a lot of people are facing short sales or foreclosures because their homes are underwater. Retirement accounts have lost a fair amount of value in the last couple of years, and good pensions are rare. People are unsure about their job security and their future, and as a result, I think fewer people are making the drastic decision to separate and divide into two separate homes. As long as they don't ignore the issues in the marriage, and make an effort to address the problems in the relationship, I think this is a good thing; if they don't the whole arrangement is eventually going to fall apart. When the decision is made to divorce, there is a lot the couple can do to minimize the legal expenses. Here are some real money-saving tips: 1.Avoid litigation-- it is very expensive. Instead, try going to a mediator, where you will only being paying for that one professional's time as opposed to two separate attorneys. If sitting in one room together isn't an appealing option, then one person can go consult with an attorney first and have a Separation Agreement drafted, then the other partner can set up a consult with an attorney of his/her own choosing simply to review the proposal. Ultimately, the more negotiating the parties can do on their own and the more information they can exchange freely and voluntarily about their income, assets and liabilties, the less they will have to spend paying professionals to do this. 2. Family counseling- Especially for couples with children, it is important to deal with the immense anger and/or disappointment that normally comes with the decision to separate. While the emotions are difficult to discuss, it is necessary to do so with a professional, who can then help you develop a plan for how to assist the kids through the transition phase. Mental health professionals trained in child development can also help parents work out a Parenting Plan that will include an appropriate time-sharing arrangement. 3. Financial Advisors- Setting up your own household budget, and making major decisions about investments, including the marital home and retirement assets, [...]
The Gift of Love and Inner Peace
It has been 3 months since I reconnected with my father, and my half-brother has now had a little over a month to get used to the notion of having me as a big sister. Whenever people ask me how it is all going, I am just beaming with joy as I share the latest updates. The best part is knowing that there is this whole network of people that actually care about me, and want to share their stories with me and hear how things are going here in DC.I sent my brother a care package the other day with some silly things; I created a mini wedding album for my aunt, who seemed sad that she'd missed that day in my life; and I just recreated a baby album covering my son's first 7 years for Father's Day. None of them expected any of these gifts, and that is what I appreciate the most about them all-- they do not expect anything from me, but simply because I am family, they love me, and I whole-heartedly reciprocate the sentiment.As all this is settling in, my son asked me to explain "inner peace" after he heard the term while watching Kung Fu Panda. He actually picked the best time to ask that question, and without hesitation I said, "inner peace is hard to find, but it is when you can let go of all your anger/disappointment and just enjoy a heart full of love." He asked me if I have found inner peace, and I honestly told him that it took me 38 years to find it, but by discovering my family, I have finally been able to let go of all the past disappointments and enjoy the discovery of unconditional love. The journey was certainly long and difficult, but to hear my dad say, "I love you" after all these years, is truly priceless.
Keeping Scorecards on Dates
As a joke a while back, someone got me a note pad labeled "Rate-A-Date" where I could keep score for dates based on various categories. I was not particularly fond of the actual categories or the format, but I did like the concept, so I'll admit that over the years I have kept my own scorecard for each person that I've dated, and I recommend that anyone in the dating world should do the same. Whether we openly admit it or not, we all keep some running tally of points someone is earning or losing based on how they act on a date. Of course we all remember the first impression- was this person punctual, appropriately dressed, well-mannered? Then we start to decipher how easy it is to get along with the other-- does the conversation flow easily? Do we share the same sense of humor? Was there any chemistry? In addition to all these questions, I would suggest that it is important to note the level of involvement in coming up with a plan (date, time, activity) and the level of follow through after each date. We all take off points for different things, so I won't even try to come up with a list of pet peeves-- let's just accept that mine would be several pages long. The thing is, in the past, I would have told you that you have to pick your battles, and that you should not be too harsh in your score-keeping, but now I think I would say the opposite-- if seemingly little things keep nagging at you, don't ignore your feelings. Don't try to rationalize away your concerns. Sometimes, it is not so easy to get a full view of the big picture problem, but something deep inside is trying to tell you that there is something off-- and if that is really how you feel, go with your gut. Now, if you really like someone and there are some issues that perhaps can be chalked up to a misunderstanding or mis-communication, then I think it is only fair to warn someone that they are hitting one of your buttons. Something that might not seem like a big deal to you, may be major to someone else, so just address the issue by asking questions, without passing judgment. People will be far more open and less on the defense about their views [...]
4 Key Dating Tips
For those of us that enjoy learning about another person, and like sharing stories, playing 20 questions is just plain fun. For others, I realize this exercise is just plain torture. So perhaps to minimize the pain, I can offer these 4 key tips: 1. Know your own story ahead of time. Try to map out the answers to basic questions about your background, family, work, hobbies/interests, and future goals. Be aware of what you want to share vs. what you would like to keep private. 2. Have your questions ready. What answers will best help you determine if this is someone you are interested in seeing again? 3. Own Your Must-Haves-- Be aware of the top 5 characteristics you are looking for in a partner. 4. Identify Your Deal Breakers-- these are things you cannot negotiate on, which is why we often refer to them as non-negotiables. Learning my own deal breakers took me a long time, and sometimes I cannot decipher right away whether someone has a trait I'm not willing to tolerate. You cannot always tell within the first few dates if someone has a house in complete disarray, suffers from depression or other emotional issues, is an addict, player, or compulsive liar, or maybe is a financial disaster. There are some things that simply can only be discovered over time. Usually, people are on their best behavior during the first three months in dating, which is why it is called "the honeymoon phase." As the glow starts to wear off, I encourage everyone to look at their partners carefully-- there might be some traits you thought were dealbreakers, but now you have learned to compromise on certain points. That shows growth and progress, but if there are other traits that you cannot ignore and live with, be true to yourself. Do not delude yourself into thinking you can change another; you can only change yourself. If someone has hit a true deal breaker of yours, you need to be able to walk away-- preferably not just by leaving a sticky note or sending a one line text. By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
June Weddings
When I was a little girl, I was a flower girl in a wedding. That, to me was my day to be a princess. I was in a beautiful dress, everyone was complimenting me, and my job was simply to drop rose petals along the way. Meanwhile, I was totally oblivious to any drama around me. Two years ago, these memories came rushing back when I saw my son running around the Fairmont Hotel in DC waiting for his cue to play his part as the ring bearer at my friend's wedding. He was just as clueless as I was at his age as to the magnitude of the event we were about to witness.At my own wedding, I was so stressed by the prospect of having to rely on so many strangers to carry out various key tasks that would make the wedding come together, that the night of my rehearsal dinner, I lost my voice. So in the end, while everyone actually did show up to perform his/her own part in the wedding day, it was I that barely managed to say "I do" the two words formally required to complete the ceremony. After that, I realized that it no longer mattered whether everything was perfect, as long as everyone had some fun.I have lost count at this point as to how many weddings I have attended, and I rarely remember the flowers, the invitations, the toasts, the food, the bands or even the venues (all major sources of arguments for months leading up to the big day), but I always remember the bright smiles of the brides and grooms as they walk down that aisle together for the first time as husband and wife, or when they have their first dance. Ultimately, my theory is that it is not a real wedding unless there is some drama. The only ones that will be truly oblivious of this fact will be the children, the rest will just all find it a source of mild entertainment. So, as long as the bride and groom do not lose their voices or tempers at the alter, who cares what else happens?
Trying to Make Sense of the World
It has taken me years to get my son to the point where he can now walk, talk, eat, shower, dress and entertain himself for a while, but now that we finally have the basics covered, life is really getting interesting. Every day I get bombarded with serious questions about life, as he clearly starts to try to make sense of the world around him. Of course, little does he realize that this is going to become a life long mission.As I try my best to provide answers that will help my son understand his surroundings, I am reminded of all the wonderful teachers I had in my own childhood that helped shaped my ideas. I am also grateful for the lessons provided by my peers. My best friend from boarding school once told me, "the best thing about you Gina is that you not only learn from your mistakes, but from all of those around you." She is right, I spend a lot of time observing and trying to learn from the mistakes of others, and in the past decade I have seen some of the most brilliant people in DC make some of the worst mistakes in their personal lives. That might seem odd, but it is actually quite easy to explain-- these people are methodical and logical in their work-related decisions, but their personal life decisions are based on emotions. Unfortunately, when we make decisions based on our emotions, we are not thinking with the front part of our brains, which govern logic. I am not trying to advocate that we become a bunch of emotionless robots-- honestly, I think what makes life so interesting is the way we each express ourselves and our feelings. As all the Shakespeare plays illustrate, life is the great stage in which our passions our played out. This is of course, a much easier lesson to teach to a seventeen year old versus a seven year old, but at any age the point that needs to be made is that human beings are complicated creatures, and we do not all have the same emotional or intellectual capacities. We may never make sense of those around us, but what we can do is try to give ourselves enough time to understand our own thoughts and emotions, find the best ways to express them, and somehow find a way to protect our inner [...]
In Dating, Timing Is Everything
We have all heard the saying "timing is everything," and no where is that truer than in dating. First of all, a lot depends on when you meet someone-- are they going through a difficult phase or are they on top of their game? Sadly, you don't really know someone until you have experienced both the highs and lows with them, so try not to judge someone simply based on the snapshot you get at one particular time. Timing also matters with respect to following up. How long it takes you to respond to an email, text or phone call are all taken into consideration, and will play a factor in the other's willingness to move things forward and/or make time to see you. It is unfortunately a delicate balance between showing interest, but not coming across as desperate. Once you have moved beyond the initial phase of having drinks/dinner, doing some activities together, seeing where you each live, and you have developed a predictable pattern for interacting, the timing of certain delicate conversations will also be critical. You don't want to have the exclusivity conversation too soon, but if the thought of seeing other people is no longer of interest or you are concerned about STDs, you need to make sure that the person you are dating feels the same way. When you bring this up, however, you should make sure you choose your words carefully and think about the overall situation. If you are dating someone that is recently divorced, they are probably not interested in jumping into a committed relationship right away. Respecting the other's position, and being understanding, is critical in any relationship. I believe those that are forced to commit to an exclusive relationship before both parties are ready to do so are doomed. Most of us hate ultimateums, and love is really something that has to be freely given-- you cannot demand it of anyone. To successfully navigate a relationship with another, there has to be a meeting of the minds. Too often I see people try to dominate their partners, shove their own wants/needs ahead of everything else. Dominating, narcisstic control freaks seem to be in high supply-- and those traits may serve them well in their professional lives, but I assure you that will not be the case in the dating world. Sadly, the longer people are out establishing their careers, and [...]
What’s In It For Me?
It may sound like a harsh question: what is in it for you? Yet, it is a totally legitimate one-- in just about everything. We work for compensation; we derive pleasure from the relationships we choose to maintain; we volunteer for causes we care about. It is a perfectly normal part of human nature to ask ourselves this question before we take on a task or decide to alter our status quo. Lately, so many have asked me this question in the context of trying to understand why after 38 years I would risk opening Pandora's box by seeking out my father. As my dad himself stated so bluntly, "someone had to break the ice after all these years. I never would have done it, but I'm glad you did." Well, it actually felt more like I'd broken through a glacier with bear hands, yet I am glad I did it too, especially given how it has all turned out, however, I did not do it entirely for me. Yes, after all these years I wanted to understand what happened between my parents, and I wanted to know basic information about my family, but really I did it for my son's sake, so he would not have to carry on a life sentence wondering so many things the way I did all these years. We all have our reasons for doing things, and we all have different motivations. In my life, I have found the greatest inspiration is my son. For him, I found the strength to open up the deepest wound I silently carried all these years, and now to him I owe the greatest thanks for helping me find my family and internal peace. Not only do I feel it, but everyone around me has noticed a difference-- there is a tranquility within that I never had before; it is like I ran the marathon of my life, and I can finally allow myself to take a break. There is a beautiful truth in life (which I was reminded of today while watching a cartoon with my son): when in your darkest hour, you can find hope from within, that is true inner strength. Six years ago as my marraige unraveled, I felt like I was living a modern-day version of the Story of Job. But now I realize that perhaps I had to lose it all in [...]
Playing the Numbers Game
The past several years, I have heard a lot of people talk about how dating is all a numbers game, and then I have had others say you can't get too hung up on the numbers, you just need to find one. Well, while I agree with the latter point, I also think it is worthwhile knowing the former by running an analysis. So here it is: Only about 9.5% of us Americans have a graduate degree, and only about 15% of U.S. households have an income greater than $100,000. While there may be some that fall into one category but not the other, let's just assume that 15% of the population have shared interests and values, such as higher education and a certain standard of living. To keep my math simple, I am going to proffer that half are men, the other half women (although there are various statistics that show that there are greater percentanges of women graduating with higher degrees these days). This leaves professional women with only 7.5% of the male population as potential candidates if they want an equal partner, and obviously the longer you wait, the less of them remain on the market. By the time I factor in geographic desirability, chemistry, desired age, etc. I realize I am down to probably less than 1% of the U.S. population, maybe even less if a true math genius took the time to calculate this accurately for me. Needless to say, the numbers analysis can be very disheartening for a lot of professional women. In the end though, it is important to remember two things: (1) better to be alone than in poor company; and (2) dating is a lot like the lotto-- you can't ever win unless you play the game.
What Is Your Love Language?
The other day, some of my friends were talking about "The Five Love Languages" written by Dr. Gary Chapman. According to his theory, there are 5 ways in which most people register another's expression of love: (1) Words of Affirmation; (2) Quality Time; (3) Receving Gifts; (4) Acts of Service or (5) Physical Touch. If you go to www.5lovelanguages.com you can actually take a quick test to assess your own love language. It was of no surprise to me that what matters to me most is quality time, and what matters to me least are gifts or acts of service. I am used to being quite independant and getting my own things, much to the chagrin of many past dates, but time spent together is what I treasure most, and sadly it is so hard to find these days. Juggling work and family obligations leaves us all with very little spare time, yet I firmly believe that when the right one comes along, we will make the time. For those who have already found their life partner, it might still be worth exploring how you express your love versus how your partner wishes you to show your love, because the two may not be the same. Learning what the other one needs and perhaps adapting your behavior to help meet that need is perhaps the greatest act of kindness, which will benefit both parties. This can also be applied in a parent-child relationship. For example, my son takes our quality time for granted right now, and he is not a big fan of hugs, but I know he loves receiving words of affirmation. Trained as a gymnast/dancer, who was always criticized by coaches and judges on a quest for perfection, giving compliments is not something that comes naturally to me, but because I realize my son needs words of praise, over the past few years I have transformed my vocabulary into one full of accolades. Transformation is not easy, and it will take time. Be patient with yourself and others as you try to learn each other's love languages. There will undoubtedly come points of frustration-- that is normal. Enduring relationships of any kind are usually quite challenging, but just keep in mind that the best things in life rarely come easily. By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.