Regina’s Blog

I have previously stated how life in my 30's has been full of bittersweet moments. To be honest, these kinds moments have occurred ever since I went off to boarding school at age 14. I was so excited to go to Andover, yet sad to leave home-- especially my grandmother. Each graduation thereafter was marked with sadness at the thought of leaving my beloved learning institutions, even as I was enjoying the sense of accomplishment with the receipt of each new diploma. When I got married, I was happy, but also nervous, and the same was true when I had my son, with each new job, etc. But for the first time in ages, I've been given a moment of shear bliss-- after all these years, I have finally connected with my brother.It is hard to imagine what it must be like for a 27 year old man to learn all of sudden that he has a half sister across the Atlantic. All of the sudden, just when he probably thought he had things figured out, I have entered his life and made him an uncle in the process. Having had just 2 months to digest this news, as we developed our connection via emails, Skype and Facebook, he then took the biggest leap of faith any man has ever taken in my lifetime-- he bought a ticket and crossed the big pond to come meet me!Thankfully, I was able to shed my tears prior to his arrival at the airport. That first hug was the most amazing moment in my life, and in that instant it confirmed what I had suspected for some time. Unlike any other man that has entered my life before, where I have had to determine if it was worthwhile creating a friendship, partnership, or professional relationship, this one does not have to worry about me passing any judgments-- by the very fact that he is my brother, he has my unconditional love. These days, we are all so cautious, and while I do believe that it wise to think before acting, it is also important to make sure we don't over-analyze things. Some people worry so much about situations that they become paralyzed-- utterly unable to make any decisions or changes in their lives. My brother could have easily said that he would see me during the holidays or whenever I am visiting his [...]

Throughout the years, I have encountered so many people who have tried to fill certain voids in their lives with shopping, drugs, alcohol, expensive trips, affairs or amassing fortunes. I too have been guilty of trying to find ways to avoid the emptiness, which is created whenever we lose someone special to us either through a parting of ways or death. After such an event, it is natural to feel a hole in your heart, but rather than avoid the source of the pain, what we need to do is identify the problem and try to find a solution. The one thing I always craved in life was having a family. When I got married and had my son, I thought I finally had it all. Little did I realize that as my son would grow, all the unresolved issues from my past buried deep inside me would rise to the surface and require my attention. Seeing my son with his father made me realize, quite painfully, what I had missed in my own youth. Then, as he began to ask more questions about the family history, it became clear to me that I would have to find a way to get some answers. Opening Pandora's box has been quite an experience, but I am eternally grateful to my son for sending me on this quest, where I got much more than what I had originally bargained for-- my goal was simply to learn about the past, never once allowing myself to think about a possible future with anyone. Finding my family, has filled a huge emptiness in my life that I never admitted to anyone, even myself.The journey is rarely easy, and may in fact be quite painful, but if we can find the strength to tackle the painful issues in our lives as opposed to trying to bury them, I believe we stand a far better chance at finding true happiness.

For years, Father's Day was just like any other day to me. Only after I became a mother did I truly begin to appreciate first-hand the bond between a child and his/her father. After my divorce, for many years this holiday brought up mixed feelings for me-- I was so happy my son could enjoy having his father in his life, yet so sad that we could not all stay together as an intact family. Whatever feelings the holidays may conjure up in my clients, I always counsel them to encourage their minor children to acknowledge their fathers on Father's Day, along with every other holiday, by getting a card at a minimum, and if possible a gift. In the end, no matter how much some might resent their ex-spouses, they have to admit that they once loved that person and as a result of that love a child was produced.This Father's Day, for the first time in ages, there are no mixed feelings for me. I have finally found the answers to questions that have plagued me for a lifetime. By understanding my maker, the one in whose image I was created, I have gained tremendous ground in becoming more self-aware, and more importantly for the first time in my life, I have found true acceptance.

These days, certain politicans have been making headings due to their issues with impulse control, but the truth is based on what I have seen, we could all use a lesson on learning to rein in our emotions. Especially with the rise and speed of modern technology, we have to make ourselves stop and think of the consequences of putting something in writing, posting things on Facebook, or sending lewd pictures via the internet, Twitter, etc.Here are 3 questions we should ask ourselves before communicating something in the heat of the moment:1. Does this really need to be sent now? If the answer is no, then wait until your are a little calmer.2. Can I stand by this statement? In other words, will I embarrassed if this message is read by others?3. What is the point of sending the message? Make sure there is in fact something worth saying, otherwise don't bother.Quite recently, I met a woman who wanted her ex to know exactly how poorly she thought of him, and despite everyone's recommendation that she not send an email, she was convinced that she had to this for her own sake. I guess if she felt it had to be sent, that she could stand by her comments, and that it served some purpose, then she did the right thing, but if she thinks it will at all resonate with him, I am willing to bet he will only think about it long enough to hit "delete." He has already moved on, and so should she. As one wise observer remarked, in the end, what we all need to preserve is our dignity.

I am usually a pretty decisive person, but I have to admit that post-divorce I have had a number of occassions where I question my ability to prudently judge a situation or person. It is at these times when I am eternally grateful to my core group of friends that I lovingly refer to as my "think tank." When I am ambivalent about a choice that needs to be made, I try to subject the question to a number of my trusted peers, and then I weigh their comments carefully before making my own decision. I may not always adhere to the majority opinion, but I appreciate hearing the pros and cons from different perspectives, as it helps me make what I feel is a more informed decision.Many of my clients have complained of being filled with self-doubt or uncertainty as they try to navigate unchartered waters by themselves, and my advice is always to have them rely on a core group of friends that can provide emotional support and lend a sympathetic ear during this difficult phase in their lives.For those who are used to being independant, it may take some time before the idea of submitting things for peer review starts to come naturally, but I think the sooner a person can grow accustomed to this, the better. Life only gets more complicated as we get older, and having people with different expertise weigh in with their suggestions on how to address a problem just expands the possibilities for finding the best solution.

Let's face it, attorneys tend to be control freaks: we like telling our clients what to do; we monitor carefully our schedules and calendars; we edit our clients' emails and choose their words for them; we prepare the case in our own way; in a courtroom we ensure the rules are followed; and meanwhile, the people most emotionally invested in the case cannot speak unless specifically addressed by the judge or counsel. While these skills might serve us well at work, they can be quite detrimental in our personal lives.Funny thing about life is that it does not always like following someone's plan. My first real lesson in this respect was with my son. It is very hard to accept (especially as a control freak) that a "due date" is not actually set in stone. In the beginning of my pregnancy, no one could tell me if it would be a boy or girl, whether he would look like his dad or me, whether I would need to go on bedrest, have a C-section, or when my water would break. I kept wondering what I would do if the latter happened while I was in court or in a client meeting-- thankfully, all that worrying was unnecessary, as it wound up happening at the hospital. But the point was, I had to learn to just accept that all these things were completely out of my control.Since my son's birth, lots of things have not gone according to my plan, including most notably my divorce. To me, that was the most humiliating public admission of failure-- not something most overachievers are comfortable with; meanwhile, everyone around me got hit with the impact of the economic crisis, showing me that we are all susceptible to having our best laid plans torn to shreds by the whirlwind of life. I am always going to be a planner at heart, it is simply in my nature. While I cannot control the world around me, I will continue to control my own schedule and the cases I handle, but thanks to life's lessons and my trainings in Mediation and Collaborative Law these past few years, I have learned to facilitate conversations, encourage clients to determine their own settlements, and in many ways, I have learned to let go of various outcomes. For those who have come to know me as a reformed control freak, I [...]