Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
Is Monogamy Dying Out?
A lot of people ask me whether I think monogamy is dying out, and honestly, I never think it will. It is in our nature to get attached to people, and when we find someone special, we really don't want to share that person with anyone else-- we want to claim that person as our partner and be able to count on him/her respecting a mutual agreement to be in a sexually exclusive relationship. This is normal, and healthy for building trust and intimacy. The problem kicks in when all is not right in the Garden of Eden. Many people marry very young (the national average for women is about 26), before they truly know themselves, have established career paths, and have come to terms with their true wants and needs in a partner. By the time these things become a lot clearer, usually in someone's 30's or 40's, many are finding that his/her partner is not the best match. Some are courageous enough to try and work on communicating effectively with his/her significant other, and will make an effort in implementing changes that can improve the relationship; but others will not, and instead they will seek an escape from the situation, which often begins with a seemingly benign "emotional connection" to someone else and then turns into much more with the passage of time. These days, thanks to modern technology, temptation is everywhere. I cannot tell you how many divorces these days have included stories of people reconnecting with an old flame on Facebook. You can chat, IM, tweet, text, or surf the internet dating sites all from the comfort of your own home while it may appear that you are doing work on your phone or computer. It is so easy and fun to build new connections instead of facing difficult conversations with a spouse, and yet I think we owe it to our partners and ourselves to at least try to work things out or be honest with one another as to why the relationship needs to end before we move on to the next love interest. In the end, it is not monogamy that is dying out, but rather our communication skills that seem to be fading fast. These days people will "like" my status and guys will send me a "hey" text and somehow they all think that is staying connected. Well, I guess I [...]
Fear of Change
In the past week, several have brought to my attention this common problem among many-- a fear of change. So many take comfort in what they know, that which is familiar, and so even if it is not ideal, they would prefer to stay within their comfort zone than to venture out into the unknown. But sadly, life is full of change, and those that cannot adapt will be at a severe disadvantage.A wise, older woman was telling me that too many people try to shield their children from changes, but in her opinion children should be exposed to changes (obviously within reason) so that they understand and learn that changes are normal and necessary sometimes to get to a better place. I could not agree with her more-- as much as I believe children need stability and consistency in their lives, I also believe they need to experience the world around them.Throughout the years, I have found the most interesting individuals (and usually the best story tellers) are always the ones that are willing to seek adventure- they travel, try new restaurants, have jobs with varying assignments and are always meeting new people. To be fun for others, and enjoy life in the process, requires us to break out of our regular routines, overcome whatever hang-ups are holding us back, and embrace new opportunities. I don't see why we should fear change-- what I fear is not being able to change.
Slashing Budgets-Not Just a Government Problem
My least favorite task to work through with clients is reviewing their budgets these days. It seems everyone is hemorrhaging cash. Sadly there are few easy solutions-- either the parties 1) increase their income to meet their household budgets; 2) decrease expenses; 3) cash-in assets to meet the deficit; or 4) take on more debt to meet expenses.Everyone needs to be able to afford decent housing, food, clothing, transportation, and medical care. So the painful exercise is cutting the "extras" like travel and entertainment, or country club memberships. It is very hard to tell people which of these expenses should be cut, but obviously it is the discretionary (non-necessary) expenses that have to be carefully reviewed and eliminated wherever possible.For many clients in the DC Area, one of the first big ticket items to consider eliminating is private school tuition for kids under 18. In the DC Area, these tuitions can range from $15,000 to $35,000 per year. Given the choice of being able to save for college and meet the household's necessary expenses, or paying $1000 or more a month on the luxury of a private education, many parents are finding it necessary to eliminate this expense.We all have to make difficult decisions these days, and yet I hope we can all act in a way that takes the children's best interest into account as the primary concern. We need to reassure them that we will continue to provide for them, and that they are not at fault for any of the problems that need to be addressed by the grown-ups in their lives. The economic crisis was created by adults, and we have to fix it, not pass this on to the next generation.
For Better or Worse
Last year, when I attended the Lab School Gala, the award recipient talked about her experience overcoming learning difficulties, and at the end of her speech she said, "all our children want are love and acceptance." So true, but I would venture to say even as adults that is all we truly seek in life. I have heard so many people mention in dating that they are seeking "unconditional love," and with my clients I often hear them complain that their spouses clearly did not mean their vows when they said, "for better or worse." Here is the problem as I see it: most people (in a healthy environment) grow up with unconditional love from their parents and other relatives. As they get older, once in a committed relationship, they many mistakenly equate this with a familial bond like the one they experiend as children. Unfortunately, adult relationships are entirely conditional-- it is completely unrealistic to expect unconditional love from a non-relative. Every relationship we form outside of our family bonds are based on a pact-- some understanding of what we expect from each other. In a life partner, most of us are seeking someone who will not only share our goals, interests, and enjoy adventures and celebrations with us, but also someone that will walk the line-- share in the financial and household responsibilities, work with us to tackle the challenges in life, and coordinate efforts to provide a happy and safe home life. When those pacts are broken, it jeapordizes the whole relationship. I don't know who thought it would be a good idea to insert into marriage vows the line "for better or worse," but I would like to lobby for its removal. In a marriage, or any adult relationship really, you need to be cognizant of each other's wants and needs, and not take each other for granted if you want it to last. The only relationships that I have seen last "for better or worse" 99% of the time are through blood ties.
Maintaining the Status Quo
There is nothing worse during a separation process than that horrible feeling of complete uncertainty. Without a time-sharing schedule for the kids, an agreement on finances, or any idea of when either party is going to move out, clients feel completely vulnerable. I have lost count of how many times I have gotten a frantic call because one parent got to the school first and took the kids, or someone went away for the weekend and came home to an empty house. Bank accounts get raided, bills don't get paid, and when people don't communicate about these things, all this can quickly and easily escalate into a very bad situation.It is hard to explain to clients that what a normal citizen might consider an emergency, may not be viewed as one by the courts. Remember, courts see the worst of the worst, so getting an emergency hearing is rare. This means it could take months before certain pressing issues can be addressed in litigation-- but that is NOT the case in Collaborative cases.When clients sign on to the Collaborative process, they agree to maintain the status quo until a new agreement is reached changing the couple's established operating procedures with finances, child-rearing, or living arrangements. Collaborative provides parties with immediate security, unlike any other process, and allows them to set the pace so issues can get addressed quickly and efficiently.There are some mediators and even litigators that encourage couples to try and maintain the status quo during the divorce process, but it is not a contractual requirement, and sometimes it simply is not feasible. I understand that sometimes it simply is necessary to move out without further discussion, and there are times when expenses just need to be eliminated and funds have to be accessed to meet certain obligations, but I urge everyone to try and create as little upheaval as possible-- especially when children are involved. The more stability and continuity that we can preserve during the dissolution of a partnership, the greater the chance of exiting with goodwill, dignity and grace.
Letting Things Ride
Over the years, I have encountered many who have endured abuse, betrayal, addiction issues, or withholding of intimacy by their partners for years, and yet they let things ride in their unhappy marriages in order to keep the status quo. I have come to understand that for many the fear of change or being alone is so paralyzing that they just sit and do nothing... until some event interferes with this passive approach to life and causes a change to occur, which often makes me wonder how things might have played out differently if when things first started to go south someone had taken a less passive approach-- I bet half the people I see would not wind up needing my advice if they would cease to take the path of least resistance. In dating, and with relationships in general there is a similar phenomenon, which I've dubbed "the path of least resistance." Here, I see those with a passive approach stay in a comfortable situation, simply because it is just that. Again, I think it ties back to this fear of being alone or facing change, and I understand that when you have been out playing the dating game for a while it is rather nice to take a break with someone half-way decent. But eventually someone will get attached and expect more out of the relationship, and the next thing you know you are feeling pressured to move in together, adopt a dog or cat, and you start playing house. Then the pressure mounts to get engaged, get married or have a baby. The more entrenched you get in your lives together, the harder it is going to be to disentangle, and so for these people that choose the path of least resistance, I see them just settle for what has become easy. Sadly, sooner or later they are in for a rude awakening. Here is a news flash: life is not easy. Life is full of challenges, and when faced with trying times, it is true love that will be the glue that keeps a couple together-- all those that picked a comfortable partner may be in for a shock when that person chooses to bail when times actually get tough. I'm not shocked at all-- I see it everyday. I also realize from everything I have seen in my career that we all get sick eventually, [...]
Trying to Juggle Too Much At Once
Most humans are creatures of habit; change is difficult for lots of people, and trying to take on too much at once can cause significant stress in the best of us. Changing jobs, going through a house renovation or move, addressing health issues, dealing with a new puppy or baby, all create pressures on us and can significantly impact how we interact with others. So, as much as we might feel capable of taking everything on at once, my advice is to try and limit these changes-- prioritize and tackle the most urgent tasks first, then work down the list. The less stressed you are, the happier you will be and those around you will appreciate this as well.We are all juggling a lot these days-- these are challenging economic times; few have job security; many have seen their home equity and savings depleted; families are scattered all over; and we all struggle to meet the demands from work and home, often at the expense of finding time for ourselves. But that "me time" is key, and in fact is probably vital to helping us find our center so that we can go on to try and tackle life's challenges. If the chaos is overwhelming, it may actually be time for a mini-vacation. I am certainly not promoting that we try to escape our problems (that rarely works), but there is definite value in stepping away from the madness around us in order to gain some perspective. By extricating ourselves from a difficult situation, even just for a long weekend, we are far more capable of seeing the bigger picture. Then, after gathering our thoughts we can step back in to address the most immediate concerns first, and perhaps accepting that some balls may just get dropped. It happens to everyone.
Which is Worse?
Sometimes, when there isn't a perfectly clean solution to a problem, I find the simplest question helps break the impasse: which is worse? To stay in an unhappy relationship for another month and see if things get better, or call it quits now? To hang on in a miserable job situation to see if it will improve, or to make a change and try something new? To remain silent on an issue to keep the peace or speak up and try to have your perspective understood? The way I may answer these questions is not necessarily how most people would, so what I have learned over time is to warn people that a person's advice is always going to be tainted by his/her own experience. Personally, my history proves that I will leave an unhappy relationship; I will always look for a better job if I am dissatisifed with my current situation; and I will speak my mind. I am independant, assertive and full of opinions-- but not everyone is built this way, and while I usually make decisions at lightening speed, others operate on their own timeframe. By observing my clients all these years, I have learned that most people are quite afraid of change. Many tried to take the path of least resistance and have admitted to staying in unhappy marriages for ages because they did not want to upset the apple cart-- better to stay with the devil you know versus the one you don't know. But I wonder this-- what if they asked themselves, which is worse: 1) to start dating again in your 40's or in your 50's?; 2)to model for a child an intact, but unhappy family unit or to have them go between two homes with much happier parents?; 3) to end a marriage sooner and reduce the risks of claims to longer alimony or greater stakes in marital property, or keep the status quo and have these claims grow stronger? Ultimately, each person has to decide what course of action to take in his/her own life, and when my clients doubt my opinion, I encourage them to go get a second opinion. This is standard operating procedure in the medical field, and it should be just as standard in the legal profession. I give second opinions all the time-- especially when someone is debating a settlement agreement versus going to trial. This [...]
The Opposite of Love Is Not Hate
There is so much that my wise psychologist friends have taught me over the years, but one of the best lessons they shared with me early on is that the opposite of love is not hate, but rather apathy. That has helped me understand so much about my clients throughout the years-- for it really is a thin line between love and hate. When you are angry at someone, it demonstrates that you still care on some level-- if you truly did not care, their actions would not affect you at all. Often I have seen people do ridiculous things to get another's attention-- write nasty emails, send incessant texts, call repeatedly to yell, etc. Here is my tip for disengaging: don't respond. You can always screen calls and delete unwanted emails or texts. If you are going to respond, remember Bill Eddy's line to use "BIFF," keep it Brief, Informative, Friendly, but Firm. While parents struggle to get to the point of apathy with their partners during a separation, I strongly encourage them to avoid the conflict around their children. Kids do not need to know the details that are being negotiated in a separation agreement or that there has been an affair. They just need to be kept apprised of changes that might impact them, but more than anything they need to be reassured of three things: (1) that both their parents love them, (2) that the divorce is not their fault and (3) that both parents will continue to be part of their lives. When kids are involved, divorced parents cannot completely detach, and instead must learn to develop a professional business-like relationship. In doing so, these parents are actually modeling for their children the skill of artfully detaching, which is a necessary life skill both in our professional and personal lives. We all need to be able to manuveur through some complex relationships, including maintaining some at an emotional distance while severing those ties that are toxic, hopefully while never losing sight of the fact that the joy of building healthy relationships is what actually makes life worth living. By Regina A. DeMeo
Being A Sister, Without the Baggage
Several people have been amazed by the fact that I could spend an entire week with my half-brother, essentially a complete stranger up until 3 months ago, in my house. Even some of our family members seemed a bit concerned prior to the visit-- worried that we would not get along, or that being in the same house for such a long period of time might be a bother. What everyone seems to be missing is that the inconvenience was NOT having him in my life all these years.Since we did not grow up together, we do not have any of the baggage that most siblings seem to carry with them from the past. We are meeting as adults, with a completely clean slate when it comes to our own relationship. Playing 20 questions with each other is actually fun-- because we are genuinely interested in each other's answers, and it is safe to open up because neither one is bailing on the other-- ever. The week together just flew by, and the only difficult moment was actually saying good-bye and putting him back on that plane across the Atlantic.Thanks to modern technology, we can stay rather well connected, and we have already proven ourselves to be good co-conspirators in terms of playing jokes and working together on gifts for others. While my son keeps wishing that both his uncles could live next door to us, I have to keep reminding him that he should just be grateful we found everyone-- focus on what you have, and not what you don't have.Of course I wish we were not some real life version of Princess Leah and Luke Skywalker, separated at birth for all these years, but I'm not so sure we would have hit it off so well before I became a reformed Control Freak, and I am a firm believer in the saying that everything happens for a reason: My brothers, along with my father and uncle have come into my life exactly when my son wants and craves more male figures in his life, and I feel safe introducing these men to him because they are not going anywhere.As I watched my brother play with my son last month, I found myself melting-- something I feared might no longer be possible at this stage of the game. Without any history to taint my feelings towards my brother, I [...]