Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
The Paradigm Shift from Litigator to Collaborator
This fall, as I gear up for my new round of lectures, I am really excited to share my views on what we call the "paradigm shift" from litigator to collaborator. As a litigator, I was intially trained to hear my client's story and figure out his/her desired outcome. It was then my job to zealously represent that person and get the best possible result for that one person. But over time, I realized that most people going through a divorce are in an incredibly emotional state; they are going through a tragic phase in their lives, and they cannot always see things clearly or use their best judgment. They can barely comprehend what is going on from their own perspective, let alone try to explain what might be going on from the other person's point of view. The games of strategy in litigation are endless, and the costs of litigation often fueled by a clients' distorted view of reality and unrealistic expectations driven by their anger can be astronomical. I have seen several cases where the parties each spend $300,000 or more in litigation fees. The only ones who truly win at the end of the day in those cases are the attorneys, not the families.I went to law school to help people, and in a divorce, I believe it is my duty to promote the family's well being, especially when children are involved. I would like to see people dissolve their unions with dignity and grace. If they can learn to talk in a respectful manner and resolve their differences outside of a public courtroom, without using attorneys as their mouthpieces, I believe couples can salvage a tremendous amount of goodwill, especially for the sake of the kids. Getting people to focus on a win-win as a desired outcome that minimizes the loss for everyone within the family system is a much more humane and socially responsible approach. My collaborative trainings have broadened my thinking in ways I never could have imagined. I now want to hear everyone's concerns, understand them without passing judgments, and work in a team approach with my colleagues to help families reconfigure their ties and fairly redistribute their obligations. By internalizing these lessons and applying them in my personal life, I wound up going on an completely unintended journey. So many things that I thought mattered before are actually quite insignificant today. While [...]
With Divorce Lawyers, One Size Does Not Fit All
People going through a divorce have different goals and interests. There are some that are incredibly angry, and they want a "legal shark" to make the other person suffer. Then there are those who are simply sad (but not mad) that the marriage did not work out, and they would like to exit as quickly and gracefully as possible. The statistics actually show that 66% fall into the latter category, and those are truly the people I enjoy working with the most, not the former. After over a decade of experience with family law cases in the nation's capitol, most people are fully aware of the reputation I have established. I volunteer a lot of my time to promoting settlements outside of court, including the use of Collaborative Divorce and mediation as alternatives to resolve family disputes. I have chosen to spend my time dedicating my efforts to helping families preserve as much goodwill as possible, and to focus on the children. I feel I am helping create a better society, and in making that choice I accept that I will never generate the kinds of fees that my colleagues focused on litigation can make for their firms. The fact is, most Americans, cannot afford a full blown litigated case, and it is my goal to help as many people as possible at reasonable rates. True "high-conflict cases" only comprise about 20% of all divorces, but unfortunately those are the ones people hear about the most. These tend to gravitate towards big firms with 24/7 resources for these cases that often demand immediate attention. For those that feel they need these kinds of services, and are able to pay the huge rates that accompany that type of service, it is still imperative that clients research the reputation of the firm's partners. All divorce lawyers are not created equally, and if you are going to entrust your family's future to someone, you need to make sure you are in good, trustworthy hands.
Dating Basics- For Those In Need of a Refresher
I know for the last 40 years women have been working towards complete equality with men, but many of us remain traditionalist outside the workforce. Recently, a guy was complaining to me about the fact that it is always expected that he will be the one to ask a woman out, and that he should be the one to pay. The conversation went on far longer than necessary, and I learned way more than I ever needed to about this guy's life. I wish I could reclaim the lost time, but maybe that talk was not in vain, if I can use it to help some others out with some basic dating guidelines, so here we go: 1. Most women are going to expect that if a guy is interested, he will ask her out. If she agrees to drinks, coffee, whatever, and the man likes like her, it is proper manners for the man to pay the bill. Then within 48 hours, the man should follow up with an email, text whatever, saying he had a nice time. 2. If a woman likes a man after the first date, she will respond and will make time to get another date on the calendar within a fairly reasonable time. 3. During the first few dates, look to see if you are taking turns sharing the basic information you need when checking for compatability. It is not just about chemistry, which is key, but also do you connect when you talk about one another's backgrounds- family, education, work experience, interests? 4. After the first two dates, you should try to do an activity together-- not the X-rated kind. For example, try going to a concert, movie, museum, or go for a bike ride or hiking together. We can all be on our best behavior for a few hours, but spending a longer amount of time together is a great way to gauge how well you hang for extended periods of time. 5. Be sensitive to each person's time constraints, other responsiblities, and need for space and time to process his/her emotions and proceed at a comfortable pace. Especially if you are dating a professional, who may have children and other family obligations, you cannot expect to rank as a priority anytime soon in that person's life. Finally, the best advice I can give anyone is to just have fun playing 20 [...]
Why Do Boys Just Hang, While Girls Talk?
Recently, my son asked me, "why do you girls always get together and talk?" I laughed, for I have been observing over time thay boys really do spend time together much differently than girls. Men tend to do an activity together-- watch sports, play a game, get a beer and watch t.v., and that is just fine with them. Meanwhile, women get together and we talk. We might share a meal together, go shopping, head to the spa, go watch a movie or work out together, but the time we spend together is filled with the stories we share with one another-- we do not just hang. Having seen this over time and read various theories on this, I had my answer ready for my son: Back in the day, when men were hunters, they had to spend time together, but quietly. It is a skill they learned over time, to just be in each other's company, know that they can rely on one another, but not have to say much. Meanwhile, women used to stay home taking care of the babies, cleaning and cooking meals together, and as they spent time with one another and helped each other out, they talked. Even though our roles are different now, I think some of these traits continue to be passed down throughout the generations.So many women complain that their partners don't talk enough, and many men complain that their female partners want to talk too much. Perhaps as we have come to view each other more than ever as equals over the last 40 years, we have somehow come to expect that we should socialize the same way? The problem is we are not in fact built the same way, and perhaps some distinct personality traits are simply innate. No where is this more apparent to me than within my own family-- I laugh when I look at the men in my clan-- my uncle, father, brother and son all seem to just sit and take it all in while the women in the room dominate the conversation. Then just when you think they are not listening, they chime in with some of the funniest or most insightful one-liners. I guess the men I love are men of few words, but full of wisdom and patience.In order to co-exist peacefully, we need to be sensitive to one another's needs and more [...]
The Perfect Divorce Client
We each have our own set of ideals, and what I consider to be the perfect client may not be true for another attorney, but generally here are some qualities that most of my clients tend to possess, which makes for a good working relationship: 1. Respectful of boundaries- these clients understand that there are other cases that also require my attention, and they do not expect a return phone call within 10 minutes. They do not leave 10 messages in one day or bombard me with 20 emails at a time. They understand that a true emergency requires one to call 911, and they are not trying to reach me between the hours of 6pm and 8am. 2. Timely payments- none of us like to work for free, and having to help people through stressful/traumatic events in their lives is not easy. Financing a person's divorce is not the responsibility of a divorce attorney. 3. Follows advice- nothing is more frustrating for me than giving a client excellent advice and watching them completely ignore it. I would be a very rich person if I would have just collected $10 from each client that later told me, "you were right, I should not have done that." 4. Seeks appropriate help- some clients are so overwhelmed with emotions that they cannot focus on the crisis at hand. When clients don't return my calls, don't respond to emails, and don't do what they are supposed to in a timely manner, I am very limited in my ability to help them. When clients cannot control their anger and blow up at me, I politely hang up. These people need to get professional help so that I can help them, otherwise it may be necessary to terminate the attorney-client relationship. 5. Sees the bigger picture- I often tell people they need to pick their battles and learn to let go of some things. A client that wants to turn every argument into World War III and cannot see beyond his/her own needs or desires is not going to appreciate my philosophy. Luckily at this point in my career, it has become mostly a self-selective process, such that clients seek me out because of my reputation for promoting amicable settlements either through mediation, Collaborative Divorce or a respectfully negotiated agreement. My best clients trust me, respect my judgment, and appreciate the hard work and honest [...]
Remembering My Classmate on September 11
I cannot believe we are approaching the 10 year anniversary of the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks, which will forever be a vivid memory in my mind. I was working in DC, 2 blocks from the White House. When I entered the reception area of my law firm, several people were gathered in the main conference room watching t.v. I vaguely heard someone mention a plane accident involving one of the Twin Towers as I continued towards my office. While reviewing phone messages and logging into my computer, I heard the news that a second plane had crashed into the other Twin Tower. Eventually, we got word that the White House might be the next target, and all the local garages went into shut down mode. It became impossible to make any phone calls, and the streets were in absolute gridlock. I went to the roof to get a better view, and the snippers in the next building told me to stay back inside. I never felt so helpless in my life.Eventually, I was able to meet up with my husband, and together we walked home almost in absolutely silence. That evening, we were glued to the t.v. watching the same images in complete disbelief. I wondered if I might know anyone that had not survived, and as soon as they allowed people to visit Ground Zero, I made the journey to see the site with my own eyes. It was horrific-- pictures of so many people posted on walls or along the church fences, notes from loved ones asking for any information as to missing person. I started to shake and found myself in tears, simply overwhelmed by the loss of so many lives.It was not until a few months later that I learned that one of my classmates from Phillips Academy Andover had died in the attacks: Todd Isaac. We were both originally from New York City, and we were among a few fortunate ones who won scholarships to attend this elite boarding school that took us out of the "hood" and gave us the best of every possible opportunity an academy of that caliber could offer a young aspiring mind. We both made a ton of friends at Andover and loved sports. Todd went on to attend Holy Cross, where he was a member of the Crusaders' storied basketball team, and then at a very young age achieved [...]
Cohabitating With Your Opposite
We have all heard the phrase that "opposites attract, but they don't last," and maybe that is true-- but it doesn't have to be. If we could accept each other's differences and appreciate our varying strengths, I think couples that can compensate for one another's deficits may be the strongest pairs ever. In many of the healthy relationships that I have observed over time the women tend to be the ones that dominate at home-- making sure the kids' needs are met, that all social plans are confirmed, that the family sticks to a schedule, and that there is some order to family's overall life. Meanwhile, their partners are much more laid back-- having sometimes no sense of time, no preference as to having a plan or just staying home, and no apparent care as to whether the laundry is properly folded or not. It seems crazy, but maybe that is what provides balance to the overall family life? Those of us with control tendencies may try to go too far if left unchecked-- so maybe what actually makes the most sense is to fall for the easy-going, carefree types (obviously without going to an extreme). My son, my brother, and my father are all carefree spirits that can just roll with whatever happens-- 3 generations of men with the same character, which is completely contrary to mine. You would think they drive me crazy, and yet they have actually taught me to calm down and laugh at myself. I realize I cannot change them, just as they probably are not going to change me much, so we accept each other as we are, enjoy our time together as much as possible, and permit one another space as needed. The trick to peacefully cohabitating with your opposite is being able to communicate effectively in order to understand one another and resolve conflict. Dominant personalities that explode are never going to achieve the result they want with their opposites-- the passive types will simply shutdown and avoid confrontation. This creates a vicious cycle that cannot last forever-- eventually one will tire of this and take actions to make a change. To salvage a relationship at this point, the best option is to get professional help from a couple's counselor before it is too late.
Estate Planning, for the Sake of Your Loved Ones
Death is not something that most people want to think about, and yet we all know it is inevitable. Unfortunately, nothing seems to tear families apart more than battles over money. Having a simple will and/or setting up a trust does not have to be a very involved process for most people and can be done rather inexpensively these days. The main things to cover with an attorney are as follows: 1) Who will be your personal representative or executor of the will? 2) Who will be the trustee that manages the assets in a trust? 3) Who will be the back-up executor and/or trustee? 4) What specific bequests (gifts) would you like to make to certain individuals? 4) What happens to your entire estate after all debts are paid? 5) Are there any charities you wish to remember in your will? Many of my clients cannot focus on estate planning issues while dealing with the divorce, but I definitely encourage them to do this as soon as possible, especially if they have minor children, who will need to have assets managed by a trusted individual. When people re-marry, it is important that they realize that a prenuptial agreement does not act as a substitute for a will, and they should get legal advice as to how local state laws probate an estate absent a will. Furthermore, as blended-family situations continue to increase in our society, it is critical that parents take appropriate measures to protect their children's interests and well-being. Without a will in place, a step-parent may be able to assert control over a substantial amount of the assets and the step-child may be left in a very precarious financial situation. Relationships will continue to evolve over our lifetime, however, we should not use this as an excuse to postpone estate planning, rather we should view estate planning as something that needs to be revisited periodically. Ultimately, our heirs are the legacies we leave behind after we leave this Earth, and providing them with peace of mind that they are not inheriting a financial and/or legal nightmare should be our parting gift to those we love. By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
Deep-Seeded Issues
We all have our issues, maybe some more than others, but not everyone has self-awareness. Sometimes, unfortunately, it takes a catastrophic event to trigger a journey inward, such as a divorce or death in the family. Even then, not everyone will want to do the hard work to delve into the past and figure out their feelings. Most people in fact are wired to avoid conflict, and they would prefer to forget the past, just enjoy the present and try to not stress about the future. Then there are those of us who are just gluttons for punishment...Over the past few months, I have immensely enjoyed finding my family after all these years-- especially my baby brother, who I was never sure I would find. Yet, the journey to find him was filled with peril-- the risk of being rejected, or accepted at first only to be later abandoned, the possibility that no one in the family would understand me or love me, or that perhaps in some way I have disappointed them all by not meeting their expectations. These are all normal fears-- perhaps completely not rational, but emotionally quite real. Thankfully, I understand where these fears stem from and know how to cope with them, and so it is that now more than ever I believe that if something does not kill you, it truly only makes you stronger.Hopefully after a divorce, most people will find a second chance at love. Before diving head-first into a significant new relationship, however, I urge people to find the courage and time to delve a bit into their pasts. Until they can understand the past and come to peace with the loss suffered, they will not be in the best position to open themselves up to another person. With any new relationship, sooner or later our issues of trust, attachment and abandonment will rise to the surface, and we need to be aware of our issues and how they may impact others if we want to form healthy loving relationships based on honesty and mutual respect.
Making Memories
In this economy, we all have to focus on the basics, but with children it is also important to make sure we allow for some special moments at amusement parks, beaches, spending time at the pool, going to sporting events, zoos, museums, and shows because those are the memories that kids (and their parents) will cherish forever.Each year of my son's life, I have made him an album capturing some of our favorite moments. This year's album, however, is extra special for it is filled with faces of loved ones I had always longed for and wondered about, yet for over three decades I lived with only one photo of my father, and none of my extended family.This past week, I took my son to visit our newly discovered relatives. Watching my son bond with everyone brought me more joy than I ever could have imagined, and finally having some one-on-one time with my long lost cousins is something I will always cherish, although the thought of all the years we lost does pain me.I realize I will not always be here to remind my son about the entire story that has unfolded over the last seven months, but hopefully enough will be preserved of this beautiful home-coming story that all those involved can carry some piece of it to last a lifetime, and all those that watched it unfold will be inspired in their own lives to think about opening their hearts and minds with their own families.