Regina’s Blog

I think it is safe to say that most people work in order to live, but some of us are fortunate enough to love our work, and it may be said that we live to work. We love what we do, it is a passion that consumes us, and it is a huge part of our identity. For those that fall into this latter category, I think it is really important to be aware of this characteristic within ourselves and to appreciate that most people are not like us. This becomes particularly critical when picking a partner-- for it can really be a problem if one person hates to work, while the other is a workaholic. When people meet early in life-- such as high school or college sweethearts, it is still too early to tell whether someone is going to be addicted to his/her work. Later on, as careers are defined and take on a key role in someone's life, if the other partner cannot adapt to this change, it can cause an insurmountable divide between the two parties. There are some who meet already entrenched work-junkies and delude themselves into thinking that this person will change his/her priorities for the right relationship. Others are quite drawn to the intensity exhibited by a person driven by his/her work. In either case, as time wears on, it is often the fact that the partner not married to his/her work eventually starts to resent the time and effort that his/her partner is putting into work commitments. If these concerns are not addressed and a compromise is not reached early on, I believe these relationships are doomed.After observing the dynamics describe above for some time, I am convinced that the best partnerships for career-driven people are with those who share that same core value. Those that are equally work-motivated will have a level of respect and understanding for each other that few others can share. Finding time to coordinate calendars and schedule time together may not be easy for such "power couples" and yet if there is love I believe they will find a way to make it work, precisely because they have to realize that meeting someone with whom they share not only a spark, but also a major philosophical view towards the work/life balance, is like finding a needle in a haystack. If you are lucky enough to find that [...]

This week, I witnessed the end of three marriages-- one was a decade old; the other two decades; the third was over 30 years. None were easy, and all were handled quite differently-- one was Collaborative, the other a negotiated settlement, the third went to trial and is in the hands of a judge right now. It may surprise you to know that the most difficult was actually the Collaborative case, which involved young children. Being a divorce lawyer is like performing an amputation, without any anesthesia. The technical side of what I must to is easy, but it actually pains me to see people struggle to figure out the reason why they are getting divorced-- something that may plague them for some time, but that the courts may not give much weight to in determining a fair division of the marital pie. While people are wrapped up in the emotions, to the professionals it is a businesss transaction, where the sooner the person learns to detach from the emotions, the better off s/he will be in terms of making sound decisions.Some people seem to think there has to be a major trangression to cause a divorce. Those are actually rare-- more often it is a culmanation of various factors that have built up over time. A couple's inability to resolve conflict, a lack of shared values or vision for the future, repeated affronts to someone's dignity and respect, and/or a failure to communicate effectively and show one another love and consideration, all add up until finally one person finds the courage to end this unhealthy existence in the hopes of something better--- even if that means possibly living the rest of one's life in solitude.No one dreams of getting married and then getting divorced. 80% of Americans get married and obviously hope for a happily-ever-after ending together. Unfortunately, that won't be in the cards for half of us, even when you marry your best friend for all the right reasons. Feelings of anger, sadness, fear, betrayal and/or injustice are all normal, but to remain stuck with those sentiments is not. My goal is to get people past the worst point so they can move on to a better place-- so they can start a new chapter in their lives. As my own case shows, who knows what that might bring?If I was following the Eat, Pray, Love model, I [...]

According to The Good Marriage, there are 4 ways people typically fall in love: 1) there are those with a savior complex, who want to rescue the one in need;2) there are friends, who are equals and eventually develop a romantic spark;3) there are those who just fall in love at first sight; and4) there are those who believe in the traditional marriage roles, and appreciate the other for his/her ability to dutifully complete the tasks associated with those roles.Research shows that the fourth model is dying out, and meanwhile there has been a dramatic increase in friends meeting in school or at work and then developing a romantic relationship, especially as women have consistently been gaining ground over the last 40 years in graduate school and the work force. Both of these models seem primarily driven by learned social behavior- but what about the other two? For those that seek the thrill of playing a savior role or love at first sight, contrary to every cautionary tale out there, could it be that there is a genetic component to what makes us fall in love?Some of us are simply wired to want to fix things, help others and make the world as perfect as possible. The "savior complex" my brother sees in me serves me well at work, but I have learned that it is a disaster to try to play this role with your partner. You wind up taking on the role of a parent/care-taker,and they start to see you as a nag. Eventually, you both become exhausted and frustrated with the vicious cycle and the romance completely fizzles. Love at first sight-- it may surprise many of you to hear that I have definitely been a victim of this, more than just once. I remember when I first met my high school sweetheart and had this "wow" moment, which is very difficult to explain, but it feels like you have butterflies in your stomach, and you get all tongue tied. Same thing when I first met my ex-husband back in 1993. Post-divorce, I am happy to say that even after suffering some broken heart moments, the fireworks are still possible in your 30's and 40's (and from what I've heard even in your 50's and 60's).Having never witnessed a couple's intimate interactions growing up, and not ever being privy to how my parents felt about love, partnerships, [...]

There has been a lot of debates lately about whether the American dream is still alive and whether corporations, focused on the bottom line and shareholder profits, are killing the American dream. While I do believe that there is a major problem created by the lack of social conscienceness in most private-sector companies, I think the real issue each individual needs to address for him/herself is what defines the American dream?I grew up with the understanding that the American dream meant anyone, from anywhere who wanted to work hard could get a good job, get married, buy a house, drive a decent car and live happily ever after. Even though I was born to an unwed immigrant that lacked a college degree, and my grandmother, who helped to raise me never finished middle school or learned any English, I believed in that dream.English is not my first language, and I did not come from a wealthy background, but by studying hard, at age 14 I won a scholarship to attend boarding school in New England. The gift of an amazing education, together with incredible internships and study-abroad experiences that were provided by my alma maters changed my life. By age 31, I was married and living the "American dream" with a solid law firm job, a nice house, a cool Mercedes, and a beautiful son. But there was this huge void in my life, and ultimately I forfeited most of the material things, and went in search of true happiness.It has been quite a journey these past few years learning not to care so much about what others might think or expect of me, and instead finding what truly matters to me most. Letting go of certain attachments was not easy, and I realized that a large part of that problem was that the way we measure success as a society is so often tied to material things or our status at work. Yet all those things can so easily be lost, and will not matter at all once we are gone. My education, experiences and close personal relationships are the three things that can never be taken away, regardless of how the economy is doing, and thankfully what I have discovered is that these are the things that I have come to value most. Ironcially, if my own marriage had not fallen apart, I suppose I could have become [...]

I never had any heroes growing up, and mostly I learned from the mistakes made by those around me. I was not raised in a household with a full cast of characters, so I never got to see how a couple resolves conflict, nor did I ever get to have any fights with any siblings or cousins. It is almost like being raised in a bubble, and perhaps that explains why I was so drawn to family law, where I got to see first-hand the conflicts families encounter. Many think that my work must be depressing, yet every day I see families making immense sacrifices and working together during a separation in order to minimize the downside for their children. On a daily basis, I see people make some of the toughest decisions-- risking emotional and financial security, in the hopes that by leaving an unhappy or unhealthy situation, they can provide their children with a happier, calmer, safer future. The clients I work with understand that they are role models for their children, and they do not want them to grow up thinking that it is okay to live in a miserable situation or that money can buy happiness, because they have already witnessed for themselves that nothing could be farther from the truth. Obviously, in an ideal world couples would do their best to resolve conflicts and stay together in one household, but I have learned that conflict resolution is a rare skill. I marvel at the fact that my aunt (who is celebrating her birthday today) has been married for 34 years and raised two beautiful, well-grounded daughters. She is an amazing person, full of wisdom and patience. I wish it had not taken me 38 years to find her, but I am very grateful that Auntie B. is in my life now. Family role models are truly special because generally only a catastrophic incident will sever that connection, and fortunately for most, those are rare. I will never know what it would have been like to grow up with people that looked like me or thought like me to help me in my early years, I can only imagine that it would have been great. Speaking as the child who always craved a family role model that could help guide me through life's challenges, I think it is critical to foster these family bonds, even when [...]

There once was a time when it was considered an honor to be a lawyer. Those times used to seem long gone to me-- until I was introduced to the Collaborative approach five years ago. At a recent lecture, Ralph Nader posed the question whether the practice of law has become less of a profession and more of a trade? Indeed, I have heard numerous great thinkers in the legal field lament over the demise of our once noble profession. The problem, as I see it is that somehow in the last 50 years, we have allowed people to use the law as a weapon. Maybe people need to remember the original intent of the law?Prof. David Hall wrote a thoughtful essay about how the law was created as a safety net for society when all other social norms failed-- it was meant to protect against gross injustice. Obviously, we can always aspire that our clients do more than the bare minimum, but that requires the attorney to embrace the role of a counselor, not just an advocate. Unfortunately, the latter skill has been emphasized in recent years, during which time many have misused the judicial system to gain incredibly unfair advantages by playing games of strategy without care or concern as to the greater social impact. These actions have now tarnished the reputation of so many in my field.When I was beginning to lose hope, the Collaborative model was introduced to DC. In this practice area, professionals sign an agreement to work together on cases and not play games. We make a pledge to help families preserve their resources as much as possible, and we disqualify ourselves from taking a Collaborative case to court. We essentially take an oath to do no harm-- a revoluntionary way of thinking for some so accustomed to the gladiator model we use in courts.The results in the Collaborative cases I have seen are not widely different from the settlements reached in a litigation model, it is simply the way the parties got there that is so vastly different. In a few civilized meetings, we work through the same issues that need to be addressed in court, without the posturing, the nasty grams, and threats. It is such a humane way to resolve disputes, and as this model has continued to gain popularity, it has restored my faith not just in the legal profession, [...]

Many of us thrive on gaining external positive affirmation for our endeavors. We all need positive reinforcement for our efforts at home, work and in our personal relationships, but the key is to not rely too much on others to validate your existence. Sometimes, people are so wrapped up in their own lives and challenges that they won't take the time to recognize the time and energy you have placed in something you thought was quite noteworthy. Maybe there is also some underlying issue of jealousy or envy. It is so hard not to take this personally, but the best advice I ever got was that you should just do something for your own sense of fulfillment without ever expecting anyone else to appreciate what you have done-- if they do, it will be a bonus, but expecting praise from others is a recipe for disaster.Most of my life, I have felt like the little boy in the Kite Runner, chasing that kite and waiting for that glorious day of ultimate praise. If you have read the story, you know how it ends. I cried when I read that book a few years ago, and it really made me reassess things. This past year, I severed all contact with one parent and went in search of the other; I also resigned from my firm this summer and decided to return to solo practice. These were not easy choices to make, and although the gains outweighed the losses, there was a significant amount of loss. Not everyone around me understood or agreed with my choices, but the bottom line is that it no longer mattered to me what others thought, I just needed to be at peace with myself. Different events may create a trigger that sets a person off on a life-altering journey, but the most important thing to remember is that during these trying times, you will have to rely immensely on your own inner strength. During difficult times, you really do learn who your core group of reliable sources are, but these may not always be available for you, and there will be incredibly lonely times when you have to be able to validate yourself. Every morning I found it helpful to come up with three positive phrases filled with words of affirmation that made me look forward to each new day. Sometimes, we have to find our [...]