Regina’s Blog

This week, I was fortunate enough to connect with someone who had sought out his biological mother when he was about my age. It was wonderful to hear his story about how he went in search of his birth mother, and although she had passed away by the time he discovered her identity, he was still able to connect with others in her family. He described how strange it was to see her picture and see how much he looked like her. He admitted how he could not get enough of the photo albums, and I understood exactly how he felt. The connection he has been able to develop with his biological family is something that he cherishes, and yet something so many take for granted.I grew up not looking like anyone around me, no one talked about my father, and there were no pictures anywhere that made me feel in anyway connected to others that might share some of my DNA. Sadly, I was told all the pictures burned in a fire. So when I finally found my dad, I cannot describe the joy I felt seeing that I actually looked just like someone else. Seeing my cousins and half-brother and being able to find similarities between us is just so cool, and I admit, I never grow tired of seeing their pictures, which are all over my house these days.Unlike me, my son is growing up with both his parents in his life, even though we are in separate households. He knows exactly who he looks like, where he gets certain traits, and hopefully as he gets older he will be able to take from the best of both our personalities. In addition, thanks to my discovery this year, he also now has two complete sets of grandparents, two uncles, and a ton of extended family that will hopefully help him feel more connected and loved in this world than I could ever have imagined possible. That is the best gift I could ever give him-- even though he may not realize it for many years to come.After a divorce, most people lose connections and family ties are usually strained. Ironically, it is probably as a direct result of my divorce that I went in search of my biological father and now have 8 wonderful new people in my life. The point I want to make in sharing [...]

Throughout the years, I have heard from others that they have really benefited from going to AA meetings, group therapy, or workshops for different reasons. I had never experienced anything like this really-- until today. I went to a parenting class taught by a psychologist, who provided tips for more effective ways we can get our children to listen to us. One of the interesting theories she proposed was that part of the problem so many of us are finding it so challenging these days to parent our kids is that the way we were raised, primarily under an authoritarian model, no longer works. Being incredibly permissive does not work either, and vacilating between the two styles is just too confusing and ineffective. Her suggestion was to adopt a more democratic style of parenting, where the children are given limited choices appropriate with their ages, and that this way they feel empowered and respected while being guided in the right direction.There are obviously many books out there about parenting and articles that we can all easily access, but the beauty of this class setting was that when people started to ask questions and share their stories, we all started to nod and laugh in a way that made us all connect, even if just for that one hour. In that room full of parents that want to improve their skills, we all understood each others pain and frustration. I have no doubt that everyone in that room who voluntarily made time to attend this lecture loves their kids, and yet our greatest sources of joy are also are biggest challenges. Knowing that there are so many others going through the same thing, and hearing people's success stories of how they were able to surpass certain hurdles, can provide great comfort and hope.Parent Encouragement Programs in Montgomery County are quite affordable and incredibly useful to parents of children in all age brackets. I am sure there are similar programs in other areas, and I truly encourage parents to seek these out if they find themselves in need of a little guidance-- not to mention some good laughs!

I have to admit, I still have my wedding dress. Six years post-divorce, and I have somehow not managed to get rid of this thing! The dress is now so old that the charity Brides Against Cancer will not take it-- they only re-sell dresses that are from 2005 or later. Donating a dress made of Italian lace with silk that cost over $1000 requires some careful consideration, and although I thought about holding on to it for my family's sake, what are the chances that anyone will want to wear a dress from a wedding that ended in a divorce?So today I was reading about a book that is coming out soon-- 101 Things To Do With My Ex-Wife's Wedding Dress. This guy has a blog, and it has some pretty hilarious pictures of what he did with the dress after his wife moved out! Let's just say, the dress is no longer in any condition to be donated anywhere-- except maybe as filling for a punching bag. What struck me was his ability to find humor in what must have once been a very painful situation. It is really a healthy sign when we can laugh at some of the crap that hits us in life, and his ability to laugh and find love again is truly inspiring.Thanks to this random find today I learned of a new charity that takes wedding dresses and has them re-sown into burial dresses for children that are still born or die in the NICU. Families going through this grieving process can barely deal with basic decisions, let alone find time and funds to purchase proper dresses for their little ones funerals. I finding it to be quite a worthy cause, and also amazingly proper that the dress should be buried. Divorce is like a death in one's life, and finally I found a way to properly commemorate this tragic loss while helping another family. For those interested, the charity's site is www.MaryMadelineproject.com

For some time now I have been polling people as to what they think makes someone a good spouse, and there are definitely some traits we all seem to look for in a partner. What struck me about these common characteristics that we are seeking in our mates is that very few of them are innate. In fact, most of these skills need to be taught to us by our family or friends in our early, formative years. Here are some examples of what we most want to find in our significant others:1. Someone who is considerate. 2. Someone who can listen well. 3. Someone who can effectively communicate.4. Someone who can compromise. 5. Someone who is able to show his/her affection.6. Someone who is responsible and trustworthy.7. Someone with an upbeat personality.8. Someone you like spending time with.9. Someone who wants to create a stable home environment.As adults, we will face many challenges in life. Having a rock that can keep us grounded when everything else seems out of control is a key survival tool. As parents, we need to ensure that we teach our children the skills to form solid relationships, because the fact is that we will not always be there for them, and they need to be able to bond with others. They need to be taught to trust and to attach not just to immediate family members.The adults I have encountered that have the skills set forth above all had wise, loving parents that provided them with roots to come home, but also the wings to fly. While it can certainly occur that we can learn from our parents mistakes, and we can chose to be the opposite, it is far easier when parents model good behavior for their children. The task may not be easy, and we may have to take some courses and read up on developing these skills ourselves, but I can only imagine that the payoff in seeing your children blossom into well-adjusted adults has to be a parent's proudest accomplishment.

The hardest cases I have ever had all involve clients that share a common view-- they feel their life is over. They tend to believe that the divorce makes a mockery out of their entire married life; they see no glimmer of hope in the future; they regret ever walking down the aisle and saying their vows. In other words, it is nothing but gloom, and their negative attitude taints their ability to properly assess settlement offers and make sound, practical decisions. In the world of psychology, they attribute this to "situational depression." I can only hope to get them out of the legal situation as quickly as possible so they can get to a better place, but if I could interject a non-legal opinion to those that find themselves in this kind of rut, it would be this: try to view life in chapters.I loved being a gymnast and competing across the country. It was an amazing experience to spend summers in Bulgaria or at the Olympic Training Center; I met some of the most talented and dedicated athletes in the world, and when I retired from that world at 18, I was sad-- I lost a huge part of my identity. But I made a choice to focus on academics, and so I closed that chapter of my life as an athlete and moved on to the next task at hand, which was focusing on getting my law degree.My academic years were filled with incredible opportunties to meet some of the most brilliant minds in the U.S. I studied abroad and had wonderful internship opportunties that helped prepare me for life post-graduation. I admit, I miss my Ivory Towers, where I could lose myself in noble and lofty visions of an ideal world; where I also took for granted that everyday was filled with possiblities for meeting others that were equally gifted and driven. But that chapter also had to end, so that I could step out into the real working world, where I would apply the knowledge provided by my alma maters to hopefully make things better for others.Married life was certainly not something I saw ending, especially after being together for over a decade. But our partnership did end, and we had to work very hard to renegotiate our ties as co-parents for our son's sake. Together we have shared some of the greatest joys and [...]

When I primarily litigated, I often wondered what made a marriage fall apart. Now when I am mediating or doing a Collaborative divorce, I rarely have any remaining doubt. With both parties in the room, able to speak freely without fear that what is said can be used against them in court, I often witness the dysfunctional dynamic that led them to by office: both have important points to make, but 99% of the time, their delivery of that message sucks.Dr. Gottman has repeatedly warned about the "Four Horsemen" that routinely appear during arguments: (1) criticism; (2) contempt; (3) defensiveness; or (4) stonewalling. As soon as any of these start to creep up in a meeting, it is my job to try and stop it. Unlike Gottman, I am not trying to repair a marriage; I am simply trying to help people address their legal issues so they can go their separate ways, but I constantly find myself having to remind people that negativity does not help, just as focusing on the past is irrelevant when the task at hand requires us to figure out how we are going to move forward.The beauty of mediation or Collaborative cases is that in our sessions, we are able to point out to people better ways of communicating by enforcing certain rules of engagement, including the need to stick to "I" statements, such as "I feel like my input does not count when you do..." We ask people to avoid name-calling, which simply makes the other person tune-out or become defensive. If we see people getting too emotional or shutting down, we take breaks to make sure that the person can engage in meaningful settlement discussions while feeling calm and secure.This is all so much easier said than done, but with practice, I do believe it is possible to rein in our emotions so that we can communicate more effectively. For those of us that did not grow up in a household that modeled good communication or conflict resolution skills, this will take a lot of practice-- it is not something instinctive, it might even be counter-intuitive to how we are wired, but it is not impossible to learn, and the sooner the better. We all want to be heard, and with that goal in mind, it is key to remember that sometimes, it really is all in the delivery.

Throughout life, I have been repeatedly disappointed whenever close relationships have faded away because someone moved or there was a change in life circumstances, such as a new job, new boyfriend, or new baby. I have also routinely been disheartened when people have not done the right thing, or they seem incapable of looking at a situation from another person's perspective. Yet, the fact is that most people have a hard time juggling multiple relationships, and the "out of sight, out of mind" syndrome seems to be quite prevalent in our society. Having the capacity to view a problem from various angles and to value different perspectives is not a common trait. Over time, these qualities have proven to be a blessing, and also a curse for me.This year, when I found my father and extended family, I had no expectations as to how anyone would react. Precisely because I did not have any expectations in what would transpire, I could only be pleasantly surprised if even one person showed an ounce of kindness. The glorious homecoming was not only made possible because the people I found were so warm and friendly, but also because the bar was set so low in my own mind as to how they would react. This amazingly rare set of circumstances is what enabled the "Gang of Eight" to become part of a very rare group of people that have ever managed to exceed my expectations.With any relationship, it is normal as time wears on, to have expectations build. And this is why, it is also quite normal that we will eventually disappoint one another. It is impossible to always say or do exactly what another one wants us to say or do. We all have our bad days or our narcisstic moments, and that is why when times get tough it is the best test to whether a relationship is solid or not. We can all get along when we are on our best behavior, but what about when we are not? Times of conflict are not just the best times for us to test the strength of a bond, but also a time for us to look inward and maybe reassess the expectations we have for our work colleagues, family and friends. Often, the problem is not just one-sided, and the best solution may be for us to readjust our thinking and [...]