Regina’s Blog

Today, I had a meeting in Baltimore, and managed to arrange time for coffee with a client that lives out there rather than have him commute into DC. Tomorrow, I am teaching a divorce workshop at Universities of Shady Grove, and afterwards will meet another client for coffee near his house instead of having him travel to meet me. I actually do this quite often, as a minor accomodation for my clients. Also, if people just want to do retainers for limited scope representation, such as flat-fees for drafting certain documents or reduced retainers for advice and consultation without any commitment to appear in court, I am willing to work with people and their budgets, and I hope that I am not alone. People need help, and these days we all need to think about how we can go the extra mile to assist those around us. Unfortunately, unless you are that 1% of the population with plenty of money to spare, the ability to just pursue a basic life is becoming increasingly difficult. The numbers just don't make it possible-- if the average college grad is leaving with $25,000 of student debt, then the average wedding costs $20,000, and the average cost for raising one child through age 18 is about $150,000-- that is almost $200,000 that a young adult has to fork over just for the privilege of a college degree, getting married and having a child-- not including the expenses for housing, food, transportation, clothing, and quite modest entertainment. If the average household income is $50,000-- how can people afford all these things? Sadly, those pursuing graduate degrees are not faring much better because although they may stand a better chance of higher salaries, they also tend to graduate with far greater debt-- most law schools do not provide scholarships, so many are taking out $100,000 in loans to cover those extra three years of school. Medical students tend to leave with a whopping $200,000 of debt. These are major sums of money that can take up to 20 years to pay off. Essentially, most of us are walking into decades of indentured servitude for the privilege of these higher degrees. So why do it? Certainly not for the money. Anyone going into these professions these days has to be motivated by the sheer love for medicine or the law, and the desire to help others by [...]

Modern technology has helped us stay connected, reduce communication costs, and decreased wait times for responses. In many ways, these are incredible advances that have helped businesses, allowed more women to stay in the workforce while working from home, and facilitated the continuation of many long distance relationships. With all this gain, however, there is some loss, and increasingly what I see is a decreased amount of patience. Everyone seems to have developed an expectation for instant gratification with immediate responses. Unfortunately, life does not always work that way.In boarding school, there were 16 girls in Junior House, and we all had to share one pay phone. There was no internet-- no cell phones-- no other way to communicate with the outside world except by taking turns and sharing that one phone or sitting down and writing a letter. For 10 years, the only form of communication I had with my penpal from Spain was letters-- until finally technology crept into our relationship, and now we can use Facebook, Skype and email, which is all great, but I have to admit I miss those letters.It took years to earn my degrees and build my legal career, and as everyone knows it took me 38 years to connect with my dad, and my brother had to wait 27 years to have me in his life. Only now is my son finally appreciating all the work that went into helping him become the person he is today. None of these endeavors were achieved instantly, and that is part of what makes them so special. Yet in this modern era, I definitely worry about our ability to instill this appreciation for delayed gratification in our children. At least when it comes to teaching adults in either your professional or personal life are concerned, you only need to remember one word: boundaries. While patience may be a dying virtue, it is completely within your control to set a pace that works for you in each relationship. Those into instant gratification tend to have high expectations that are impossible to meet and will only drive you crazy. Avoid the insanity-- the earlier the better.

From as far back as I can remember, the pressure was always there to get good grades, get into good schools, build a good resume, then get a good job. Many seem to think this is the perfect formula to a happy life. Well, let me say flat out-- it is not. The pressure to perform doesn't end, it just keeps building. The more money, the more stress-- and as I have repeatedly mentioned, lots of people lack good coping mechanisms for all this stress, which is how they wind up needing my assistance with a divorce.In the end, few of us will be remembered for what we did at work. Bankers, lawyers, doctors, are all a dime a dozen and firms will always believe that anyone can be replaced. Yet, what people will remember most are the acts of kindness and relationships we formed while we here. Just this week I realized that the most gratifying moments were being able to come through for my step-brother and son. Making time to help them both and spend quality time were the most satisfying moments of this week-- not the huge court win (although that was a nice bonus).An old friend from high school was shocked to learn about my "Jerry Maguire" moment at work this summer. He never saw that coming from me, and indeed either did I. I confess I was once sucked into the rat race, but truly what is the point? You can't take it all with you. I am more concerned with enjoying a work-life balance while I remain here, helping others attain that, and making sure that what I leave behind is a clear message that happiness is something we can all attain by finding the courage to love.

Last week, I went to a seminar for women in business, and suprisingly a great deal of time was spent talking about happiness and fulfillment. Various lecturers emphasized the need for balance in life and the importance of being self aware. Among the best recommendations I heard was the need for a periodic internal audit. To find joy in our work, most of us need to believe it is meaningful and that we are connecting with others. To feel engaged and energized, we have to get both emotional and intellectual stimulation. If we are missing these things at work, we need to come up with new strategies to obtain these key elements in order to truly succeed. This all seems so simple, but when my clients are encountering multiple challenges at once it is hard for them to focus and find clarity. When people are hit with a mid-life or existential crisis, they may need help figuring out the path they should take to get to a better place. Increasingly, people are relying on life or career coaches to help them identify the problem areas in life and find a happier path. These professionals actually graph out areas of life that a person may want or need to address in order to get to a happier point in their lives. I finally saw one of these pie charts the other day and laughed at its simplicity-- not that addressing these areas is easy at all, just that it is strange to see life broken out into about 8 basic categories that can define our entire existence. Here is a sample list:1. career2. home3. health4. finances5. relationships6. fun7. community service8. personal development After an individual has ranked the list in terms of what is most important to him/her, the goal is to delve into a deep analysis to see what is working or not in each category. While I don't think we all need help performing this, I do believe it is a worth while exercise for everyone to do on a periodic basis, just to make sure we are not neglecting any major categories, and so we can develop plans for improvement as needed before some catastrophic event occurs that sends us into crisis-management mode. Looking at these major areas of life that we all have to balance, one thing definitely became crystal clear-- it will never all be 100% [...]

As a little girl, I did not understand why they would encourage us to "turn the other cheek" when someone did something hurtful, and I hated the saying that if we all believed in "an eye for an eye, then we would all be blind." Growing up in NYC during the 70's and 80's, if you could not stand up for yourself, you were in big trouble. What I lacked in size, I made up for with a sharp tongue. But as time wore on, I came to see the flaws in this approach.I have probably now seen over 1,000 bad break-ups as a divorce lawyer, and as a result I have witnessed many people at some of the lowest points in their lives. When they are angry, afraid or insecure they tend to lash out at the other party. It really does take a strong person to walk away from the bait and instead take the high road. The alterative, however, is to get sucked into a vicious cycle that isn't productive for anyone.Moving on is never easy, and turning the other cheek does take a strong character. Yet every day I see people tapping into their inner strength to avoid being consumed by ugly and unnecessary battles. Some need a little help to make this tough choice, and that is completely normal-- we all need a guide at some point in our lives to help us navigate difficult paths. I've had many wonderful guides in my own life, and I am a firm believer in paying it forward.

For years I have tried to warn my clients that the courts can make mistakes, and that sometimes those errors can have dire consequences that last for generations. Little did I realize that I would become the best living proof of that statement, until this year. In 1978, a Florida court found insufficient evidence to support a finding of paternity. As a result, I grew up without a father, uncle, cousins or any siblings. My son, who was born decades later, would still have been impacted by this erroneous court order-- except for one thing, I refused to let that happen.In 2011, using all the mediation and collaborative skills that I have acquired over the last several years, I went in search of some answers. Seeking to simply understand what happened back in 1978, without passing any judgment and having zero expectations of what may transpire, I made contact with my alleged father. We eventually took a DNA test, which confirmed that the court's decision was in fact wrong. This weekend, Bethesda Magazine released a story "Finding Family," which summarizes my journey over the past year to piece together a family that has been torn apart for decades by nasty litigation. It is not a coincidence that as this story was unfolding I decided to resign from a firm that focused on litigation to instead open my own firm that seeks to promote a kinder, more humane way to renegotiating family ties. While I enjoy lecturing and writing about Collaborative Divorce, I realize it is not an option that many will use in their own divorces. It takes a very mature couple that values the preservation of goodwill and confidentiality to opt for this process. It is not for couples with major trust issues or high-conflict situations. But plenty of people are opting for Collaborative-style or "cooperative" divorces that seek to keep things civil and outside of our courts, and that is really my hope for most. The courts should only be a couple's last resort, and all you have to do is remember my story to understand why.

It would be nice to think that bad things only happen to bad people, but if bad things never happened to good people I suppose most lawyers would be out of a job. Professor Hall wrote a beautiful essay about how the law was created as a safety net to ensure some base level of civility when all other social norms failed. Unfortunately, this purpose in the law has gotten lost with all the games that some people like to play, where the law is actually used as a weapon. To right this wrong, maybe we should start asking lawyers to take a hippocratic oath, like doctors, to do no harm?Some of us became lawyers because we wanted to help people; others simply wanted the prestige and prospect of a lucrative salary. I suppose no amount of required Continuing Legal Education courses or minimum pro bono hours will ever help the latter type of attorney convert to a kinder, gentler soul. Thankfully, the true power lies with the clients, who can choose to seek out those attorneys with a proven track record-- those dedicated to taking on-going trainings and giving back to their communities. We may not always see immediate rewards for our good work in life, but I am a firm believer that you reap what you sow. We will all have our share of heartbreak, disappointments and setbacks, but it is how we choose to handle these situations that defines our character and makes us who we are as individuals. In relationships, these challenges will create those make-it or break-it moments. For those that stay stuck in anger and want revenge, there are attorneys that will feed off these emotions and go for scorched earth litigation. These types of cases destroy families for generations and give the rest of us divorce lawyers a really bad (undeserved) reputation. In the end, I realize I cannot stop bad things from happening to good people, and I can only hope to end their pain as quickly and gently as possible. For those that choose to practice a different way, all I can say is that another firm belief I have is that if bad things happen to good people, REALLY REALLY bad things happen to bad people.