Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
Finding Inspiration From Our Elders
So often I find that people focus on success stories and accomplishments, and I truly don't mean to be dismissive of those things, but I do believe it is equally worthwhile seeing how someone handles loss, disappointment and/or setbacks in their lives. How we recover from devastating blows speaks volumes about us, and in many ways can define our lives. Some people implode, while others find the courage to persevere, and I truly believe that at these critical moments we need to find inspiration from our elders.Both my parents were immigrants, and their lives have not been easy. In my conversations this past year with my father, I have discovered an amazing inner strength within him that has truly inspired me. As I have been making the rounds at the local holiday parties around town, everyone can see me glow as I talk about the insight I have gained from reconnecting with my dad. There is a tremendous sense of loss as a result of all the years spent apart as a result of an erroneous court order, but as best we can, we are trying to make up for lost time, and at least I found him before it was too late.This holiday season, as so many head home to be with relatives, I encourage the younger generations to try to talk about their family's past-- how people fell in love, their various interests, passions and any struggles that others experienced. These stories actually can provide us with great insight and inspiration in our own lives, and it may just be the best gift that our elders can give us without even having to drain any financial resources.
Holidays and Gifts for Loved Ones
On the news today, I read that the average American household has about $15,000 of credit card debt. To add to that over the holidays just does not make sense. Obviously children expect gifts under the tree, so I am not advocating that we cut out presents for children, but we can certainly start to set appropriate expectations for them and our other loved ones, with just a few gifts and emphasizing other ways that we can express our love and gratitude for one another. According to Dr. Chapman, author of "5 Love Languages," there are 4 other ways besides gifts that we can use to express love: (1) Quality Time; (2) Touch; (3) Words of Affirmation; and (4) Acts of Kindness. What is best about all these other ways of expressing love-- no one can take them away from you. Unlike gifts, which can get lost or are easily forgotten over time, the other methods for expressing affection can last a lifetime. As parents, I think the sooner we can start teaching our kids about holidays being more about spending time with family, and less about the gifts, the better we prepare them for healthy adult lives. Let's face it, rarely will anyone be better able pick something out for you than your own self. Everyone has their own taste, style, and preferences, and as a result gift-giving occassions are always full of stress and often disappointment. Therefore, the sooner our children can learn that it really is not about the gift but the thought that counts, the less stressed out they will be during special occassions and the more apt to just enjoy themselves. By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
Talking About Taboo Subjects
Traditionally, we have been taught not to talk about politics, religion or sex when we first meet someone-- but if you are dating, those are probably the three areas you care about most. Don't you want to know someone's core beliefs sooner rather than later? I really don't care very much where someone went to school or grew up-- although I know that is the polite place to start. Really, how refreshing would it be to be able to just say- I'm a moderate in politics; go to church; and I've had my fun in the dating world, but now I want to meet someone that I can introduce to my family? Dating is an exercise in trading information. We can all carry on polite conversation-- but how many people do you actually like hanging out with? If you are a college grad, you won't even relate to 75% of the U.S. population, so let's face it, finding someone of the opposite sex, who is available and that you can connect with (beyond just appearances) after age 21 is not easily done. When clocks start ticking and you are feeling like windows of opportunities are closing, I think it's time to just be honest and not waste time-- get to the hard stuff sooner rather than later. Just remember, no one is perfect; we all have baggage-- you just need to find someone whose baggage is compatible with yours.
Setting Your Own Timeline
I went to an intense high school full of bright young students eager to be the future leaders of America. The timeline was pretty much set for us at age 14-- and it did not matter what type of family you came from, the point is once you actually got into Andover, expectations were set pretty high although some were far less stressed about meeting these goals than others, and I'm pretty sure that had a lot to do with the family dynamics going on in the background.For twenty-five years, I ran on that treadmill hoping to meet everyone's expecations-- wanting to please everyone and not let anyone down. I graduated from top schools and worked at top firms, accumulating all sorts of awards and honors along the way. I also got married and produced an heir, and to everyone around it would seem I was hitting all the right points at all the right times dictated by social standards. Yet, my story this year highlights my greatest lesson of all-- who cares about timelines and how others define success?My greatest joy in life has nothing to do with my accomplishments as an athlete, in academics or as a professional. Becoming a mother and finding my family have filled an incredible void, and none of them care in the least about all the things the rest of the world seems to focus on so much. Funny thing about life is that so much of what we do is structured around timelines, and yet the one thing we all seek most in life-- LOVE-- follows no such rules and structure. It finds you when it is meant to happen, and this year, even though it was not according to my desired timeframe, I am just so glad it found me.
Learning to Laugh At Yourself
It is Dec. 3rd, and all my holiday cards have arrived safely to their intended destinations. This week, I shipped all the presents that needed to arrive for my family in Florida in time for Christmas. Everyone laughed at me for being so efficient, and I have to admit it is funny. The stress of crowded stores, post offices, possible delays, etc. is all too much for me to bear, which is why I plan ahead and get things done early most of the time. It is a skill that has come in quite handy in my professional life, but in my personal life I have had to learn to tone it down, and the payoff has been incredible.If you plan everything out, then there isn't much room for spontaniety. It is also hard to adapt when plans change at the last minute, and yet that is exactly how real life generally tends to work. Both my father and brother flew to DC this year to meet me at the last minute leaving me without much of chance to plan anything, and their laid back attitudes and fluid concept of time have left me baffled-- how is it possible that we look exactly alike and yet we can have such opposite attitudes towards something so fundamental? They find me hilarious, and my son is so relieved to have found allies in his way of thinking. It's taken all 3 generations to come together to prove to me it is okay to not always have a plan, and when things are not going as originally envisioned, the best thing to do may just be to let go and laugh.So this week, the non-planner in me was greatly rewarded. A friend I had not seen in years came into town, and because I had not meticulously planned out my week, I was actually able to get together with her and have an amazing time. Three other people were also able to get on my calendar without having to wait for weeks because I no longer try to jam-pack a million things in at once. Finally, tonight I was able to make time to go see a friend's concert because I had not committed to anything, and the best affirmation that this new attitude is paying off came from my own son, who said he digs the more laid-back version of me. I [...]
Volunteering- It’s an excellent form of therapy
Today, I volunteered to help at my son's school. I'll be honest-- it wasn't just about helping out the teacher, it was a great way for me to feel useful and connected to my community. I felt exactly the same yesterday after I volunteered to speak at Georgetown University about family law litigation and alternate dispute methods for families that want to preserve goodwill and funds by focusing on settlements outside of court. Volunteering for over 20 years has been part of my passion, and I think it is perfectly fine to admit that it is not just about doing a good deed, it is healthy and normal to enjoy the rewarding feeling that fills you while you are helping others. Especially in this economy, where we may not be able to be as generous with funds, we can certainly make an effort to find some time to donate to a good cause. For parents with young children, I think it is important to foster in them a sense of responsibility to the community at an early age. If they cannot volunteer yet, but they at least see you do it, you are planting a seed by modeling the behavior for them. Up until now, I have not involved my son much in community service efforts because he is only 8, but he at least knows that I am doing these activities and that soon enough, we will be looking at things to do together in this vein. My clients who are feeling down about their personal situations have all told me that one afternoon of volunteering at a shelter did wonders for helping them put things in perspective. Many friends looking for Mr. Right have told me that they have met wonderful people with common interests while doing a good deed. There are great resources for finding ways to volunteer in your local community. My alma maters regularly send emails with projects for alums, and Bethesda Magazine recenty did an article on charitable activities. There are also various websites, including Idealist.org that post opportunities regularly. Especially during this holiday season, if you cannot donate money I urge you to consider giving some of your time for a good cause-- not only will you be helping others, you will be helping yourself. I promise, it will lift your spirits! By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
Collaborative Law in the GLBT World
Today I had the privilege of lecturing to Georgetown Law students about alternate dispute resolution methods, including the Collaborative Process. Afterwards, a student approached me and asked whether this has been marketed in the GLTB (gay, lesbian, bi-sexual or transgender) community. I honestly do not believe it has been promoted within that community, but of all people that might benefit from this confidential process that seeks a fair resolution outside of the court system, I would imagine the members of the GLBT would be my ideal candidates-- especially as my office is in Dupont Circle. I am not sure how one can spread the word about this process to the GLBT community, but I imagine blogging about it and spreading the word through social media would be a great first step. So, I encourage anyone who has a friend, family member or acquaitance in that community to share this idea with them. Unlike marriage, which has to be recognized by a state according to laws that not all of us may agree with, the Collaborative Process is open to anyone that wishes to settle a dispute outside of court looking at fairness standards that go beyond what the law may recognize or require.Good ideas can arise from the most amazing places, and I truly appreciate the fact that this student spoke up in class today. Learning institutions that promote an open discussion and exploration of new ideas are truly special, and all the students in today's class were a great inspiration for me. I only hope that I was also one for them as I shared with them my explanation of the paradigm shift from litigator to mediator/collaborator using my own personal story as the best example for how that can happen. GU you made my day!
Tips for Parents With Special Needs Children
Over the past decade, I have increasingly worked with families that have special needs children. These are truly difficult cases because a child's special issues have to be taken into account when creating a time-sharing schedule, and the extra-ordinary expenses can be astronomical and have to be addressed carefully in an agreement. Beyond the legal logistics, there are such complicated emotions involved for these parents. Often one parent has taken on the primary responsibility for dealing with doctors, therapists, school officials, and the process of obtaining an Independant Education Plan ("IEP"). That parent tends to feel overwhelmed and abandoned by the other parent, who for a variety of reasons may not have been available to participate fully in the challenges of obtaining all the right services for a special needs child. Sadly, there is over an 80% chance that parents with special needs children will get divorced. If some of the child's issues are genetic, you may be dealing with a parent in denial or grappling with tremendous guilt. Not everyone knows how to deal with the complexities of a divorce involving special needs children, so carefully selecting an attorney is critical for these families. Hopefully, they will pick someone who has the child's best interest at heart and will guide the family through a dispute resolution process that preserves as much of the family's wealth and resources as possible. I have learned so much over the years from these families-- many have incredibly gifted children, who have learning difficulties that just require special accomodations. There are plenty of great resources in the DC Area, including the Lab School. Many books have been written on this growing issue, and one of my favorites was one written by Sally Smith, who founded the Lab School of Washington. A great magazine that I found helpful is Attitude, and in this Winter's issue there was a fantastic article written by Frank South called "Parachutes for Parents." He encourages parents with children that have ADHD to try and remain calm, be patient about chores, let them experiment and goof off a bit. He confirms that these children have impulse control issues, are easily frustrated, and resent being controlled. These kids are not easy to parent, but he emphasizes the need to listen to them and show them unconditional love each and every day. Last year, I had the honor of attending the Lab School's [...]
Together Forever?
Growing up, all my friends came from intact families. I had every expectation that when I got married, it would be forever. Even when I began practicing family law and saw people's relationships fall apart on a daily basis, I still never dreamed it would happen to me. No one I have ever met has ever said they thought it might not work out, but they gave marriage a shot anyway. Understanding that the expectation was that something would last forever, is exactly what helps explain why is it such a devastating blow to someone when things don't work out.Whether you are the one leaving or the one left behind, there is always pain, regret and sorrow. People cope with feelings differently, however, and some lack the skills to work through their emotions effectively. Some will misuse/abuse the legal system to get their pound of flesh, and the consequences of all the games can be devastating beyond belief. I guess I should be grateful that I got to see this first hand for so many years before my own divorce, because that is exactly how I realized that is not what I wanted for my own family, and it is not what I want for any of my clients.The other day, after reading Mr. & Mrs. Twit by Roald Dahl to my son, he asked me "why would anyone stayed married if they hate each other so much?" Excellent question- I ask myself that every day. I suppose for some there is a major economic dilemma with respect to creating two separate households and dividing assets; for others it may be the fear of the unknown or being alone that keeps them in an unhappy situation. At least Mr. & Mrs. Twit did not have any children that had to witness their dysfunctional relationship, but for those with young children, I do wonder what message they are getting seeing their parents under one roof, sticking to their vows, but miserable. While I regret that my son does not get to see both his parents living happily together, I have to admit I was relieved to learn that he understands it is okay if together forever does not work out.
Talking to Kids About Divorce
If a couple decides to divorce, probably the hardest thing they will have to face is telling the kids. Many studies have shown that how this message is delivered is actually a significant factor in how well the children will cope with the news. Ideally, the parents should strive to present a joint statement and reassure the kids that 1) this is not their fault; 2) they will still have both parents involved in their lives on a regular and frequent basis; and 3) that the goal is to minimize the disruption to their lives. The worst situation is when one parent has already moved out and the other is left to deliver the news of the separation without any knowledge of the time-sharing schedule the family will be implementing. Children crave continuity and stability. Home is supposed to provide a sanctuary from all the outside chaos, so the sooner parents can help reassure their children that everything will be okay, the sooner they can return to worrying about kid issues, and the parents can work out the restructuring of family ties. Telling kids the details of the divorce negotiations, financial arrangements, or pending litigation issues are not appropriate-- parents need to find other outlets for venting when necessary. Most parents will try to avoid any discussions about a divorce for the next few weeks, and I do encourage that so that a child's holiday memories are not associated with his/her parents' separation. But usually right after the holidays, there is a spike in divorce activity, so for those contemplating that option, I would encourage finding some books that provide advice for talking to children about divorce. For those with little children, you may escape the need for any explanations when they are young, but as they get older, the questions will come up- so just be prepared. By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.