Regina’s Blog

It is hard to believe how much can transpire in just one year. This same time last year, while putting away my holiday decorations, I came across my uncle's business card, which he had given to me 20 years ago when we first met. Who could have ever guessed that after all these years I'd saved that card, that his restaurant would still be open, and that he would still be working there? Last year when I reached out to my uncle, I was essentially an orphan. I had no idea if my father was even alive or if any of his relatives would be open to meeting with me. The fact that everything worked out the way it did, and that we could all spend our first family Christmas together is nothing short of a miracle in my eyes, and I am so glad my uncle lived to see his amazing act of kindness come to fruition.Obviously I cannot predict what will happen in the case of others that might decide to go in search of their biological parents or reach out to some estranged family members, and I am certainly not trying to provide false hope by sharing my story. The point I want to make, at least for today, is that a lot can change in just one year. By going out on a limb, and letting others into our lives, fate may just surprise us with a story that actually has a happy ending. In my case, after all this time, for however brief a moment it might be, I actually got to become daddy's little girl.

The February 2012 issue of Psychology Today has the best cover-- with a bride holding hands with a chimpanzee. The feature article by Rebecca Webber is entitled "Are You With the Right Mate?" She does a great job of explaining that it is quite natural at some point in every marriage to question whether you made the right choice. Sooner or later the honeymoon period will end, and that cocaine-like high stemming from infatuation will fade-- that is when reality sinks in. When that moment hits, having realistic expectations is truly key. As Ms. Webber explains in her article, it is not possible for one person to have all their needs met by simply one relationship. While it is essential to share core values, it is actually quite healthy to have some different interests. Respecting each other's need for personal space and time with others is an important skill to making marriages last. Happily ever after does not mean you have to be together 24/7, in fact I see that as a recipe for disaster.The best quote in the article (in my opinion) is the following: "Marriage is not about finding the right person. It's about becoming the right person." Learning to communicate, express disappointment appropriately, resolve conflict and adjust our own expectations is a work in progress, and it is HARD. The payoff, however, is amazing-- to have a solid partnership with someone that you love, trust and respect is the best reward married life can bring you.

In March, I will be giving a presentation on forgiveness. For those that have followed my story over the past year, it might seem like I am an incredibly forgiving person, but I certainly would not describe myself that way. I have always believed, however, in trying to live without carrying any regrets.In a competitive environment, it is simply natural that colleagues will not always rally to give someone proper credit for their endeavors. Faced with economic challenges, companies will generally focus on bottom lines and ignore the human element in their decisions. Friends that may become too busy in their own lives may fade out of yours, or perhaps more high maintenance ones will resent you when you become less available for whatever reason. Even our own relatives that do not know how to properly express disappointment or frustration may act out in a way that might force you to cease all further contact. These are all unfortunately quite common occurences in life, and in order for us to move on without regret, we need to find a way to forgive-- it is really just a question of degree.I have learned throughout the years that I can quite easily forgive someone a minor transgression and continue with the relationship exactly in the same way. There are other transgressions, however, that will force a complete reconfiguration of the relationship, and each one of us has the right to make that decision for ourselves. Occassionally, there have been times when someone has won my forgiveness in a totally unexpected way-- like when my son runs into his room after he knows he has crossed the line, and 10 minutes later comes back out with a drawing that just makes me melt. This past year, it was the same with my father-- he did not win me over in one day, but rather with his words and deeds over the course of several months, he proved to me that I was far better off with him in my life, and that is how we got to where we are today.To forgive is not easy, but we do all make mistakes. Some cannot be undone and will never be forgotten, but holding grudges and staying angry does not make the situation any better. Choosing to forgive someone, at whatever level, is actually an incredibly empowering feeling. My divorce clients that realize this sooner [...]

Never in my life could I have anticipated all that transpired in 2011. For someone who takes great comfort in sticking to a plan, a year full of surprises was not easy, yet each step towards my family reunification this past year led to a greater level of understanding and awareness beyond my wildest dreams. After 39 years, I finally got to have my first dance with my father. Christmas Day, for the first time ever, I got to exchange gifts with my beloved brother and enjoy a wonderful meal surrounded by relatives that share some of my same features, characteristics and quirks. Something that so many of my friends have taken for granted all these years-- the gift of a family bond, has finally become my own reality. This past year I learned an incredibly important lesson: life is unpredicable, and sometimes you have to let go of the outcome and just enjoy the journey. Meanwhile, my son got to observe first-hand that the best gift does not come in some package under a tree. We now have a family to share life with, and that unconditional love could not be purchased with any sum of money. My message going forward into the new year is that we should never lose hope-- dreams do come true. Things may not happen according to our time-frame, but if I could reunite my family after all these years, anything is possible as long as we are willing to make some tough choices and face some of our greatest fears.

Over the last decade, we have made tremendous strides in communication, and technology has helped make information readily available to many. Now a lot of employers will allow for telecommuting and flexible schedules, as long as people remain accessible via cellphones or the internet. An amazing new set of options now exist that did not just 10 years ago, and yet with all these gains I am painfully aware of the losses to our privacy, personal boundaries and above all to the corrosion of the legal profession.For some reason, people seem to understand that you have to pay for most services-- whether it is your hairdresser, doctor or even your mechanic. Some public services are covered through your taxes, such as public schools, the fire department, police, etc. And yet inexplicably when it comes to legal services, so many people seem outraged by the lack of free consults or payment plans. Personally, I don't know of anyone else that does work for free or delivers a product first without any assurance of payment. Perhaps it is the hourly rates that seem to not sit well with people, but the fact is that 1/3 goes to taxes, 1/3 goes to overhead, so the actual amount received by the lawyer rendering a service is the remaining 1/3. A lot of information and sample documents are now readily available on-line, so the overall client base across many fields of law has decreased. Furthermore, as a result of the recession, many litigants are attempting to navigate the legal system on their own. The remaining clients that want legal assistance now have souring expectations about an attorney's availability without any regard to the sanctity of family time, or our need to simply decompress. Unfortunately, the increased competition within the profession has resulted in a rapidly evaporating sense of loyalty within firms. It used to be that an associate would put in 6-8 years at a firm, and eventually s/he would make partner with the firm acting as a safety net ensuring a secure, promising future for that attorney. Now, there is little assurance of a partner track, and once you are partner, the pressure to make it rain for the firm never seems to end-- the second you do, you might well find your partners have turned their backs on you and left you out in the cold. For the last three years, after each [...]