Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
Why Are There So Many Pre-Valentine’s Day Break Ups?
With almost a week left before the big day, some will find themselves dreading this artificially created holiday, unable to make any plans, and feeling quite unmotivated to buy any gifts or cards. Feelings can only be ignored for so long, and unfortunately it is often at milestone moments like anniversaries, holidays or V-Day that we have to come to terms with how we truly feel in any given relationship. If you are not looking forward to sharing this day of love with someone, it is hard to ignore the question: why not? Love is built on trust, respect and intimacy. It is something we all have to keep working at through open communications. Like a garden that needs tending, you have to keep putting an effort into those relationships that matter, and when issues about trust, respect or intimacy come up-- do not ignore them. Many dilude themselves into thinking some issues will blow over or they are not as big as they seem. Letting time to pass is doing nothing to rectify problems, which ultimately cannot be ignored, particularly when special events come up. So, if you find yourself of the verge of a break-up around this time, know that you are in good company. Then be honest with yourself in terms of deciphering whether the issues in this relationship can be addressed and whether this is a relationship worth fixing. It is hard to separate things out, but as best you can, try to ask yourself whether you actually like being with that person or do you just like the idea of being in a relationship? If it is the latter, just remember there are plenty of other fish in the sea. Break ups are hard, but relationships are not meant to be a source of pain. Sometimes, we simply have to cut someone loose in order to get to a better place.
Valentine’s Tips for Women
V-Day is less than two weeks away, and while guys are busy making dinner reservations and arranging for flower deliveries that will cost them 3 times the normal rate, it is indeed a good girlfriend's duty to figure out what she can do for her significant other. Here are some suggestions: 1. tickets to a sporting event; 2. a framed picture of you together; 3. bake something special for him; 4. book an activity together; 5. get him an article of clothing or cufflinks; 6. make him a CD mix; 7. guys like toys-- electronic gadgets like an ipad, games, etc.; or 8. lingerie that you get to model and he gets to enjoy. Let's talk about option #8, because the rest are rather self-explanatory. Now some guys are very specific about what they like or don't like to see on women. If this is truly a gift for him, then it is not about what you like-- it is about fulfilling your partner's fantasy. Some may be a bit shy about telling you their preferences, and you may have to take them shopping with you or pull out a Victoria Secret's catalog, but making the effort is key. The importance of sex in a relationship cannot be overstated. It is about intimacy, connecting, and sharing something incredibly private. When this starts to fade, you cannot ignore this problem. As a divorce attorney, I have heard hundreds of guys complain that the sex fizzled and soon after their marriages fell apart. So ladies, you can either let them start to fantasize about someone else, or you can be their fantasy chick. If that is what it takes to keep your guy, I think the choice is actually quite simple. For those in the DC/Bethesda area, I highly recommend Sylene's in Chevy Chase. Maybe we will run into each other in the next few days... On that note, go have some fun shopping!!!
Valentine’s Tips for Guys
Guys, Valentine's Day is coming up and I get most of you are dreading it. What is meant to be a fun holiday, for some, is filled with pressure to make this a super special day. I'm all for minimizing stress, so here are some basic tips: (1) unless you are planning to cook, make a dinner reservation now, don't wait until the last minute if you plan to get into any decent restaurants on V-Day; (2) get a card and either a box of chocolates or flowers- no need for both, but you have to show some basic knowledge and respect for certain traditions; and (3) dress nicely for the big day- no need to break out a tux, but shower, shave and put on a nice clean outfit before your date. I am not saying these are bullet proof tips, but hopefully it is enough to help you stay in your sweetheart's good graces. (And feel free to point out to them the blog I wrote with tips for women of V-day). Now, for those of you dating high-maintenance women, let me just be clear that these types tend to fall into 2 categories: (1) those of us that recognize we are high-maintenance and (2) those that are oblivious to the fact that they're high maintenance. If your girlfriend falls into the latter category, I honestly cannot publicly share my comments on that subject so I'm leaving on your own to deal with that situation. But, those of you with girlfriends that fall into the former category are actually in luck-- especially if you are just willing to ask for guidance. Those of us that know we are not easy to shop for will gladly help you out. The way I see it, being a good girlfriend means trying your best to make your partner's life easier, not more difficult. I am happy to clue people into what I like, or even better, I am happy to skip the gift-giving dilemma all together and just do something fun. An activity will never get lost or stolen, it cannot be returned, exchanged or re-gifted. If you are spending quality time, bonding and making fun memories with the one you love-- what could be better? So, just to recap, if you stick to my 3 basic suggestions above, you should be safe. If you are feeling lost, ask for some suggestions. If someone rips your head off [...]
The Rise of Dating Coaches and Matchmakers
Valentines' Day is right around the corner, and for some it will be a fun holiday to look forward to while others might decide to wear all black and cringe at the sight of all the flowers, chocolates, and ads for over-priced dinner specials that will be inevitable that day. If you find yourself in the latter category, you should at least take solice in the fact that you are not alone. That said, maybe it is time to look at changing some things so that V-Day may actually be a fun holiday to share with a significant other? Let's face it- technology has increased our dating options significantly, but it has also created a lot of challenges. Options can seem limitless for some, and competition is steep. Understanding how to navigate the various dating sites, create an appealing profile, respond to emails, texts, FB requests, etc. may be a bit daunting, especially for those just re-entering the dating scene after a long hiatus. Luckily, where there is a need, solutions always seem to appear- in this case they are professionals known as dating coaches and matchmakers. This weekend, I had the pleasure of meeting one of DC's top matchmakers, who clearly cares about helping her clients find that perfect match. For those that don't enjoy games, find dating to be a chore, have limited time and/or feel lost in the whole process, it is nice to know there are people with just the right skills to help make this phase a little more manageable. Dating should be fun, not scary. Some may simply need of a refresher course in the skills required to make dating more enjoyable, and the solution may just be a few clicks away with a quick Google search. By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
Finding that Rock
When I first got divorced a friend told me that I would soon find myself swimming in shark infested waters. I confidently responded, "lucky for me I'm a really good swimmer." We were both right-- I found lots of sharks over the last six years, and I proved to be a great swimmer. But sometimes people can get so caught up in the dating game, that I worry whether they will miss out on the right opportunity when it comes along because they are just so into the games. If you are having fun with the game, how do you know when it is time to quit? The consensus among those I have polled is that you know it's time to quit when you find the one that makes you want to stop playing the game. When you know the rules and choose to break them anyway; when you know how to play it safe and instead decide to go out on a limb; when you find that rock that grounds you, and the option to explore alternatives becomes totally unappealing. Hold on to those rocks- they are rare.
Finding the Right Balance When Sharing Information
In my professional life, I am not allowed to share my client's information with others. Maintaining attorney-client privilege is a cardinal rule. In my personal life, however, I am of the belief that sooner or later the truth will come out, and I would prefer to just say it up front so there are no surprises later on. But not everyone is this way, and most of my non-lawyer friends are quite comfortable talking about work, politics, current events-- anything but themselves. It makes sense when you are slowly developing a friendship, and you can build trust over time-- but what about in a dating situation? There seems to be a bit of a chicken and egg problem-- when do you really open up? Once you are in love? Well that seems silly, because how can you really fall in love until someone has truly opened up? Finding an appropriate balance with respect to sharing information is hard work, but if it feels like you are hiding a material fact, then I think it is clear that needs to be shared right away. Furthermore, you want to make sure the level at which you are both sharing information is somewhat equal-- if one person is sharing everything, and the other one is keeping the conversation at a light and fluffy level, this should be setting off some red or yellow flags for both parties. In the end, the rate at which a couple will share information depends entirely on the two personalities involved-- some move super fast, others go at a glacier's pace. Some say things move faster when you are older because you have a clearer sense of what you want and can't stand. That said, the more you have been burned, the more likely you might be to cautious going forward. There is no magic formula for any of this, you just need to find the right balance for your own situation and enjoy the ride! It is the journey, not the destination, that makes it all worthwhile.
The Gay Marriage Movement
On today's radio show, it was really cool to talk about the gay marriage movement. Until 2004, no states recognized same sex marriages. Now, 6 states permit gay marriages, including: Connecticut, Iowa, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, NY, and Vermont. My adopted hometown, DC also now recognizes this union between same sex couples, and it seems Maryland is soon on its way to joining us!The right to marry is such a fundamental right-- and it has major legal significance in someone's life. It impacts a person's ability to social security benefits, veteran benefits, Medicaid, hospital visits, family leave, retirement interests, estate claims, and even immigration status. To deny someone the right to marry someone of the same sex grossly prejudices that person's right to equal treatment under the law and due process. It certainly impairs that person's ability to pursue his/her happiness, and honestly it seems grossly unfair that in this day and age 41 states can continue to have statutes or constitutional amendments specifying that they won't recognize gay marriage--- even when over 50% of the U.S. population is in favor of permitting them this right.Just to be clear- no state is going to obligate a church or any clergy members to perform a marriage they don't agree with-- what the gay marriage movement is trying to accomplish is recognition of civil marriages. If there is enough support throughout the states, hopefully eventually we can get Congress to revisit the Defense of Marriage Act, which was enacted in 1996, and strictly defines marriage for federal purposes as a union between a man and a woman. 45 years ago, the Supreme Court finally recognized as a fundamental right the recognition of inter-racial marriages. We have certainly come a long way since then, and so I hold out hope that the gay right's movement will one day soon succeed in opening the hearts and minds of most Americans, who fundamentally agree in the right to live and let live.
Taking a Page from Celebrity Divorces
It never ceases to amaze me how quickly word can spread that a celebrity couple is splitting up-- I guess thanks to Twitter, Facebook, etc. news is traveling faster than ever these days. Sadly, these celebraties have barely had time to process the news themselves, and meanwhile they need to face the media and camera crews each and every day while they grapple with major personal disappointment and humiliating facts about their break ups. This is definitely a time when I believe there is a lot to be said for anonimity and being just your average Joe Smith that lives next door. But, unlike the everyday divorce clients that might revel in airing their dirty laundry and dragging out negotiations or litigation in court, I have to say celebrities know how to end things swiftly and keep things confidential. First, celebrities tend to marry with prenuptial agreements that clearly define what is marital versus non-marital property, and they tend to have alimony waivers or clear caps on length and duration. The only things you cannot cover in a prenup because of public policy concerns are child support and custody, but with more than ample resources to assist in dealing with these issues, most celebrities are able to work these issues out without court intervention. Just in case there are disputes, we have even started to include provisions that any issues in a divorce will be dealt with in the Collaborative Process or mediation in order to maintain confidentiality in these cases. Second, much more than the average person, celebrities tend to realize that life will go on and there will be plenty of other options for them in the future. Part of their biggest challenge in fact is they are surrounded by temptation on a daily basis. A break up is just a temporary set back, but it does not usually mean to them that their entire world is over. This is actually an incredibly healthy way of thinking, and I wish more people could adopt this attitude during their divorces. Third, people with fame and fortune know all too well that money cannot buy happiness and love. Their struggles are different than those of the average person, but when it comes to relationship difficulties, they suffer in just the same way as anyone else does-- except that their struggles are out there front and center for everyone to see. [...]
How Do You Define a Girlfriend/Boyfriend?
For some people, labels are important-- they want to know where they stand in a relationship and somehow having a title seems to provide some comfort for them. I am not big no labels, except for perhaps 1) fiance, 2) spouse or 3) partner, which signify a real long-term commitment. Short of those three terms, what difference does it make if you get introduced as a friend or boyfriend? Isn't it understood by those that see you together expressing some sort of affection? Once you have had the exclusivity talk, what about using the term FWEB (friends with exclusive benefits)? Perhaps my hang up is that a true boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is one where you both get each other- you understand how the other person thinks, how they will react to certain things, their likes/dislikes, how they handle conflict and communicate when things are difficult. All of this takes time, and this timeframe will obviously vary depending on the frequency with which you see someone. Demonstrating a genuine interest in getting to know someone is not something you can fake, and once you achieve that comfort level, it is not that easy to just walk away. To me, that is when one can really merit the title of boyfriend/girlfriend. But that is just my opinion, and everyone has a different definition. Bottom line is it is okay to have the talk about titles, and it is okay to have a difference of opinions. Just have the conversation and make sure you are both on the same page.
The Things We Do For Love…
This past weekend, for the first-time ever, I strapped on a pair of skis and went down a snow-covered mountain. I was not allowed to do this when I was younger, because no one wanted me to risk an injury while competing nationally as a gymnast. Years later, I decided I was not much of a cold weather person, and as the years past it just never really occurred to me do try skiing-- until now. Turns out my son loves the snow, loves the cold, and seems to have no fear. I also have a couple of great friends that enjoy the sport, and they all somehow convinced me to try skiing at 39. It wound up being one of our best trips ever!As a parent, I had prepared myself for the sleepless nights, stinky diapers, sick days, child care issues and educational expenses. What I had not prepared myself for was having to deal with much of this by myself-- I had never contemplated taking my son to Disney or Bethany by myself. Never thought I'd be hooking a worm for him while taking him fishing, climbing a tree to retrieve one of his toys, or wiping out while hurling myself down a mountain, and yet all this and more has become my reality over the last several years. None of this was planned, but maybe it had to happen this way so I could learn that true love may indeed have no limits.