Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
Forgiving Others, and Yourself, Is The Best Gift of All
So often I see people grappling with either anger or severe sadness, especially when they first come to me for help with a divorce. Sometimes, they blame the other person entirely for their pain, but there are others that turn that critical eye inward to an unhealthy extreme, and they cannot forgive themselves for having made such a mistake in some of the choices they made when picking their partner, for enduring as much pain as they did, for not leaving sooner, etc. They will perseverate about this so much, that eventually they become filled with fear and self-doubt about their ability to judge others in the future. Remember, hind-sight is 20/20. You can't blame yourself for not seeing into the future, or giving people the benefit of the doubt. Some people are excellent at hiding their truly nasty side until the honeymoon is over, and others will change based on certain life challenges that no one could have predicted. So, at some point, you have to find a way to forgive yourself in order to move on and possibly find love again. With respect to forgiving others, I know first-hand this is not easy, and yet harboring anger and resentment against others is just an incredibly heavy load to have to carry. Negative feelings will fester and eat away at you, and this too will hold you back in your ability to allow new, healthy relationships into your life. So for your own sake, you need to find a way to let go of the past-- but don't forget the lessons. Throughout life, we are all bound to be disappointed by others-- friends, family, lovers, colleagues, peers, service providers, even random strangers may not live up to our expectations and can inflict pain upon us. Some people will not gain our instant forgiveness, and no one should force upon us some artificial timeline. Only you can control when you are ready to forgive, and the level of that forgiveness, depending on the transgression. Today's workshop on forgiveness taught me that forgiveness is not about forgetting or excusing the behavior that offended us. It is not about becoming vulnerable again or re-establishing a relationship. Instead, it is a complicated process of multiple layers. It is a choice we make, and it is a gift primarily to ourselves, that may in fact have a powerful ripple effect upon our larger community-- [...]
How Do You Kiss & Make Up?
It is natural and inevitable that couples will argue, have differences of opinion, and that each side may need to retreat to his/her separate corner for a time out to think clearly and calm down. Especially when you put two very strong willed and independant people together, these clashes can be pretty intense. Let me be very clear about this: it is perfectly normal to fight, but it is how you act in the heat of an argument, and how you make up after an argument, that makes or breaks a relationship. While arguing, try to be cognizant of what you are saying-- for some of us, words matter a lot. Sometimes, the message might be a good one, but if your delivery sucks, the message will get lost in the process. Some of us resort to name calling, sarcasm, we go global or we shut down-- again all very common tactics-- but if we can try to catch ourselves and minimize this behavior in the heat of the moment, just imagine how much better off we would all be. If the point is to express your disappointment and to prevent a future misunderstanding, then you need to try to deliver that message as clearly as possible while refraining from kindergarten behavior. After a fight, when you are in a better place, it is very healthy to analyze how the argument spiraled out of control. Remember, you are NOT re-hashing the argument or trying to place blame on the other person. This is about understanding each other's point of view, figuring out a way to avoid each other's triggers in the future, and above all, acknowledging that you are sorry for hurting the other person's feelings. Unfortunately, apologies are becoming rarer and rarer these days. Perhaps some people see that as a sign of weakness? Well, I see it as an incredible strength-- it takes courage to admit you are not perfect, that you made a mistake, and that you are sorry. Without mastering the art of an apology, you will never truly be able to kiss and make up. And here is one final tip from a friend that has been married for a very long, long time: implement a statute of limitations. In other words, if you are pissed about something, you have 24 hours to get it out of your system. After that, you can't bring it [...]
Dating & Social Media
Who ever thought so many people would pay attention to a change in status of Facebook? Well, apparently many people do. Seems so innocent- you are dating someone, you agree to be exclusive, okay might as well delete that single status on Facebook-- next thing you know, everywhere you go-- the hair salon, at the mall, on the street, at networking events everyone starts asking you about your status change! So here's the deal- before you make that change, I suggest you think through the consequences and have a talk with the other person about what it all means. Seriously- a change in FB status may not seem that big of a deal, but here is a news flash-- it actually might be, depending on the circles you travel in. Guys particularly like to mark their territory, so I get it. FB status is now the cheapest way ever to do that without shelling out a ton of cash-- genius! But let's face it, many guys are not really going to care about FB status at all. Why? Because at the end of the day it is just a public declaration that you have agreed to be exclusive, but you have not signed any legal documents, and all it takes is one click of the button to return to single status. Unfortunately, that in itself may cause a whole flurry of additional questions at the check out counter next time you are at the store, so just be prepared. By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
Learning to Compartmentalize
Sometimes, the qualities that are our strengths in our work environment-- such as being assertive, driven, strategic, forceful, authoritative, decisive, and able to make cuts as needed-- can make us pretty crappy partners. Having insight into our personalities and learning to check some of our "bad" traits at the door when we come home, might just do wonders for us in our personal lives.Those that are driven to succeed may suffer from tunnel vision-- their ability to focus is such an asset in their professional endeavors, and yet ironically such a detriment to them in their personal relationships. Unfortunately, gentle nudging does not usually do the trick-- the only way those blinders come off is as a result of some catastrophic or life-altering event.By sharing some of my stories, it is indeed my goal to try to find a way to spare others some pain and help my peers avoid some of the mistakes that I have seen so many make over and over again throughout the years. If there is one key thing I would urge everyone to do is take a good look inward and try to recognize how some of those attributes that might be rewarded at work might not be so highly regarded by your loved ones. Try to compartmentalize and learn to leave the work self behind when you clock out at the end of the day. In addition to taking a little introspective exercise, try to have an honest conversation with your partner about how challenging it by be for you to change certain behaviors-- especially for those of us trained over the last 15 plus years to think like lawyers, who need to think of the worst case scenarios and then work backwards to avoid or at least minimize horrible consequences, it is not easy to just stop thinking that way all of a sudden. When you are trained over and over again to be on your guard and keep people at arms length during negotiations or litigation, is simply is not easy to let people in and take major leaps of faith.If we can try to see how some of our strengths may also be weaknesses, depending on the different scenarios we are in, I think we are much better off having this insight. Faced with danger, perhaps my instincts to always fight may not be the best, and indeed sometimes fleeing [...]
Teaching Kids About Love— and Divorce
When I got divorced in 2005, my son was 2 years old. As a result, we did not have to explain much to him about the reasons we were getting divorced, etc. Most of my clients, however, are not so lucky; therefore, on a very regular basis I have to work with my clients on developing a shared narrative-- a script that both parents will share with their children about why they are going to separate. The main points we want to share with kids are: (1) it is not their fault; (2) they will always be loved by both parents, who will continue to be involved in their lives; and (3) to the best extent possible, the parents are going to work together to minimize the disruptions to their children's lives. No one gets married with the expectation that it is not going to work out. Unfortunately, half of us will not succeed in keeping our first marriage together. How we write our divorce story is important, not just for us on a personal level, but for our children and peers. Life is full of disappointments and setbacks, but you have a choice to either wallow in self-pity and/or anger, or try your best to mitigate the damages and move on with dignity and grace. My hope is to help all my clients choose the latter option. After the dust has settled from your divorce, and you have hopefully moved to a better place, where you find yourself fortunate enough to have a second chance at falling in love, you will once again find yourself in a critical teaching moment with your kids. As parents, we are modeling behavior for our children, and how we behave when dating, introducing partners to them, etc. is all being absorbed by them, which is why we urge people to be careful and not have a revolving door of people that might make children think that nothing is permanent, that every relationship is transient, and that love is just a temporary thing that comes and goes. For years, my ex-husband and I have managed to shield our son from our dating lives. But obviously at some point, I knew that if I found someone I thought was special, I would have to let that person in and make introductions. Slowly and carefully, I will have to make that switch from protecting my treasure [...]
Hitting the Reset Button
We all get angry, but we do not all handle our feelings the same way. When we fight with our partners, we learn alot about each other. While definitely unpleasant, it is a necessary part of co-existing with another, who will not always share your views on everything. After an argument, it is normal to want a time-out to process things. Some need less time than others, but like in a relay race, you have to go at the pace of the slowest person on the team.While both parties take a time out, it is incredibly helpful to replay the argument and identify what things hit certain trigger points. The point is not to get angry all over again, but rather to be able to isolate the exact words or actions that caused a negative reaction, and then to think through the reasons you had such a viceral reaction. This should later be shared with your partner-- but not until you have found a way to hit reset.For me, the key to hitting the reset button is actually remembering your love story. You need to remind yourself of the reasons you fell in love with that person, and then ask yourself whether that same person still exists. If that person has not pulled a bait and switch routine on you, then you truly need to ask yourself whether the fault exhibited negates all the good things you see in your partner. So long as you can see that the good continues to outweigh the bad, you should be able to find that reset button, and then you can hopefully have a candid discussion about the argument you experienced-- not to rehash the same crap, but rather to learn from the mistakes made and hopefully avoid each other's triggers in the future.
3 Steps to Healing
Some of us are quite capable of burying our wounds deep down inside, and we can pour all our efforts into work and other things to keep us sufficiently distracted. But carrying all this baggage around is not healthy, and hiding from our greatest sources of pain will not help us heal. In fact, it is like allowing weeds to grow inside the garden of your heart, and left unattended, it can quite literally choke the life out of you.Facing up to our greatest disappointments and regrets is not easy, but once we can admit them to ourselves and some of our trusted loved ones, we can at least start to gain some perspective. By accepting our own role in certain unfortunate events, we can at least learn to be better and perhaps act more prudently in the future. By then taking something negative and converting it into a positive experience, we can change our whole outlook on anything, including love and life. The final phase of healing involves getting closure. When you can let go of the past and start to focus on the future. I know it sounds so cliche, but the best part is definitely in the final phase-- when you can let go of the past, let the pain just wash away, and finally make room in your heart for the possiblity of falling in love again. To truly be able to believe that the best years of your life have not been squandered but are actually yet to come. To be filled once again with hope-- that hands down is indeed the sweetest moment.
Valentine’s Day Karma
Two years ago, I have to admit I was not looking forward to Valentine's Day, and so I threw an anti-Valentine's Day party, which included a pinata that featured a Disney princess, which I then crossed out with a large black marker. It was with great glee that I bashed that pinata, together with some other single friends. Let me just be totally honest, the rest of that year was filled with a series of disasterous dates. Needless to say, the following year I respectfully ignored Valentine's Day in silence. In the months that ensued, I found my family, and they filled my heart with more love than I ever thought imaginable.This year, for those that have been following the blogs lately, it does indeed seem that I've been struck by Cupid. One friend asked me recently if I've finally found my unicorn-- which references a far earlier blog that I wrote stating that finding the perfect man is like a quest for a unicorn. Well, I realize that fairy tale creatures do not exist, and I'm not going to pretend to be able to predict the future, but I will say I am looking forward to a romantic Valentine for the first time in a very long time. There is no magic formula that we can all apply to secure that perfect Valentine, but I am truly beginning to believe in karma. Negative thoughts tend to breed nothing but further negativity; meanwhile those with positive thoughts and energy seem to invite the right people and opportunities into their lives. Keeping this in mind, maybe we can all stop waiting on Cupid and instead make an effort in our own lives to spread some good Valentine's Day karma.
Meeting Your Own Needs
So often I hear clients talk about how their partners failed them or made them miserable-- but very rarely can people take some responsibility for their own actions that led to the demise of a relationship. As an outsider that has had to delve deep into divorces for over a decade, it is so easy to see how things can fall apart, but the burning question I've had for a while now is how do you make things last? This week, I was able to listen to two different experts-- one a dating coach, the other a life coach-- speak about fulfilling relationships. Both suggested that while we all have needs, it is not our partner's job to meet all of our needs. Some of us require high levels of intellectual stimulation, and as one expert quickly pointed out, that need can be met through books or seminars, not necessarily your partner, who just needs to be your emotional rock. Some of us need to run 4 miles a day just to calm down-- that does not mean we need our partners to run along side us, in fact at that moment all I want is my iphone as my best friend. Women in the 21st century are certainly proving that they can do almost everything on their own-- but what is the fun in that? It is great to be self-sufficient and independant-- in fact most guys these days don't want someone that is clingy or needy. Being able to find your own fun in the playground is not only fantastic and healthy, but necessary. Just remember, when you are done playing at the end of the day, it is nice to come home to a gentle soul that helps you forget the rat race and will bring you coffee in the morning-- not because he has to, but simply because he loves you.
Little Gestures Go A Long Way
Some guys are all about big gifts and grand gestures-- I guess they think it's all about making some magnificent impression. But smart girls know to look beyond the flashy presentation, and it is often the small acts of kindness that go a long way-- like making someone a perfect cup of coffee; making an effort to open the car door; sending a caring text during the day; or calling at the end of the day to check in. This skill in follow through is unfortunately waning these days, so when you find that rare gem that does not actually need to be trained, make sure you let him know how much you appreciate it.For those that are not naturally inclined to pay attention to little details, you may need to encourage this behavior with a lot of positive reinforcement. Modeling good behavior is always helpful, and making gentle requests (not demands) helps those that are clueless figure out what to do. If you value the person and being in a relationship, then you may need to be patient teaching this skill. Some may just be hopeless, and then you need to decide whether it is something you can live without. The only way to know is by testing it out. I thought I could learn to live without the small attentions to detail, but now that I am reminded of what it is like to have that in my life I realize that for me, it makes all the difference in the world.