Regina’s Blog

As lawyers, we are trained early on to stick to facts, memorize as much information as possible to support your case, and don't let emotions get in the way. We are breed to win arguments, especially those of us that litigate. It is a gift, but it is also a curse.At work, I need to help people detach from their emotions so they can make sound decisions. Off the clock, however, we need to remember that emotions are a normal part of being human, and we cannot just dismiss people's feelings. Whether someone is expressing feelings that make sense to us or not, their emotions are quite real to them, and trying to minimize them might truly make the other person feel completely devalued or marginalized.Believe it or not, emotions are not easy for me to process. It is a work in progress, but what I do realize is that if the true prize is winning someone's love, then it really doesn't matter whether I win every argument. In fact doing so probably works against me. In a relationship, we all want to be heard and feel validated. If the ultimate prize is lasting love, you need to learn to pick your battles. Easier said than done for some of us, but it is totally worth the effort!

This week, I had the pleasure of attending a fundraiser for The Esperanza Education Fund, which is a non-profit that raises scholarship funds to distribute to immigrant students in the DC Area. They rely solely on volunteers to help with outreach, grant writing, fundraising, mentoring, reviewing applications, etc. For anyone interested in donating funds or time, the website is: www.esperanzafund.orgScholarship funds are particularly dear to me because as most of my friends know, when I was 14 I received an Albert G. Oliver scholarship available to gifted NYC minority students to attend boarding school. The gift of that education changed my life, and it is why I am so passionate about donating so much of my time to education.Whatever cause you come across that matters to you, I urge you get involved and try to make a difference within your own communities. Especially during these difficult economic times when funds are less available and resources are being cut for so many, it is important that we work together to support those in need-- and it does not have to be with donations, it can just be a few hours of your time. I also think it is a great learning opportunity for young children to realize the value of giving back to society, for truly I can't recall a more appropriate time in my lifetime to question what is it that we can do for our country rather than ask what it is that our country can do for us.

It is funny to me how the news is making such a big deal about a very standard request that we make in divorce cases. Given that half of all divorces involve an affair, adultery claims are not so shocking in my world. The emotional harm is not something any court can really address, but we do care about the financial impact to the family. We often track how much someone has spent on an affair to see if there was a substantial dissipation of marital assets for a non-marital purpose.Various articles talk about the fact that Iverson's estranged wife initially said the divorce had nothing to do with his affairs, and now they claim she is changing her tune. Here is a newsflash: she is not changing her tune-- she just got smart and hired a lawyer that probably explained the financial implications affairs may have when it comes to the division of property and/or alimony.I often remind my clients that divorce court is not criminal court-- we are not here to punish the perpetrators of an offense. Judges and lawyers understand that adultery is a symptom of a larger issue, and for us this is just business. It is a partnership that is dissolving, and we need to figure out the fairest way to make that happen. In divorce court, the issues are so often cut and dry for us, not because we do not care, but because we do not have to continue to live with the financial and emotional aspects of the divorce once the case is over-- only those going through it will continue to feel the ripple effect of the divorce in their personal lives. This is why I encourage my clients to rein in their emotions as quickly as possible during a divorce, so that they can make sound and rational financial decisions that are NOT based on their emotions. Anger is what fuels litigation, and attorneys can make a fortune off of someone's emotions. But ask yourself this question: if your house was on fire, would you call the fire department or the gas company? Calling in a hard-core litigator is like calling the gas company to come pour fuel on the fire. I prefer to be the fire department that brings a ton of water to try and literally help you save your home.

It is hard to believe that a year ago today, I set out on a journey to meet my family in Miami-- a family torn apart for decades due to an erroneous court decision that found insufficent evidence to support a paternity claim. Tomorrow, I get to share the story at my alma mater, GW University Law School. The story made local headlines in December last year, and has become part of my inspirational lectures around the DC Area. In honor of the one year anniversary of my fateful trip, I am re-posting the blog about how I finally pieced together the family I was denied for decades:A Puzzle That Took 38 Years to SolveIn 1971, a woman met a Spaniard while on a cruise. Nine months later, I was born. A nasty court case ensued, and without the admission of any medical evidence, the court found insufficient grounds to make a determination of paternity.My mother was publicly humiliated and felt betrayed by the judicial system. As a result, I was told as a child that my father was dead, and my mother insisted that I become a lawyer and learn my rights. As fate would have it, I got a scholarship to go to a boarding school in Andover, MA when I was 14. I moved to Washington, DC when I was 17 to attend Georgetown University, and by age 25 I completed law school at The George Washington University Law School. By pure coincidence, I began my legal career as a family law attorney, and ever since that is all I have ever done.In law school, and my first six years as a litigator, I was taught to hear my client's story, then to advocate his/her position as zealously as possible. Five years ago, however, following my own divorce, I underwent a complete transformation in my legal training. I pursued courses in mediation and Collaborative Law. Through these studies, I was transformed. I learned to hear both parties' version of events, as well as their goals and concerns. I was taught to view success as the best possible solution for the family as a whole, not just from one party's perspective. The results in my cases these past few years have been far more rewarding than I ever imagined.Now I have taken my whole new skill set and applied it to my personal life. After all these years, [...]

The past few days I was fortunate enough to have one of my life-long friends come to DC, not just for a visit, but to look at places to live. After all these years apart, she is moving to DC for a new job, and I will finally get to see her more than once every couple of years! So while catching up on life over the last few days, I was very excited to tell my friend about my upcoming webinar for Georgetown University-- in June I will be speaking about forgiveness as a key to success, both in your personal and professional life. Obviously, she has over the last 18 years seen how this skill (which was NOT acquired easily) helped me overcome some major challenges in life, and yet she made this one salient point: how is it you have been able to forgive so many around you while you remain so hard on yourself?Indeed, it has been said by many that I am my harshest critic, but I know that I am not alone. Many of us that are passionate and driven, with a clear goal in mind, have a very hard time dealing with setbacks. We rarely fail, but when we suffer our blows, we do not take them in stride. It is no secret-- as publicized in the Washington Post-- that my divorce was a humbling experience. It was the biggest public admission of failure, on something so major. So often I have been asked how it is possible that over six years later I still have not remarried-- really, the answer is so simple: because I have only recently finally learned to forgive myself.We all make mistakes, and some will have devastating consequences. Broken hearts take a long time to mend-- and it is not easy to let go of the past and expose yourself to further pain. But what is the alternative? To never risk being hurt would mean to wall yourself all from all humanity. We are social beings by nature, and a life of solitude is not a viable option. Remember, nothing ventured, nothing gained. To find a second chance at love, you need to let the past go-- and find a way to forgive yourself.

Someone asked me the other day how I would define a good boyfriend or girlfriend. To me it is more than just showing up on time, having fun on a date, and doing unexpected little things that might make someone smile that day. A good partner is someone who figures out what your triggers are and then does everything possible to avoid them. For example, if you sense that someone is stressed out about going on vacation, then just postpone it. If someone is freaking out about expenses, let's just fire up the grill and make dinner at home. If someone is telling you that they worried about something, then the other will try do everything possible to reassure that person that it will all be okay.Obviously, none of us can predict the future, and 100% guarantees do not exist in any relationship. But when you hit a road block, if you can remember what your original goal is (to be a good partner) then you should be able to work through the problem. Remember what your mission is-- to make the other person's life easier and happy. What is your vision? To stay together. What do you value? Time with that other person. Great- now you can reach out and seek to understand what is creating the road block, and if you have two rational human beings that share the same mission, vision, and values, you should be able to work out a compromise.It is funny how many business concepts can actually apply to other aspects of our lives, like the one I just stated above, but one of the best seminars I ever attended was by Jack Himmelstein, who taught me that understanding is the enemy of conflict. Truly- watch what happens next time you start sensing an argument is about to erupt, and just stop and ask, "why is this so hard?" Some are quick to say that love should not be hard, but when you have two strong-willed individuals with opposite personalities, it is not going to be easy-- that doesn't mean it is impossible. You just need to learn the art of compromise-- assuming you want that love to last.