Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
Dealing with Commitment Phobia
When you have suffered some unfortunate setbacks in past personal relationships, it is normal to feel a bit anxious about making another mistake, and to carry with you some sadness from the losses already suffered. These two things combined can lead someone to become a bit of a commitment phobe. Signs that this is happening will be readily apparent to those around you, who will find you are routinely testing limits. Once you can recognize this behavior in yourself, if you want to make a change, there is hope to modify this self-destructive behavior. We all have concerns, but in order to address them, we first need to identify them. I find lists really helpful, and they are often a great reminder that I am not deviating from my intended mission. Knowing exactly what qualities I appreciate in someone is a good reassurance that I am not making some crazy decisions based solely on emotions. After you have done this, ask yourself 3 questions: (1) do I trust this person?(2) do I respect this individual?(3) do I see us together 6 months from now? Assuming the answer to all three questions is positive, then only you can work on calming yourself down and allowing yourself to enjoy the ride. If you can't answer these questions positively, you have to figure out whether it is worth the effort to try and work through the emotional obstacles you are facing or if you are better off bailing and starting the search all over with someone else. A true commitment phobe will continue to bail-- it is basic human nature after all to seek pleasure and avoid pain. But, someone who wants to break the crash and burn pattern will find a way to stop this dysfunctional behavior-- s/he will find a way to try and work through issues rather than ignore or avoid problems. Running away is just a temporary fix to our discomfort, but never a long-term solution. Eventually, if you are lucky, you will find someone that inspires you to stop running and teaches you to enjoy the comfort and joy that comes with commitment.
Making Plans and Setting Boundaries
Some time ago, a male friend told me this story that his father had once shared with him-- it was about a father and son bull looking down at a field full of cows and the young bull wanted to run down the hill to mate with them, but the father stopped his and said, "why run when you can walk?" Well, my response to him was that women are not cows-- we are not all built the same, and some of us are surrounded by a field of bulls, so one of these days it may behoove him to run. I am a planner, as are most women I know, but I understand that life doesn't work out according to all our plans. Case in point: I was planning to enjoy single life in my 20's and marry in my 30's, which is what most of my friends have done. Instead, I was with my husband throughout all of my 20's, and have spent most of my 30's navigating single life. Having now experienced both worlds I can honestly say I prefer being in a committed relationship, and for the decade ahead, I would like to give up the dating game. So now of course, the planner in me kicks back into gear- because if you are going to exit the game, you need to know what you can live with and what you can live without. You need to clearly define your non-negotiables and realize those qualities in a mate that matter most. And you also need to consider how much time you are willing to invest in a relationship that may be fun, but as an unclear future. I used to think that boundaries were bad-- that they might make me too rigid and inflexible. Throughout the years (and lots of research) I have learned that boundaries can actually be good-- if the purpose is to protect us from getting hurt, and we don't use them as insurmountable barriers to wall off others. It is also helpful I think to explain our goals and concerns with our partners, because honestly wouldn't you want to know sooner rather than later whether you are both heading in the same direction? Understanding each other's vision is never a bad thing, and if you are not on the same path, who knows whether an open discussion may lead you to find [...]
Looking at Life from a Child’s Perspective
Today I got to weigh in on the radio about Brad Pitt's recent engagement to Angelina Jolie. Time always runs short, and there is so much that we did not get to cover, but what I found most interesting about their desire to marry was that they realized this is something that really mattered to their children. Until now, they are part of the 40% or more of children in the U.S. whose parents are NOT married. While we as adults may not think this matters so much, clearly it can and does have an impact on our children.What does marriage really mean? With divorce rates so high these days, and so many states denying this right to gay couples, many adults minimalize the importance of a piece of paper that certifies you are now officially recognized as a committed couple. But the fact is, it does mean something to be married-- to say that of all the people in the world, this is the person you have chosen as your partner, and that you want to stay with until death do you part. Now, it may not work out that way, but expressing publicly that profound depth of your love is an amazing statement that about 80% of Americans will chose to make at one point in their lives. Love may not be everlasting, but when we produce children from our unions, we take on an obligation to not just provide them with their basic necessities, but also life skills that they will carry with them even once we are gone. So when we divorce, it is our duty as parents to minimize the pain for our kids, and to continue to provide them with hope. Those of us who are lucky enough to find love again post-divorce, have an additional duty to teach our kids that relationships are hard work, but they also provide the most rewarding experiences in our lives. To be able to show a child that life doesn't always work out according to our plans, but that we move forward despite setbacks and never lose hope in love, that to me is the best gift ever.
Learning Acceptance
This past weekend, I had the honor of attending an Andover/Abbot event at the Cosmos Club in DC. It was very interesting to hear the varying perspectives of women that graduated from the '50s through the present. One thing everyone agreed on was that the educational opportunities, coupled with the friendships formed during those formative years in boarding school, have served them well in life. The importance of pursuing excellence was also a common theme, which of course, has left me wondering how often this blessing may also be a curse...When you grow up surrounded by over-achievers, all striving to be the best, that becomes all you know, and yet most people are NOT wired that way. When all you want is perfection, and no one teaches you that the majority are just hoping to get by making a decent living at work so they can enjoy their time off the clock, you wind up having a rude awakening when you leave the Ivy League towers and enter the real world. Life is full of imperfections, and those not taught to appreciate that early on, are going to have a hard time adjusting-- both professionally and personally.The best life lessons are sometimes learned from our mistakes, and not our successes. In the last few years, when all has not turned out according to my plans, what I have managed to glean is that life is full of surprises, and sometimes we may not be able to appreciate right away why we are better off having some plans go awry. Both in my personal and professional life, it has become clear that accepting others the way they are without trying to change them and appreciating what they bring into my world has completely altered the way I view life-- all is not black and white, right or wrong, a success or failure. Enjoying the fluidity of the relationships in my life, things ebb and flow more gracefully. I accept that I was wrong in applying a rigid view of things, and I appreciate the beauty of the new prism by which I have been taught to enjoy those around me.
Separate the Movie-Version from Reality
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me my life should be made into a movie, I would be really rich right now. It is the classic story line: poor girl from a broken home proves she has potential both in athletics and academic life; she gets a scholarship that completely changes her life; amazing work and travel experiences follow, but nothing seems to fill this void that she feels until she finally goes on a very personal journey to find her father and extended family. Sounds like a perfect recipe for a G-rated Disney movie, and yet real life is so far from picture perfect.In our minds, we all tend to have a movie we are working on, but the reality is that the other characters in our real life may not be reading from the same script. If you find yourself routinely disappointed by others, you need to separate out that movie version of things from what life is really like-- the only one you can control in life is yourself, not those around you. People don't have mind-reading abilities and may not know what it is that we want from them, so unless we clearly communicate our needs and expectations to those with the actual ability to help us fulfill these desires, we are bound to be disappointed by those around us. To have healthy and satisfying relationships in life, we need to be realistic and leave the movie-making task to those in Hollywood.
Getting Rid of Self Doubt Post-Divorce
A common problem among divorced people is that we are plagued by self doubt. If we could screw up so royally on something so important, how can we ever really trust our own judgment? I've been grappling with this for years, and in my very nerdy way, went on to research some of the best regarded books about relationships from those considered to be gurus in this field. I can now easily recite all their theories, but applying them, well that is a whole other story...Identifying and conquering our deep-seeded fears are not easy. I thought once this happened, the doubts would all subside. Little did I realize that as a self-defense mechanism, I've been laying land mines all over the place- designed to detonate before anyone came close to my most sensative wounds. As the land mines started going off, I was forced to face my biggest challenge yet-- I still have not forgiven myself for all those perceived failures that I've been carrying around like stones that weigh me down.Someone recently gave me the book "12 Steps of Forgiveness," and it suggests that sometimes these grudges we hold fall away like stones, one by one; other times, they can all come crashing down at once. I guess in this case, the path to forgiving myself has gone at a snail's pace over the last seven years since my marriage fell apart, but for the first time in ages, I feel like I am ready to let the past go. To be at peace with yourself is the best gift you can give yourself. Remember that no one is perfect, and the best we can do is learn from our mistakes. Once we can accept ourselves for who we are, and forgive any past errors, I truly believe the self doubt will melt away. Rebuilding our own confidence in the judgments we make with respect to our partners is critical to moving forward and finding love once again.
Getting Second Opinions
Why is it that in the financial world and medical field second opinions are so common, and yet when it comes to legal issues people are so reluctant to have someone do an outside independant assessment of the situation until sometimes it is too late? Too often I see people hire a general practice attorney to work on their divorce matter, and then I am brought in almost at the end to try and fix things. I have no doubt that if these people were dealing with doctors or financial advisors and lost confidence in these professionals, they would have sought out another professional sooner, and I wish more people would do the same when it comes to their divorce matters. Consults are rather inexpensive-- and fast. They usually take an hour, with the client describing the situation in about 30 minutes; then the attorney explaining the law and options in the remaining 30 minutes. One-time consults can be used to review documents, like prenups or Separation Agreements, before they are signed. We can flag issues, offer suggestions and strategy, and often times prevent major mistakes from occuring-- like waivers of certain rights that may not be undone once a contract is finalized. There is a lot of information available online these days, and I am all for people saving money and doing as much as possible for themselves, but often in my head I hear myself say "penny wise, pound foolish" when people come to see me to try and fix a mess that cannot be easily corrected. So, before you finalize any contracts, or if you find yourself losing confidence in the attorney you have hired, go ahead and get that second opinion. You probably will spend more on fuel in one month than it will cost to have the peace of mind from an expert on an issue that could impact the rest of your life. By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
Meeting the Parents
The first time I met someone's parents, I was 16 and super nervous. In boarding school, we could go months without meeting someone's parents, even though we might have been eating breakfast, lunch and dinner every day together at the dining hall for months. I know that is not normal in high school, but this is in fact what can happen as you get older. Meeting anyone's parents as an adult should be a piece of cake-- precisely because as an adult you should be confident in yourself, your accomplishments, and where you are heading. There is nothing to be nervous about, especially because your partner should not really be seeking their approval at this point. The funny thing about meeting someone's parents is that you think you have spent a lot of time getting to know this person, but those people created that person. They have known him/her since day one-- and they usually know the good, the bad and the ugly. There is a lot of history there, and no matter how how much time you have spent with your significant other, these people normally have you beat by decades-- so pay attention. Listen to what parents brag about. Watch how your partner interacts with his/her parents. Are they all comfortable and relaxed, or tense and awkward? The relationships we have with our parents say a lot about us, and while some of us are able to break bad tendencies that we observed as children, unfortunately many don't. When you leave, think about what it would be like to have these people in your life. Even if you don't see them every day or talk to them every week, they will be somewhat influential in your life with your partner. You may still need to coordinate holidays and special occasions with them, and someday they may even become the grandparents to your children. How would you feel about this? In the end, meeting the parents is not an insignificant step at any age, and it should be given proper weight and consideration that has to be held in balance with the significance of the existing relationship. Going in with low expectations will help curb any disappointment, but even better advice is to go in prepared-- dress nicely, be polite and think of it as an opportunity to learn more about your partner, who will love you just for trying [...]
What to Even Say?
A year ago, I flew to Miami to take a DNA test and meet my extended family. Flying down by myself was really hard, and it was even harder to keep it together while knocking on a stranger's door not knowing what to expect when I walked through that doorway. One of my friends described it best when he said, "you went down that rabbit hole all by yourself not knowing what to expect." It was a lot like Alice in Wonderland last year-- a journey into bizarro world with no one around to ground me, and that is how I learned the true meaning of true inner strength. Looking back, I have no regrets and could not be happier with how things have turned out. I still have my brother's first email, entitled "what to even say?" It is so hard to believe it has only been a year since he has been in my life-- he is the most amazing and beautiful man I have ever allowed into my world, and now it just seems like he's been a part of it for far, far longer than just a year.So here I am, one year later, heading back to visit my family-- and this time, I am not making the journey all alone. I never would have predicted this part of the story, but indeed somewhere along the way I lucked out over the past few months and found someone I might actually want to introduce to the Miami clan. In some ways, it is so weird-- it is like I am 15 years old and bringing home my first date for dad's approval. On the other hand, it really isn't nerve racking because the worst has already happened. Having already weathered 38 years without my dad; 27 years without my brother; and the last 7 years recovering from a very heart-breaking divorce, all I can say now is that in life, we have to make the best of the cards we are dealt and never lose hope that the best is yet to come.
Mitigating Damages and Controlling Risks
For the last 13 years, it has been my job to mitigate people's damages in a custody/divorce action and control the risks. It is well-known within my industry that the best way to do this is to avoid court, and everyone also knows that only about 5% of all cases ever go to trial. So, it is very normal for more seniored attorneys, who have the family's best interest at heart, to start to promote settlement upfront in cases, precisely because we want to minimize the losses and reduce the risks for our clients.This week, I was a part of two very favorable settlements, which brought me great joy. At the same time, I was quite saddened to learn from some of my colleagues that they were under the mistaken impression that I no longer litigate. Let me be very clear-- I do still litigate, and in fact over half my cases are still contested cases. While I enjoy mediating and collaborating, I realize that it is not for everyone, and it takes two willing participants to agree to pursue a settlement process outside of court.So, now ironically, I find myself in the role of mitigating my own damages-- so if you hear that I am no longer going to court, I hope you will correct that mistaken assumption. I still know and enjoy the rules of that very familiar playground that lawyers traditionally thrive in, and if that is the sandbox you choose to play in with me, it is not going to be pretty. If you want us to play nice, then I encourage you to pick a different sandbox (outside of court).