Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
Learn to Give Out Compliments
In my former life as an athlete, my coaches constantly critiqued me, and I knew that this was their way of helping me become a better athlete. No one is ever perfect, and so I quickly became accustomed to constructive criticism, and I learned to hold out for that ever so rare moment of praise. That one phrase, "nicely done" is like gold to me-- even now. Unfortunately, those of us that think of praise as gold tend to rarely handed it out. Some people hand it out like candy, and to me that just makes it meaningless. But perhaps there is a happy medium we can all shoot for-- especially with those that we love. No need to do cartwheels over minor things, but I have learned over time the importance of positive praise both at home and in the office. I originally went to numerous executive trainings about this concept to promote a better work environment; then I had to transfer this skill to my home life in order to attempt to raise a well-adjusted child. Along the way, I started applying this technique more and more to friends and significant others, and honestly in addition to seeing how happy it makes others, I have to admit over the last few years it personally has brought me great joy to acknowledge the effort people around me are making-- especially in today's crazy, unpredictable world. In a life where there are very few guarantees anymore- except for death and taxes, the fact that people go out every day and find the courage to love, look for meaning in their lives, and face constant threats to their physical, emotional or financial well-being, is not a small feat. To face all these fears without crumbling is what keeps us as a human race moving forward, and every day I am blessed with meeting courageous people willing to share a piece of their lives with me. In the spirit of handing out more compliments, today I just want to applaud all my friends out there-- and especially those who are now mothers and struggling with work-life balance, on Mother's Day weekend, my heart goes out to you all, because you rock! By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
Keep an Open Mind- Things Will Change Over Time
It's funny how some things that may have seemed so important years ago, no longer matter now. Before, when I was still open to the idea of having more kids, it mattered whether a potential partner shared this desire, and as a result, it was also important to me whether we had similar religious views. As the years have gone by, my views on these subjects have drastically changed, and now it matters far less whether someone else shares my religious or political views; meanwhile, if I were to meet someone who wants to have kids of his own, that has become an instant dealbreaker for me. As the notion of building a family has become less of a driving force, and instead it's become more about simply sharing time with someone, it matters a lot less whether we are equally good looking, of the same higher education level, or part of the same world. I have come to accept that my ultimate partner may not share the same interests, friends, or musical tastes, and instead I care more about whether I just enjoy his company when we are together. I have come to understand that it is not realistic to expect two lives to merge effortlessly and result in one perfectly blended family situation. Most parents that re-enter the dating scene after a separation or divorce, will experience a rude awakening as to what options are out there. Some people, unfortunately, do not age well, and a lot may be still be recovering financially and/or emotionally from losses suffered in a divorce. These experiences do re-shape our thinking and impact our ability to trust. It's also highly unlikely that someone else will ever love your children as his/her own. Having the expectation is simply unrealistic. Using myself as an example, I know that I only have one son that I created by choice-- he shares my DNA, and I would die for that child because he is my own flesh and blood. I will never feel that for anyone else, it truly is that simple. I also would never expect anyone to help financially with his care, and I would not imagine that anyone should expect that from me. We all have different criteria for what we need from our partners, and I don't think anyone else can really judge the things we choose to make priorities. Ultimately, I [...]
Don’t Lose Track of the Return on Your Investment
Today online, there was a discussion among lawyers about how you define success, and how we should all track our time to measure the return on our investment. Afterwards, I could not help but think what if everyone went through this exercise? Hopefully by now you've learned to define success for yourself, and you haven't lost sight of the fact that the best return on your investment of time is those personal relationships you make in life-- because that is your legacy in the end, not how much money you made for your company. In the last eight years, I have to make some very difficult decisions with significant financial consequences, both at work and at home. While running my own firm in order to have more of a work-life balance, I have paid very close attention to the return on my investment-- of both time and money. As a result, I am much more conscious of where I spend my resources and what those efforts yield. Last year, I made huge sacrifices in time and my personal spending in order to pursue my family reunification. That's obviously an extreme situation that most thankfully won't have to go through, but do take a look at your personal relationships and ask yourself whether you are happy with the return of your investment there. If you aren't satisfied with the results, then ask yourself where you can make changes and come up with an action plan. Whatever time and money you spend on your family, volunteering for causes you believe in, and even on yourself-- just going to the gym, spa, or pursuing an individual interest is a key piece to maintaining inner peace and being happy. Don't let external demands overwhelm you to a point that you lose sight of what matters most in life. To most companies, you are only as good as yesterday's sale-- to your loved ones, you will always be a rockstar-- just don't take them for granted. 🙂 By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
Love and Modern Technology
Tomorrow on MMCTV, I get to talk about how modern technology is being used in divorce cases-- GPS tracking devices, spyware, and all other sorts of ridiculous things are being used to uncover a spouse's infidelity these days-- and NOT all of that stuff is legal. So guess what-- someone can spend hundreds of dollars on all this crap, and it may never be used in a courtroom if information was illegally obtained. Post-divorce, people will spend thousands more on technology-- signing up for dating sites or going through extreme "divorce makeovers" getting facelifts, tummy tucks, liposuction, breast implants, etc. all in order to re-enter the dating scene while feeling and looking their best. While I totally support someone's desire to embrace all that modern medicine and the internet can offer us to help find a new love, I do wonder if it precisely this obsession with modern technology that is driving couples apart in the first place? As a GenXer that loves to blog, tweet, text, use Facebook and LinkedIn on almost a daily basis to stay connected with so many, it may surprise you guys to hear that it is old school ways of showing affection that actually make me melt. Emails sometimes wind up in spam; texts can get sent to the wrong numbers; FB posts or likes may get missed, and if you think I'm not serious, I promise you that I have experienced all of these major technological gliches in the past few months. So how is it that a relationship can survive all these disasters in a concentrated period of time? Simple-- never forget the old fashioned way of showing someone that you care for them- pick up the phone, go to the store and actually mail a card, and even consider personally delivering a plant. We can all text, tweet, email and send messages from the comfort of our own home or office-- but I urge you every now and then to unplug from the matrix, and just consider going that extra mile. Maybe if more people did these simple, non-techie gestures more often, we'd have a lot less need for GPS devices, spyware, etc. Nothing beats the human touch to make someone truly feel loved and special.
Sex, Lies and Videotapes- All Part of a Regular Day
Every day at work I hear all sorts of stories about people's dysfunctional marriages, including all the lies, sex scandals, and drug or alcohol abuse, which are among the leading factors contributing to the demise of a marriage. This week, someone asked me what I thought was the number one reason for so many divorces, and his guess was either disagreements over finances or adultery. He was shocked to hear that in my opinion the top two contributors causing so many break ups are (1) unrealistic expectations and (2) poor coping skills for dealing with stress. Let's take unrealistic expectations first-- many people take their loved ones for granted. We all get tied up with work, our kids, other obligations, but you have to make your partner feel like a priority otherwise s/he will start to think that perhaps the grass is greener on the other side... And, here is a newsflash- in a world where most no longer believe in vows that say "til death do us part," thinking you can slack off once you take that walk down the aisle is a big mistake. It used to be that only celebrities in Hollywood or politicians on the Hill were surrounded by temptation. Thanks to modern technology, that is no longer the case. You can have random strangers contact your spouse through chatrooms, Facebook, LinkedIn, etc. Someone who may not even be looking to make contact with others, may nonetheless receive an unsolicited invitation. Generally speaking, those that are happy in their relatioships will not stray; it is those that start to fantasize of ways to escape their misery that will wind up taking the bait. With respect to coping skills, I am truly not passing any judgment-- these are incredibly stressful times. Very few people have guaranteed salaries anymore, and we have all seen once mighty companies collapse over night. Many have lost significant portions of their savings and home values, and of course, I see in a very real and raw way how the economy has hit everyone across the board, because divorce does not discriminate based on socio-economic class. Unfortunately, it is those that don't find healthy ways of releasing stress that wind up in my office, where I then have to reassure them that their sordid tales of sex, lies and videotapes are normal-- at least in my world. Thankfully, we have ways of keeping [...]
Tips for Families with Special Needs Children
Families with special needs children, which are on the rise across the country, have a substantially greater chance of divorcing-- over 80% in fact, and the risk actualy increases as their children get older. Here are some reasons why: (1) the expenses related to these children can be astronomical-- doctors, tutors, medicines, attorneys, therapists, not all of which may be covered by insurance add a lot of financial stress to the family's budget; (2) if a child has a behavioral disorder or disciplinary issues, this may cause friction between the parents; and (3) whereas a mainstream child tends to become more independant around age 7-8, the special needs child may actually need more assistance at this time. The emotional and financial toll combined put these families at a huge risk of falling apart. There is a debate as to whether there are more special needs children now because parents are waiting longer to have them, or perhaps we are just more aware of the issues, like ADHD, autism and dyslexia. Either way, it is important to increase public awareness of the problems these families face, and I was glad to share this information on national radio this week. For those that missed the segment, I hope others will share this blog with anyone that has a special needs child. Parents need to be aware of the risks and hopefully guard against them. Get help-- involve the school counselors, teachers, doctors, etc. as soon as you think something is not quite right. Early intervention is the best chance of helping these kids and their families thrive. Special needs children may need to get an IEP, which is an individual education plan. There are attorneys that can help with this process, so that the school puts together a plan geared for that child's specific needs. These plans do not apply to universities, however, so you may need to involve another attorney and invoke the American with Disabilities Act to ensure that your child continues to have special accomodations in college/gradudate school. Special needs trust should also be considered to ensure that these children will have resources available to them upon the death of their parents, and back up guardians need to be identified in the event of an unforseen situation. In the beginning, without a clear path or understanding of the complex issues presented, families may feel overwhelmed, but the message I [...]
Rethinking the Dating Game
For those of us that like games, the Dating Game can be a blast. Thanks to modern technology, even without the use of online dating sites, you are constantly connecting with people through social networks-- LinkedIn, Facebook, Twitter, and for those blessed with a decent education, good looks, and an out-going personality, every where you go there are opportunities for new encounters. If you have stamina and a liver of steel, you can be out almost every night of the week. Then with the use of a handy little smartphone, you can just check in whenever you want with a "hey" text-- perhaps even with multiple people all at once. While you are waiting for a date, you can scroll through your Facebook newsfeed and discretely keep in touch with others, who actually think you care because you hit "like" on a recent status update. It is all just so easy--- and sick. Putting aside for this discussion all the concerns about STDs, stalkers and psychos out there, I really want to caution those gamers that get so caught up in the thrill of the adventure-- the chase, the hunt, the challenge-- whatever you want to call it, that you lose sight of the ultimate goal. Perhaps immediately post-divorce the goal is just to have fun, but normally the whole point of the game is to sort through the options out there until you find a quality person that you want to have as your life partner. To find a life partner, sooner or later, you need to focus, and put the games aside. It is just not possible to truly get to know someone, build trust, and actually fall in love while you continue to surround yourself with temptation and keep your options open. More than once, I have seen it happen where someone misses a great opportunity because they were too caught up in the games. It is so easy to get sucked into all the craziness and lose sight of what the end game is all about. The fact is 2/3 of all women and 75% of men will remarry post-divorce, and usually most of these people rebuild their new lives within 2-5 years after the divorce is finalized. If you find yourself now working well outside these norms, I beg you to ask yourself, have you veered off course? Are you so off track that you [...]
What Happens When Non-Planners & Planners Date?
Honestly, I have no idea how it is that I married a non-planner, but I guess back then in my 20's I thought his spontaneous nature was just so cool. Obviously, that did not last so right after my divorce, I specifically avoided that personality type-- until I slowly came to appreciate the more laid back guys (just not at the extreme end of the spectrum). So, what is the secret to having a planner successfully date a non-planner? The answer is simple: you need to meet each other half-way. You need to appreciate each other's view points and more than ever, you need to communicate effectively. If you don't, this is a recipe for disaster. Let me explain the mind of a planner-- we like to look at our calendars and see that there are things we can look forward to-- not just days in advance, but weeks in advance. My planning abilities come in very handy at work, where I have to schedule court, client meetings, trainings, etc. Being a good mom also requires planning in order to set up playdates, fun trips, summer camp, doctor's appointments, etc. Many of my friends have also enjoyed the benefits of having me (aka Julie Macoy Cruise Director) take care of dinner reservations, show tickets, etc. So, what is the downside? The downside is that if I ask someone to check their calendar and send dates, or circumstances change, I am sorely disappointed when the plans don't work out. It's taken me a while to appreciate the negatives to being a planner, but overtime I found that I'd packed my schedule so tight that others would get frustrated having to wait a month to get on my calendar. Often, I had to turn down certain last-minute opportunities because I was already over-committed. Basically, I wasn't leaving any room for fun, spontaneous things to happen (and this is exactly the fear that non-planners have about planning too far in advance). What this meant was that those awesome laid back people that I found so cool were not in my life as much as I wanted (and needed) them to be. So, to get them back in my life, I had to learn to chill out and not plan so much. Trust me, it can be done, but this is still a work in progress for me. What non-planners need to understand is that [...]
Normalizing The Divorce Process
Sadly, it is my own experience with divorce that has helped me understand the emotional side of what my clients are going through, and I try to share some stories with them to make sure they realize what they are going through is actualy quite normal. The fact is, if I am allowed to do my job properly, the legal aspects of the divorce can be dealt with quite quickly-- we just gather up all the relevant information, generate options for a solution, and try to reach an amicable settlement that everyone can live with, preferrably without resorting to court except for an uncontested hearing. Picking the right attorney to perform this amputation in your life is the key to coming out with a nice clean cut that can heal quickly versus going to a butcher that will leave you scarred for life. The emotions I see cover a whole spectrum-- some are in complete denial, or so detached that they are void of any emotion. Some are incredibly immersed in sadness or anger. Many are anxious, mainly because there is a complete loss of control in the beginning of the process. Separations raise a lot of fears: fear of the unknown; fear of being alone; fear of being poor; fear of losing your identity. It is such a scary time for people, which is why they need to find an attorney they can trust, who is not going to try and rape and pillage the family while encouraging a "War of the Roses" scenario. Knowing your rights and obligations is the first step to reducing some of the fear of the unknown. Coming up with a plan also tends to reduce stress. Understanding what kind of budget you have to work with and setting realistic expectations of what kind of process you can afford is critical to a successful outcome. Don't let the fees get out of control-- don't ask for services outside your budget. Know that every call, email, letter, court appearance and meeting is going to be charged-- attorneys are service providers, and we charge for our time. As a result, you have a huge incentive to not drag things out, to try to be reasonable in your proposals, and to let us wrap things up quickly for you-- but that is separate from dealing with the emotional divorce. To be honest, it took me years to [...]
Can’t Expect a Fish to Climb a Tree
One of my favorite quotes from Albert Einstein is that you shouldn't "judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree." I often start my work day with a reminder of this quote, and it ends this way as well. People often complain that typical male behavior is for them to want to have their cake and eat it too-- well, let me just say that plenty of women seem to suffer from similar delusions.Most GenXers grew up with mothers still spending a lot of time at home, maybe working part-time jobs, but generally speaking the fathers were the ones primarily responsible for financially supporting the household. Until quite recently, therefore, men were primarily judged based on their ability to provide for their families, and generally speaking, the best providers won bragging rights for getting the prettiest brides and producing beautiful families. It was so simple back then, and my male peers sadly grew up with this as their model for what makes a good marriage.For better or worse the fact is that the traditional family model is rapidly dying out, and now that women have fully entered the workforce at all levels in masses, so we place much less of an emphasis on a man's ability to provide, and instead give much more weight now to a man's ability to be a good companion-- one who comes home at a reasonable time, shares in the household responsiblities, and communicates with us in an effective, loving way.Here is the deal- some may still just want a good provider, and if that is your primary criteria in a mate, then you have to accept that in order to be a great provider, that person will probably have to work his/her butt off, and will NOT be readily available to spend quality time or be emotionally available. Those that value spending quality time and sharing more of their emotions, are probably going to make certain sacrifices financially in order to enjoy more of life. The key take-away point here is that we cannot all operate at 100% in all areas of life-- it is just not humanly possible. If I am giving 100% of myself to work and being a mom, then I am not going to have much time left for much else-- other friends, family, time alone, or quality time with a significant other.There is only so much time [...]