Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
Trading Assets When Dating- Another Harsh Truth
There are some harsh realities that people do not generally talk about openly, but I think these truths are worth sharing so we can have realistic expectations in the dating world. There are 3 things we all trade in the "open market" when dating: (1) sex appeal (2) money and (3) influence. The sexier, richer or more well-connected you are, the more appealing your package is to a potential partner, and therefore, the more power you will have, and the greater your options will be while out on the prowl. Guys are quite visual by nature, so chances are a woman's sex appeal will matter a lot to them. Meanwhile, women are less visual, and can be much more forgiving in the looks department, assuming other qualities they care about like emotional availability or financial security are present. Men that want to have a family are going to target women (aka "breeders") between the ages of 25-35. Those that are done having kids, however, will probably focus more on women between the ages of 35-45, which are peak years for women with careers, and often many are still very attractive. Now, the more power a guy has based on the package he can offer, the pickier he can be, but unless you are the total package, it is simply not realistic to set your sights too high. Same holds true for women-- those with great sex appeal, money and influence, are rarely going to date down. No one ever wants to settle, but you also can't try to over-reach-- that will get you no where. When you are out in the market, you have to be aware of the assets you have and try to sell the value you add to a partnership. Make the most of your time by realistically investing in others that will compliment your package.
Love & Money- The Harsh Truth
Last month, I was part of a panel discussion in DC on Love & Money, where I was able to describe the kinds of instruments family lawyers can devise to protect assets and ensure a fair division of household expenses. My t.v. segment on Money Matters, which aired in June, also covered this subject, and on several of the recent radio shows for Sirius XM, I was also asked to comment on the increased reliance of various contracts that govern how couples handle money and share assets. Clearly this is becoming an increasingly hot-button topic among couples. The harsh truth is that couples cannot ignore money discussions, and it will continually be a work in progress for families to work on a realistic budget, saving for retirement and/or college, and paying down debt. Two people may be in love and yet have completely different views about money. Rather than ignore these differences, they need to talk about them. Unfortunately, many avoid money talks and sometimes naively believe that as long as two people have good incomes, there shouldn't be any problems. In fact, what I've seen is that the more people make, the more they tend to over-extend themselves with expensive homes, cars, etc. Furthermore, those that come from wealthy families have significant external pressure to protect that family wealth, and emotions can run high when legal discussions are involved. Most lawyers are generally trained to detach from emotions, and once our clients share their concerns with us, it is simply our job to draft the right legal documents to address their concerns, including: (1) cohabitation agreements, (2) prenups, (3) postnups, (4) trusts or wills, (5) family limited partnerships, and in the unfortunate event that things do not work out (6) Separation Agreements. These are all part of my every day vocabulary, and my firm belief is that as long as people can articulate their concerns and find common ground, the legal contracts drafted should preserve the peace and protect everyone. For those that have a problem discussing money with their partners, seeking the advice of a neutral person, such as a couple's counselor or certified financial profession to facilitate these difficult talks might be a wise investment. Let's face it, money talks are inevitable and can make or break a couple. Having realistic expectations of what each party can and will contribute financially on the road to happily-ever-after is [...]
What Happens When Acts of God Intervene?
This weekend, the DC Area was hit by a terrible storm that left thousands without power. Many trees in my neighborhood fell and destroyed several cars. One tree behind my building caused a power line to go down and a fire broke out; meanwhile the building next door had a tree fall on top of the roof. In the middle of the night, I had to pack an emergency bag and wait for instructions on whether to evacuate-- but our egress was blocked by trees on the road, so immediate escape was not an option. Somehow, my son slept through everything-- completely oblivious to the chaos around us. The next morning, with the threat of peril behind us, I have to admit I felt wiped out. In the last 18 months, this area has been hit with a severe snowstorm aka Snowmaggeden, two earthquakes, a hurricane, and now this tornado. It is almost as if these Acts of God are trying to highlight a reality I've been trying to ignore for some time: we are all human, and no one is invincable. This begs the question a lot of us try to avoid: can you weather life's storms alone? Humbly, I accept that the answer is no. Thankfully, I did not have to dwell on these thoughts for very long. Somehow, despite an inablity to phone and text anyone, my email describing the situation reached at least one friend, who was able to drive close enough to my location to get us out of what looked like a war zone. It was odd to see movie theaters without power, restaurants that were either closed or packed, and traffic was a nightmare due to lights being out almost everywhere. The order and peace that we are so used to in DC is not something everyone gets to enjoy, and the past several acts of God have definitely driven home the point that it is okay to rely on others-- it is in fact human. Every now and then, I'm learning that it is okay to give up the savior role and instead be the one in need of a rescuer.
Love & Modern Technology
Some new stats were recently released, and I have to say they leave me greatly concerned about our society's ability to maintain healthy, loving relationships. The two that give me the most pause are the following: (1) 15% of the people surveyed said that they would rather give up sex than go without their iphones for a weekend; and (2) 65% said they wouldn't be able to live without their iphone, while another 1% said they couldn't live without Facebook. Seriously? Don't get me wrong, I embrace modern technology and all it has to offer to help us professionally or facilitate our personal connections-- but to actually feel like you can't live without your phone for a weekend or that you'd prefer the company of some gadget over your partner is ridiculous. Clearly this instrument is filling a void that isn't actually being addressed in your personal relationships. To develop true personal connections, you need to make time for that person and show them that they are a priority in your life. No one I know has ESP, so unless you actually reach out and tell that person that you are thinking about them, wondering how they are doing, and that you want to see them-- how is someone supposed to know that they rank in your life? Checking in with a "hey" text is a start, I suppose. But so much can get lost in translation when you rely on written communications. I want to hear the tone in someone's voice-- and nothing beats seeing the person actually smile or laugh in response to something you've said or embrace you when you walk through the door. As I said last night in a panel discussion, love is like a plant-- you need to water it and give it sunlight. If you don't, it will die. I wish I'd come up with this notion myself, but actually it was one of my mental health colleagues that told me that. Hopefully by sharing this idea, you guys will remember to use your gadgets wisely to stay connected, but don't lose sight of the need to put the electronics away and give your loved ones undivided attention-- a good partnership stems from a couple's ability to make the other one feel special, and like it or not there isn't an app for that! By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
Striking a Balance Together
This weekend, I had the pleasure of attending a beautiful wedding on Maryland's Eastern shore. It was a second wedding for both bride and groom, and the rabbi did a lovely job of pointing out the strengths that they each brings to this new union. Their styles are indeed very different-- the groom is more of a strong, quiet type, while the bride is much more outgoing, assertive and independant. The message we were all left with was that some of the best couples learn to play off their different strengths and balance each other out. Indeed from my what I have gleaned from the successful couples I know, as well as my own experience, is that there's always one that is more of an extrovert while the other is more of an introvert. One is generally more assertive, while the other is more laid back. Together, they find a way to beautifully balance each other out. Unfortunately, when I'm with someone that is at least on par with my competitive, aggressive and opinionated nature, if an argument arises, it quickly can become a battle of wits and wills. Even after all my training as a mediator and Collaborative Professional, I have my moments, and so I recognize that I am far better suited with someone that can remain calm and even-keeled. Realizing however that conflict is inevitable, I continue to look for resources we can all use to reminder us how to resolve conflict in constructive ways. Luckily there are a lot of resources out there, and it's no secret that Dr. Gottman is among my favorite, but this week I've been reading "Focus on Forever," which is an AAML (American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers) publication. It is a quick read and provies tips for good listening and avoiding the "Lover's Panic," which is when you start to blow things out of proportion and believe you've made the wrong life choice in a partner. There are also recommendations for promoting loving negotiations and good workbook exercises you can do with your spouse/partner to gain a greater understanding of one another. Finally, there is a section on how you should discuss money, which is the topic I get to cover in tomorrow's lecture at the University Club in DC. The best lesson I have learned, however, through observation and all the literature out there, is that money issues are never [...]
Father’s Day, Redefined
For years I dreaded Father's Day. Everyone else I knew had some reason to celebrate, except me. I knew nothing about my dad, and I always just wondered stupid things like whether I looked like anyone from his side of the family, if anyone had eyes similar to mine, did I inherit any of his traits... Basic things that so many of my friends took for granted. Without any pictures or stories to glean this information from, I was left wondering for many, many years-- until now. This past weekend, I got to enjoy my first Father's Day with my dad, who came to DC for the Fancy Food Show. Many of my friends think of me as someone who dares to dream big-- yet never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would get to spend Father's Day with my own father, and now that we have had a little over a year to get comfortable with one another, the pictures and stories I always craved are finally being shared with me. Turns out, both physically and in my personality, I seem to have a strong resemblance to my paternal grandmother. I've chased many kites in my life (you'd have to recall Kite Runner to get that reference), but I have to say the sweetest one was reconnecting with my dad, who has finally helped me piece together this ridiculous puzzle from my past. In record time, we have made major progress in getting to know and understand one another, but definitely this weekend was a true turning point for us. To see him in action, in his element, was truly a sight to behold. I am so proud of him, and so happy to have the opportunity to hear his pearls of wisdom. The tears from last year are now dried up, and we are able to just laugh at the funny twists and turns that our lives have taken to get us to this point. I hope that no one else ever has to go through what I went through before they could enjoy a simple Father's Day celebration. People need to understand that all children crave to know their makers and understand their family's story. Regardless of whether a family stays together in one house, blood ties will remain, and it is important to promote a connection with both parents and extended family whenever [...]
The Reluctant Poster Child of Divorce
All I ever wanted in my personal life was to experience an intact family. My parents never married, and it took me 38 years to finally find and reconnect with my father. My own marriage ended in divorce 7 years ago, and it took me a very long time to get over that loss despite being considered an expert in the field as a divorce lawyer. There are many factors that led to my slow recovery from this major setback in my personal life, but I eventually learned to channel that pain into something useful through my writings and lectures. Finally, after 14 years of watching so many families fall apart, including my own, I get the ultimate opportunity to make things right-- I get my own t.v. show to help families deal with a variety of issues by having guests come to talk about the most common problems that we all may face in life. I never intended to be the poster child of divorce, but sometimes life has a funny way of making things happen for a reason, and I find myself in the strange position of being able to look back now and connect the dots. My career as a national gymnast made me goal-oriented and fearless; my academic years taught me the importance of sharing our gifts and ideas; my professional years have taught me that even the most brilliant people struggle with personal relationships, and it is truly up to each individual to define his/her own success. Now, if I cannot help others improve their lives with all the information I have gathered over the last 14 years while guiding families through difficult transitions, then in my opinion, I will have failed all those that helped to create me. Every little story, journey or idea that anyone shared with me throughout these years has played a part in getting me to the point where I can comment on radio, tv, books or lectures about the importance of preserving our relationships as best we can-- even if sometimes we cannot all continue to live under one roof. Many times, I have heard people say that they have not told a soul about the fact that they are getting divorced. This is truly the most non-sensical thing to me-- it is precisely when your life is falling apart that you need to reach out to your friends [...]
The Importance of Making Lemonade Together
If there is one thing the Great Recession has taught us all, it is that there are no guarantees. Because divorce does not discriminate, I have learned that plenty of people in a variety of fields including bankers, realtors, and sales people all mainly on commission as well as lawyers, doctors, therapists and other service providers, all relying on their clients to get paid, suffered major financial setbacks when the housing bubble burst and panic set in. Job security is pretty much non-existent in this precarious economy, and this explains why we are seeing so many people stressed out and stretched thin financially these days. To add to these wows, the DC Area is a particularly tough place to call home. Many have moved here for job opportunities or to puruse a higher degree, and they have very little family support near by. Given the transient nature of this area, friends come and go, and so many people I know focus on work to the exclusion of so much else. This leaves a very meager support network in place for someone when things go wrong. Unfortunately, when you are not on your A-game, a lot of people don't even want to contemplate dating. And yet, isn't there a lot to be said for someone who enjoys your company even when you are not at your best? Indeed, a good partner is not just someone who will be with you for the fun times. We can all have fun during the honeymoon phase in a relationship, but to truly succeed in life, you need to be able to weather both highs and lows togethers. Everyone is always happy when things are going splendidly, and who doesn't want to be around the girl or guy who is the life of the party? But what happens when s#%t hits the fan? It will happen eventually, and what I like to find out sooner rather than later is what happens when I have an off day? How will that person react when I don't meet their exact expectations? When plans fall apart- does your partner have a meltdown or help you come up with some alternative solutions? If you can't count on someone on a low day, you really need to think carefully about the long-term potential of that relationship. Inevitably, life will throw you some lemons every now and then. And as one [...]
Recognize Your Gifts, Use Them Wisely
Lots of people ask me what they can do or have to do, but not necessarily what they should do. As most people have gathered from my public service announcements lately, I have really grown tired of the legal games after hearing some of the worst divorce stories ever over the past 13 years. The fact is that there are over 311 Million people in the U.S., but only about 1.2 Million licensed and actively practicing lawyers. Over 40% will leave private sector by the time they reach my level, leaving very few of us "in the game." Many of my female colleagues will bow out of the race, for a variety of reasons-- although many of my male peers like to just say that, "they self-select out." Well, I have chosen not to opt out, but that doesn't mean I have to play by the old school rules either. Thanks to modern media, ideas can spread quickly. Tonight, I get to share some of my thoughts on family law issues for Money Matters, which airs on Montgomery County Cable and goes live online soon afterwards. On a regular basis, I also get to go on Sirius XM and discuss current family law issues. Later this month, I will present two webinars for my alma maters Georgetown and GWU. None of these endeavors are paid, but the joy I get from helping others understand complex issues is like no other. The fact is I have come to realize that my knowledge is a gift, and it is not one I feel like using as a weapon even though I could. Hopefully, together we can bring out each other's gifts and inspire each other to use them wisely. Let's switch the conversation from what you can do to what you should do.
Why Do Some Girls Love the Bad-Boy Types?
This topic has come up a lot lately so I feel compelled to shed some more light on this topic. There are 5 main reasons a smart women can go for the bad-boy type: (1) Opposites Attract- Maybe you never really got a chance to be openly rebellious, and now it's too late to change who you are, but you can date the rebel type. Those that break or bend rules all the time definitely bring excitement in the beginning, until it grows old and you realize it's more drama than you need. (2) Florence Nightingale Syndrome- Some women like feeling needed, and these problem accumulators definitely require a lot of help. Eventually, however, many women find that their patience is exhausted, and it is far more rewarding to find a job that needs you (and pays you for your efforts) and instead have a partner far more put together to enjoy your down time with, otherwise you will never have any down time. (3) Fixer uppers- While this strategy works well with home renovations, it rarely pans out with men. Many women make the mistake of thinking that a man will change over time-- become more responsible or ambitious with just the right incentive. In fact, they are mostly on their best behavior when dating, rarely do things improve after you say "I do." (4) Playing it Safe- Sometimes you just want to play it safe by being with someone that you know is a player, this way you'll never fall for him, and he can't disappoint you. As long as you realize this strategy has a short self-life, maybe this can work. (5) Unresolved Issues- Many women suffer from self-esteem issues-- maybe because they have struggled with their weight, or they've experienced abusive relationships, or they had an absentee father. For whatever reason, they may not believe there are better prospects out there, and the only way to break this faulty logic is for them to realize on their own that they are worth more, that they can do better-- or that maybe happiness is about being content with yourself and not relying on anyone else to validate your existence. These are just some of the most common reasons that I've seen women go for the bad-boy types. And if you have a friend in this situation, just try your best to be supportive without passing judgment. Encourage your [...]