Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
How Do You Define Cheating?
Lawyers are known for being very technical, and so it should come as no surprise that in many states adultery is clearly defined as vaginal penetration, which is rarely proven by actually catching someone in the actual act, but rather by showing that someone had both the opportunity and disposition to have an affair. To meet this burden of proof, we often use private investigators, who may utilize GPS tracking devices to establish patterns, and do surveillance to obtain videos or photographs that may later prove useful in divorce court. We also gather emails, text messages, cards, receipts for travel or hotels, and credit card statements showing meals out or gifts purchased in an attempt to calculate how much was spent on the paramour. But clients rarely care about the money spent-- they are more focused on the depth of the betrayal. Those that have been betrayed by their spouses often care most about establishing a timeline. For them, it is important to know when the affair began, and how-- was it through a dating app, on Facebook, or did they meet organically? Rarely do they ask why, probably because it is clear that there was some need that was not being met at home. Unfortunately, however, more and more we see that many are having "emotional affairs" where a spouse has developed a deep emotional connection with someone else, without actually becoming physically intimate. Or, sometimes a spouse has simply become addicted to internet porn. Then there is a growing use of the term "financial infidelity" where a spouse has either hidden accounts or undisclosed debt that jeopardizes the family's finances. None of these, however, qualify as "adultery" in divorce court, but does that really matter? After much debate with my peers, although the law may not agree, I think the best definition I've found for what constitutes as cheating is whether you would feel betrayed if roles were reversed. This is way too subjective of a standard for the law to ever embrace, but I think it is definitely one worthy of consideration on a personal level. Regardless of what the law says, once you feel betrayed by your spouse, it is hard to have intimacy with that person, whether emotional or physical. Once the trust and respect in a relationship is broken, if it cannot be repaired, many will opt to cut their losses and end the [...]
Top 5 Deal Breakers in Dating
We all have different deal-breakers, and some we may realize right away, others we only learn over time, by dating people that trigger a viceral reaction within us. The beauty of having a ready-made list is that it will spare you and the other person from wasting each other's time. Here are the top 5 dealbreakers I hear about most often: 1. Drama queens- Few of us want drama in our personal lives-- especially those of us that already have to deal with this enough during the day. After an intense day at work, most people want to come home to peace and enjoy some down time with their loved ones. 2. Narcissists- Who wants to be with someone that is totally self-absorbed? A healthy partnership requires two people that can take each other's thoughts and feelings into consideration; you need two people that are willing to explore options and negotiate compromises. Someone that lacks thoughtfulness and can only focus on his/her own wants and desires is not going to be a very good partner. 3. Control freaks- Those that always want to be the one in power, make all the decisions, and have their will reign over others tend to view everything as a power struggle. We already have to deal with this during the day, who wants to deal with this on our off hours? Also, most of us in the Western world were raised with democratic beliefs. To live with a dictator goes against all our fundamental beliefs, and sooner or later, there will be an uprising. 4. Players- Obviously we all have to start off by playing the game, but some of us are able to focus when someone worthwhile comes along, and others have a problem committing to anyone. Those that are addicted to playing the field, who always have a wandering eye, are never going to be ones you can trust. 5. Cling-Ons- These are the ones who fail to respect boundaries. Most of us need our own space, some more than others. Those that are super clingy and needy have a hard time giving others their space. They tend to be insecure and become paranoid. At first their attention may seem flattering, but it does eventually grow old and annoying, especially when you just want a day to yourself and they cannot get it. Over the last several years, I have sadly suffered [...]
Beware of Childhood Baggage
We all have baggage from our childhood, and unfortunately whether you like it or not, it all resurfaces sooner or later-- especially when you yourself become a parent. I personally wasn't prepared for so many memories to come flooding back once my son was born yet somehow, past experiences that I thought were long buried came rushing back into my mind. Rather than just selectively focus on the good, I actually allowed myself to process all of the memories the surfaced, so that with each and every major decision that I faced as a parent I could let my past experiences guide me. Those parenting traits that I liked as a child, I kept while ones that I despised (like being spanked) I discarded. Honestly, there are a lot of things I did not get to do as a child because we had limited resources back then. Our living quarters in Queens, NY were small: my mom and grandma shared one room, and all three of us shared one bathroom. My mom drove the same Gold Plymouth Duster for 30 years, which she called her "classic" and I found absolutely embarrassing. Every time I had to ride that 7 train from Main Street (which is now known as Little Korea), I envied those that got to live in Manhattan. Needless to say, we did not take extravagant vacations, and the only way I got to go to private school was by winning a scholarship. As an adult, I have often found that those of us that grew up without money often retain a deep-seeded fear of being poor. Those that then marry someone with a very different family background and experience with money will have to reconcile their views of spending vs. savings with their partners, especially as all the child-related expenses keep coming up. Also, those that enjoyed having a private school education often want the same for their children, but if the other parent disagrees with this choice, the two parents will have to work through this issue, which often involves digging into each other's past and learning about one another's core values. The same holds true when it comes to deciding on extra-curricular activities, religious upbringing, how you discipline a child, and even the selection of summer camps. For those couples unwilling to compromise, this is sadly what leads them to the point of no return. Ultimately, it [...]
The Importance of Intimacy
This week, the Huffington Post released an article about the importance of sex in a marriage, and the author highly recommends 4 times a week as a healthy frequency. Another report I read a few months ago talks about the need to spend 42 minutes being intimate with your partner. Meanwhile, my guest on yesterday's tv show emphasized the need to spend at least 30 minutes per day of quality time with your kids, and then another 30 minutes just for the couple. Do the actual minutes matter? Probably not as much as the concept the you need to make time on a regular basis to connect with your family and not just take each other for granted. When discussing these recommendations with others, I find it hilarious to see how different people react. Many people start to argue that it just isn't possible to have regular and frequent intimacy when you have kids; others want to negotiate on the amount of time; some jokingly ask me if the clock starts ticking when you pour that first glass of wine! Seriously, I would like to put it all in perspective-- we spend at least 40 hours a week at work, if not more; another 50 hours sleeping (hopefully). Is it really that hard to carve out 7 hours a week for your family-- 3.5 for your kids and another 3.5 for your partner/spouse? Few of us will be remembered for our work efforts, and none of us will be remembered for getting some shut eye, but the ones who love you and will carry on your legacy are the ones that get the least amount of your time. If you look at it that way, making time for the ones you love should not be a hardship at all. Relationships are a labor of love-- enjoy the labor and you will reap rewards far beyond the instant gratfication of those 42 minutes in bed!
Making It Last
Tonight, my new tv show "Making It Last" will air for Montgomery Municipal Cable. The irony is not lost on me that I am a divorce lawyer trying to help families make it last. The fact is, after 14 years of helping families split up, I would like to see if I can do the reverse and help them stay together-- maybe not under one roof, but at least to embrace the notion that you can still be a family under two separate roofs. Since my own divorce, this has been my own reality, and so I know it can be done. Two people that bring children into this world may not make great roommates, but they can still work together to be good parents. Our kids deserve for us to make our best efforts, and there are so many wonderful resources in this area to ensure that families have ever chance at succeeding if their goal really is to produce a healthy, well-adjusted child. The journey that got me to the point where I am find myself today was by no means straight-forward or methodically plotted out. Many people opened my eyes along the way, and shared their ideas for a better future. Because I deal with very difficult issues every day, and I've seen more pain than many my age can bear to imagine. To try and stop the hemorrhaging of key relationships is not an easy task, and this is why I'm enlisting all my friends and contacts to assist me with show ideas and guests, who can come and share their expertise to provide families with tips on how to effectively address common, yet difficult issues many of us will face in our lifetime. It is no accident, that my first guest, is a couples counselor, who will focus on the need for people to communicate and work on resolving conflict. Throughout the segments, I'm sure I will reveal parts about my own life, and hopefully others will laugh with me as I talk about certain crazy events that I've had to face in my (almost) four decades here on Earth. The fact that the child from a broken home went on to become a divorce lawyer that promotes healthy relationships is pretty funny in itself. I am convinced that God has a sense of humor, so I'm just going to embrace my fate and give [...]
Returning to Your Roots
There is an old saying, which I love-- you need to give a child roots and wings. The roots will keep him/her grounded, but they need wings to fly. This past weekend, I was able to return to Andover, which holds a very special place in my heart. 25 years ago, I was given the opportunity to attend this elite boarding school in New England, thanks to a scholarship, which changed my life forever. Funny thing is that my best friend, whom I met on my very first day as we both settled into our dorm together, was actually a legacy child, very much acclamated to the New England culture that I found so foreign. Among the many ironies in this friendship that has spanned over half my lifetime, is the fact that at first, she was quite homesick and really just wanted to go home. I could not comprehend this logic at all-- to me, it seemed like we were in paradise. This beautiful, safe campus, which tried to promote a completley egalitarian society, rewarded us based on talent and merit, regardless of where we came from, and it was instilled into us early on that our gifts were meant to be shared. We were taught that with the gift of knowledge came the responsiblity of helping others, and the importance of doing something you loved, pursuing a career that made you happy, regardless of money, was drilled into me at a very early age during these formative years. At the time of course, I had no idea the impact this would have on me, but now as I look at the choices I have made in my life, I can see exactly how my boarding school years made me who I am today. Not many can comprehend the boarding school experience, which is actually why the friendships formed at Andover are so special. Those years had a profound impact on all of us, and I am so glad I went back this year, right before I hit a milestone birthday. Seeing my dear friend, and being able to share some of our memories, in addition to catching up about the present and talking about our goals for the future, was exactly what I needed to regain some perspective. As my dad said, sometimes we get so caught up with things, we cannot see what those around us are [...]
The Phases of Dating
Phase I- this is the fun part, where you go on some fun dates, play 20 questions, determine if there is any chemistry, and if so, you may plan fun weekend getaways together. This phase is the one full of adrenaline, and it is like a cocaine high for many-- I always tell people to just enjoy it while it lasts. Phase II- you have a talk about being exclusive, hopefully exchange STD test results, and establish some check-in procedures. You also start to leave things at each other's place-- small things, like a toothbrush, shampoo, maybe a change of clothes. You start enjoying down time, just cooking at home and watching t.v. You meet each other's friends and family, and go on an extended vacation together. Phase III- for those that just want to have fun, they are pretty happy just staying in Phase II-- and typically (althougth not always) women are the ones that want to push the issue of where are we heading with this? Phase III is hard, and this is why many will never get there. For those who deluded themselves into thinking that they could coast once they got to Phase III, they are in for a rude awakening. When things really get serious and you take about co-habitating and c0-mingling your finances, this can and will lead to some difficult conversations because it's highly unlikely that you will share the exact same life style choices/habits, taste in furniture/art, and views on spending vs. saving money. To further complicate things, not everyone deals well with difficult conversations and transitions. Change is scary for a lot of people, and merging not just households, but two separate lives together, is definitely not easy. Some couples get bogged down by all the details, and when you are trying to blend two families with kids, this can be particularly challenging. If you are lucky enough to get to Phase III, let me just say this- plans do not have to be made overnight, nor do you have to tackle these issues all alone. Weigh your options about schools and available, affordable housing. Have honest and open discussions about realistic goals, including household budgets. Share your credit scores and sketch out your financial picture for the other. Read books about blended families, seek expert advice if you need to from a qualified mental health professional, get a legal opinion [...]
TomKat’s Divorce- A Lesson for Everyone
For those who will miss tonight's segment on Acesso Legal with my comments, here are some of the key points to be gleaned from Tom & Katie's divorce: (1) 50% of divorces occur within the first 7 years of marriage, so it is of no surprise that if things started going awry here, this was the perfect time to bail; (2) There is a 17 year age difference here-- Tom just turned 50, and Katie is 33. Research shows that women really grow into their own skin in their 30's and motherhood significantly changes many of us. Our priorities change, and children often become our primary focus, much to the chagrin of some partners. So, here we have a young mother going through a major transformation, and meanwhile, Tom, who is now 50 and already accustomed to being a father, is simply in a different stage of life. (3) If you have 2 parents with differing views on major issues, like religion, medical care and education, you are going to have some major clashes. These are fundamental areas that parents have to reach an agreement on if they are going to successfully co-parent their children. If the two can't decide, then some arbitrary person hearing the custody matter will wind up issuing an order that everyone will have to live with whether they like it or not. (4) Although I am not privy to the details of the prenup between these two, it is common practice for us to insert provisions about confidentiality in the event of a divorce and the need to quickly cooperate with mediation or a Collaborative Divorce, in order to resolve any issues outside of court and free from public scrutiny. So, while many might be shocked by the divorce and/or how quickly things got resolved, the fact is I am not-- but I am very proud of these two parents for working things out so expeditiously and privately in their daughter's best interest. While the marriage did not work out, they have a beautiful little girl, who deserves to have regular and frequent contact with both her parents, and a life with minimal drama. Kudos to Tom and Katie for not dragging her-- and us-- through a horrible public tug-of-war! By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
Kids & Love
This weekend, I got to enjoy a book that a family psychologist gifted to me: The 5 Love Languages of Children by Drs. Chapman & Campbell. I'm hoping to have her talk about this a bit when she comes on my new tv show, Making It Last, which will start airing this month. For all parents out there, I highly recommend this quick read, and the best endorsement I have is really my own experience with my son, who asked me about the book. The basic concept is that we each have a way we express love, and also how we receive it. Some of us care about quality time, for others gifts are important. Some care about positive affirmation, while others pay more attention to little acts of kindness. And then there are those that place the most emphasis on touch. The key is to not just know your love language, but also to know that of your loved ones. When I explained the love languages to my son, I clued him into my top two favorites-- touch and quality time. He thought about it and clued me into his, which is gifts. I already suspected as much based on my observations. Then we talked about the importance of learning the love language of our loved ones so we can make sure they are receiving the message that we love them. I also relayed to him that the book stated that at a certain age boys will not want public expressions of affection from their mothers, and that I have thought about it and prepared myself to deal with that reality whenever he felt it was time. Turns out, that time has come so we agreed on a fist bump as our public sign of affection, and after a few tries, I had it down. Today, I did the fist bump in the morning as he headed off to camp, and all was good. When we got home in the evening, I went to fix him a snack, and out of no where he came to give me a hug and spend some time with me. Amazing-- I heard him and he heard me! This confirms, that although I may be less involved in his academics these days, I along with every other parent willing to put in the time, can pass onto the next generation the gift of [...]
Embracing M.A.D. in Dating
Over the last 15 years, while helping couples dissolve their marriages, I've noticed one glaring problem that people could easily be more cognizant of upfront, while dating: power imbalances. These are never healthy in a relationship. For example, if one person controls all the finances while the other is completely incapable of balancing a check book; if one person is far more attractive and out-going than the other, or if one person's intellectual capacity far surpasses the other, these are all imbalances that can make the other one feel insecure, over-powered or perhaps unworthy. Maladaptive behaviors tend to creep into these relationships, which eventually lead to their demise, and then I get to see these power imbalances play out in the divorce. Having seen enough wreckage, I would like to suggest that while dating, more people embrace the concept of M.A.D.-- mutually assured destruction. It worked for years during the Cold War, and I believe it would transfer well into our vision of relationships in the 21st century, where the traditional marriage is dying out and increasingly we see people marrying their equals. There is an incredible amount of power that stems from the knowledge that you both have other options, that neither one needs the other to survive, that either one could pull the trigger at any time. In a relationship where power imbalances do not exist, and both are aware of M.A.D. as a distinct possibility, without ever actually threatening the other. It is more of a beautiful realization of true free will-- you stay with your partner not out of need, but by choice-- because you choose to share your life with that other person and you relinquish the power to go nuclear.