Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
With Relationships, Perfection Is The Enemy of Good
Voltaire is credited with the saying, "perfection is the enemy of the good." No where is that more appropriate than in personal relationships. No one is pefect-- we all have our flaws, and sadly those who are stubbornly waiting for Mr. or Ms. Perfect to come around are probably going to die alone. For those who are motivated to share your lives with someone, you need to learn to pick your battles. This applies during the dating phase, in marriages, and especially as a parent. The fact is whenever you are trying to co-exist with someone, in order to avoid a constant battle of wills, you have to learn when to give in a little and find compromise. You cannot always have your way, and everything will not always go according to your plans. I have learned to accept this, and instead I just do my checklist to make sure that the good outweighs the bad. I admit that my attitude adjustment didn't happen overnight, and in large part stems from having witnessed so many people throw away their spouses or friends like disposable Kleenex. Let me assure you that the grass is not always greener on the other side-- dating or living on your own post-divorce has a million challenges of its own. Therefore, if there is still good in what you have, maybe you can work to make it better or learn to tone-down that perfectionist inside you. What I see every day as a divorce lawyer is very sad, but I also see a lot of good-- people love their kids, and families will rally in a time of need. Unfortunately, in order to appreciate the good you sometimes have to experience some of the bad stuff. So, those who seek perfection will be sorely disappointed in life. Thankfully, by giving up my quest for perfection I have come to appreciate the true beauty in our flawed human existence and the bonds we choose to form while on this Earth. By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
Understanding Athletes
There is a small percentage of us that get to compete nationally, train at the Olympic Training Center, and enjoy the spotlight at an early age. I was very fortunate to have this experience, but I retired from rhythmic gymnastics after my freshman year at Georgetown, because I knew I did not want to be a professional athlete and that there was too much risk in taking a year off to train for the Olympic trials. Instead, I focused on becoming a lawyer, and building a national brand-- but making this shift was far from easy. Being a committed athlete is something that impacts your entire life-- it means you watch what you eat, you are dedicated to working out daily, you make sure to get adequate rest, and you sacrifice a huge part of your social life with others while training and traveling to competitions. Your sport is a huge part of your identity, and some will always remember you just this way. To this day, many of my former classmates write to me and say that whenever they watch the Olympic gymnasts they think of me. It is amazing that 20 years post-retirement, I still have people asking me if I'm involved at all in my former sport. Just to be clear-- I made a clean break when I retired, but the ability to perform and put up with major pressures are skills that have lasted me a lifetime. My former training still instilled key values in me, such as maintaining a disciplined life where I watch what I eat, make sure to get enough sleep and exercise, and I have never experimented with drugs. It also forced me to manage my time wisely and helped me become incredibly goal-oriented. Performing in public at a young age, made it possible for me to not be afraid to go on tv or radio, give public speeches, or share my thoughts nationally through publications and the social media. Undoubtedly, my trainers played a huge part in making me who I am today, but I want to make sure people understand that it all comes at a hefty price. I did not have a normal childhood. I was not well-grounded. I was conditioned to working under pressure, to try an exceed expectations, and I became addicted to external validation. I sought overall perfection and was very impatient with others not [...]
Comparisons Aren’t Always A Good Thing
In general, comparing notes can be helpful. In the business world, it's always good to know what the average compensation rate is for your particular field. In the athletic world, you need to know what your competitors are doing in order to stay in the game. As parents, it is incredibly helpful to know what other families have done in certain common situations, so that you can learn from each other. Even in dating, it is helpful to know what others have struggled with or found useful in order to better gauge your expectations-- but just beware that sometimes comparisons can be detrimental in relationships. I know a couple that got married after 3 months of dating, and they've been together for over 45 years; I also know another couple that dated for 9 years before getting married, and they then called it quits after 20 years. I've heard it all over the last 14 years while counseling people through a divorce or drafting the right prenup, and the one thing that is very clear is that there is no magic formula as to how long it should take a couple to commit- and no guarantees that it will last. We all have our own demons to battle, and depending on where we are in our own personal journey when love finds us, it may take us a while to truly fall in love, while others may find love at first sight. I do think that those of us that have been burned by a failed first marriage, need to give ourselves time to heal. We also need to re-evaluate our priorities. The second time around will not be like the first. Some say it's better, some say it's ten times more complicated-- each couple will experience it differently based on their own set of circumstances. What has become abundantly clear to me is that what works in one relationship may not work for another. Some people are fine with a long distance relationship and maintaining separate households indefinitely. Some will never, ever merge their money and keep everything separate. What may be motivating one couple to get married, may not be the same for a different pair. Bottom line is that love doesn't work on a concrete timeline that can be applied to everyone, so stop with the comparisons and do whatever works best for you. By Regina A. [...]
Recovering from a Failed Marriage
For many of us, divorce is a life-altering event. Those of us that do not wish to repeat that experience again, may opt to delve into our past, question our current choices, and think long and hard about the path we want to take in the future. For those of us that go deep, the more wounds we examine, the longer it may take before we are ready to commit to a serious relationship. Sadly, the stats show that over 70% of second marriages fail-- mainly because too many people mistakenly marry the rebound person, or don't take enough time to gain true insight into themselves or allow their wounds to heal. Wanting to avoid pain and seek pleasure is normal human nature, but in this particular case rushing into another relationship without giving yourself the opportunity to truly mourn the loss of your first marriage, may cause you a lot more pain down the road. Divorce has a devastating impact on a person's emotional and financial well being, and if there are children in the mix, it is particularly critical to shield them from volatile situations as much as possible. Recently, I came across two great books (1) The Truth About Stepfamilies and (2) Remarried with Children to help set realistic expectations about blended family situations. Merging two households later in life is not easy, but knowing what to expect and having the tools necessary to deal with issues as they arise is a wonderful step in the right direction. Thankfully, there are plenty of psychologists, family therapists, suuport groups and local parenting classes that are readily available to assist families navigate the road towards a second chance at happily ever after. I fully believe it can be done and that we can improve the current stats-- but first, you have to give yourself the time to heal. Recovery takes time, and it can vary from one person to the next, so just be patient and kind to yourself. By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
As Parents, We Need to Keep an Open Mind
This week on Cristina Radio, in connection with the whole Jackson family custody saga, I was able to weigh in on the importance of keeping an open mind with custody arrangements. The fact is that there can always be some change in circumstances that might necessitate a modification of the custody schedule. As kids grow up, they can endure more time away from each parent, such that extended overnights and fewer transitions may become a more appealing arrangment for the family. Some children become very passionate about sports and/or academic activities, and the parents will need to work together to promote the child's involvement in a variety of social opportunities. Divorced parents are also highly likely to remarry, and this change in the household dynamic has to be navigated very carefully-- not in a vacuum, but rather with everyone involved. The more open parents are to adapting as their family needs change, the better off everyone will be-- especially the children. Asking courts to deal with these kinds of issues should really be the last resort-- not only is the judicial system totally backlogged, but the adversarial nature of our legal system does little to promote goodwill within families. Seeking the assistance of a family therapist is a far better route, where children actually get a voice, and the goal is to create a win-win solution for everyone. For some, it may take some work to appreciate the value of sitting down and openly discussing issues with others, but if we love our children and want them to be well-functioning adults, then teaching them to model our behavior as they see their parents work through family problems outside of court is probably one of the best life lessons we can give them. By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
Intentional or Not? It Does Make a Difference.
We all get disappointed at times, and those of us with a strong, assertive personality tend to show our disappointment in an angry way, versus a more passive personality that would just get sad or shut down. Whether you can deal with your partner's conflict style is a key question for anyone contemplating a committed relationship-- and you should not delude yourself into thinking the style will change. Old habits die hard, and the fact is that those that we love are the ones that can hurt us the most. Our expectations of the closest to us are far greater than of anyone else around. So, whenever I feel the rise in disappointment or anger inside, when I am am trying to hit re-set, I start by asking myself whether my expectations were realistic. Also, I have to take into account whether the person that committed the transgression intentionally did something that hurt, or was it accidental? As a lawyer, it's been drilled into me that intent makes all the difference in the world, as does someone's word choice and any attempts to mitigate damages. Trying to have a difficult discussion when your emotions are raw is rarely productive. This is why it's important to give yourself as much time as you need to process what happened and calm down. Go for a walk, take a shower, maybe talk to someone else about the situation first to get a better perspective and try to get a good night's sleep before engaging in an open discussion of what went wrong. Not everyone is able to stay calm while talking about hurt feelings, and some people are simply incapable of apologizing or accepting any responsibility for the problems at hand. It does take two people willing to work together to find a way to resolve their conflict. By seeking an understanding of how the problem occurred, with a focus on finding a solution for the future versus trying to prosecute the other person, you should be able to de-escalate the situation quite effectively. To be in a committed relationship means more than just an agreement to be exclusive and to go out and have sex regularly-- those are great first steps, no doubt. However, a commitment to make things work means you accept there will be challenging moments and you will not walk away when that happens. Instead, you are agreeing to [...]
Divorce & Domestic Violence
Tonight on air I get to discuss domestic violence, which research suggests occurs at least once in most divorces-- and I do sincerely mean divorces in all socio-economic classes. Many incidents go unreported, however, and this is not just a female issue. I cannot tell you how many men are ashamed to discuss the violence they have endured. The biggest problem with this issue is that there are often no medical reports, pictures, witnesses or police reports. This means in court we are left with a he-said, she-said dilemma. Realizing that it is normal for tension to run high when a marriage is dissolving, most couples in my experience will often agree to a consent stay-away order, often without a finding of wrong doing in order to protect a person's ability to obtain security clearance or minimize any impact on someone's record. The legal system encourages people to seek anger management classes and will order supervised visits to ensure a child's safety when necessary. Rarely, however, will visitation completely be terminated, and most orders expire after one year unless the original order is violated. In most of my cases, these incidents wind up being the final wake-up call that the family needs to accept just how dsyfunctional things have gotten and that a separation is truly what is best. Too often I have heard people say they should have left sooner-- that they let "minor" incidents go in order to keep the family together for the sake of the children. Unfortunately, without some major intervention, bad incidents usually just get worse, and it is well documented that exposing children to unsafe conditions can have a detrimental affect that will last a lifetime. As soon as one person starts to feel threatened or believes that s/he is unsafe in any way, it is important to gather information as to what your legal options are and seek some psychological counseling. Simply hoping things will improve is not an option when domestic violence creeps into your relationship-- love is supposed to be a nurturing gift, not one that leaves you with a black eye or worse. By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
Lessons from Our Fathers
My very first trial involved an unwed father, who wanted to spend quality time with his son. He did not just want to be an alternating weekend dad, which the mother thought was more than enough. Thankfully, the court agreed with me, and found that it was in the child's best interest to have both parents share physical custody. Ever since then, I have always had a special soft spot for dads willing to step up and be a part of their kids lives, although until recently when I finally found my own father, I could not comprehend the impact these men would have on their children. Six years ago, the late Tim Russert compiled letters from sons and daughters about their fondest memories of their fathers. "Wisdom of Our Fathers" received very positive reviews, but fearing that I would not truly be able to appreciate it, I held off reading it-- until now. I am so glad I finally was able to enjoy the stories of all these children, now grown, sharing little pieces of how their fathers helped to shape them. A recurring theme seems to be that while many men indeed focused on providing for their families, little acts of kindness and/or meaningful talks at a pivotal moment in a child's life, later had a profound and lasting impact in the lives of their offspring. I am so glad that I finally have my own stories that I will always treasure about the moments I have been able to share with my dad in the last year and a half. The best lesson I've learned from my dad is that timing is everything. Perhaps 39 years ago he was not ready to be a dad, and I had to go on my own ridiculous journey for the next 38 years before I was ready to be his daughter and become a big sister. Things do happen for a reason, and rather than question everything, I am finally learning to enjoy the ride and stop the search for the Master Plan-- if there is one, I'm pretty sure a copy is not lying around here on Earth. By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
The Oedipus Complex Revisited
The Oedipus complex, as expanded upon by Freud, has been re-worked in modern psychology to suggest that there is a normal development phase where boys will want to be like their dads and marry their moms. At first that might seem a bit weird to some, but actually it makes sense-- in a healthy family situation, if the mother and son bond is loving and safe, why wouldn't a child want to find someone eventually that has qualities strongly resembling his mom? With this in mind, at an age appropriate moment, I think it is important to start drilling in the notion that being a mom is not interchangeable with being someone's personal chef, maid, and glorified chauffer. I love the fact that my son sees me as a working professional, who is recognized as an expert in her field. He sees me manage money and balance a household budget without any outside assistance, and I have no doubt that he fully understands how much I value intelligence, independance and responsiblity. I may not live to see him get married, but if and when he does, I never want him to feel the pressure of being the sole provider for an entire family. I have seen throughout the years with my own divorce clients, the negative impact that kind of stress causes on a couple. To be viewed as nothing more than an ATM is no way to live.My generation of men, and those before them, sadly were trained to provide financially-- that was the sole focus back then. Problem is that my generation of women were taught to hunt for themselves, and it was drilled into us that we can do anything a man can do-- maybe even better. Knowing this, the fact that someone can provide financially is never going to be enough for my female peers, and for future generations it is imperative that we teach them a variety of life skills, including the art of communication and compromise, as well as the ability to share in all household responsiblities. Only time will tell whether our efforts will pay off as parents, but keeping in mind the importance of modeling appropriate behavior is a huge step in the right direction.
There Are No Guarantees
Every day as a divorce lawyer, I see people face the sad reality that their "happily ever after" has come to a crashing end. I myself got married never expecting it would end in a divorce, with my son being raised in two households. And yet, once you re-adjust to your new life and your new identity, you come to accept what should be an obvious reality in life: there are no guarantees in anything. Those willing to date again re-enter that scene post-divorce with a much more tainted view on relationships than those that have never married or had a spouse pass away. (By tainted, I don't necessarily mean jaded, but it is undeniable that divorce leaves a lasting impact on someone-- you can always hope for the best, but you just never know if it's truly going to last.) And if you are a parent, you then have the added challenge of wanting to shield your kids from any further loss while still showing them that life does go on. When dating post-divorce as a parent, it is important not to let the kids see a revolving door of people. You don't want to send the message that people just come and go in life, and you definitely don't want them to get attached to someone and then have that person disappear. This is known to create major attachment issues, and that is the last thing any of us want for our children. If you can, resist the urge to introduce kids to someone you are dating for at least a few months. Then, ever so slowly, you can start to integrate the kids into some of your activities, but avoid sleepovers for awhile. I understand that these self-imposed limitations may not been easy, but you have to proceed with great caution for the sake of your kids, who will need time to adjust to the fact that you are in a relationship with someone other than their parent. Be prepared to answer a lot of questions, and make sure you check-in regularly with your kids, especially before you start making any plans about moving in together or getting married (which should not occur until you have been together at least a year). If you need help discussing any transitions, don't hesitate to reach out to the school's counselor or a family therapist. You can never be too [...]