Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
How Does a BIA, PC and/or CPA Help Families in Court?
In most jurisdictions, the standard for determining custody is: what is in the child's best interest? When parents cannot agree on the answer to this basic question, the court will often defer to experts. There are mental health professionals that can conduct custody evaluations. After meeting with the children, their parents, and other key figures in the children's life, the custody evaluator will make a recommendation as to the best custodial arrangement for the kids. These recommendations are not binding, although they carry substantial weight, and then each side still gets to present his/her case. Here are some other players in the courtroom: BIA= best interest attorney PC= Parent Coordinator CPA= Child Privilege Attorney A "BIA," is an attorney, who is usually appointed by the court to represent the kids, and presumably give them a voice in the court proceedings. As a BIA, I get to participate in discovery, call all the collateral witnesses, meet with my client at both homes, then alone, and cross-examine all the witnesses at trial. When therapists are involved, a Child Privilege Attorney ("CPA") may be assigned to the kids in order to determine if their patient-therapist privilege should be waived. Obviously, when we are talking about BIAs and CPAs, we are discussing the most contentious, high-conflict cases out there. High conflict cases make up about 20% of the court's docket, but they are the most time-consuming and the ones most likely to wind up going to trial, where normally there is only a 5% chance of a trial. Afterwards, these families are usually encouraged to work out future issues with a Parent Coordinator ("PC"). A PC may be an attorney or mental health professional. They essentially act as arbitrators that can break an impasse when parents cannot agree on an issue, thereby sparing the family the need to return to court. Because of the complicated nature of these roles, only experienced professionals are assigned these cases, and thankfully we all know each other and can assist families in these situations. By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
Before Those Wedding Bells Ring…
Weddings are such a great cause for celebration-- two people have found each other and fallen in love, then gone a step further in deciding they want to try and spend the rest of their lives together. From the outside, it seems like pure joy-- but for many couples dealing with the logistics and finances, it can be a bit overwhelming. Picking a venue, then the menu, the florist, the entertainment, the photographer, etc. are all major decisions, and typically not everyone is on the same page as to the size of the wedding, the budget, or other random details. My recollection was that it was a very stressful time leading up to the final moment. In fact, I was so stressed that the night before my wedding, I lost my voice. Thankfully, it doesn't have to be this way-- there are experts out there that are able to help de-code this whole process and can facilitate with narrowing down some options and setting realistic expectations within a couple's budget. I recently had the pleasure of interviewing Jodi Moraru of Evoke, who is a professional wedding planner in DC. Our segment airs this week, and I have to admit it was a lot of fun learning about her work and looking at the various pictures from past events she has put together! Her design team has put together some of the classiest events in DC, and with over 20 years of experience in the industry, I have no doubt she's learned to smooth over the most stressful situations. Bottom line is that it's not a wedding without some drama, and at the end of the day you just have to remember that you are celebrating the union of two people. It is not an easy process for two individuals to merge-- especially with a number of family members weighing in with their opinions (whether solicited or not), so just remember that it is all part of the right of passage, and if you think you need a buffer or find the details are too much to deal with on your own, ask for help. Experts exist for a reason-- and in this case, it is so you and your guests can enjoy your special celebration. By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
9/11- A Day of Reflection for Many
I rarely remember what the weather was like on a particular day-- especially over a decade later, but I will never forget the clear blue skies and the perfect morning on that fateful day of 9/11. From such a glorious beginning, it is amazing how quickly all hell broke loose. When I got to work, one tower had already been hit-- soon after the other was hit, and we got word that the Pentagon had also been struck. One block from the White House, our building went into lockdown mode and snipers appeared on nearby rooftops. With no ability to call anyone and traffic jams everywhere, it was impossible to figure out what to do right away. I had never felt so helpless in my life. Eventually, I walked home in a frightened, along with many, many others whose cars were simply inaccessible. Later I would learn that one of my high school classmates, Todd Isaac, was a victim trapped in one of the NYC towers when it collapsed. Life for those of us that survived has gone on, but it definitely has never been the same again. Americans once oblivious to the dangers out there now are painfully aware that we have many enemies, not all easily identifiable. And yet, amazingly the human spirit continues to triumph over tragedy. Many of my former classmates have gone on to have children of their own, and as we struggle to achieve a work-life balance, we are trying to keep our children safe and raise them with sufficient skills to help them survive. More importantly, we want to instill them with hope that they will have promising futures. In that same vein, a group of Todd's friends created a scholarship in his name, and thus far have raised over $500,000 to help underprivileged children secure a stellar education. This weekend, there will be a basketball tournament in his name, and many of his friends will be there to celebrate his life. It is stories like Todd's that continue to provide me with hope for humanity. His friends rose above the tragedy and turned it into an opportunity to honor his legacy. In our individual way, we should all aspire to do the same. Life is full of crosses that we have to bear, but it is how you choose to bear that cross that defines you. Todd and I both went to Andover [...]
When Blending Families- Proceed with Caution
After going through a divorce, it is such an incredible feeling to find love again-- but if you have kids from your first marriage, you have to rein in some of your enthusiasm and make sure you do not move things along too quickly. Children are fragile, and if they have already had to live through one major disruption to their household structure, they may not really share your enthusiasm about all of the sudden combining households with some strangers. If you have an only child, that little person probably has no clue what it is like to share mommy or daddy's time, or toys, or space with anyone else. How do you prep a child for this rude awakening of real life? Very slowly and gently. How can a child possibly imagine how much fun it may soon be to have a step parent or step-sibling, unless you explain the benefits? Focus on the positives and find work-arounds for some of the problematic issues. For example, you may not be able to force a child to share his toys, in which case, you need to set up a rule that if you don't want to share, they need to stay in your room. How do you avoid turf wars? The easiest way to do this if at all possible is to not have one person move in with the other, but rather, you get a whole new place together. New house, new rules. This way no one gets blamed as the "meanie" that has now ruined things as they once were. Change is scary to kids-- even to some adults. I embrace change, but that is because I developed a high tolerance for this early on. As adults, we need to minimize the anxiety for our kids by providing reassurance. Let them know it is okay to voice concerns. Help them learn that change is a normal part of life, and many changes are actually exciting and can be quite good. Giving kids a heads up and realistic time-frame will help, but be prepared for some tears. For them, this might well be the final realization that any hope of a reconciliation between their parents is gone. It is a simple fact of life--our joy is not always shared by others, so don't expect a child to do cartwheels when you announce that you've fallen in love with someone [...]
Setting Clear Boundaries– especially with FUBARs
There are a lot of manipulative people out there, and although it is human nature to want to get your way, there are some that don't know where to draw the line. They are incapable of compromising and want their way at any expense to others. Any sense of remorse or the ability to apologize just isn't within their capacity. Throughout the years, I have had to help people extricate themselves from incredibly unhealthy relationships. There is an overwhelming percentage of the adult population that seems to lack coping skills when dealing with stress, and as a result they use others as their punching bags (verbally, physically, or both). I can't tell you how many cases of addiction I have encountered throughout my years as a divorce lawyer, and thankfully as part of the additional training I pursued post-law school, I learned a great deal about various disorders, including high conflict personalities aka "HCPs." Bill Eddy has written many books about these personality disorders, and there is even a High Conflict Institute that disseminates information on how to deal with HCPs, which may be about 20% of our population according to some NIH studies. Of course these experts are way nicer than I am going to be here-- these people are toxic, and as soon as your gut starts to tell you something is off, trust your instincts. We all have demons to conquer, but let me be blunt-- some people have simply suffered too much trauma and may well be f--d up beyond all recognition. There is a reason "FUBAR" exists as a term, and we need to accept that not everyone can be saved. While it is my job during the day to save people, off the clock I enjoy being around friends and loved ones that have their s--t together. Sure, we all have problems that come up, but some individuals are just constant problem accumulators. In my personal life, I no longer have any room left for FUBARs. Unfortunately, not everyone can avoid dealing with these difficult people, in which case you need to start setting clear boundaries, which are meant to protect you. True FUBARs are going to interpret these boundaries as personal attacks. They may throw out ultimatums and create no-win situations, part of their classic routine. Ultimately, breaking away may be the only choice you are left with, and it will probably not [...]
Planning for Major Life Events
Most of us are aware of the need to plan for major events-- like a birth, a wedding, buying a house, etc. Yet so few people actually plan for death-- and many try to avoid the subject all together. What is up with that? If you don't deal with certain issues ahead of time, you are going to find yourself dealing with a crisis, or worse dumping the problem on your loved ones. Today's guest on my t.v. show, which will air next week, wrote a book "The Ulimtate To Do List When Your Loved One Dies." Donna Vincent Roa did an incredible job of covering the entire process of dealing with someone's death-- and sadly her inspiration for writing the book stemmed from the sudden passing of her own mother. There are very few comprehensive resources out there that explain what you need to do, and as I read through her book it struck me that it is in many ways like planning a wedding, only you have 3 days to find the venue, caterer, florist, musicians, etc. There is an incredible amount of work that goes into the celebration of one's life, which is essentially how we should view a funeral. We all know it is inevitable, and if we care about making life easier for those we love, we can't avoid this discussion. Her checklists are very helpful, but what fascinated me the most I have to say was this growing trend for a green funeral. There is actually a Green Burial Council, and on their site they have a planning guide you can download to help plan a more environmentally-friendly exit. Fortunately, I have not had to plan a funeral yet, but this book has given me a lot of food for thought, and I'm looking forward to when our segment airs next week. So many people want to avoid tough discussions, but if you love someone, you need to have these candid talks sooner rather than later. We never know when death will come knocking on our door, but we can be prepared, and hopefully we will choose not to shift burdens onto others with things in absolute chaos versus leaving here peacefully, with dignity and grace. By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
Wait Nine Months–Or More When Dating
Normally, it takes nine months to make a baby, and once that baby goes off to school it will take that child nine months to complete a grade level all the way through college. So as adults, I suggest you continue with this nine month marker before making any major commitment in a relationship, i.e. an engagement or shaking up together. Why? Because in the beginning of a relationship everyone is on their best behavior, and very few are open about their buried issues. You are both enjoying the high of the honeymoon phase (which may even last up to two years), but to really know someone it takes time. Only over the course of several months do you get to meet each other's family and friends, learn to resolve conflict, build trust and gain understanding of one another. To get to the point where you are fully committed, and can see yourself being with someone for the rest of your life, you need to experience both momentous occassions and every day occurences. As one of my friends jokingly says, until you've been together a full year-- how do you know that on Halloween that guy doesn't turn into a werewolf and howl at the moon? Another one likes to say that until you've had a knock-down drag out fight, you truly don't know each other. Of course, once you have gathered all your information, there does come a point in every relationship where you need to decide where you are heading. No one likes to live out of a suitcase, and commuting in traffic does get quite taxing, but these alone are insufficient reasons to move in with someone, although they can be factors that drive a conversation about the status of the relationship. Remembering that no one likes to feel pressured to make a decision is key-- also it is important to note that depending on the baggage someone brings to the situation, it may be necessary to wait longer before delving into a deep discussion about the future. Ultimately, it takes two willing participants to decide they want to move to the next level, and if one lacks that motivation the other either needs to be patient or consider moving on. Things definitely seem to move faster as people get older-- but try not to rush things. Buying a house, moving in together, merging finances, etc. [...]
What is the big deal with turning 40?
Throughout the years, a recurring theme with my clients has been this "mid-life crisis" moment that one partner seems to have, and then the whole family's world is being turned upside down. Meanwhile, as some of my friends started to approach 40, I witnessed them get a bit weird, sometimes a little melancholy. Many guys that I have met have described women experiencing complete meltdowns around their 40th birthdays, and all the while that I was taking in all these stories, I never really understood why-- until now. Turns out 40 is the common "ah-ha" moment for many, and although it should be a time to celebrate, it really depends on whether you are ready for it. As my own 40th birthday approaches at rapid speed, I find myself in an amazing state of calm-- but many factors have played into that, most of which truly occurred not by design, but rather pure serendipity. Many see 40 as the half-way point in life, but I never saw it that way so I packed a lot in during my first four decades: I loved being an athlete and scholar in my early years- then I was able to travel significantly and live abroad prior to getting married and establishing my legal career. Although my marriage did not work out, we did have a wonderful child as a result of that union, and he has brought me more joy than I could ever imagine. Despite the divorce, I did not lose all hope and managed to maintain a good co-parenting relationship with my ex while facing many buried issues from the past. Luckily, I managed to track down my father last year, and in the process found this whole amazingly caring family that is now a part of my regular life. As a result, I can face my 40th birthday with absolute peace in my heart-- I have no regrets; I have lived life to its fullest; I have experienced many great joys, and not allowed the disappointments to crush my spirit. I have loved and lost, but mostly I see it all as one big lesson, without which I would not be where I am today. To those with a milestone coming up, let me say this-- 40 is a big deal, and if you have regrets, you need to address them as quickly as possible. If you are not at [...]
Fireworks & Buckets
Some of us are originally wired to put people into one of only two buckets-- they are either in or out; you either like them or you don't. Sadly, this leaves people with a very small margin of error, and as a result first impressions count for a tremendous amount. But as it turns out, some people can talk a great game in the beginning, and others need more time to warm up and share parts of themselves with others. In dating, I have found that instead of an in-or-out mentality, which can be overly harsh, it might be better to create 3 buckets: (1) yes; (2) no; and (3) maybe. With this latter category, I try to suspend judgment and not expect a "wow" moment right away. Letting go of the fireworks isn't easy, but as more than one friend has pointed out to me those with fireworks in the beginning have a proven tendency to burnout quickly. Under the "wow" spell (which may be induced by someone's looks, smarts or charm), we have tendency to ignore some pretty major red-flags, so perhaps when you come to this realization, you may want to implement a different approach. As a romantic, it may be really hard to let go of the love-at-first-sight scenario, but after enough of these relationships go up in flames, you may want to consider an approach that prevents you from getting burnt. Try to appreciate what they mean when they say the slow and steady burn is far more durable and enjoyable. Finding love the second time around, when you are older (and hopefully a bit wiser) is totally different from when you were in your 20's and much more care-free. The wow now stems from a different point of view-- it's less about big promises and grandiose gestures, and much more about keeping your word, following through and showing kindness on a daily basis. To be able to trust someone these days, when we are all so surrounded by temptation, and to be able to rely on the consistency of someone's love and affection creates a far deeper "wow" than any of the fireworks displays out there. So try going at a slow and steady pace, instead of fast and furious-- this is not a race, and even if you see it that way in dating what you want is someone that will go the [...]
Making a Clean Break
In today's Washington Post there was an article about break-ups in the age of modern technology. As a divorce attorney, I've obviously been involved with many break-ups over the past 14 years, not including those in my personal life over the last 20 years. One thing is clear- technology has definitely made it easier for many to limit their communications and rein in their emotions by sticking to text and email versus an actual phone call or in person meeting. Depending on how long you have been together, however, text or email won't always cut it, and if you have stuff you need to exchange, there is no avoiding the in-person meeting. Whatever method you use, I strongly encourage people to try and keep it civil-- short and sweet is often best. Also remember that not every email or text requires a response, and sometimes silence can say it all. If you have to say something, just remember that things can go viral fast. While there is that old adage "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned,"men are quickly proving themselves to be hot heads too these days-- if you disagree, I just have 2 words: revenge porn. To both sexes, my advice would be don't say or do anything that would embarrass your mom. The best thing to do is try to exit cleanly, with your dignity intact. Instead of telling someone all the reasons s/he is so lousy, try sticking to some oldies but goodies: 1. I have a lot on my plate right now, or I am just too busy to date right now. (Translation: you really aren't going to rank as a priority in my life.) 2. I am not ready to commit to anyone right now. (Translation: you are NOT the one for me, and I want to keep my options open.) 3. There is just something missing, there isn't that extra something here. (Translation: You are just not hot enough, nice enough or smart enough for me.) 4. I still have a lot of issues I need to work through. (Translation: I'm not over my past relationship(s) and being with you isn't really helping me make any progress.) 5. This isn't working for me.(Translation: I think I can be way happier with someone else.) If you share custody of a child, you definitely have an added incentive to keep things civil. But let's [...]