Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
Fifty Shades of Clarity
I admit that I wanted to understand what all the buzz was about, so I finally downloaded Fifty Shades of Grey onto my Kindle and zipped through it, even though I totally couldn't relate. The Grey character (the dom) I totally got, but the Ana character (the sub) not at all. Nonetheless, there are a couple of great take-aways that came from this book: 1. Explore your limits- I do think that you need to test your limitations, and as you mature you do need to own up to which way you have a tendency to lean. It's about finding your own comfort zone through trial and error. 2. Own It. Don't try to be someone you are not, and make no apologies for who you are. It's particularly important to recognize if you have a dominant and competitive personality-- because the fact is you will clash with your own kind when trying to form an intimate personal relationship. Trying to date my own species was a complete fail that I never fully understood until I read this book, but now I do. The power struggles never end, and my inability to fully relinquish control would never sit well with someone similarly wired like me. To find balance, which I have been striving for a lot in the last few years, I think you need the ying and yang forces in play. Of course, that comes with a whole other set of challenges-- because you need to appreciate the virtues of someone that is a different breed. I'll save that for another blog, but gaining 50 shades of clarity while enjoying some good recreational visuals is 50 shades of fantastic as far as I'm concerned.
Politics & Love
On Election Day, I guess it is only fitting that I cover something I try to avoid discussing on this blog-- politics. The fact is that over the years I have really become disenchanted with our political system, and as I've focused more on my own causes-- being a good mother, lawyer and educator, I've spent a lot less time paying attention to all the ads, debates and campaigns. Because politics is not one of my priorities, I have been able to date people with vastly different political views. Sadly, a lot of people seem out of sorts this year with very impassioned arguments about why others should vote their way. Try to remember this-- the beautiful thing about America is that we are all entitled to form our own opinions and express them as much as we want. It is not my job to try and convert people to see everything my way, and in a partner, I just want someone that loves me and respects me. You can simply agree to disagree! Now that I have cast my votes, I'm looking forward to putting all these political discussions behind us, but I am glad that we had them. Election years are a really good test for people to internally examine just how important certain topics are to them, and how much they can tolerate alternate views. There is no right or wrong answer on this-- it is just what works for you-- but if you can't stand listening to the alternate view, then you really should bring up politics early on in your dates. In the dating world I became exposed to a much broader world than what I was used to in my Ivy League towers. I have learned that we don't all cherish the same causes, and also that as we mature, these causes can change-- which is how some couples married for many years now find themselves on opposite ends of the political spectrum. Plenty of my married friends have essentially agreed not to discuss politics in order to preserve marital bliss, and I honestly commend them for setting up this boundary. Let's be real- it is so hard to find a decent human being that you can connect with and trust. Am I going to dump someone because they lean more to the right and I'm more to the left??? I don't think so, but [...]
Step Families– they deserve some real kudos!
Apparently there are about 80 Million step families in the US. These families deserve some major props. It is hard enough for two adults with different backgrounds to find compromise ground, learn each other's love languages and how to communicate effectively and resolve conflict. At least they have a desire to understand each other's past and forgive one another's mistakes, to detach from negative influences and take a chance on a completely new life-- all of these are major first steps, but then there is the added challenge a few little people with their own set of concerns and already established patterns. Finding a compromise house that fits everyone's criteria can be very difficult, and once that home is identified you still face commuting issues for kids, re-arranging schedules, having to discuss new rules for a new house, and you need to address the household budget, taking into account differences that may result from one child being in the house only half the time, while someone else may have multiple kids that are around more often. Going through furniture, art, and other stuff that will not survive the merger can also be very emotional, but that is nothing compared to the work it wil take teaching kids to share their parents' time with others. This is precisely why experts suggest that you take your time blending families, and it explains why the odds are so stacked against blended families in terms of success-- they have about a 30% chance of survival. Finding a good support network and asking for help when you get overwhelmed, are key. Luckily, most step families are very open in sharing their stories of trials and tribulations. Together, we can hopefully help each other and change those statistics towards a more favorable rate of success. By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
The Magical Boiling Point
Too often I think we let things go, and we keep letting more things go, until one day, magically, we hit this boiling point, and it all comes spilling out. At that point, you can't go on ignoring issues and you need to focus, because now it is decision time-- what are you going to do about this problem? In the past, whenever I hit this boiling point, my M.O. was to walk away. Filled with immense disappointment and void of any hope, I would leave and go set for a new course. I've done it since I was 8-- learned to cut people out and relied on my extroverted nature to find some new and interesting connections. This is exactly why I became so good so fast at being the handmaiden of death in the divorce world. But something really funny happened a few years ago, I realized that others did not actually share my view of the boiling point. Mediators, psychologist, and Collaborative Professionals see a crisis moment as an opportunity for families to address unresolved issues- rather than run from conflict, they embrace it. They took me under their tutelage, and I discovered a whole new way of thinking-- at least when it comes to family ties. For the last few years, I've embraced the crisis moment in a whole new way with my clients, and in the last few years this approach has spilled over into my family life. I have to admit, the boiling point still sucks when it happens, but when you appreciate the ties that bind you, and you realize that walking away is not an option, then amazingly plenty really can find a way to work things out. Maybe not overnight, and maybe not at all the way anyone thought it would play out, but I have to say, I'm enjoying having a lot less blood on my hands these days. Don't get me wrong, the handmaiden of death is not at all retired, but her softer side is shining more brightly these days.
Help Kids Understand the Impact of a College Degree
It's amazing to think that in this affluent country we live in only about 25% of the US population obtain a Bachelor's Degree. Those that do will make about 75% more than their counterparts without a degree; they are also more likely to get married and far more likely to stay together. The economic and social advantages just continue to increase exponentially for those with higher education degrees, so really it is a no-brainer that as responsible parents we have to help our kids navigate the complex application process and set aside money for college as soon as possible. According to Nancy Leopold of College Tracks (who will be my tv guest this week), the number of available college seats has not drastically changed in the last 20 years, meanwhile the number of applicants have skyrocketed. Many in-state schools now cost as much as $30,000 per year, and the FAFSA guidelines presume that parents will contribute towards college. The last thing you want to do is have a child go into tremendous debt as they start off life, but sadly for some there is no other option. Nancy's organization is a local non-profit that helps kids apply for college and works with families so they understand the financial packages being offered by various schools. Staffed with over 40 volunteers, College Tracks begins by helping high school students identify appropriate target schools, complete their essays, schedule the SATs, etc. For those whose parents have never been through the process, this is an invaluable service. As I did the interview, I had lots of flashbacks of my own college application process, and I truly appreciated more than ever all that my scholarship program did for me. The Scholars Program in New York took us on a college tour the summer before our senior year, and that is how I became acquainted with Georgetown. The Program also helped match me with internships each summer that I was in high school, so by the time I was writing my essays for college, I had a pretty nice resume and outstanding recommendation letters. Between the Program's coordinators and the advisors I had in boarding school, I was given an incredible fighting chance at a bright future-- the only thing no one warned me about was the debt. Back then the philosophy was get into the best schools you can get into and don't worry about [...]
Time to Choose: Split Up Before or After the Holidays?
As Thanksgiving approaches, the question I get most often from clients is whether to split now or after the holidays? It's a tough call to make, and very personal. In typical lawyer fashion, I tell everyone it depends on you-- if you are the type of person that can keep it together and will enjoy the time with your spouse and kids, then it might be best for everyone if you could grin and bear it until Dec. 31st so that the holidays in the future will not be associated with any negative connotations. However, if you can't stand to be in the same house a day longer and/or there is a lot of bickering going on already, then it might be a relief to everyone if the split occured prior to the holidays. If the kids are so little that they won't recall anything, then the timing may not matter as much, but when you have older children that are going to remember certain events like when mommy or daddy left the house, you have to be super sensitive to their emotional safety. The other big factor to consider is money. Can you afford to move out and still help support your kids' expenses or contribute to the mortgage? You need to run your monthly expenses and determine if you can rent another place, or else you may need to crash with your parents or friends. I cannot tell you how many people in this economy have had to move back in with their parents or another relative-- a harsh reality for anyone over 25. Keep in mind, you will also have new expenses like attorney's fees and perhaps child support. Someone may even request temporary alimony during the split, which could really create havoc on your budget. To better understand the consequences of moving out, and review the pros and cons of a split, wise people go and get a consult before making any major decisions. It is so much easier to help someone plan properly in order to avoid a disaster versus having to clean up a mess that has already been created. Remember, divorce is like an amputation- we are cutting out a part of your life, and you can either do it methodically with a surgeon or do it yourself with a butcher's knife. I'd like to see people avoid a blood bath and enjoy [...]
Friend or Frenemy? True Colors Emerge When You Fall in Love
A true friend is someone that supports you, and while they may not agree with all your choices, they will respect that it is your life to live as you see fit. Whereas, a frenemy is someone who acts like a friend- so long as you act the way they want you to act, but the second you deviate from the behavior they expect of you, they turn on you and can turn into your worst enemy. Over the years, my friends have dated people that I may not have necessarily been thrilled with, or vice a versa, and of course, we have all voiced some concerns along the way, but we've also always known when to shut up and let someone figure certain things out on their own. There is a line that you cannot cross-- we all should have boundaries-- and those that violate our boundaries enter into dangerous territory that could get themselves ex-communicated. It is always sad when a friend becomes less available because s/he has found a partner, but the joy you have for them should outweigh your own sadness if you are a true friend. If instead you put up a fuss, make ultimateums and generally become a thorn on someone's side, you will soon find yourself out in the cold, completely. The lesson for all of us here is this: you need to go with your heart, and accept that not everyone will be happy with your choices in life. If someone doesn't respect your choices, you need to set clear boundaries early on, and if those boundaries are not respected, you need to cut all ties. Sometimes, especially with frenemies, you need to act like the Moussad-- there is no room for negotiation with terrorists. Take no prisoners, just take them down and out. By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
Dishing About Dating in the 21st Century
Tonight on my show, Making It Last, I get to dish about one of my favorite topics-- dating in the 21st century. Keep in mind that it is only in the last 10 years that modern technology has really changed the game around. Online dating is how 25% of all couples meet; the rest usually meet organically either through friends, work or in school. Regardless of how people meet, in order to maintain a relationship in today's modern world, they need to become super apt at communicating via email, text, FB and phone. Expectations are ridiculously high that you'll be instantly available, and as a result I think the rate of crashing and burning is increasing exponentially. People-- this is not a race. Dating should be a fun social experiment. You learn what you like, what you don't, you figure out where you have room to compromise, and no one should take it personally if there are some things you just cannot negotiate. The people that go the extra mile of hiring a dating coach are serious about finding a life partner. These are people on a mission, but some of us are just not motivated in that way. Many may not be clear about what they want in a partner, meanwhile others are crystal clear about the traits they are seeking in a spouse. There is no wrong or right way to approach dating, as long as you are honest. Ultimately, the more you go in with an open mind, and an open heart, the better off you will be-- and for your own sanity, just try your best to avoid one thing: setting ultimateums. No one likes to be forced to make a choice, even though there are certain ones that are inevitable. After a few months of casually dating you do need to assess where you are heading. Maybe after a year, if there is a commute involved, eventually someone needs to pose the question of whether there is any intention of ending that situation by finding compromise ground. If there is a toxic person that is hovering over the couple like a dark cloud, either you both agree to move away or you need to part ways. Once you are contemplating the idea of playing house together, serious talks need to occur about money and life goals. If one person wants a family and the other [...]
The Importance of Closure Conversations
Over the last 14 years as a divorce lawyer, I've seen a lot of crap. The worst, however, is when someone is blind-sided by the divorce. It may seem hard to believe, but some spouses had no idea that anything was wrong, and to add insult to injury the other spouse often leaves without ever giving an explanation. Maybe those that quietly exit are trying to avoid a confrontation or want to spare the other person from any unpleasantness that may bubble to the surface during a last encounter. Perhaps the goal is to not say anything further to hurt the other, but the fact is that if you leave a person in the dark as to what went wrong, you leave that person always wondering, always doubting, and perhaps preventing them from ever being able to move forward. How can you learn from your mistakes if no one ever tells you what you are doing wrong? Whether it is a friend, relative or lover that I have walked away from, I have always tried to give some insight as to why the relationship is being terminated. There are ways to have these discussions without obliterating the other person's ego-- you may have to prep for it, think in advance of what you need to say, as well as what doesn't need to be said. No doubt these talks are hard, but there is no crueler punishment in my opinion that to end a long-term relationship without explanation. Perhaps you may not be ready to have it right away, we all need time to calm down sometimes and gain perspective, but at some point, it is the humane thing to do. By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
The Importance of Having a Good Life Panel
In the legal world, you can't have one person act as prosecutor, judge and jury. The whole American system in fact is set up on the premise that we need checks and balances to avoid an abuse of power. So how about applying the same concepts in your personal life? When I get mad, I know my judgment is clouded-- that is why I have a panel. My go-to people who can weigh in and help me see things from a different perspective. Some people rely on just a BFF-- there are so many problems with that, but here are just a few: 1) friends come & go from your life, you can't have all your eggs in one basket; 2) ideally, you marry your best friend, and your spouse is bound to piss you off-- so you need someone else to peel you back off the ledge every now and then; 3) sometimes people have their own agenda or their perspective may be tainted by their own past. There are of course times when you won't have time to convene a panel, and a decision must be made on the spot. When that happens, you need to go with your gut. As Malcolm Gladwell said in Blink, sometimes what seem like snap decisions are actually a reflection of our cumulative life experiences. That said, sometimes our judgment is tainted by biases we may not be aware of, so this is why whenever I have the luxury of time, and I'm not sure that I am seeing something from all the different angles, I rely on my panel-- just like I would in a divorce case involving a variety of experts. Clients going through a divorce often rely on a life-panel because they realize they are in a vulnerable place, where their emotions may cloud their judgment. Lawyers themselves often ask other colleagues for a second opinion when they think they may be too aligned with their clients because it's essential to see all points of view prior to entering settlement negotiations or going to trial. Over the past decade, my own panel has helped me tremendously by pointing out some blind spots that I was overlooking because I was simply way too focused on the end in mind. I am eternally grateful to have learned the importance of having a panel early on, and I hope others will think [...]