Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
Coping With an Identity Crisis
My first identity crisis occured when I retired from the world of competitive gymnastics. From traveling all over and training with some of the best athletes in the world, it was a hard shift to become a "normal" person at 18. The partying lifestyle of college probably masked a lot of the internal loss I was trying to process, and by my senior year I managed to pull it together. I landed a job at a big firm in New York and moved in with my boyfriend, who later became my husband, and life kind of just moved on. The next big identity crisis hit me when I became a mom at age 31. How was I going to manage the demands of being a downtown lawyer while playing a significant role in my child's life? I wanted to have my cake and eat it too, but soon realized that wasn't going to happen. So, I embraced my role as a mother and opened my own firm, taking on a tremendous risk that it may not all pan out. Fortunately, my career and son both thrived, but it was my marriage that fell threw the cracks. At 32, I found myself as a self-employed, divorced, single mom-- that was definitely not what I had in mind for my life, and so here I was now facing identity crisis #3. The singles scene was initially very weird and foreign to me after being away for over a decade. Luckily, I made 2 groups of friends that helped me re-acclimate to the dating scene: 1) those that were part of the 20% of our population that will never marry and 2) the 25--33% that had already been divorced and would not marry again. Eventually, on my nights "off" from mommy duty, I learned to rely on other single friends for grown-up fun. The point is whenever there is a major change in your life, and you see your role changing significantly, there is a great potential to feel like a part of you is being lost, but this is only so you can discover a new part of you. The transformation in roles is an opportunity to discover other qualities about yourself. Don't let doubt overwhelm you or drag you down, but rather find the courage and strength to rise to the new challenge. In the end, as far as having an identity crisis goes, it is important to recognize that it is [...]
Dismantling The Bachelor Pad
Dating is full of challenges, and even when things are going well there is an inevitable hurdle that most couples will inevitably face: merging households. There is only so much time that one can go with just having a toothbrush, a designated dresser, and a corner of someone's closet. Eventually, the commuting between two homes becomes ridiculous and the cost of maintaining two homes stops making sense if you are planning a future together. So, once he "puts a ring on it" the real work-- including the dismantling of the bachelor pad begins. Despite the fact that most guys like to come across as self-sufficient, the fact is they will need help with this major undertaking. Purging is the first step-- go through the closets and get rid of old clothes. Then as he goes through old documents, maybe you can help by shredding. Try not to be a task-master, and be understanding. This can be a very emotional process, but of course, guys will rarely admit that fact. Some guys may procrastinate with the dismantling projects-- don't take this personally. It's not that they don't love you, it's just that they are avoiding a very unpleasant task. Moves are stressful for most people, and giving up your own turf-- a safe and comfortable place-- to go to the unknown is not easy, even when you are in love. Be gentle in your negotiations of what furniture and art should stay or go. Try to compromise if you can, remembering that this person is sacrificing his autonomy and independence-- two things guys treasure-- to be with you. The fact is no truly secure and happy bachelor is going to change his ways overnight because you demand it, but rather because it must be what he wants. When a guy really falls for someone, he will move heaven and Earth to make things work, and dismantling the bachelor pad is just the first of many clear signs he is willing to do that for you. By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
The Cost of Freedom
Across the globe we hear the common refrain that "freedom is priceless," and yet in my world there really is a price attached to gaining freedom-- a fairly hefty price at that for those who choose to litigate. The national average is that a litigated divorce/custody trial will cost each side about $20,000. Now let's think about that-- if the median household income is about $55,000 how can the average family afford a contested trial? The answer is quite obvious-- most will not be able to financially endure a full blown trial. In fact, the normal, average, every day citizen cannot even afford having an attorney on retainer, which normally starts at $3,000. So what options are available to most people? First, before doing anything drastic, most people are able to afford an initial consult. In that first hour, you should be able to share a summary of your story, and get an explanation of the law in your area, plus some advice on what options are available to you within your budget. Second, most courts have a lot of forms available online and volunteers on staff at the courthouse to help you navigate the system. There are Self Help Centers and classes that are given on a regular basis to teach individuals the basics with respect to the court process. Third, attorneys that are not part of a big firm may be willing to ghost write documents for you. What this means is that we will charge you only to draft the agreements or pleadings you need, without entering an appearance in court or negotitating on your behalf. Some of this work may be done on a flat-fee basis, which further reduces the anxiety for a client, for truly there is nothing worse than not knowing how much something will utimately cost you. The fact is the more work you do for yourself, the less you need to pay an attorney. People seem to forget that back in the day it was only the truly rich and wealthy that had attorneys on retainer. Well, try to keep that in mind if you are embarking on a divorce/separation, for really it is a very small percentage that can afford to go to war with heavy-hitting attorneys at their side. While in most other aspects of life I would agree that freedom is priceless, I think when contemplating a split up, both from an economic and emotional perspective, [...]
The Ostrich Syndrome
Over the years, I've seen so many people suffer from this problem-- they try to hide from reality by digging their heads in the sand. Do they honestly think that if they ignore an issue it will just go away? Well sadly, it never seems to work that way-- in fact the opposite is more likely to occur. By trying to avoid dealing with an uncomfortable situation, it blows up into something so much greater. There are so many times where I think with great regret how easy it would have been to solve a client's problem if they had just come in right away, before things got really bad. Little problems are usually easy to fix, but big problems are sometimes ignored far too long and become issues beyond repair. This ostrich syndrome is quite common, and often times it will take outside intervention to help a person recognize what is going on and find the strength to face things head on. As a divorce professional, it is precisely my job to tackle issues on behalf of those that simply can't defend themselves. It is also my duty to keep people on task, and brainstorm solutions as soon as issues arise. Unfortunately, I am only dealing with one part of someone's life, and often times, they are perpetuating this pattern of behavior in other areas of life, such that they create a perfect storm scenario. It is incredibly sad to watch a seemingly strong individual spiral downward as they get hit with a series of unfortunate events that send them to a very dark place. Sometimes, despite Herculean efforts, I'm not able to make miracles happen, and this is particularly true in the very unforgiving process known as litigation. The wins can be great, but the losses can be devastating, and that is my biggest warning to people that want to head down that path. Especially for those with a tendency to go MIA or flee when things get tough, the last place on Earth you want to find yourself is in the ring with a bunch of gladiators. Someone with ostrich tendencies is like a sacrifical lamb just asking to be slaughtered before the true games begin. By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
Are you a watcher or exhibitionist?
No, I'm not talking about sex today-- instead, I'm referring to how you use Facebook, Twitter, etc. Lately, there seem to be two distinct camps: 1) those that snoop, but rarely post; and 2) those that post often and rarely snoop. I understand that many want to preserve their privacy, and those will normally fall into the first camp. For those seeking to understand those that post often, I will confess that the nature of my business actually requires me to stay on people's radar so that they realize the work I'm doing and causes I'm promoting. Since I don't have a firm that manages all my marketing needs, I have to take it upon myself to spread the word whenever something is being aired on tv, published in magazines, etc. Facebook, Twitter, Linked In and Blogger have all done an excellent job at helping me reach others, and for that, I am eternally grateful. But of course, there is always a downside to everything, and for me (and my family) it's actually been a bitter pill to swallow that so much of me is out there in the media and cyberspace. While there isn't much that I can do about that now, there are 3 bits of wisdom, I'd like to share with others. (1) Keep in mind that you alone control what you share. There's enough bad news out there already, and you want to avoid over-sharing, so try to focus on the good stuff, and before you upload, just ask yourself if this is something you might regret later. (2) Don't ever let yourself get down about what others are up to. The divide between haves and have nots is increasingly more glaring on FB, but don't let envy penetrate your soul. Everyone has their struggles. Those that are young, pretty, rich or popular have their own sets of demons to conquer-- especially the fear of losing it all. The fall from grace is a hard one, trust me I know. (3) Try to review old posts and clean up your past crap every 6-12 months. There are some things we may say and post at one moment that may not be very flattering or appropriate later. You never know who is looking at your digital history, and the last thing you want to have to do (just as an example) is have to clean up 3 years worth of photos, posts, etc. [...]
The Emotional Ups & Downs of a Divorce
When you are going through a divorce, there are times you will be up, and times you will be down. It's an emotional roller coaster ride, and along the way, it helps to reach out to someone for advice, especially if you have children that are also adjusting to a lot of changes in their lives. Here is the link to this week's tv segment with Jill Ladd on the emotions a family will experience during & post divorce: http://mmctv.granicus.com/MediaPlayer.php?view_id=3&clip_id=888 By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
Don’t Underestimate the Importance of Date-Night
We all get tied up during the week with work and child-rearing obligations, but to keep your connection alive with your significant other it's important to make time at least every other week to have a date-night. It doesn't have to be ridiculously expensive, and maybe you just cook a nice meal at home together while the kids go visit with their grandparents. Just a few hours of one-on-one time enjoying each other's company and conversation that doesn't involve to-do lists. Many couples fall out of the date-night habit after a few years of being together, and just celebrate on special occasions, like someone's birthday or a holiday. Recognizing your special love just a few times a year is simply not enough. To keep a relationship alive and healthy, you need regular and frequent date nights. Talk to each other about what would be ideal for each of you, and maybe take turns with planning. Now, a lot of my married friends with kids will say that I am lucky because I have a built-in babysitter (aka my ex-husband) on alternating weekends. That is true-- I am very fortunate that I don't get hit with a babysitting surcharge when I want my date night. So maybe others need to get creative and take turns with other friends hosting playdates, or they need to beg the grandparents to step up a bit more and lend a helping hand. Whatever you need to do, just do it. We all need a break from the responsiblities of work and home life, and we all need to feel special. Without date night, it's easy to feel taken for granted-- and when this happens, your marriage becomes that much more susceptible to outside threats. When this advice was first given to me over a decade ago in my first marriage, I wish we'd taken it far more seriously. Instead, we both got tied up with work and child-rearing responsibilities, and we let other things take precedence over our own relationship, and look at where we ended up. Lesson learned: all work and no play makes for a very boring/unhappy marriage. So, my advice is to talk to your partner about his/her desired frequency in date nights and find a compromise you can both live with, then do your best to stick to that. Spice things up a bit on a regular basis with your loved one, not just on [...]
Emotional Rollercoasters
The first seven years of my career as a divorce lawyer, I focused on the business-side of the break ups-- then I went through my own divorce, and I got to experience first-hand the emotional rollercoaster that so many of my clients experience when they come to see me. The grief cycle takes its toll on the entire family, and the fact is not everyone will be in sync as they go through the series of emotions. So, to put it bluntly, it is normal for everyone to feel out of whack in different ways at different times. Thanks to my increased involvment in mediation and the Collaborative Process, I've had the privilege of working with some of the most brilliant mental health professionals in the DC Area. These experts have helped me understand the emotional side of the divorce, and helped normalize a lot of crazy behavior that previously made no sense to me. This week, I get to share some of those insights during my interview with Jill Ladd, who was among those recently named by the Washingtonian as a top therapist in our area. Families going through a divorce are highly likely to experience depression, anxiety, and/or anger while dealing with this situation. Parents need to keep their emotions in check, and try as best they can to keep things stable for their kids. It is not easy, but we need to remember that children are the innocent ones, and they are far more vulnerable and fragile. Fear of the unknown is quite common, and little ones that haven't experienced much change should be spared as much trauma as possible. Life post-divorce continues to bring new challenges for these families, and Jill did a great job providing tips for parents as they begin to date and/or blend families. One key point is that just as Rome was not built in a day, you can't expect a family to restructure itself overnight. We need to give things time, and proceed with caution. Remember, not everyone loves rollercoasters. Some of us have a highly developed built-up tolerance to the ups and downs of life, but many (especially children) prefer a calm ride along a lazy river. Keeping all this in mind, we can all do our part to better society by encouraging families in transition to be aware of emotions that may be clouding sound judgment. Rather than fuel the fire when a friend, colleague or relative is going through a divorce, we [...]
Trips Down Memory Lane
We all get nostalgic every now and then, but nothing forces us to take a trip down memory lane like a move. After my divorce, I lived in the same condo for seven years, and I hate to admit it, but there are some boxes that never got opened during all that time. Meanwhile, I did not realize how much more I managed to accumulate over the last several years until this past month when I had to pack everything up for my move. Thankfully, I was not alone in this venture, and the new place is something my son and I are looking forward to enjoying. The past few weeks have been exhausting, not just physically, but mentally. I actually remember the source of most gifts, and so with each item that gets unwrapped, a whole flurry of memories and emotions wash over me as I think about that connection when it was first made, how it developed, and where it is in its present state. I have been so fortunate to have generous friends throughout my life, not all of which are still in contact with me, but nonetheless the memories remain. That saying continues to ring true-- some came into my life for a season, some for a reason, and very few became life-long friends. No matter what role they all played, however, I am eternally grateful for the love that they all showed me at some point along life's journey. Years ago, Dr. Robert Emery mentioned in a lecture that you know your client is done with the grief cycle when s/he can hold all three emotions (anger, sadness and love) simultaneously. At the time, I was not quite sure how that could be possible, and yet that is exactly where I find myself today. Thinking back at all the past relationships that are now gone, I can honestly say I am disappointed they did not work out, sad about the lost contact, and yet happy that we shared those moments, because I would not be who I am today, nor where I am today, without all those lessons. Each failed relationship has indeed taught me volumes-- not just about my wants and needs, but honestly about my own shortcomings. The fact is until recently I was not a very forgiving or patient person. When something ceased to be fun, that was my cue that it was time to move on, and yet, it is [...]
Embracing Change
In the business world, you either keep evolving or you become extinct, it is that simple. It has been the same in the animal kingdom for centuries-- either you adapt to your changing environment, or you will die. Change is a normal part of life, and especially within families, it is a naturally recurring theme-- kids grow up, they move out, they get married, then maybe they will add to the family by having kids of their own; in the meantime, someone may get sick, die or divorce. Families are constantly being restructured with a variety of different characters-- and this is precisely what has kept me so intrigued in the field of family law, but not everyone shares my enthusiasm in these changes. Step-families in particular face a ton of challenges, especially gaining acceptance from the children. The term "blended families" unfortunately adds to the already palpable pressure (mainly from the adults) that everyone should somehow just gel. But blended family is really a misnomer-- it sort of conjures up the impression of everyone being thrown into a blender at once, and out comes this amazing smoothie. Yeah, in reality this is rarely what happens, in fact a better image would be to think of a fruit salad in progress. Think more of a banana that is reluctantly co-existing with an orange, then some strawberries enter the mix along with a slightly acidic pineapple, and ever so slowly you need to convince the various fruit parts to appreciate the benefits they all bring to each other when combined into one happy family. It can take years for people to acclimate to major changes in their family structure and step family dynamics. This is why experts caution adults to proceed slowly, and with caution, especially when little ones are involved. Transitions are difficult for many, especially children that may have a fear of the unknown or adults that previously suffered significant loss and don't have a positive association with change. Embracing change is a key life skill, but it is not inherent in everyone. So, be prepared for some rough patches and don't hesitate to seek expert help as needed. By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.