Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
Blending Traditions
Inter-faith and inter-racial marriages are the new norm in the 21st century, but it would be naive of us to think that these unions no longer face unusual challenges. Many of my friends have strived to blend their traditions, but not without some very difficult discussions with extended families, who of course will want to weigh in-- especially when children come into the mix. I am all for mixing things up, but I do think that couples need to have some serious discussions about how they will handle religion, and passing on culture, heritage, and language skills to their children. These are not the kinds of talks you want to put off until after a child is actually born. Rather, before you ever walk down the aisle, you need to have a candid discussion with your partner about the things that matter most to you about your own beliefs and culture. Unfortunately, in divorce situations, buried issues about religion often rear their ugly head. In many of the separation or custody agreements I draft for clients, we now have to stipulate the religion the child will continue to be raised in until s/he attains the age of majority. We often stipulate if a party needs to pay for religious schools and any special events, such as a Bar Mitzvah. Here's a recent article I was quoted in for the Post about this subject: https://www.washingtonpost.com/local/divorces-details-custody-agreements-are-getting-more-complex/2011/12/21/gIQAyqtVJP_story.html
Redefining Sexy in the 21st century
Recently, Sandberg has gotten a lot of backlash certain opinions she's expressed in her book "Lean In," but the lovely thing about being an American is that we are all entitled to freely express our opinions, and I give her props for talking about a tough subject while many other women just grin and bear it. Among the many points she made, I particularly want to emphasize one that may not be getting enough attention-- she is dead right when she warns that a key to success is the life partner a woman picks, and actually that applies to both sexes. Back in the day, women generally stayed home and married guys, who were good providers. Guys were encouraged to find good eye-candy that could produce cute babies. Some have still not outgrown that old-fashioned mentality, but thankfully the women's lib movement has totally changed the game in the last 50 years, so women no longer have to rely on their good looks or a good provider to come rescue them. All of these changes have profoundly impacted human relationships on many levels, including how women view other women and how men view women-- not just in the workforce but outside the workforce. Most women I grew up did not go to school to get their MRS degree, and most guys I know today are no longer interested in just nabbing the prettiest girl they can find. Faced with mounting pressures in the workforce, more guys are looking for a good intellectual counterpart that can share in the responsibility of providing financially for the family. To put it bluntly, having a functioning uterus is no longer enough in today's world, and those of us trying to prove that we are so much more do have a hard time understanding why some of our female peers opt not to "lean in" and instead step aside and let the old boys network continue to function the way it has for centuries. Despite all the progress women have made, the stats are pretty clear that we still have a ways to go. Just a few months ago Marie Claire did an issue about women in Congress. Even though we make up 51% of the U.S. population, only 17% are in Congress, and only 217 have held office compared to 11,279 men. The National Assoc. of Women Lawyers also did a study a few years ago that confirmed the retention rate of female attorneys [...]
Shacking Up
As a young girl, I was always warned about guys, and why would they "buy the cow when they can get the milk for free?" Fair enough, but on the other hand, wouldn't you test drive a car before buying it? Shacking up is a great way to figure out whether in fact you are good roommates, even though it is not a perfect indicator of success. When you are dating, you are presenting your best self, and while you each have your own place to escape to, it is easy to only show up when all is good. But when you live with someone 24/7 things can (and do) drastically change. All of a sudden you are forced to share the same space both in good and bad times-- there is no separate abode to retreat to after you have had a quarrel. You will also have to coordinate your social time, either together or apart, and there is no avoiding money talks once you are under one roof because you need to be on the same page about joint expenses and money management. I think it is important and wise to live together for at least a year before tying the knot to make sure you are aligned with your core values. Luckily, "living in sin" now is much more acceptable than it was 40 years ago when I was a kid, although this can be tricky for older couples that have children from a prior relationship because you really don't want to drag kids into some social experiment that may not work out. When there are kids in the mix, I would discourage shacking up with another person until you are engaged, and I'd highly recommend discussing a cohabitation agreement to have clarity up front as to the payment of household bills, rights and interests to joint property, and what happens in the event things unravel. When you are young and single, it's okay to take a chance, play house, and see how it all pans out. But, if you have little ones, it's important to recognize that they are more fragile, and some really hate roller coasters, so it simply isn't possible to take as many chances so you need to carefully weigh the pros and cons of a family merger well before you ever move in with someone. In the end, I think the choice to shack up [...]
Honeymoon Tips
Here is the link to my segment on planning a honeymoon & other wonderful trips. For special moments like this, you want to make sure you make the right plans and have a realistic budget a few months in advance. If you need help-- that is what experts are for, and Teresa at Honeymoon Islands did a fantastic job of sharing great tips for couples! My favorite quote from her is this: what will you remember? http://mmctv.granicus.com/MediaPlayer.php?view_id=3&clip_id=949 By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
Money Matters on MMCTV: Regina DeMeo’s interview re Love & Money
We cover the importance of having a prenup/postnup, and the various options in the event a couple chooses to divorce, including mediation, litigation and Collaborative Divorce
Recipe for Happiness
Recently, as a school project, my son had to write recipe for happiness. I chuckled as I read his ingredients, which included doughnuts, video games, and a comfy couch-- oh to be young again and have such simple wants... Expectations have definitely gotten a lot more complicated after four decades of being on this Earth, but if I had to prioritize and write an honest answer to what makes me happy, I think I would say my recipe for happiness includes (i) time to enjoy my family and friends, (ii) time for myself, and (iii) working on interesting cases and projects, all while feeling financially secure. The last part is truly key, and one that I perhaps did not recognize for some time. Most of us that grow up poor, never want to experience that again, and it is a deep-seeded fear that many will carry for a lifetime. And yet, for those of us that came of age in the 80's and 90's there was this amazing period of time where so many got rich fast-- either in the tech boom, the housing boom, the Wall Street boom, you name it. There were plenty of jobs and during these golden years many of us took for granted that there would always be plenty of money. And then came the terrorist attacks on 9/11 and the recession where I saw many got laid off. One bubble kept bursting after another, and then we entered into the Great Recession, and for the first time ever I got to see first-hand along with all my fellow GenXers, the precariousness of our economic situation. Moving forward, I don't think any of us will under-estimate the importance of financial security, for without it, it is very difficult to enjoy life and truly pursue happiness. So how does this relate to love? Well, because in the beginning, couples rarely talk about money, and no one likes to really bring up the issue. People's visions are clouded during the honeymoon phase, and often they'll ignore major red flags. Once married, a lot of couples just want to jump to having a family, without thinking through the financial consequences of that decision. Yet there are major financial considerations to be made-- how will the household expenses get paid? How much do you plan to set aside in savings? What is a realistic budget? Can you afford to live the lifestyle you envision together? You are not just living in [...]
The Game of Life
This week, I got to enjoy a snow day with my son, and he wanted to play the board game "Life." I never played this growing up, but I wish I had-- the very first thing you have to decide is whether you are going to college or go straight to pursuing a career. I got to explain to him the consequences involved with those 2 choices, mainly that if you go to college you will probably earn 50% more than your peers that don't get a Bachelors degree, but you also will walk out with $100,000 of debt (that is the prescribed amount in the board game). He asked me whether that included law school, and I had to laugh before explaining that this would be an additional $100,000 investment, and for doctors it is more like $200,000. His eyes grew wide as he took in those numbers, and I can't even imagine what the price tag will be when he's actually ready to make some of these choices. Lately, whenever I lecture at the law schools, or on panels, or students contact me through various connections, I feel like the bearer of bad news, and I hate being in that position. The reality is that government jobs are incredibly difficult to obtain now, non-profits are having a hard time getting funding, and firms in the private sector have slashed their workforce numbers and salaries. There really isn't a pretty picture to paint here, and this month's DC Bar Magazine confirms that I am not alone in my perception of this harsh reality. Rick Schmitt's feature article for the DC Bar is entitled "Price and Perils of a JD: Is law school worth it?" I would encourage anyone contemplating a legal career to read this first before making any decisions. For those who have already taken the plunge, my message has been focused more on keeping an open mind and thinking outside the box when it comes to potential jobs. But I think the focus really needs to be on getting to young adults in college, or sooner before they take on the hefty debt that may last them a lifetime. High school counselors and college advisors all screen for your strengths-- but do they talk to you about the perils of a profession? The stress, the prevalence of depression and anxiety among your peers? I think I would have remembered if someone had once warned [...]
Planning for a Honeymoon
This week, I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing Teresa from Honeymoon Islands, which is based in Virginia. (This segment of Making It Last will air March 6 & 7.) For years, Teresa has been helping couples plan "pop the question" trips, honeymoons, destination weddings, babymoons (the last trip before the baby comes), second weddings, family-moons (where the whole blended family goes away together) and anniversary trips. By traveling all over the world, and checking out the various resorts, she's developed relationships with the various service providers across the globe and therefore has a wealth of information to assist couples in planning the trip of their dreams. It was fun to reminisce with her about some of our past adventures, learn about the latest travel trends and hear about some of the amazing trips she's put together for her high-end clients. Sharing some of these ideas will hopefully help others dream up their ideal honeymoon, however, it may also leave many flabergasted by how some of the wealthiest members of our society spend their free time. Even I was shocked to learn that for the right price, you can arrange to have the Sistine Chapel closed for a private tour. I guess that just confirms that everyone, including the church, has its price. Unfortunately, great excursions are rarely cheap, but many seem to suffer from the common problem we refer to as having "champagne taste on a beer budget." I see it all the time in the divorce world, but it was interesting to have Teresa address this same issue in her own industry. Apparently, most couples blow their budget on the wedding and don't leave enough for their honeymoon. Now that is truly silly because let's face it-- what will you remember? At the end of the day, the wedding is just a big party you are hosting, and it is full of stress and drama. Meanwhile, the honeymoon is exclusively yours to enjoy, while you relax and bask in the newness of being married. The biggest take away I got from my interview with Teresa is that people should be simultaneously researching the wedding and honeymoon details. This way, you can budget accordingly, and if you need to make cuts, my suggestion would be to cut the guest list. If you only feed 100 versus 200 people, that alone will probably save you $10,000 or more. Particularly in this economy, I think people will understand if you keep the wedding [...]
The Rat Race
My alma maters and athletic trainers built me to be a machine. At age 25, they sent me off into the rat race. 15 years later, after swimming in DC's shark tank all this time, managing not to drown or be eaten alive, there are a few things I want to share with others as food for thought. First, what is the point of the game? Some of us are natural born gamers, and we just happen to enjoy the thrill of the game. But we really need to think about the actual point in the game and what we will define as a win. Is it simply how much you have in your bank account at the end of the day? Is it how much fun you had and how many toys you got to play with along the way? There is no right or wrong answer, it's whatever works for you-- but make sure you define for yourself what success means and then go for it. Second, I've seen way too many people, who've gotten caught up on keeping up with their peers. Let me be clear without revealing any confidences, you truly have no idea how people are financing their lifestyles. If you could see what I see, you'd be shocked. So don't worry about those around you, just do your best to stay grounded in your own life and try not to live beyond your means. Third, all work and no play makes for a very dull existence. It is a tricky balancing act that we have to continually struggle with in life, but you can't just spend all your time focusing on work and worrying on saving for the future. On the other hand, most rat racers tend to share the motto work hard, play hard. I dig it, I've lived it-- however, with the economic downturn, a lot of us have had to rein in the idea of playing hard or redefined how we play. Between these two extreme views, you need to find a happy medium, and always remember- you can redefine the rules of engagement at any point, and you can always opt out. In the end, the rat race is not for everyone, and I truly believe that some of us were just born and bred to be in it, yet few of us were ever taught to think about the end-game. The dealers in this game want you to keep thinking of [...]
Time is Money
According to the ABA, there are about 1 million licensed and actively practicing attorneys in the U.S. So not only is there true confirmation that we are a rare breed, but it also helps explain why so many people don't fully understand us. We are trained to see things quite differently, and early on we are taught that time is money. In some ways, this is great-- in my personal life, I don't waste my time on fruitless efforts. With relationships, if I don't see a return on my investment of time, I get out fast. When you think of your time as something truly precious, you simply don't waste it. While I happen to think this is a great strength, I can see how it might be a source of conflict with others. The fact is most private-sector attorneys are trained early on to track their time for billing. We bill for emails, calls, letters, document review, drafting agreements, meetings, etc. This can all add up very quickly, and many of us joke that if we ever got in trouble we could not afford our own services. Sad thing is that joke is really true. It is not many that can afford $300/hr or more for someone's legal services. So here is the truly sad part that I see in the divorce world- the more people want to fight, the more they incur in fees, and those attorneys that care more about themselves than their client's best interest will not do much to promote peace. Attorneys that have truly embraced their role as counselors will go out of their way to keep things calm. Those of us that are dedicated to mediation, Collaborative Law and promoting settlements out of court will do everything possible to de-escalate situations and avoid antagonizing the other side. We realize that regardless of the process we are in, the goal should always be the same: to gather the relevant information, generate options, and find a solution as quickly as possible so that families can move on with their lives, while still having some money for their future. Not all of my colleagues share this goal, and I know some fail to understand why I go out of my way to keep things amicable. The fact is I've seen enough anger and vindictiveness to last me a lifetime. I only want to fight the good fight, and I hope more of my colleagues will see the light [...]