Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
Mastering the Art of Breakups
For 15 years, it has been my job to deal with some of the nastiest break-ups in the DC Area. At this point, I'd estimate I've played a hand in over 1,000, which I guess makes me a break up master. Now, sometimes we're simply fighting over the allocation of debt, and that is sad, but most of the time I'm dealing with complex financial entanglements, some of which involved billions. At the end of the day, however, it is my ability to detach that helps me think clearly-- it is just numbers to me-- a business deal gone bad, and now I have to unravel it. Putting the emotions aside, it is actually a very methodical process that I have to go through to help two parties separate. Here are some key points: (1) Talk about whether the house is being sold or is one party going to stay and cover the expenses. (2) Joint bank accounts need to be closed or frozen. (3) Joint credit cards have to be paid off and closed. (3) Beneficiary forms need to be updated. (4) Safety deposit boxes should be cleared out together. (5) Estate forms have to be revised while you immediately void any powers of attorneys or living wills that the other may have access to. (6) Each individual needs to do his/her own budget, and the party looking to vacate has to start the search for an apartment and movers. (7) Each and every day you need to bring home some boxes and start packing. (8) Block the person from your FB page, change your status & delete unwanted pictures asap. (9) If talking gets you no where, then stop talking. Learn to disengage asap. How long should this take? Well, that depends on a ton of variables-- but the more you can control your emotions so that they don't cloud your judgment, the better off you will be, I promise. If you need help dealing with the legalities of everything, consult a lawyer. If you need help processing the emotions, call a counselor. If you want to try and amicably resolve some of the joint issues quickly, call a mediator to assist with even just an interim agreement. It is okay to ask for help-- that is exactly why these professionals exist. Many don't understand how I can do what I do, but here is the deal-- they say that many of us study that which we seek to [...]
Angels & Demons
Long before I ever read Dan Brown's book, Angel and Demons, I would hear stories at church or through my grandmother about the constant presence of good and bad spirits around us. Little did I realize then that these tales were prepping me for what I would have to encounter on a daily basis professionally. Every day I hear about wrongs that need to be righted. When people get divorced, it often brings out the worst in them. All their deep-seeded fears rise to the surface, and the other person that once was their sworn ally for life becomes their arch enemy. Left to their own devices, they may easily go for scorched Earth, but with the right professional intervention it is possible to re-align their interests in a way that both can move passed this unfortunate parting of ways without completely annihilating one another. Outside of my professional life, I have often encountered gentle souls in seemingly random moments that I highly doubt are attributable to pure luck. The fact is I stopped believing in coincidences long ago, and based on my experiences (not simple belief) have truly come to appreciate the beauty of divine intervention. I have a multitude of bizarre encounters that have occurred over the last 40 years-- enough for a whole novel, not just a blog. However, I truly want to emphasize that none of the great things in my life could have occurred without the intervention of angels. Whether you believe in God or not, there is an undeniable force that surrounds us, and truly the more open you are and the more positive your attitude, I firmly believe good things will come to you. The past few years, despite some great challenges caused by highly toxic individuals, I have nonetheless been blessed by the strength of various angels. My faith has undoubtedly helped me through a great deal, but ultimately it is real-live individuals with small acts of kindness that continually restore my belief in humanity and the notion that good does conquer evil. It is unfortunate that you need the bad to appreciate the good. Sadly there is a lot of bad out there, and we all have to stay on our guard for the demons-- but do not let despair overwhelm you. If you pay close attention, you will see little acts of kindness around you every day. It's all those little acts that accumulate and tip [...]
Wiping the Slate Clean
We all get into arguments at home-- that is normal, but at the end of each fight do you feel closer? Do you feel like you understand each other better? Do you feel like you got to a real resolution? These are key questions. If with each and every fight you bring out the worse in each other and you lose more and more respect, then Houston we've got a problem. Gottman warns that in the final stage of a relationship there are 4 tell-tale signs: (1) the problems seem severe; (2) talking seems useless; (3) you start living parallel lives and (4) lonliness sets in. Every day when I meet with my clients getting divorced, I hear the same thing-- the good memories no longer outweigh the bad ones, and they simply can't wipe the slate clean and start fresh-- they just need out. Before it gets to the point of no return, there are ways that people can learn to fight better-- in a respectful manner. Without name-calling, making threats, giving ultimateums or stonewalling, it is possible to present a strong case for how you feel about something. The reason we try to establish rules upfront is to prevent having bad behaviors create irrepairable damage. Love is so fragile, and you need to treat it gently. Pouring acid over each other is the surest way to kill your love. Now bad fights don't usually play out in the beginning when everyone is on their best behavior, but I recently asked some of my happily married girlfriends if they still fight, and they all laughed and confirmed that conflict is normal even 10 years into knowing someone-- there are, however, established rules. Here are 2 in particular that I want to embrace: (1) you have 24 hours to get something out of your system. If something bothers you, let it out within a day, otherwise forever hold your peace. (2) once an argument has occured and the issue has been resolved, you need to let it go. Harboring ill-feelings and bringing up bad moments won't do anyone any good. Keep in mind that in my professional life, I have been trained as a lethal warrior-- and we do keep scorecards in court. Forgiveness is not something that comes easy to litigators-- but it can be done. The world of mediation and Collaborative Law taught me the power of promoting peace, and this seeped into my personal life such that in the last few years, [...]
Do You Prefer to be Liked or Respected?
If you had to pick one-- which would it be? This was the question asked by Jon Meacham at an event I attended on Friday. He says you can tell a lot about a politician by the answer to this question, and some of the examples he gave included Bill Clinton (clearly one driven by the need to be liked) versus Pres. Obama (who undoubtedly values respect more than winning some popularity contest). Especially when dealing with an alpha male or female, keep this in mind: Nothing will trigger a more viceral reaction than being disrespected. After coming from New York, having worked really hard to get to a certain level, and dealing with one crisis after another all day, I admit nothing is going to set me off more at the end of the day than thoughtlessness-- don't park in my spot, break promises, make demands or dismiss my concerns. Luckily, I have no problem telling people when to back off, and after I'm done, I can thaw and move on-- but not everyone around me can. This has taken me a long, long time to grasp. There are I think many more that are concerned with being liked, and many non-New Yorkers or non-litigators that don't really get the whole respect thing, having an attitude in the beginning, being a bit biting or sacrastic, and later having a good laugh over it all. In court, we all throw punches, and then afterwards, we are all able to go hang out with our colleagues and relish in our war stories over a drink. We go from slinging mud at each other one minute, to hugging each other the next. It has been my M.O. for almost 15 years now, but I am starting to see that this is not the norm for most. When you only hang out with your own kind, there is so much you can't see. I love how much my world has expanded over the last several years, but learning to change certain deeply seeded behaviors is hard, and it doesn't happen over night. While I continue to work on my progress, I just encourage others to be more patient with the alphas they'll encounter-- it's not that we don't want to be liked, it's just that we value respect hundred times more.
Closing the Achievement Gap
A lot of people talk about wanting to close the achievement gap, but few actually put their money where their mouth is. Today I get to meet some of the most generous people in corporate America-- donors that have spent at least $1000/person for the Albert G. Oliver's annual luncheon in New York City, and it is my job to illustrate what a difference their donations can make in a child's life by sharing my story. I was born in Queens to an immigrant single mother, and we grew up with government assistance, including government-issued cheese. I did not know English until I started kindergarten, where I got pulled out for English as a second language. Fortunately, I was able to learn English quickly and flawlessly. By the time I was age 14, I was an honor roll student and nationally recognized rhythmic gymnast. 26 years ago, while minding my own business sitting in Junior High, I was called down to the principal's office, where I was introduced to a representative of the Albert G. Oliver program. After lots of screening interviews, tutoring, tests, and tours of various private schools, I got the gift of a lifetime- the chance to attend Phillips Academy Andover-- free of charge. In the summers, the Oliver Program helped me obtain internships, and they encouraged us all to do community service. This way, I built my resume and contacts, so by the time I applied to college, I had my pick of many great schools, just like any other of my Andover peers. The Oliver Program arranged for a college tour the summer before we all sent out our applications, and this is how I was introduced to Georgetown. I made DC my home after law school, and for the last 15 years I've been a family law attorney, helping families work out their issues. Today, I get to run my own firm where I actually promote settlements outside of court, and I enjoy doing a lot of mediation and Collaborative cases. Now, I may not get paid anywhere near what my corporate colleagues make, but I am surviving, and more importantly I have work-life balance. I have created a life where I have choices, and I make it a priority to give back to the community. In addition to volunteering at my son's school, the past few years I've been able to lecture to [...]
Prenup Trends This Spring
There are a flurry of engagements that occur between the holidays and Valentine's Day. Now, as many brides are busy planning their weddings this spring, it is my job to draft a ton of prenuptial agreements. Interestingly enough, I am seeing a very distinct trend where these documents are no longer for the rich and/or famous. Normal, every day people are getting these prenups done mainly to 1) protect their separate interests and 2) minimize any exposure to alimony. Another new trend worth noting is an increasing demand to have future spouses waive any interest in businesses that are in the process of being created-- and I've even seem some Operating Agreements, where the companies are requiring a prenup before they will allow someone to have an intersest in the business. So, more and more I have to come up with some creative solutions while dealing with an ever increasing need to keep the emotions calm. My prenup consults have truly morphed in the last few years to more of a pre-marriage counseling session, where we talk a lot about the benefits and the perils of marriage. I often give people a list of books they should read, including Gottman's Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Dr. Chapman's love language quiz is always well received, and I often recommend a few of the videos from my past shows with couples counselors. The fact is, love is not enough to weather all storms. There are some key skills we all need to have if we want to keep a marriage intact, and we have to accept that marriage is always going to be a work in progress. To embrace the notion of a team and give up the idea of purusing an individual form of happiness is not easy, especially because it is quite contrary to our American culture as Robert Scuka pointed out to me in a recent interview. Furthermore, we need to accept that happiness is not a permanent state of being-- it is something we have to continue to strive for, as we continue to build on trust, respect and proving our continued commitment to the marriage. Why do I bring all this up? Because the rate of success for marriage is not good-- especially for second marriages. People need to realize the risk and then see the weak spots as opportunities for further improvement. While they work on the relationship side of things, it is my job to minimize the [...]
Mind the Gap (between generations)
A funny thing happens when you are a single woman in the age range of 35-45, you get a lot of guys in their 50's that will express an interest in you. And while at first the age difference may not seem that vast (especially if they have taken good care of themselves) you have to keep in mind that these men were brought up during a time where a man's primary job was to be a good provider. They did not graduate from medical or law school with 50% of their peers as women, and they certainly weren't expected to pitch in much with cooking, cleaning, and child-raising responsibilities. Here are 3 areas where you might have a conflict of interest, and although none of these are insurmountable, they do require some recognition the age differences coming into play: 1. Emotional Awareness- Sadly, few if any of the baby boomer men were taught to be emotionally available to their partners-- instead, men were bred to be rocks. Now don't get me wrong-- having a rock is awesome, but if you require a deep emotional connection with your partner, you may need to exercise some patience while breaking down some bad habits (like bottling things up or trying to bury feelings) and instead learning to create a safe place to talk about concerns and feelings without passing judgments. Learning how to fight well is never easy, but it is extra hard when you have to try and shift the paradigm by which someone's viewed the world for several decades. 2. Power Battles- Try to keep in mind that men from the baby boomer generation often were raised by stay-at-home mothers, with few divorces and blended family situations back then. Unlike today where women hold leadership roles in various fields, back then men held ALL the power. Knowing that boys generally want to emulate their dads, you can easily see then how a baby boomer male may have a really hard time dealing with a fiery, opinionated, and uber independant GenXer that doesn't back down. It's not so much about intentionally seeking to be dominant, but for an old school guy it may be a shift to truly respect and see a woman as an equal. 3.Stages of Life- You may notice significant differences in energy levels and/or sex drive. Also, a baby boomer is more than likely to now be an empty nester, who is focused on retirement, whereas those under 50 are likely to have children still at [...]
Why Shoot for the Moon?
The saying goes "shoot for the moon-- even if you miss, you'll land among the stars." Some of us, without perhaps having ever heard this saying, just know this instinctively. Throughout life, I've always been willing to give something a shot-- why? Well, maybe when you start off with nothing, there just doesn't seem to be much to lose. 25 years ago, there was a scholarship fund in NY that took a poor little girl out of the hood and sent her to a lily-white community in New England. As the daughter of a single mother, who was an immigrant without a college degree, I did not share much in common with my boarding school peers-- except in the academic arena. Thanks to the generosity of others, I was afforded every opportunity that my classmates were given to achieve, and I made a life-altering choice to make the best play out of the hand that I was dealt. In the last couple of years, we can all see how this social science experiment has worked out-- I've expanded beyond your normal legal career and become an author, lecturer, legal commentator, and local tv host. At 40, I get to share ideas on a level that many would never even dare to dream of, and much to the chagrin of some of my older colleagues that would prefer I keep my mouth shut about alternative dispute resolution methods. Indeed promoting healthy relationships and out of court settlements is not going to bring in as much money to many legal service providers, but what they fail to understand is that I wasn't bred to focus on finances-- I was inspired by some of the best thinkers in this country to share great ideas and build on the work of others to help all those around me. A few months ago, Arianna Huffington spoke at GW, which is my alma mater, and she said that you should never underestimate someone. She gave the example of a mosquito in a room, and how that one tiny creature could make your life miserable when you are trying to go to sleep at night. Well, I guess I'm like that mosquito. Because I can never repay the people who provided me with such amazing opportunities in my academic and professional career, not only do I try to pay it forward, but I want everyone else to think about what they could do to help improve [...]
5 Key Tips When Merging Households
Fifteen years ago when I got married for the first time, it was so easy to merge households-- we both had nothing and were basically starting from scratch. When we had to untangle everything, we remained civil and amicable for the most part, and ever since, I have continued to keep all my accounts and everything separate. However, on a weekly basis my clients that are marrying later in life, or for the second time, often ask me for practical advice to ensure a smooth transition, and here is a check list I go over with them: (1) Talk about what your shared/joint expenses are going to be and how they will get paid. (2) Open a joint account and one joint credit card, where you can earn points together. You should both review this monthly and set a limit for how much someone can charge without the other's consent. (3) Update your address with all your creditors, etc. Notify DMV, voter's registration, and all your service providers. (4) Notify your insurance companies and add on additional drivers as needed. (5) Avoid arguing over what should stay or go in terms of furntiure or artwork, etc. Let's talk about point #5 as the rest are pretty self explanatory. Instead of getting into heated battles over whose crap should go, try to create 3 categories: 1) yes, we'll keep it; 2) no, can't stand it; and 3) maybe I can live with it. If you have different tastes, resist putting everything in category 2 because you need to be cognizant of the fact that there may be some things that someone is sentimentally attached. While at first glance it may seem there is very little you can stand, try to avoid automatically exerting veto power without any discretion. Trust me-- this won't end well. Ultimately, you can't force someone to get rid of everything, but that also shouldn't mean you need to deal with it all in your sacred space. Maybe he gets to have his man cave, where the things you don't like will be out of sight. Or perhaps the office away from home can house some things. Maybe you need to ask a relative to keep a few family heirlooms for you. Storage facilities are another option. What I found to be one of the best solutions was to sell or donate a few items and just start new. Merging households later in life is not easy, but if you can keep in [...]
Hit the Road Jack (or Jill)
This week, I had the pleasure of interviewing Becky Lee, who founded Becky's Fund, which is a local non-profit that not only promotes awareness of domestic violence, but also seeks to prevent it through education seminars and outreach programs. I could not agree more with her that a huge problem we have today is that there isn't a good understanding of what a healthy relationship looks like. What we see on tv is not real, and educators as well as parents need to make more of a concerted effort to teach children good relationship/life skills. The fact is one in four women will experience some sort of abusive episode with a partner. Whether it is verbal or physical abuse, no one should have to live this way, and yet, unfortunately many people don't realize what a vulnerable position they are in until things are really bad. Over the years, I have seen so many people fall into an incredibly dependent position. By allowing one person to control all the money and not having any of your own credit cards or bank accounts, you are leaving yourself in a very precarious situation if things go awry. How will you ever be able to survive on your own in case of an emergency? When one person holds all of the economic power in a relationship, the other one is left in a very weak bargaining position. No one should ever let him/herself get to this point. The best place to be is always being in a secure enough place where you can either walk away or tell the other party s/he needs to leave if s%*t really hits the fan. My goal is obviously to have people work through issues, and I understand that intimate relationships are always complicated. Both partners will have to give and take at different times, and ideally a couple will be able to master the art of skillful negotations and reaching compromise. But it is an art that not everyone can master, and when things get nasty, you need to be able to have an escape plan. How can you exit safely when you don't have any of your own resources? Luckily, there are some great shelters and advocates that can help a person get to a safe location. But instead of being in a reactive position, it is so much better to be proactive. Always strive to maintain enough independance through your own education and economic resources to be able to say "hit [...]