Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
Forgive, But Never Forget
Today, I was honored to present to the Fresh Start students of Living Classrooms on the subject of forgiveness. Unlike the common adage "forgive and forget," I have a very different take on forgiveness. Forgiveness-- what is it NOT: 1. it is not about forgetting; 2. it is not about excusing bad behavior; 3. it is not about becoming vulnerable again; and 4. it is not about continuing to have a relationship with someone. What is it about then? It is a process of leting go. It is multi-layered. It is an individual choice-- no one can force it on you. There is a difference between acknowledging someone's apology and accepting it-- and a lot depends on the reasons behind the apology. Is someone truly seeking forgiveness or do they just want to sleep better at night because life is all about them? Forgiveness is a key component of love, and it is necessary to finding peace. It is a gift-- mainly to yourself. It is about putting something behind you so that you can move forward. More than anything, it is meant to lighten your load. Holding grudges is a heavy burden to bear, and it will wear you down. There are 3 steps to forgiveness: 1. Identify the source of anger/pain; 2. try to understand a person's motive or intent; 3. Weigh your options and find the best workable solution for you. While doing this exercise, try to keep the 3 Ws in mind: WHO was it that hurt you? It makes a difference whether it is someone close or a stranger. The latter don't really rank, and they are much easier to cut out of your life. WHAT was the transgression? Was there an agreement that was breached or were expectations not met? WHY did this happen? Was there a breakdown in communication? Maybe a misunderstanding? I'm willing to cut someone a lot more slack when they are just clueless-- but intentional acts of cruelty require a zero-tolerance policy. Unfortunately, our modern society embraces a win-lose view of the world. Darwin's survival of the fittest theory is being taken to all new extremes. The sink or swim mentality is quite prevalent, especially in corporate America, and we see forgiveness as a sign of weakness. In fact, we view emotions as a sign of weakness. To forgive, you need to work through your emotions. It is a complicated process that requires an open mind, and [...]
A Special Father’s Day Ahead
It's been 40 years now that I have lived with only one name on my birth certificate-- but that will soon be fixed next month. For those who missed the posts from two years ago, I will quickly summarize this soap opera story: my parents met on a cruise ship 40 years ago, and 9 months later I was born out of wedlock. To spare me any pain, I was told growing up that my dad was dead. Funny thing about secrets-- most eventually do come out, and after many years of unanswered questions, I finally tracked him down and took a DNA test in March 2011. The story does have a very happy ending, and I suppose I could just leave it at that, but there is something to be said for having it officially recognized-- even if it is four decades after the fact! So, next month I finally have a hearing date in New York, where hopefully a judge will enter an order adding my father's name to my birth certificate. I can only hope this goes through without any further issues, because honestly I've been through enough melodrama to last me a lifetime getting to this point. The funny thing is, as a family law attorney, I can truly appreciate just how far our court system has come in terms of helping single mothers over the last 40 years. Did you know that DNA testing only became available in the early 70's and was not used back in my time a standard operating procedure? Unwed moms like my mom were denied certain health coverage and free legal assistance. As a result, my mom had to pay for her own hospital costs and hire a private attorney to help her track down my father for support. Through a series of very unfortunate events, paternity was never established, and for 38 years I just wondered what on Earth happened to cause things to go so seriously wrong in my case? Thankfully, this should not happen in today's times, where DNA testing is offered at the courthouse as soon as a paternity case is filed, and Child Support Enforcement should be able to assist parents free of charge with obtaining support-- even across state lines. In two weeks, I'll be doing a tv segment for my show all about the wonderful services the courthouses can provide for citizens, and in the meantime behind the scenes, I will anxiously await my [...]
10 Signs You Are Falling Out of Love
We all fall in love for different reasons and in different ways, but there is definitely a distinct pattern that we all follow when things go south. How do I know? Because I've seen this every single day for the last 15 years as people explain to me how they find themselves in my office talking about divorce. The fact is rarely do marriages or committed relationships unravel overnight-- it is usually a slow but steady build up of dissatisfaction. Finally, an event will occur that may in itself seem insignificant, and yet it becomes the final straw that breaks the camel's back. Here are the top 10 signs (which I posted a while back) that you are getting ready to blow: 1. When things you once found funny about that person are now annoying; 2. When making plans becomes a chore; 3. When you have lost interest in being intimate; 4. When your eyes start to wander, or worse; 5. When receiving texts, emails or calls becomes annoying, and you cannot bear to deal with responding; 6. When finding a gift for a special occassion becomes an overwhelming burden; 7. When that person has ceased to make you feel loved or special; 8. When you no longer care whether you connect or not; 9. When you have become two ships passing in the night, not even exchanging basic pleasantries; and 10. When you no longer like the person you have become in the relationship. If you dread going home and find excuses to work late-- ask yourself, what is really going on? When the world outside feels safer than your own home, which is supposed to be a sanctuary, you've got a serious problem at hand. The ostrich syndrome will not work, it never does, so I'm all for trying to address the issues, but 9 out of 10 times things are well beyond repair if you are already experiencing 5 or more of the symptoms described above. Is it easy to leave? Of course not, but you only have one life. How will you ever find true love or at least happiness and peace while you allow yourself to remain a prisoner in a situation devoid of love or passion? And as a parent, more importantly, you have to ask yourself what kind of example are you setting for your kids? If they see you remaining stuck in a crappy situation-- how will they ever find the courage [...]
What’s the Deal with Summer Break-Ups?
Lots of parents choose to wait until the school year ends before calling it quits. Why? Because they don't want to create any chaos in their children's lives while they are in school and potentially risk a dip in their academic performance. While this makes perfect sense, there is one big problem that parents need to be aware of: during the school year, kids are surrounded by their friends and school counselors, who can all provide emotional support for them in a time of need. If parents are going to split during the summer, they need to make sure that their kids have sufficient emotional support to process what is happening as the family restructures and establishes a new norm. Children generally crave consistency and stability, therefore, the best thing parents can do is create a shared narrative, and jointly reassure kids that: (1) they will continue to see both parents; (2) their lives will continue to be the same as much as possible; and (3) the break-up is NOT their fault. Kids don't need to know all the details-- they really just need to know how the separation will impact them, and parents need to work on filtering as much as possible. Picture yourself as a Brita filter-- take that not so clean water, and try your best to purify it for your kids! My final words of wisdom with respect to summer break-ups is to make sure to let kids have fun. Take them to the beach, amusement parks, etc. Stick with your traditions as much as possible. We need to show them through our actions, not just words, that it will all be okay. As Dr. Emery often says, children are resilient. Parents just need to model an appropriate attitude. Life is full of changes, and sometimes setbacks. Showing your kids how to handle adversity is one of the best life skills you can pass down to them-- and if you need help, that's fine-- that is why experts in this field exist. We can help you through it, so you don't have to face this by yourself. By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
Getting Divorced Without Breaking the Bank
In almost every other aspect of our lives, we know exactly how much we are paying when we purchase something-- except in the legal services industry. I can see how it would be very disconcerting for clients to not know exactly how much a divorce is going to cost them, and these days in particular most people are spending money cautiously. So, how can you keep costs down? Easy- the more you do yourself, the less you'll spend. Here are some tips: 1. Flat fees- At the initial consult, if you want to just have an agreement written, like a prenup or Separation Agreement, ask if the attorney can do this on a flat-fee basis. I do this a lot, and it is nice not worrying about keeping track of charging for emails/calls because there are none. One consult fee, on document prep fee, and I'm done. We all walk away happy. 2. Online forms- See if there are court forms online, and then a lot of people just come to me for a 30 minute consult to ensure they have prepared everything correctly. Again, this is super easy for me-- and super cheap for the client. 3. Mediation- If you and your spouse have some unresolved issues, try mediation. When I am acting as a mediator, each party pays half my fee, and usually in a few sessions we have worked through everything, and they walk out with an Agreement (something that non-lawyers cannot provide.) Clients love this pay as you model, and I actually prefer the face-to-face meetings versus keeping track of emails, calls, etc. 4. Collaborative /Cooperative Approach- The more you can agree to do together, like hire one mental health professional to work out your Parenting Plan, or one financial neutral to help you identify and value the joint assets, the more you will save on attorney's fees. If you are able to address your issues outside of court without going through formal discovery, you should be able to save significantly. It's the legal brawls in the court room that have the hefty sticker prices. 5. Set Realistic Budgets- I try to set realistic expectations upfront. Calls and emails will add up, so you need to ask yourself is it really worth $35 or more for me to send this email or call my attorney? Can you really afford $300/hour or more? Knowing that the average trial costs $20,000 per person, you have to ask yourself whether [...]
The Importance of Gratitude
For as long as I can remember my grandmother, who recently passed away a few months shy of her 98th birthday, would always give thanks for each meal and a safe place to sleep each night. She was one of the happiest people I ever met in my life, even though she did not have much money or a high school degree. Her happiness was never tied to any material things-- it was her family, friends and daily good deeds that brought her joy. It's taken me years to appreciate the wisdom in her approach to life, but I'm so glad I get it now. It's so easy to get caught up in the rat race, and to always want the next coolest toy. Keeping up with the Joneses is a trap we can all easily fall into, often without realizing it. This is indeed the plan-- for all of us to unwittingly come to think of things as necessities, and then we become endentured servants to others so that we can continue to maintain a certain lifestyle. The key question we must never forget to ask ourselves is what is the true cost to us? Everything has a price, so the important point to remember is that we need to carefully consider whether something is really worth that price. There are a lot of things that seemed so important in my 20's and 30's that now looking back are just plain dumb. All the spas, shows, luxury hotels, fine dining, fancy clothes, cars, homes, trips, were all actually failed attempts to fill a void. While I do remain grateful for all of these experiences, these days I am far more appreciative for the things I used to take for granted-- a good meal, a fantastic group of friends and family, and a safe place to crash at the end of the day. My grandmother may not have left me anything tangible upon her death, but what she left behind was far more precious. She set a beautiful example for me of how one should live, and I am eternally grateful that her core values live on in me. When in doubt, her voice still soothes me and memories of her smiling console me. Gracias Abuela! By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
We Are All a Work in Progress
Whether we like it or not, change is a normal part of life. Some of us embrace change, others resist it-- either way, a whole flurry of emotions will come bubbling up to the surface. As a divorce attorney, I've guided countless people through major life changes over the last 15 years, but my original training in law school was to keep emotions out of legal negotiations-- emotions are bad, they cloud our judgment, and no good can come of that when you are dealing with high-stakes litigation, especially in family law. Now, I've always had a natural tendency to compartmentalize emotions, so unraveling domestic partnerships is not difficult for me-- it's the client-management side that presents the more challenging piece to my cases. About 9 years ago, when my son was born and my marriage unraveled, a funny thing happened-- I learned the downside to burying emotions. The fact is that to successfully navigate the complexities of life, you have to pay attention to your own feelings and process your emotions, so that you can be true to yourself. While working on my own self-awareness project, my professional studies over the past decade focused on what makes relationships work and what makes them fall apart-- and there is definitely a connection. Until you understand your own needs and wants, managing a relationship will not be easy. There really is a science to it, and gurus like Gottman and Chapman make it very easy to comprehend some of the core concepts. I've now lost count of how many psych books and seminars I've attended while pursuing my training in Collaborative Law and mediation. As I continue to learn more and work along side some of the best mental health professionals in the DC Area, I can definitely see a transformation. I am not the person I once was, and while there remains much progress to be made, I can appreciate how far I've come on my journey. I don't run from emotions any more, and I've learned the importance of processing feelings. I now appreciate the need to unplug-- to step away from the rat race, get away from your every day surroundings and reconnect with nature. Now let me be very clear-- you are not going to see me all of the sudden quit my day job to become some yoga instructor out on the West Coast. I'm also not planning to take a [...]
First Impressions/Last Impressions
We've all heard that first impressions are important-- both at work and in our personal lives. Most of us strive to show up on time, well-dressed and attempt to put our best foot forward when meeting someone for the first time. Not much is said, however, about how we should end things, except in business they always recommend that you try not to burn any bridges when you leave. Well, it is my sincere hope that more people will embrace this in their personal lives as well, but sadly emotions get out of control sometime, and some are just incapable of exiting with civility and grace. Try to keep these things in mind as you part ways: 1) It is a small world, and you never know when you might run into someone that knows an ex. 2) When you look back at your actions later, you'll feel better about yourself if there are no regrets. 3) Taking the high road is not letting someone off the hook, it's a gift to yourself that allows you to maintain your dignity. 4) If someone else is lashing out at you, it is really because they are hurt-- like a wounded animal. 5) Sometimes the best reaction is simply to not respond. Silence is indeed golden at times. The opposite of love is not hate, but apathy. When you can get to the point that someone's actions no longer stir any feelings in you, that is when you know you are done. If someone continues to try and harass or punish you for leaving, the best positive spin I can put on that situation is this: it certainly leaves no doubt that the best decision you made was to walk away. Most of my friends believe in karma, and I definitely have seen it in action many, many times. For every action, there is a reaction-- especially in my legal world where everyone is under scrutiny. But even without Big Brother watching, we should all do our best as decent human beings to try and refrain from intentional infliction of any harm. As Gandhi said, "an eye for an eye and we'd all be blind." We all lose sight at times of the big picture, especially when we are absorbed in the grieving process, but try to remember that the last impression we leave is what people will remember most. Our final acts will speak volumes about our character-- much more so [...]
How Do You Know It’s Right?
Sometimes I have clients that vacilate-- they are not sure whether they should pull the plug or not on their marriage. This is not a decision that anyone I've ever know has taken lightly, and many will try counseling to try and right the ship before jumping off the Titanic. But recently I read that for every bad interaction it is going to take 5 positive ones to cancel out that negative occurence. Knowing that, I can see how the odds become stacked against a couple that is spiraling downward. So if you find yourself getting pulled into this black hole situation, maybe the best thing is to take a break. There is nothing wrong with hitting pause and allowing yourself some time to think before you write the end of your love story. Unfortunately, you need to be prepared for the fact that the other party may not agree with hitting pause, and if so, that is simply too bad. Whenever I have found myself in a perplexing situation, either at work or personally, I just take a break. Maybe I'll go for a run, or a walk around Dupont Circle during lunch. If I need a weekend to think things through, I just pack up a bag and go. Getting out of a situation does wonders to help you think clearly. And here is the other thing I have realized-- you need to trust your gut. When you escape the problem area, how do you feel? If I have left someone and feel sad, then I realize I need to return and work on the issues at hand, but if I feel nothing but overwhelming relief-- like I am free and can breath again, then I know that the situation is simply unhealthy for me. As many dear friends have said to me now that it is safe to fully share their opinions, falling in love is supposed to be easy-- it is supposed to be like any other friendship that just naturally develops overtime, without feeling forced or rushed. Meanwhile, if you are trying to push a square peg through a round hole, you will undoubtedly find yourself facing a lot of friction. That is NOT normal, NOT good, and you need to stop trying to force things. I go back to this-- trust your gut. Don't try to make compromises you aren't willing to make. If you find yourself [...]
Learning to Forgive
The first three decades of my life I have to admit, I was not a very forgiving person. Then I became a mom, and the cliché is true-- motherhood changed me. Everything ceased to go according to my plans, and I had to learn to let things go. My marriage fell apart under various strains before my son even turned 2, and the last thing on Earth I wanted to be was a self-employed, single mom, especially during the Great Recession. So many of us lost so much then, much like Job in the Bible, but I refused to wallow in self-pity, and become angry and bitter-- I have seen too many go down that path, and it does not end well. So, I made a different choice-- to forgive and move on. Not that it was easy, but it is far healthier and ultimately more rewarding. In this last decade of my life, I've definitely mellowed and come to accept that none of us are perfect, that we all make mistakes, and that you shouldn't judge someone based on whether they suffered a setback, but rather pay attention to how they recover from that setback. Witnessing so many people recover from major blows in life definitely gives you perspective. As long as you have your health, a job you like, your kids are happy and you have family and friends you can count on, then life is good. Focus more on what you do have, not what you don't have. The fact is that money is often wasted on the rich. Don't accept someone else's definition of success or wealth-- you need to define these things for yourself. Next month, I have the honor of connecting with the Fresh Start students at Living Classrooms. These are young adults that may have made a mistake early on, and now need to start fresh in life. They obviously won't have the same trajectory in life that I had-- but maybe that is actually better. My path left no room for errors. To escape poverty and follow my dreams, I had to walk a very tight line. It's been a hard, and sometimes very lonely road. I wouldn't wish this path on my own son, so what does that tell you? Against all odds, I proved the one thing that I really wanted to prove, and it is this: that you could take a poor girl from the projects, and given the [...]