Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
A Roadmap for New Beginnings
I love new beginnings-- probably because I view them as an opportunity for change, and creating a new and better reality. This may be more difficult for some than others, and I admit a major factor is whether you were the driving force behind a break up versus someone who was blind sided and didn't see the end coming. Either way, after about a month you need to get with a new program, and here are 5 easy steps to follow: 1. New look- Go try some new lipstick, a different color eye shadow, get a new kind of haircut, and if you can treat yourself to a mani/pedi and massage. Your body will release all that tension, and you will feel like a million bucks. 2. Shopping therapy- It actually does work. Go invest in a new outfit that you can wear on your next hot date. Even better, go one step further and use this as an opportunity to throw out some of that old underwear, and go get yourself some new sexy stuff. 3. Take a trip- This doesn't have to be a lavish trip that will break the bank, but go away for the weekend with family or friends. Get out of your environment and have some fun. Most importantly, find a way to laugh off whatever happened in the past. Laughter really is the best form of therapy. 4. Purge- Use that 30 day period, or however long of a break you want, to get rid of all those old photos, cards, emails, etc. Clean up your phone and delete the past from FB, Twitter, and whatever other online crap you may have posted. 5. Just Say Yes- Whether it is an old beau that is asking you to be his date at a gala, or a new neighbor that is inviting you out for a drink, even if you are not sure you are ready, just say YES. You have to get back out there, and it is okay to go in baby steps. Just don't unload on that person, and have fun. In the end, I truly want to emphasize that each person will have to go at his/her own pace. Don't worry about what other people think, as long as you are honest with yourself and the other person. If you do recycle someone from the past, which is common, you just have to realize that the old issues are probably still there. [...]
Stop Making Excuses for Bad Behavior
We all do it at times-- we make excuses for other people's bad behavior. For example, "oh he must have had a bad day." Or, "he must have had a rough childhood and doesn't know any better." Maybe this person is under a lot of stress at work, is not well, or just suffered a major setback, so we try to cut them some slack until things get more stable. When someone is going through a lot of change-- planning a wedding, moving homes, etc. we may try to chalk up moodiness to a million different factors and try to convince ourselves that this too shall pass. Yet, if with each new day you find yourself filled with dread of what might happen next, and you feel like you are walking on eggshells or that your stomach is all in knots, then you need to stop, take a deep breath and take a good look at all the red flags you've been ignoring. When my clients come to me, they often feel so stupid for having allowed things to go on for so long and let things get so bad. But it is not an intelligence issue-- it is an emotional one. When you care about someone, the option of last resort is to leave. Most of us would like to help those we love. Most of us would like to hope for the best, and stick it out if at all possible until the other person gets to a better place. But, sometimes you just have to realize that day will never come. I'm all for being methodical, so I find journaling helps a lot. By tracking events either with a journal or on a calendar, you can easily pick up on a pattern of behavior. Has it been escalating? Is there a predictable cycle to the whole series of events? What do those in your inner circle think? Are you afraid to share incidents with them? If so, what does that tell you in and of itself? If the world outside seems safer than the home you return to-- there is a major problem there. True love stories are supposed to be beautiful. If you find that yours is not, then either you figure out a way to improve things in your partnership or you need to cut your losses and move on. Life is way too short to be miserable. Your partner should get you and be able to make you feel special. For [...]
Going Down the Rabbit Hole
Every day I see people dealing with major life changes, and often times this will send people on a soul-searching expedition, where they will question their past, their present, and for sure their future. Now, some of us may take a lot longer and delve a lot deeper than others on this mission to better understand ourselves and those around us. Let me be very honest, this is not an exercise for the faint at heart. In my professional life, as a divorce lawyer, I have to stay focused on getting my clients through the legal process, but quite often they will share with me little glimpses into how this becomes a life altering event for them that impacts various other facets of their lives. While I've been hearing this for over 15 years now, nothing can do justice to what the experience is like until you go down the rabbit hole yourself. Over the last 8 years, in my own post-divorce life, there has been an undeniable radical transformation within me. It is so sad to think that losing my best friend was the catalyst that led me to where I am today-- that without that loss, so much good would never have occurred. Unfortunately, that de-stabilizing event is probably the only thing that would cause me to face my greatest fears. Only then, did I dig deep into my past, and that's when I realized that I had to find my dad in order to find peace. I opened up my greatest wounds, not because I'm a sadist, but because it became quite obvious that I had to reopen old injuries that were never fully processed in order to let myself properly heal. It is very painful to expose your vulnerabilities-- especially to yourself. Many of us would like to think that we are perfect, however, the reality is of course that no one is-- but what I needed to understand is that you don't have to be perfect to be worthy of love. Finding my dad, and then connecting with his whole side of my family over the last two years has brought out a very brave side of me-- and it is not at all a coincidence. When you no longer care what others think; when you know that your core group will love you no matter what, it becomes an amazing source of strength in life. Post-divorce life will not be easy for anyone, and we will [...]
Immigration Reform
Last week, I got to do a show with Anthony Fatemi on immigration law. I love finding people that are passionate about their work. This man, who is originally from Iran, came to the US, got his law degree, and over the last 15 years has built a very successful practice helping other immigrants lawfully stay in the U.S. I liked sharing a bit about my own family history, including the fact that my grandmother came to the U.S. without any intention to stay here permanently, and as a result, she never learned English. After about 30 years in this country, she finally decided to become a citizen. Some may disagree with the policies that permit this for certain individuals, and to those people, all I can say is, "get over it." Most of our ancestors came from other countries, and while we need to protect our borders, we also need to keep in mind that this country was founded on the notion that we would be this great melting pot. If it were not for this open arms policy, many of us would not be here today. I hope more people will keep this in mind when we debate our immigration policies. Here is the link to our show: http://mmctv.granicus.com/MediaPlayer.php?view_id=3&clip_id=1106 By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
Why are Inspirational Journeys a Growing Trend?
This month, I got Dr. Nixon to explain this growing trend with professionals, who are getting away from their daily environments and going off on inspirational retreats. With an increasing need to unplug and decompress, more people are seeking getaways that focus on mind-body wellness, meditation, and an appreciation for our natural surroundings. Here is the video from our segment: Regina DeMeo's interview with Dr. Nixon about Inspirational Journeys: http://youtu.be/LxtZBKqYeZ0 via @youtube
The Pros & Cons of Dating on a Mission
I have said this many times before, and I have no problem admitting this once again from the start-- I am not a fan of dating with a mission. While I am all for knowing your must-haves and can't stands, I really dislike the notion of dating with an end-game in mind. The problem I have with this theory is that I think people run the risk of letting the desired result cloud their judgment. People who want to get married, want to have kids, want to be done with 20 questions, may dismiss perfectly good people if they are not on board with their timeframe. So, let's take a deep breath and think this through. Pros of Dating with a Mission: 1. You aren't going to mess around with players or ones that just want to casually date (unless of course, that is the mission); 2. You will focus when you come across a decent candidate; 3. You should be able to clearly identify your priorities; 4. You won't be wasting other people's time and money; 5. Commitment should not be an issue, at least on your part. Cons of Dating with a Mission: 1. You may come across as too rigid or scare people off. 2. When you are too focused on the end, you may not allow yourself to enjoy the journey. 3. You are less open-minded when you are on a mission. 4. You may prematurely close off some options. Some may just need more time to catch up. 5. You run the risk of being sorely disappointed when things don't go according to your plan. It is hard to believe that this alpha female is so carefree when it comes to dating, but that is because I've already accomplished my mission-- I already walked down the aisle and was with my partner for 12 years; we had a child together, and I'm no longer in the business to breed. At this point in my life, I think it is okay to just have fun-- as long as you are responsible about it. Be honest with the other person about where you are in your journey, and if they can ride along side you, great. If not, don't despair, there are plenty of fish in the sea. Have fun fishing! By Regina A. DeMeo
Connecting the Dots
Yesterday, I received the cover illustration to my children's book. I have to say, it was quite a thrilling moment, and it was great to finally share this project with some of my friends and relatives, many of whom were unaware of this new task that I've taken on outside of my law practice. To be honest, it is something my son asked me to do a while back because he wanted me to share the story about finding my family with children. I decided to take on this project to teach him that when you have a cool idea, you need to see it through the various phases until it is finished. Of course, because this is way outside my area of expertise, it has taken me quite a while to identify a co-author/editor, illustrator, etc. After outlining the storyline, I had to go through all my albums-- four decades worth of photos-- in order to map out my life's story in pictures. To see it all now come together, I must admit, is pretty awesome. The little gymnast that traveled the world in search of every award possible has finally grown up. All those trophies, medals and certificates are actually in storage now, but what you see prominently displayed in my home are the pictures of all my family members--these are the people I needed to find and make peace with in order to fill the void in my heart. To forgive all past transgressions and find redemption in the eyes of both my makers, that was the ultimate test I had to pass. As I connect the dots now, I can see exactly how this hard-learned lesson played itself out over the past four decades, and I believe it is an important one to share with others who may get so distracted by the shiny prizes that the rat race has to offer that they may lose sight of what really matters in life. Mapping out the last 30 years, from where my original gifts and personality started to become quite evident to where I am now has been a great exercise, and one that I would encourage all my peers to go through-- even if you never intend to go that extra step of making it a story you share openly with the public. It is a worthwhile exercise for any of us hitting the "mid-life" point in our journey to connect with our past, see where we are now, and then question where we [...]
Sexual Escapades- where do you draw the line?
Let's face it, after 15 years I've just about heard or seen it all as a divorce lawyer. Unlike most in this town, I actually do know what goes on behind close doors. You can talk to me about multiple affairs, threesomes, swinging, cross-dressing, whatever, it's not going to make me blush at work. I've learned to suspend all judgment and maybe even freed myself of some of that old Catholic guilt that I grew up with-- but let's be real, I know that my family reads this blog, and I'm not going to dish about my past exploits here, although I must give props to my Jerry Maguire (who had me at hello) and Christian Grey (who was much gentler than the version in 50 Shades of Grey) for broadening my horizons in my late 30s. Nooners on the Hill really do happen, and many people in DC have a friend with benefits on speed dial. Scenes like the ones in House of Cards really do occur on a regular basis here. These are the facts of life, especially here in our nation's capitol. Again, I'm not here to pass judgment, but I do think we need to ask ourselves: where are we going to set the limits in our own lives? Who cares what the rest are doing? Focus on what you yourself can live with or not. For people in political office, however, there is an especially difficult burden that they must bear. The lines between their personal and professional lives are extremely blurred. They have chosen to be public figures, and that means someone will always be watching. A life as a public servant is not an easy one, and these people will find themselves at a far greater risk of getting caught for their indiscretions. Knowing this, I encourage those with political aspirations at the earliest age possible to start practicing discretion. Watch what you post, what you share, what you tweet-- keep your guard up at all times. Control what you share, and beware of what your friends are sharing. I think more and more people are adopting my attitude that we are really in no position to judge what someone else decides to do in the privacy of their own house-- but I do think we continue to hold our politicians and celebrities to a higher standard. Those that are taking on a position as a role model need to fly under the radar with their sexual escapades. Americans seem to be gaining ground [...]
Diamonds in the Rough
Let's face it, until we hit our late 20's, we are all diamonds in the rough. When I met my ex-husband, I was 20 years old-- not even done with college, nothing in savings, and no idea where I was going to work after graduation. I mainly wore jeans and had never been to a gala in my life. Obviously the guys I date now are getting involved with a completely different person. What I cherish most about the love story with my ex-husband is that he truly just loved my company. We may not have had much in the beginning, but we had each other. Meanwhile, his mom, whom I deeply admired, was an important executive in the retail world, and she is the one who took me under her wing and introduced me to fashion, make-up and spas. One could say she is greatly responsible for polishing the stone her son found. I got married while I was still in law school, and I didn't even have a clue what type of law I wanted to practice. To my husband, that didn't matter, as long as I was happy. That unconditional love and support is what became the wing beneath my wings that allowed me to fly. Fifteen years later, even though we are not together, I look back with great fondness at that young love because it is truly special-- and it is also quite painful, because I've had to accept that it will never, ever be recreated again in this lifetime. Dating later in life is different. Once you have hit your mid-30's, you should no longer be mining for diamonds in the rough. We will all make a lot of assessments about one another at record speed-- based on how we dress, where we live, our occupations, and what we do in our free time. Those of us that are pros at 20 questions can get all the basics within the first 15 minutes to determine whether it is worth investing any further time or not with you. So, not to be harsh, but let me be clear-- you need to be the shiniest diamond possible when you are out there in the dating world, and please do not be stupid enough to think that someone over 35 may just need a little help getting polished. By this point, you either have style, or you don't. You either have honed in on your true beauty (and [...]