Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
Smash Those Sex-Goggles!
We've all heard of beer goggles-- at least I hope I don't need to explain that one. But I'm not sure everyone is aware of what I jokingly refer to as "sex-goggles." Let's face it, once you start sleeping with someone, you just don't see things clearly. Hormones are now raging, and if the sex is pretty good, we've all had a tendency to cut someone a bit too much slack because, well to put it bluntly they're good in the sack. But that can only last for so long... No matter how good someone is, after a while, you just can't ignore their personality or issues in the relationship, and there just comes a point when you need to smash those sex-goggles in order to see things clearly. For the longest time, we used to joke about guys being p-whipped. Well, I'm sure it can happen in the reverse too... so should we called that d-whipped? Who cares--the point is that we all need to remember that no one's privates are made of gold, and there are plenty of skilled lovers out there, so you can't let a good lay keep you trapped in a dysfunctional relationship. We all know to take our time when finding the right fit with a potential employer, and it is drilled into us early on that we need to do our due diligence before we invest our money. When we are looking for that perfect job or investment, we research the company's mission, vision and values to make sure they align with our own. Well, the same approach should be applied to a life partner. If you care about charitable causes and believe that your work brings you meaning- can you really be with someone long-term that does not share these values? If you are the type that wants to enjoy life, and you don't care so much about saving-- can you really make it work with someone that is pinching pennies all the time? If you are assertive and want to confront issues as they arise, can you really respect someone who is passive and avoids difficult conversations? If you are the type that wants to save the world, can you really make it last with someone who just wants to save his/her own skin? In my opinion, these opposites are doomed from the beginning, but it may take them awhile to figure it out because they are blinded by those stupid sex goggles. Good [...]
MILFs Beware
Since the beginning of time, there has been no image more revered than that of a mother with her child. Just take a good look around all the famous museums in Europe and churches throughout the world. The image of the Madonna with her newborn evokes amazing feelings of warmth and unconditional love in most of us. Men actually bow down in the presence of such beauty. Why? Because our ability to give birth is a powerful one, and it is one of the few gifts that man will never truly be able to understand or experience. Sadly, at the same time that we are given such power, we also become the most vulnerable in our lives. These vulnerabilities are exploited blatantly at times, especially in the workforce, and then more subtlety often times, at home. We make so many sacrifices for our children and the desire to provide them with a beautiful home, good schools, stimulating activities and a fighting chance at a promising future. In the pursuit of their best interest, we may even try to suppress our own needs or desires, and this is where we really have to be careful because if we sacrifice too much of ourselves, we expose ourselves to true danger-- sometimes internal, but more often than not external. There are predators lurking everywhere, and while some are easy to spot, others are not. Beware of the wolf in sheep's clothing is a mantra all women need to embrace, especially in this day and age. Always keep your guard up and question people's motives-- not that I want to promote paranoia, but I say this because of everything I have seen and experienced both personally and through the lives of so many others that have needed my help as a divorce attorney over the last 15 years. Those who know me think of me as the eternal optimist, and indeed I do my best to focus on all the positive things in life. But let's be real-- I hear heart-breaking stories every day. It is my job to run damage control on a daily basis when love stories go awry. While I do my best to surround myself with positive energy, I cannot ignore the fact that there are negative forces out there as well. We all know that opposites attract-- but only over time will you be able to assess whether this dichotomy provides you with good balance. If those scales grossly tip to one side, and is [...]
Breaking the Silence
To suffer in silence is a very difficult cross to bear. When people come to my office to talk about their marital issues, very often they will admit to me that this is the first time they have told anyone there are any problems at home. Many times, people shed their first public tears, as they recount the series of events that has led them to my door. Men and women both choke up-- especially when talking about their kids--as they ask with uncertainty about what the future will look like. It is an incredibly personal part of their lives that people share with me each and every day. That moment when they first break their silence, especially if there has been significant verbal or physical abuse, is a powerful one. At first, there is often shame involved-- but I try to nip that in the bud. The one who should be ashamed is the abuser-- the moron that seeks power through threats. Luckily, in my legal world power is measured based on intellect and ability to influence-- so, I don't have to be built like a Sumo wrestler to pack a good punch! After the feelings of shame have subsided, there is a period of time where a person may feel stupid-- because now they are able to look back and piece together the signs. Hind-sight is 20/20, but no one should be faulted for trying to remain optimistic, for holding out hope that things will get better, for trying to rationalize certain incidents as related to stressful moments in a couples' life. The key question is when you finally had the a-ha moment, did you stay or did you flee? If you bailed and managed to survive, then you are NOT stupid. Once people have established their own safe haven, an amazing transformation begins to occur-- with each day these survivors grow stronger. There is a beautiful, generous side to most individuals within our community, and as friends and family rally to a person's side, I see them restore one's faith in humanity. Since the beginning of time, evil has always lurked around every corner. If you believe in the Bible, just look at all the examples in there, starting with the Fallen Angel, the Garden of Eden, and of course ending with the crucification of a wise, innocent man, who many consider to be the son of God. This [...]
Like Moses, Lost for 40 years
Among women, we always joke that the reason Moses remained lost in the desert for 40 years was because he wouldn't ask for directions. Well, I feel his pain-- even though I've never had a problem asking for directions! Sometimes, the path we need to take just isn't very clear, and along the way life has a funny way of making things complicated-- and here is why: because life is really a great stage in which our passions are played out. People are not always rational, and emotions very often make seemingly simple decisions impossible to implement. It's taken me a whole lifetime to figure out what on Earth happened between my parents so many years ago. 15 years of research as a family law attorney is what finally helped me piece together this puzzle, and only with my skills as a mediator/Collaborative attorney did I finally solve the stupid riddle of why my birth certificate lacked any mention of my father. Here is the simple answer: fear. We all react very badly when we are afraid, and horrible things may be said or done that can't be undone later on. Often we make the wrong choices because we are not thinking clearly. This is why in the heat of the moment, you need to take a step back, take a deep breath, and try to gain perspective. 40 years ago, my dad wasn't ready to be a dad. My mom, overwhelmed by the costs and responsibility of raising a child alone, tried to force him to do the "right thing." Well, there is nothing worse you can do in my world than give me an ultimateum and try to impose your will on me. I am after all my father's daughter, and so I can totally understand the series of events that transpired soon thereafter. In a battle of wills, with a zero sum game mentality, he walked away completely, and she then killed him off-- not literally, just in the first part my life. What could have had all the potential for a Greek tragedy or the makings of a dramatic Shakespeare play with everyone dying in the end, actually has a very happy ending. Why? Because this outlier refused to accept the reality of her world and decided to re-open the lines of communication. It did not happen overnight, and it was probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life, but I [...]
Blood Is Thicker Than Water
Not many adults can recall with complete accuracy the number of times they were with their fathers, but I can-- we have had 9 visits since we first reconnected in February 2011, and this now marks my third Father's Day with my dad in my life. The first year, I sent him an album that captured the first seven years of my son's life. The second year, he came to DC, where I showed him around town and joined him at the Fancy Food convention, where he showed me a part of his life. This year, I gave him the cover to the children's book I am working on about finding dad after 38 years. Clearly these are not your normal gifts, but then again, ours is not a normal story. Growing up as the Love Boat baby, I always wondered what it would be like to have a dad. Two years ago, when I finally met up with him at The Source in DC, it was instant recognition. When he hugged me, it was like pure electricity coursing through my veins. As I took in the sound of his voice, his movements, his choice in words, there wasn't a single jarring moment-- we just gelled. After all these years, finally being able to see where certain traits come from has given me an amazing sense of belonging. There is just so much likeness that I share with my dad and brother, and as a result when I am with them, there is an incredible sense of calm that washes over me, leaving no doubt in my mind that genetic connections have a strength beyond anything we can imagine. Others may come and go in our lives, but family will always be family.Tomorrow, a New York judge will finally hear about my parents' fateful meeting on a cruise ship 40 years ago that resulted in my birth. All this time, my birth certificate has omitted any mention of my father, and at this point, this piece of paper may seem like just a minor formality, and yet it is not. To put it crassly, that fatherless child no longer exists. She is all grown up, and by finding the courage to piece together her family life, she's found a profoud sense of connectivity, belonging and love beyond words. With my dad, I feel safe and accepted. I can be authentic and know that he gets me in a way that no other man ever will. I hope [...]
Sibling Rivalries
Right now, I have to say I feel like I have the best of both worlds-- I grew up as an only child, and was the center of attention until I went away to boarding school, where I quickly learned that the world does not revolve around me. Then much later in life, at age 38 I discovered that I have a a half brother in London and a step-brother right in my own backyard, here in DC! Over the past couple of years, my brothers and I have all made huge efforts to form and maintain a strong connection. It is quite remarkable how well we get along, and I'm sure it helps that I am 10 years older than both, and not a boy. So, I finally have the siblings I'd always longed for, without the baggage-- that, however, is incredilbly rare. Almost everyone else I know has some sort of issues with their brothers or sisters, some have worked through them, others have not. Last week, I had Dr. Gloria Vanderhorst discuss how these dynamics from the past creep up on families when the parents get sick or pass away. It is like these siblings get sucked into a time warp and revert back to the days when they were growing up, and past memories that may have been buried for years bubble to the surface. Here is our episode, where we share tips for handling the emotions that may overwhelm you at times while dealing with the care of an elderly parent, or managing a parent's estate after they have passed away. We also discuss the option of using a Collaborative Law approach to resolving any disputes rather than having things escalate into a nasty court battle. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u8c2SmztZ9o By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
The Richer Sex- Indeed!
This morning, I had the pleasure of attending a talk hosted by APEX Home Loans, with Liza Mundy as the guest speaker. Liza is the author of "The Richer Sex," which talks about how the new majority of female breadwinners is transforming sex, love and family. She is a reporter for the Washington Post, and what I love about her talk is that it is all based on research, data, and NOT just her personal opinion. Here were some salient points: - 60% of college students are now women. -40% of households are run by women. -71% of women are now working. She talked about the "independance effect," which is a term coined by economists that basically recognizes that with economic independance, women can leave and do whatever they want. Fantastic! To me, this is how it should be-- we stay in relationships because we want to-- not because we have to. We've heard a lot of talk lately about how this is all affecting children, and of course one very prominent politician just got a lot of slack for suggesting that the decline in education is due to more women being out in the workforce. The reality is that studies show working moms actually spend more quality time with their children, and the kids will be fine as long as they grow up in a happy environment. It is not a coincidence that the best relationships I have ever had were with men, who ALL grew up with working moms. They have this profound respect for women, and never belittled my contributions. Of course, the best of all was my ex-husband, whose mother was a very successful business woman, and even though our marriage did not last, my ex-husband continues to support my career and non-profit endeavors. In fact, this morning, he covered child-care issues for me so that I could go attend the lecture and book signing. As I was leaving, our son said, "I'm so glad you are not a traditional mom-- that would be boring." He has no idea how proud he made me feel at just that moment. Now, I may not be rich if you are just measuring this based on the amount of money in someone's bank account, but in terms of experiences, education, relationships and opportunities-- I feel like a lotto winner. Education paves the way to having more choices in life, and having those options, is PRICELESS. By Regina [...]
Boy Scouts of America- thanks for joining the 21st century!
In the last 13 years, we have really come a long way with recognizining that gay marriages is about equal treatment under the law. We now have over a dozen states that permit gay marriages, and hopefully next month the Supreme Court will knock down DOMA (Defense of Marriage Act) which denies most federal benefits to gay couples. As many people now realize, until this past month the Boy Scouts of America did not allow for openly gay members. Finally, they have voted to change this policy-- but not completely. Leaders of the organization are not allowed to be openly gay. Now that makes a lot of sense, train these young boys with the purpose of making them good citizens with leadership skills, but then deny them the right to be part of the very organization that trained them?!? Here is the link to my segment on this issue with a local scout mom, who is continuing to fight the fight for equality: 1 min http://youtu.be/FONIepxJbWQ
Safe-Sexting Guidelines
While generally speaking anything seems to goes these days, it does seem like we are in need of some basic guidlines for our modern dating world. Some things seem rather basic like (1) maybe you should hold off changing your relationship status on Facebook for the first couple of months after meeting someone; (2) before changing your profile picture to a joint photo or sending someone a relationship request, you should talk about it with the other person; and (3) be polite and get permission before posting a pic with tags. Sadly, while these may all seem obvious FB protocols, apparently not everyone gets this, and judgment becomes even more questionable once things get a bit more steamy and a pair starts sexting. What is the big deal about sexting? Well, single hot brainiacs are a rare breed, and sexting is a great way to engage in witty banter at rapid speed. It is a game that accelerates that adrenaline rush, and to be good at the play on words is a true skill. When sexting, you engage the mind while conjuring up some great visuals. It helps bridge the gap until you can meet up again, and can certainly add a little spice to your day. I get all of this, but just be careful. With the help of some friends, here are some suggested guidelines: 1. Don't do this with strangers. Make sure you have vetted this person first. This truly is something you engage in with someone you trust, and you should probably have an agreement about privacy, regularly deleting past texts, etc. 2. Try to stick to one person a night. I get that a lot of people in the game will have multiple people in the mix at one time, but there is no easier way to get busted than to send the text to the wrong person. 3. Avoid sending crass pics. Seriously, no one needs to see your junk on their phone, and God alone knows where it could end up-- although there are actually some apps that allows you to send a pic that can't be downloaded, and it essentially self destructs in 7 seconds. Amazing what people will think up! 4. Pick the right time. During the day, we should really all be focused on work, and if you have kids, try to spend quality time with them and keep your sexting out of it. 5. Fess up fast. If you suck at it, just say it's not your thing. [...]
Integrating Into a Family- It Takes Time
Most people get a little nervous when they are introducing someone new to their family. Now multiply that feeling by ten, and imagine that the person you are introducing is yourself... The last time this happened to me, was almost 20 years ago when I met my former in-laws. It took several visits over the course of a few years before we were really at ease with each other, but they were so warm and welcoming (which is how it should be) that after a while I had no doubt they loved me like a daughter, which is precisely why the divorce was so hard on all of us. Who knew that that experience with my in-laws would be the perfect prep for what I would go through in January 2011? People are amazed when they see how close I am with my dad and his whole side of my family, but I have to emphasize that we all put in a huge effort to make this happen-- and it did not happen overnight. We took our time getting to know one another- and that is how it should be in any relationship. Both sides did their part to travel and remain connected-- and again, this two-way dynamic is a key component in any healthy relationship. Only after a lot of hard work did we get to where we are today, where I am happy to report that our interactions are quite normal ones that everyone can relate to-- well almost. I may not have any of the baggage that others have with their siblings, so that is nice, but it is still weird when they all talk about the village where dad grew up or other relatives that we have in Vigo, which I have not been to yet. I'm sure one day soon I will be able to put all of this into better context, but for now I am just grateful that we can all be ourselves around each other. After nine visits (and weekly phone calls) with my dad, I can finally just leave him alone with my son and let them bond while I go take care of other things. We no longer act like guests in each others homes-- everyone now just helps themselves to whatever they need, we own up to our mistakes and can be honest about our likes and dislikes without fear of offending anyone. Before, I was painfully aware that we were all trying to [...]