Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
What Will We Do With Domestic Partnerships?
Recently, someone was trying to claim the existence of a domestic partnership, even though the parties had not lived together very long and the other person denied any intent to create a domestic partnership. Suffice to say, at times like this I appreciate how clear and precise the law likes to be, which is why we have committees that work out the definitions of all sorts of things, including a domestic partner. Most states (and insurance companies) require the couple to live together for at least 6-12 months, and often there is a registration process. They will also want proof of your joint residency and that you rely on one another, not just for love, but also financial support-- so a joint bank statement or loan documents, as well as evidence of having each other designated in the other's will, power of attorney, etc. If you want to make sure you cover all the bases, it is best to consult with a family law attorney in your area. Originally, many states created domestic partnerships to try and provide some rights (like insurance benefits) to gay partners that could not be legally married in that state, but in other states this could apply to heterosexual couples as well. Now that DOMA has been repealed so that our federal government will have to recognize gay marriages, more states will surely follow suit-- if for no other reason than to keep things clear and simple. This then begs the question- what will happen to domestic partnerships? I'm hoping more states will open up this option to heterosexual couples, and that perhaps we can all enjoy this as a "Marriage-Lite" alternative that will enable couples to recognize their commitment legally, without risking full financial exposure in the event things don't work out. For those that may never want to get married again and risk full financial exposure in the event of a divorce, I kind of like the idea of being able to legally recognize that you are in a long-term, loving and committed relationship for purposes of deriving certain benefits, but without opening yourself up to a fight over marital assets or alimony. If you are done having kids, and are over the age of 40 with assets, I think this may be a nice way to commit-- without over-extending yourself or needing a prenup. This marriage-lite option, which is quite popular in Europe, is really under-utilized here in the US-- especially by heterosexual couples, and it's something I am really warming [...]
What Qualifies for An Annulment?
This question keeps coming up-- as if people expect me to be able to hand them an eraser so they can just wipe away the need for an involved legal process that requires at least six months to one year of a physicial separation, depending on the jurisidiction, before they can actually file for a divorce and have the courts recognize the dissolution of their marriage. People are stunned to learn that although it is rather easy to tie the knot, it is not that easy to get divorced. Trying to avoid the whole process by claiming there was never a valid marriage is clever-- but shrewdness alone will not get you an annulment. Again, depending on the laws of each state, you often have to prove the following: 1. Marriage was entered into under fraud; 2. Your parnter did not disclose some material fact-- like a criminal history, impotence, or STDs; 3. One party lacked the mental capacity to knowingly enter into the marriage; 4. You were related by blood; 5. You got married under duress, in other words, threats were used to coerce you to enter Into marriage; 6. One party was already married, without having obtained a divorce, and therefore was ineligible to marry another. Annulments are hard to prove, which is why so few people ever file for them. You also need to do a cost/benefit analysis-- there are many emotional reasons, especially if children are involved, why someone would never cooperate with an annulment but will gladly sign a Separation Agreement and permit a party to proceed with an uncontested divorce. We all have moments from our past that we wish we could erase, but in the legal world, we don't take kindly to that-- so go ahead and purge everything (once the legal paper work is done) that may remind you of this unfortunate part of your life, just don't get your hopes up that the courts will help you void out a marriage so easily. We make it easy to say "I do," but not to say, "I'm done." By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
5 Tips for Engaged Couples
Summer love is in full swing, especially with some great tunes! Personally, I am digging Taylor Swift's break up song, as I walk around feeling like I'm "22" and navigating some seriously "Blurred Lines." Many are probably dancing until the crack of dawn out to "Get Lucky" and looking for that "Ooh-la-la." But, if you have managed to get past all of this and decided to tie the knot, you are now playing in a whole different ballpark. You are less focused on which parties to attend and more focused on hosting the biggest event of your life. Excited yet nervous at the same time, you have some major issues to work out with your significant other. After 15 years of helping couples with their prenups, and sharing my words of wisdom as a matrimonial lawyer on things to avoid, here are my top 5 tips: 1. Talk about finances- you may not want to do a prenup, but at least have the discussion about (a)what you think should be kept separate, (b) what you consider to be joint, and (c) how you will handle the household budget. If you are willing to memorialize this in a prenup, even better. These do not cost a lot of money and buy you a tremendous peace of mind. In the meantime, if you feel overwhelmed by money talks or find that the two parties have vastly different views on spending vs. saving, go meet with a financial planner. On a more pratical and immediate level, however, you need to set a realistic wedding and honeymoon budget. These are not minor or easy discussions, and they often involve other family members, so these can be fairly sensitive discussions-- better to get these out of the way sooner rather than later under incredibly calm (preferrably sober) circumstances. . 2. Premarital counseling- This is totally different from couples counseling that you seek when things are already breaking down-- if you are there, that is NOT a good sign. What I am talking about is a pro-active effort to get some professional advice on strategies that will enhance your relationship. Many religious institutions offer courses, and there are some great on-line resources or workshops for couples, just one weekend if you like, where you can have a facilitated dialogue about how you envision your partnership working. What is important to you in a spouse? What are that person's needs and desires? Do you share the same core [...]
Savor Those Home-Runs!
No I am not talking about sex today, although don't get me wrong you should savor those home runs. But using baseball as an analogy for life, we all have days where we feel like we're up at bat, not quite sure that we'll properly hit the balls being thrown at us from various angles, and then every so often (hopefully) you have one of those days or weeks where you just feel like Bryce Harper-- your bat is not just making contact with the ball and scoring singles or doubles, but you are literally knocking that ball out of the park with the bases fully loaded. Well, this was one of those weeks for me. It is rare to have a day where everything goes right, so usually I am just happy with a balanced day-- some good, some bad, as long as it all evens out in the end. Over the years, I have just learned that when you are pulled in a million different directions, it's just not possible to be going at 100% in all the areas of life, but I try to keep in mind that 90% is still an A. It was not easy to let go of some over-achiever tendencies until recently, but those of us in our 40's juggling work and home life with young kids have to recognize that we can't keep running with all the cylinders at full blast-- you can try, and you will most likely kill yourself or burn out. So my week started with the request to comment on Tuesday's show for Good Morning America, which thankfully was well-received. Then I took one day off to attend camp with my son. To be honest, I was a bit nervous about spending Parent's Day at his summer camp-- you never know how kids will react to you, and you never want to embarass your child. Luckily, they all seemed to like me-- especially after gymnastics hour, where I somehow managed to pull off some old tricks. After 20 years, who knew I still had that in me? Luckily, no videos exist of the moment, so there will be no Youtube videos going viral. The fact that I could get the rest of my work done for my clients, plus plan the children's book launch, and make time to have dinner with friends and my brother 4 nights this week was a total bonus. So what is the likelihood that I'll [...]
The Serenity Prayer for Divorcing Couples
Alcoholics Anonymous has made this serenity prayer famous: Grant me the ability to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I wish divorcing couples (and their attorneys) would embrace this as their mantra. Every day I see people totally lose it. It is a bit like having someone pee on my carpet, and then I'm left with a mop to try and clean it up. As a matrimonial attorney for over 15 years, I have become an expert at damage control, yet as I work my magic I often ask myself that famous line from Forrest Gump, "are you crazy or just plain stupid?" Honestly, few people in DC are stupid; in fact we have one of the most densely populated areas of highly educated individuals, and yet some of the most brilliant professionals I have ever met do insane things in their personal lives. Why? Simple- because they are realizing that things are completely outside of their control. There is nothing more disturbing to a control-freak than the moment when they are forced to reckon with the fact that they can't control everything or everyone around them. As I watch the chaos around me, it all becomes a bit surreal-- kind of like a Matrix moment, where somehow I find a way to just hit pause in the movie, and while everyone else around me is frozen, I allow myself to laugh at the absurdity of it all and think through some options calmly. Unfortunately, not everyone has this ability, including some of the attorneys involved, and so perhaps we should just recap some main points that people need to remember in a divorce: 1. You will no longer be able to know at every moment where your children are or what they are doing with the other parent; 2. You will no longer be able to know your spouse's every whereabouts, who they socialize with, or how much they earn or spend each week; 3. You will no longer be able to get an immediate response to a call, email or text-- you are separating and therefore you no longer will rank at the top; 4. You will no longer be able to make demands of the other person-- if you want their cooperation, you need to play nice. A positive attitude will usually receive positive reinforcement whereas a negative attitude will rarely get you anything [...]
Divorce Financing- A New Trend?
The crash of the housing boom has been felt by everyone-- trust me, I see it every day. People used to just sell their homes, split the proceeds and go their separate ways with a nice chunk of change. Not so much the last couple of years as people have seen their home values take a dive, leaving many with homes under water. In a divorce, this issue is further exacerbated by the fact that few still have Lines of Credit or Home Equity Lines that they can borrow against to help pay their legal fees. So what are people that need legal assistance supposed to do in order to pay for desperately needed legal services? They need to borrow cash-- at least $20,000 on the low end for a litigated case, and as much as $400,000 depending on the complexity of the issues and assets at stake. Today, on Good Morning America we will be talking about a growing trend in the US-- obtaining a loan through a divorce finance company to assist not just with legal fees, but also living expenses until the divorce is finalized and the assets are distributed. Nicole Noonan, who is a former New York matrimonial attorney, and is now director of client services at BBL Churchill Group, will be featured on GMA for her efforts to assist women that are short on cash re-gain some bargaining power through the short-term loans her company can provide them. This is an incredible solution to a problem I've been grappling with the last 15 years as a divorce attorney in DC. Here is why: 1. Credit cards- Many have already maxed out their limits, or perhaps they have no credit of their own and have been cut off from their spouse's cards, so often these are not an option. If it is an option, it is often at a very high rate of 18% or more. That is a really steep price to pay. 2. Family & Friends- Few are in a position to really lend much money, but even so you need these people for emotional support and that is worth its weight in gold. Borrowing money from them is going to put an added strain on your relationship with this core group of people that you will need to get you through this tough transition period in your life. 3. Retirement Funds- If you raid your IRA or 401(k) to [...]
Independance Day for Alpha Females
As I celebrate this Independance Day with my son in our nation's capitol, there is just so much that I am grateful for, especially in terms of the free will I have been afforded in my life. By being born in this country, and then having been given the gift of an amazing education, today I am able to be the master of my own domain beyond what I ever could have imagined 20 years ago while backpacking through Europe by myself. The summer of 1993, after I finished my studies in Spain, I decided to travel a bit on my own. I was surrounded by so much beauty, and because I was alone, I was able to wake up when I wanted to, eat when I was hungry, see whatever I wanted to see or skip whatever did not interest me, and set my own itinerary each and every day. Looking back 20 years later, it all makes so much sense now-- I have always been a strong and independant soul. So when you fast forward to the present, it really isn't that surprising to find that I run my own business, where I take the cases I want and turn away those that I don't think will be a good fit. In the meantime, I develop my own tv programs and manage my own independant projects, like my lectures or the children's book that will be released next month, all while also running my own tight ship at home. As one of my college friends, a former special ops guy, recently pointed out to me-- I am the epidemy of the alpha female. Yes, well, we are a special breed, and I am not going to lie-- to survive, you are going to have to embrace solitude. By that, I do not mean that you have to live alone forever or feel lonely. But the fact is those with beauty and brains don't really need to compromise much, and we don't suffer fools well. So, you need to be okay with just doing your own thing and finding your own fun. Enjoy the freedom that you have in life, and don't worry about not having a mate. People will come and go in your life, and you need to go with the flow when it comes to relationships. Finding Mr. Right is simply going to take a very long time, so get comfortable with [...]
Emotional Thermometers & Parenting Post 9/11
We all have different strengths-- and luckily one of mine is that I'm a very visual person. When someone tells me their story, I can start to see it like a movie, and then I can play out different endings in my head. By hitting rewind, I can work backwards and figure out the best way to get them the ending that they want, well at least as far as their divorce story goes. But what if they could have used some visuals earlier on, hit pause, and prevented the need to ever see me? I believe it is possible-- not easy, but not impossible. A few years ago, my esteemed colleague, Steve Stein, wrote an article for Washington Parent entitled, "Measuring Your Family's Emotional Thermometer." In it he strongly encourages parents to imagine a thermometer to gauge the level of emotion in a child. Of course, the same technique could be applied to any member of the family, and the point is that if someone is at a 7-10 range, which means emotions are high, this is probably not the best time to have a difficult conversation. You need to be at a 1-3 range for calmer heads to prevail when discussing a hot-topic. Unfortunately, not enough people use this emotional thermometer tool, and when people do not fight well and resolve conflict in a way that brings you closer, then with each additional battle you run the risk of further alienating that other person and completely undermining your relationship. Visualize this: with each jab you make, with each incident where you shutdown and withhold your affection or each snarky, cynical remark you make, you are literally chiseling away at the foundation of your love. Before you know it, that bull dozer approach has just destroyed all that trust and respect that you spent so much time building in the beginning, and man it can all come crashing down at once in a nano-second, with one person bailing and the other left standing in the middle of all the rubble wondering what the hell just happened. As a divorce attorney, I can tell you it is far easier to represent the person who has bailed instead of the person left behind. It is no secret that the one dumped has a much harder time picking up the pieces and moving forward. No doubt everyone has emotional scars, but the dumper heals much, much faster-- and this [...]
The Demise of DOMA
The Defense of Marriage Act, which defined a marriage for purposes of federal law, as only the bond between a man and a woman, was finally struck down today by the Supreme Court. It was with great joy that I learned the news just as I was leaving DC Superior Court, and so I was able to walk over to the courthouse, where the highest judges of our great nation, issued their landmark ruling striking down DOMA as unconstitutional. Just 20 years ago, no one could have predicted this outcome-- not a single state recognized gay marriages back then, and many were still debating whether this was a sexual preference, a choice, a deviant way of living that should remain hidden. Many have asked why this issue bothers me so much, and I would ask the reverse-- how could it not bother you? As President Obama said so eloquently today, "the laws of our land are catching up to the fundamental truth that millions of Americans hold in our hearts: when all Americans are treated as equal, no matter who they are or whom they love, we are all more free." A dear friend of mine from high school and college was brilliant, beautiful and gay. He confided in me how afraid he was of rejection and being ostracized. I kept telling him it would all be okay, and I truly wanted it to be okay for him. We lost touch after graduation, as I went on and delved myself into my legal textbooks, and I heard a few years later that he committed suicide. Jeremy, I wish you could be here today to witness what I saw-- gay couples proudly holding hands and kissing in front of the Supreme Court. Banners and rainbow flags everywhere, as masses celebrated today's decision. I made the trek to witness this historic moment with my own eyes, and it was beautiful! Be proud of who you are, and never lose hope. The Supremes-- you earned your name today. By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
Momentary Lapses of Reason
It happens to all of us- a momentary lapse of reason that leads to incredibly severe consequences. We hear about it every day-- someone might have a Woods moment and take a golf club to a car after finding out about an affair; another may get behind the wheel of a car after too many drinks and crash; sports players are notorious for their lapses in judgment-- like Ryan Mattheus, who lost his temper after a game and punched a locker, which caused him to break his own hand. Not too long ago another Nats player, Bryce Harper swung at the wall and his own bat came flying back at him and injured him. These flashes of anger last a second, but sometimes their impact can last a lifetime. When ending a relationship, we all run the risk of saying something or doing something terrible because our emotions are running high. The sooner you can visualize a line that should not be crossed, the better off you will be. Consider this is an exercise in impulse control-- it is about learning self-restraint. The goal you need to envision is exiting with dignity and grace. With that clear goal in mind, and strategies for remaining calm, hopefully you can extricate yourself from a messy situation without too much regret. Among the rules of engagement that I think are paramount when un-coupling are the following: 1. Stay focused- as fast as you can, try to unravel whatever ties you have that bind you together. If you need professional help, don't delay-- get advice right away. 2. No means no-- if someone says "cease and desist from further contact" that really means leave them alone. Do you really want to wind up with harrassment charges? 3. Refrain from threats- these often backfire anyway, but do you really want the police at your house? No sane person really wants to explain their situation to a judge in an open courtroom. 4. Make requests, not demands- you can only control your own behavior, not anyone else's so choose your words carefully, and be prepared for non-compliant behavior. 5. Try to be civil- please and thank yous go a long way, not just in the beginning, but in the end. Just because the partnership is ending doesn't mean all modes of civility get tossed out the window. 6. Don't involve the children- No matter what, the cardinal rule should be to minimize the [...]