Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
Cash is King in a Divorce- So Find A Way To Level The Playing Field
I really hate to say this, but just the other day a judge told me "he who holds the gold has control." It is sad but true, you may want your day in court, but can you afford it? Not many can-- at least not without some help. If significant sums of cash are not readily available to you, and you don't have a Line of Credit and can't borrow from family or friends, where are you going to come up with the $10,000 or more required as a typical litigation retainer? I've seen many cash out their 401(k)s or IRAs in order to finance their divorce or custody disputes, and every day I see people settle in order to avoid digging a deeper financial hole for themselves. These are not very appealing options to say the least. There is a reason married men like to jokingly say, "it is cheaper to keep her." A litigated divorce that is hotly contested is simply not cheap-- you are paying for legal services by the hour, and the average rates for a good attorney in DC will range from $300-600 per hour. Custody evaluations start at $15,000 if you are using a private expert vs. the court services. Vocational experts and business valuation experts also work by the hour and with retainers starting at least with $5,000. If your child needs to have his/her own attorney, that is yet another expense that is usually pro-rated among the parties. I will skip the full range of experts available, but hopefully you can start to see how easily the bills rack up. Earlier this month, Good Morning America presented a story about a financial firm in NY that lends money to women going through a divorce. Based on the assets involved, the bank can loan an individual up to $250,000 to cover not just attorney's fees, but also living expenses while the litigation is pending. These are like short-term bridge loans, with interest rates ranging from about 8-20% Obviously clients need to really do their homework to make sure this is the best option for them, but I definitely see this as a growing trend. It was an honor to be able to contribute to this piece, and for those who missed the GMA segment, here is the link: http://gma.yahoo.com/blogs/abc-blogs/fairy-godmother-levels-financial-playing-field-divorces-145216613.html By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
Eat, Pray, Love- It Really Is That Simple!
I haven't read Liz Gilbert's book in years, and never saw the movie with Julia Roberts because I didn't want to destroy the images in my own head about how that story should be depicted, but the message from her post-divorce journey has stuck with me all these years. When you suffer a setback, it can take awhile to return to your natural state of being, and those of us that are able to rebound quickly truly do abide by this simple formula: remember to eat, pray and love every day. Why Eat? Because we all need nourishment, and breaking bread with another human being is a very social thing to do. To me, eating alone is a chore, and when I am upset it is the last thing in the world I want to do, but because my friends and family know this, what do they do when they want to make sure I'm ok? They feed me-- they prepare the most delicious meals and remind me that I am not actually a machine, although sometimes I may feel that way. While we eat, people share their stories with me, and they restore my faith in humanity, and to be honest, more important than feeding my body, they nurture my soul-- but the body needs actual food to survive, and that is exactly why my loved ones feed me. So as much as I complain about everyone bugging me about eating, let me just say, my skinny butt actually does appreciate it! Why Pray? In whatever form you wish to do this, I think it is important to express gratitude for what you have, to show remorse for some of your shortfalls, and to project hope in a better future. Ever since I was a child, my grandmother taught me to believe in a greater power-- whatever that might be-- and I am convinced that it is my faith that has saved me all these years and allowed me to survive. Despite what may appear to be a charmed life, I have had to face some very harsh realities over the years, but in those darkest hours it is my prayers (and perhaps those of others around me too) that have spared me from falling into the abyss. Why Love? I hate to answer a question with a question, but without love, how can there be life? Life is all about love-- learning to love yourself, your family, and your surroundings. When you can accept [...]
5 Key Benefits to Dating Younger Men
Many of us have a type, but what happens when that "type" continually doesn't work out for you? Perhaps it is time to reassess things and broaden your horizons. Generally, I would date older guys-- not a lot older, but 4-6 years older, until last year. Dating someone over a decade older clearly did not pan out, so now I'm starting to think maybe going in the opposite direction may be the way to go? This is much more accepted these days than 20 years ago-- just look at this week's news: Tina Turner (age 73) tied the knot with Bach (age 57), resulting in nothing but joyful wishes-- not a single scandalous remark. Now, I am not saying I plan to follow in Tina's footsteps, even though she is one cool and strong lady! After surviving the whole Ike debacle, she's continued to soar in her industry without ever looking back, and I hope she continues to serve as a shining example for other DV survivors out there. But I don't mean to digress, this is about the benefits of dating younger guys. So here are some of the positive points that I've come up with thus far: 1. Fewer power struggles- I can only hope that someone who has yet to experience certain things and is in an earlier phase in their career will not get into some stupid competition with an older woman, who is more established in her career and life, perhaps just by virtue of age, if not also greater opportunties. 2. More Energy- In general, energy diminishes with age, just as health issues tend to rise. Some guys will suffer from low testosterone and decreased sex drives after 45, while their female counterparts may just be ramping up as their kids get older and are more self-sufficient. Younger guys have a clear advantage here. 3. The Eye Candy Factor- Let's face it, a lot of guys don't age well. They get beer bellies, lose some hair, and may even slack off at the gym because they are "too busy at work." Whatever- not to be superficial, but just as guys have expected women to keep it together for years, guess what? We are now expecting the same from them, and yet no matter what your average 55 year old guy is just not going to have the same kind of body as a 35 year old. If I'm a kid in candy store, really there is no contest here. 4. [...]
Why Are Women So Complicated?
I get this question a lot- most recently the exact question was this: as beautiful as you ladies are, why is it always served with a dish of complexity... can't it be served in a fun, easy, chilled out manner... a la carte? What I love most about this question is that it shows the guy is actually putting some thought into this social conundrum, and I truly appreciate the honest desire he is expressing, which is rare. So, let me try to shed some light on this common issue men seem to have with us... First, not that I am a sociologist, but we can all accept that for centuries, a woman had to multi-task at home, caring for the needs of many and not just herself. Simultaneously playing the caretaker role as a daughter, mother, and wife can cause a lot of internal conflict, and often women who have not learned to say "no" or realized that they can't please everyone at once, will go into emotional overload or have a meltdown. It is not that we are more "emotional" than guys, it is just that previously we took a lot more in, whereas before guys, who were just trained to be hunters, would go out on their singular mission (to provide) and in the process screw the prettiest young thing they'd fancy. As the saying goes, guys have a one track mind-- problem is, girls don't. If guys could just learn to communicate with us better, instead of seeking the path of least resistance by avoiding difficult conversations, they may actually heighten their emotional IQ and find us much more willing to be easy-going. Second, Generation X women grew up under Title IX, which means we were bred to believe that we could do anything a guy can do-- except maybe write our names in the snow. So now we can hunt just as well as our male counterparts, which means unlike before we are just as inclined to move on and go hunt again rather than try to talk it out when things get complicated. While we are on the prowl, however, our upper hand is this: we care more about quality over quantity, so we can actually exercise patience. Especially those that are in the top 10% (based on income and education levels)-- these women know exactly how much leverage they have, and if their needs and desires aren't going to be met, why waste time? Guys are thrown for a loop by this, mainly because few men have [...]
Sex Advice from a GenXer’s Version of Dr. Ruth
Dr. Ruth Westheimer is now 85 years old, and although it has been ages since I've listened to her speak, I can recall her voice as if I'd heard it just yesterday. I remember how controversial this vocal sex therapist was back in her day. Times have definitely changed, and given our vastly different generations and backgrounds, I'm sure we wouldn't see eye-to-eye on everything, but sharing our opinions about sex unabashedly is definitely something we share in common. So maybe one day I can aspire to be the Dr. Ruth for GenXers? Heck, I'll just start today because there are a couple of conversations that I've had lately with my peers that require immediate attention... 1. Don't Worry About Numbers- Recently, while talking with some highly educated single women in their 40s I heard a few express concern about not having too high a number of sex partners. Seriously-- who cares? It is not like this is some publicized number that goes on your resume! Guys don't want to know details about your past, and you don't need to over share. Keep your mouth shut about numbers, but do get tested for STDS, and then go have fun! 2. Don't Let Kids Ruin Your Fun- Many of my married friends with young kids talk about having zero energy at the end of the day. Work and children can zap us of all our strength, and yet people-- you need to make time to have sex- and I'm not talking about a quickie once a week. WTF? Hopefully you had fun "trying" to have a child-- so there is no reason why you shouldn't allow yourself to continue to have fun after kids come into the picture. Make all the excuses in the world you want, but I promise you that if you lose intimacy with your partner, you are entering very dangerous territory. 3. Sex Improves with Age- Well, at least up to a certain point. For those ages 20-45 let me just say that in general how you enjoy sex will change over time. As you become more confident in your skills, and less inhibited, you will become more vocal about your preferences, and you won't even try to fake success. Either you got the job done or not, and maybe sometimes you need to engage in a little show and tell to help out the overall team performance. If it is true that it all goes downhill after 50 (don't know for sure, thankfully [...]
Creating Mutually Beneficial Relationships
A decade ago, while happily married, I could not understand how people would get into these FTF (friends that f..) situations. At that time, it seemed to me that people were wasting their time and possibly closing off opportunities to actually find Mr. or Mrs. Right. But of course, that presumed that everyone was on a mission to meet his/her soul mate, and I obviously now realize that is not the case for many, who find the very idea of just one "soul mate" to be a ridiculous Hollywood concept-- makes for great movies, but doesn't accurately reflect real life. With age, and experience, I have mellowed over the last 10 years. I now see that at different stages in life people need/want different things. Who are we to pass judgment on another person's life choices? As long as they don't cross any legal boundaries, I say live and let live. But if you are going establish a Friends with Benefits arrangement, you need to have an honest discussion with each other to make sure it is a mutually beneficial relationship-- in other words, make sure you are on the same page before you embark on this venture. Here are a few topics I think should be covered when creating an FTF arrangement: 1. Are you going to leave it open about posting things on FB, Twitter, Instagram, etc? 2. Are you okay with PDA (public displays of affection)? 3. Have you both been tested/treated for any STDs? 4. What kind of birth control are you going to use? 5. In case of any accidents, how do you feel about an abortion? 6. How many other partners, if any, are you going to have in the mix? 7. What things are off limits to you? 8. Are you okay with a last minute booty call text? 9. Do you require follow up the next day? 10. Do you expect to go out on dates, or just screw? 11. Do you expect to sleep over, or do you like sleeping in your own bed at night? 12. Are you going to leave stuff behind- toothbrush, change of clothes? 13. Do you have an expectation re the frequency of your encounters? 14. Why is it that you are both open to this arrangement? These are all important questions to cover-- and the last one to me is super important. Usually, someone is focused on other things or [...]
5 Steps to Help Cast Out Evil Spirits
My grandmother was a very spiritual person, and she definitely believed in evil spirits. When I left home at 14 to go to boarding school, I'll admit I forgot some of the lessons she passed on to me, mainly because in those ivory towers, I was shielded from many of the harsh realities of life. But after a decade of living in my beautiful Utopia, I was sent back off into the real world, armed with an incredible amount of knowledge and my pen as my sword to go fight in the legal arena. Admittedly, in the beginning I enjoyed the brawls, and many of my colleagues probably remember the victory dance that I'd engage in after a blood bath where I'd annihilated my enemy. Those were the days... NOT my glory days, but rather the days when the dark side almost got the best of me. Giving the gift of life to another brought on a new set of responsibilities, and changed my view about the world. I began to re-think the values I wished to instill upon this newborn warrior-- and I do mean to use the word warrior because the last 15 years I have seen a very sinister side of humanity, which has convinced me that my grandmother, who lived to the ripe old age of 97, indeed had it right-- there are evil spirits in this world. And yet, she managed to cast them out of her life, so I know it can be done, and here is how: 1- Cast out the demons within you. It turns out facing our own demons is far scarier than any outside threats I'd ever encountered. Working through painful issues from the past is never easy, but the only way out of the rabbit hole is by going through it. When you come out on the other end, you will be amazed at your strength-- and the inner peace that you find you will guard dearly. 2- Show gratitude every day. You don't have to necessarily pray the way my grandmother did every day, but you should develop some sort of daily ritual where you give thanks for things we often take for granted like food, shelter, family, friends, and life itself. If you adopt this minimalist attitude, soon everything extra will seem like a bonus. 3- Words of Affirmation. Make sure you affirm yourself every morning as you start your day-- no one else may do this for you, but you won't even crave external [...]
Standing Up to Bullies
Every single week I seem to have to deal with bullies-- not the school yard type, although I'm sure it probably started back then, but I mean the grown up version that like to make threats as a sick way of feeling in control or powerful. You can't let their threats scare you-- although of course, you have to be careful and protect yourself, but to give in to their demands just empowers them further. For every inch you give, they will take a mile, so if there is one thing I can tell you unequivocably, it is this: DO NOT CAVE IN. Whether you win or lose against a bully doesn't matter as much as the fact that you stand up and fight. This is the same advice I would give to a child just as much as I would to an adult, perhaps much to the chagrin of some school counselors out there, but my point is that sooner rather than later in life you have to make it clear that you will not be anyone's doormat. For me this defining moment occured at the age of 8, when I confronted my first adult male bully. This is how I know it can be done early on, and your size doesn't matter, it is your fiesty spirit that will allow you to confront a bully of any age and size. I understand that some people may lack my resolve, which is why people often hire an attorney to fight their battles. Obviously, I don't have a problem doing that for you, but I so wish you would all just empower yourselves a bit more. To help you, let me share a philosophy that someone shared with me: in this world, their are 2 types of people-- those that screw with others, and those that let themselves get screwed. If you just go with this for a minute, then answer this question: of the two choices, which would you want to be? The answer should be obvious. Throughout my 15 years as a matrimonial attorney, I have seen people at their worst. I can only hope these people move on to a better place in life after I'm done amputating the part of their life that is no longer functioning for them. But while they are in crisis mode, I often get people that want to treat me like a crutch or use me as a punching bag. I make [...]
The True Color of Money
When I see green, I think of plants and natural life, but when money discussions come up, all I seem to be surrounded by are people either out for blood using their lawyers as hired guns, or wanting to die by ingesting all sorts of crap into their system that obviously isn't doing a good enough job of numbing their pain, but will surely kill them one of these days. Suffice to say, these last 15 years, I have seen a very dark part of our society, and in my humble opinion the true color of money should be red to symbolize the fiery hell it is creating here on Earth. For 25 years, I have been observing the rich and famous, ever since they granted me access to their world when I was shipped off to an elite boarding school through a scholarship program for gifted but underprivileged NYC youth. This is why I don't have the typical immigrant mentality, which focuses on survival. I grew up with old-money values: (1) don't flaunt your wealth, (2) pursue something you are passionate about, and (3) give something back to society. The problem is that these old-money values are increasingly rare to find in a technologically advanced world obsessed with instant gratification. The tragedies that hit our headlines every day, the most recent one being Corey Monteith's overdose, may puzzle many, but not me. How brilliant people like Whitney Houston or Amy Winehouse, who should feel on top of the world, can come crashing down and wind up dead well before their time should be up is not a mystery at all- having money and fame is both a blessing and a curse. Being able to hold competing emotions is difficult, and withstanding the daily scrutiny of the pulic eye requires nerves of steel and great discipline-- a trait noveau riche often lack. It seems that fortune without the fame is the best case scenario, and fame without fortune we can all agree just sucks. These days, however, most top dogs don't have the luxury of great fortune while preserving their anonimity, so these rich and famous types are constantly plagued by one incredibly fundamental and perplexing question: are people spending time with them because they genuinely enjoy their company or because they like the fringe benefits that come with hanging with that person? It is so hard to understand someone's real motives for doing anything, and meanwhile it is so easy to [...]
Is College Worth All That?
In this month's Money Magazine there is a whole article about "Does College Still Pay Off?" and many other journals have been asking similar questions, especially with law school and the dearth of jobs for recent grads. As many parents struggle right now to justify their expenses, and brace themselves for the departure of their kids heading off to college or grad schools next month, let me just weigh in on this timely issue with a few additional thoughts that may not be getting coverage in the press. First of all, between the ages of 18-25 a young mind is aborbing information like a sponge. These are formative years in brain development-- and the time to maximize on learning potential is early on, not later in life. During this time, we are given the tools that we will need to think critically and be analytical. Learning from the great minds and masters of various subjects is how we build the future leaders of our country. They will have the rest of their lives to focus on work, but this very narrow window of time to finish honing in on key skills that will serve them the rest of their lives. Second, aside from measuring the return of your investment in dollars, how about taking into account certain intangibles that cannot be quantified? How could you possibly measure the value a family gains by feeling proud that one of their clan members has graduated college? How do you put a price tag on the sense of accomplishment one feels when fulfilling a dream? How can you begin to ascertain the extended benefit others will derive in our community by having a well-educated, well-grounded citizen within our midst? Third, for those that like to focus on numbers, it is well documented that on average college grads will earn 50% more than those without a bachelor's degree, and that those unskilled labor jobs are dying out fast. While we sit here in DC arguing about whether to pass a new living wage law, many of us are dumbfounded that anyone here can even survive earning less than $15/hour. $200,000 seemed like a lot of money to invest 20 years ago, and it is still a lot of money today no doubt, but if I really question the return of my investment in college and law school, the fact is over the last 15 years as a lawyer in DC, I have more than realized the economic return on that investment, not even taking into account the [...]