Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
Hack into Your Own Hard-drive
When people come for an initial divorce consult, they often feel like their life is in complete chaos, and that everything is spinning out of control. Once I give them a legal roadmap and they understand what lies ahead, they start to feel a little better, but as their legal counsel, I can only do so much in terms of getting them back on track. The real work has to occur inside their own heads, and their emotional recovery will depend immensely on their ability to hack into their own hard-drive. Some people will wallow in self-pity, and complain about how unfair life is to them. They will play the blame game, and seem incapable of taking any responsibility for their own actions. The more they continue to the play the role of a victim, and allow themselves to feel powerless, the more this becomes a self-fulling prophecy. The downward spiral into the black hole is a very sad thing to witness, but there is nothing I can do to stop that-- each person has to find their own inner strength to save themselves. When I went through my own divorce, I worked with a life coach, who helped me see that life is all about choices, and we alone are in control of the choices we make for ourselves, including how much power we wish to relinquish to another. Often, these choices are difficult, and we need to think through the consequences very carefully before making a decision that could have a major impact, not just for us but those around us. Learning to be free was not an overnight project, nor was it easy. In addition to working with my life coach, I read countless psychology books and spent over 100 hours in the last six years attending various dispute resolution trainings with top-notch psychologists that helped me understand their cutting edge research. They all taught me to discipline my emotions and assume responsibility for my own actions, while rejecting responsibility for others-- and this lesson has saved my life. Litigators are typically hard-wired with a savior complex, but I've gone through a paradigm shift, where it is actually more rewarding for me to see you save yourself. Dispute resolution methods that help parties settle out of court, put the clients in control of their settlement and their future, and that is far better than letting a stranger decide their fate. I no longer need to get my adrenaline rush fulfilled inside a courtroom, and I am ten times happier [...]
Work Hard, Play Hard– With an Emphasis on Play
As an athlete, I grew up with a bunch of boys-- not in my actual sport, but we all hung out at the gym and shared the same track and conditioning equipment. In boarding school, all the jocks ate together- 3 meals a day, and as a result I was privy to all their conversations, and I do mean all. Guys have rarely filtered around me, but the significance of this did not really dawn on me until the other day when one of my friends pointed out that I really get guys, whereas she thinks most women do not have a ton of guy friends, and many are in fact intimated by them. She explained that some women are even unsure of how to flirt or initiate a conversation, and I had to admit this was all foreign to me. In that moment, I realized how fortunate I was to grow up surrounded by the Adonis-type full of testosterone. My mom used to say, "tell me who your friends are, and I'll tell you who you are." She is actually right, your friends are a good reflection of your own values. The funny thing is, however, over the past decade I have developed two distinct groups of friends-- the ones who are married with two kids (and they work their butts off to provide the best for their children) and then I have my single friends, who still live by the old motto "work hard, play hard," with a definite emphasis on play. This explains a lot about my own internal conflict, but today's focus is on shedding some light on those I will call "players,"however, I use that term lovingly, and not at all in the derogatory way we often hear it. Those that know they are brilliant and beautiful are well aware of the power they yield, and finding a playmate is not an issue for them. These are thrill seekers, who like challenges and the adrenaline rush. The thought of settling down is ridiculous to this kind-- unless they decide to actually breed, and that will only usually happen with someone that truly rocks their world. Unfortunately, nothing lasts forever in this circle of beautiful people, and that is why that crowd is fickle-- fame and fortune can easily come and go, meanwhile there is always someone younger, prettier, or wealthier right around the next corner. Those that manage to age well and amass power, essentially become untouchable while the rest [...]
Writing a Love Story
Three years ago, when Ellen McCarthy wrote a story for the Washington Post about my passion for helping families in the DC Area, her article got some major bounce. I remember her telling me that one day, I should sit down and write my own life story with all of the twists and turns, and since then I have lost count of the number of people that have shared her opinion, but it wasn't until my son asked me to share the story about finding our family that I actually did anything about it. For those who have followed the blog, you have gotten a much seedier version of the real life events that have transpired since I met my dad in February 2011, and one day I hope to finish writing the adult version of that story, but the children's book was truly a labor of love, meant to inspire children of any ethnicity and socio economic class to believe in themselves and their gifts. I want kids to dream big and reach for the stars, but without ever forgetting the importance of their roots. Familes are so special, and it took me so long to finally complete the reconstruction of my own, which I originally set out to do for my son. I had no idea when I started this journey that I was actually the one who needed to piece my family back together in order to finally find peace and discover the true meaning of unconditional love. If I die tomorrow (which I certainly hope I don't) I at least can rest in peace knowing that I wrote a good love story for my son, and I hope the rest of you make time to do the same with your loved ones. Here is the link if you want to spread some joy with a special child in your life: http://www.amazon.com/Gina-gymnast-Ms-Regina-Demeo/dp/1491061944/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1375998231&sr=8- By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
The Kiss of Death When Dating
I finally saw Perks of a Wallflower, and the best line in the movie by far is "we accept the love we think we deserve." So true, and yet based on what I have seen around here, let me just say this-- many need to raise their standards. I am amazed at some of the crap that people will put up with when dating-- and if you think things will get better later, you are in for some major disappointment. I realize that in this "Hookup Culture," lust takes over well before love, and we all know that lust is going to cloud our judgment, but as best you can try to be on high alert for those red flags. Here are some of my favorites, which should be the kiss of death as soon as you see them: 1. Do the words match the actions? In other words, does this person follow through with what they say they are going to do. If someone says, "I'll call you tomorrow" do they actually do it? If not, say sionara baby, because dating is a trust-building exercise, and if you can't build trust early on, there is simply no future. 2. Do you respect this person's judgment? When you hear their stories about the past, are you laughing with them or at them? If you are laughing at their stupidity, you need to stop and ask yourself, will this still be funny when their stupidity starts to impact my life? Trust me, I've had many guys make me laugh in the beginning, and I got sucked into their entertainment value, but eventually I lost all respect, and once that is gone, there is no turning back. 3. What can you glean from their past relationships? If they are unable to maintain long-term, healthy relationships of any kind, this is a huge indicator of major problems. It should raise concerns if someone has few friends, and rarely any dating back for 10-20 years because managing long-term relationships is a skill, and not one that everyone can possess. 4. What do you have in common? Now I get it, no one wants to date a carbon copy of themselves, but someone who is your polar opposite is also not a good candidate for a long-term relationship. You have to share not just some common interests to enjoy the present, but also have similar dreams and aspirations for the future, otherwise [...]
Leaning In as a Single Parent
Sheryl Sandberg has certainly done a great job of raising the visibilty of the mommy wars, where one camp wants to focus on being home with their kids while the other wants to continue to promote the role of women in the workforce. I clearly fall into the latter category, but then again, I also did not have a choice after my divorce. Many single parents lose the luxury of staying home with their kids once there are two households to manage instead of one, and we actually have to lean in at work more because that is the only way our family will thrive. Truth be told, the idea of being a single mother was my worst nightmare come true. I already saw how hard it was for my mother to raise me on her own when I was growing up, and I had ZERO intention of following in her footsteps. So, I followed the cookie cutter path of graduating from all top tier schools; I got married and bought a house, and by the time I was 31 I had the dog, the Merc, the six figure salary and the kid-- and then the following year I had the worst meltdown of my life. We fired the nanny, sold the house, got rid of the Merc, and I had to slash all expenses so I could continue to build my own law firm, which was the one thing I wasn't willing to give up. For the last 8 years, I have been solely responsible for my own income and managing my own household. It has been far from easy, but with the support of my ex-husband and friends, I have been able to lean in and prove that women deserve to be in leadership roles and have a lot to offer at the upper tier of the business world. Not only did my law practice thrive, but I ventured into radio and tv, and authored various pieces, which now allows me to play with the big boys, and while that is fun, wow do I wish there were some more women around. Like Sheryl, I used to avoid using the term "feminist" to describe myself-- it was a dirty word in college that I avoided like the plague. Yet, from where I stand now, it is so hard to avoid feeling quite disheartened-- I was taught that we were equal to our male counterparts, and yet at my age I see so few [...]
Stand By Your Man- Is This Still a Viable Option?
Many have asked me to weigh in on Huma Abedin's decision to stand by her husband, Anthony Weiner, and it is with great reluctance that I am doing so because the truth be told, I don't deal with the situations where women decide to stay in a marriage after they find out their husbands have betrayed them. This is not to say it doesn't happen every single day, but what I am pointing out is that as a divorce attorney, I only see the ones who choose to leave. So, if I personally don't feel qualified to give an opinion here on what Huma should do, I fail to understand how over 39% of people polled feel qualified to say she should leave. Unless you have walked a mile in her shoes, it is impossible to pass judgment here. Back in the day, when divorce was seen as the kiss of death, and so many women relied on their husband's to provide financially for the family, they essentially had to put up with a lot, including not just affairs, but verbal, physical or emotional abuse, total manipulation, alcohol or drug addictions, etc. Thankfully, we have made substantial progress since the 50's, and not only has the stigma of divorce faded, but women are far more self-sufficient. Most women do work and have some financial resources of their own, making them far more independant than any of our predecessors. And yet, some people honestly believe in those sacred vows "for better or worse, til death do us part." This now comes down to a personal choice, and one we should all respect. 15 years ago when the Lewinsky scandal broke, I was so immensely disappointed in Hillary Clinton. I wanted her to model for other women just how strong we are, and that we don't have to put up with crap-- even from the President of the United States. The thought that he could chase some intern's tail while in the Oval Office was so revulting to me that it actually left me speechless when I was introduced to Bill at a private event many years ago. However, over time I mellowed and came to respect the fact that it was Hillary's call to make. The love and allegiance that Huma feels towards her husband is something no one else will ever comprehend. To leave is actually easy these days, to stay is far more difficult-- especially while under pubic scrutiny, which most people are [...]
Break Away from the Herd!
Half my readers are women, who often complain about the dearth of men. The other half are guys, who are very open with me about the mistakes that women make in the dating game. I often feel like a U.N. peacekeeper trying to help negotiate a treaty between two warring nations. Seriously, this should not be so difficult! As one of my fellow bloggers, Austin Blood, said recently: If you want to date guys, you have to learn to think like them. Why? Well, once you start to understand them, they won't drive you crazy-- and nothing repels guys more than signs of a crazy chick. Before you can even start to understand one another, however, you first have to meet, so, first things first-- I have women that say they just aren't even meeting guys; meanwhile I have guys lamenting about the fact that girls go out in huge groups making it impossible to approach anyone. I have to give it to guys on this one-- they are right, attractive women that are not talking to guys need to carefully consider what steps they are proactively taking to make themsevles approachable. Are you making eye contact and smiling? These two simple things can go a long way, and yet you have to be aware of your surroundings. Ladies, let me ask you this: have you ever seen guys go out in huge packs? No! Not unless it is a bachelor party or some sort of reunion. They are not interested in some big sausage fest, well unless they are inclined to just enjoy the company of men. Typically, guys tend to have one wing-man, or a wing-girl. I've often played the latter role, and it is actually a lot of fun to play wing-girl! As the wing-girl, I may start up the conversation with another girl, and then I quickly make it clear that the guy is just my friend. As the conversation unfolds, if I need to get lost, no big deal-- I go find someone else to entertain me. Now that is a special skill-- it is not for everyone, but that is NOT the point of this blog. Guys have a legitimate gripe about girls that go out in huge numbers, and by huge we mean more than 3. Now, if you ladies are just interested in hanging with the girls all night, then that is fine. But if you think you are going to get a guy to break up a [...]
Top 12 Blogs About Love
We all struggle with love-- in its various forms, and that is why over the last 2 1/2 years, I've been blogging about it. Essentially, this blog has been a very public journal while I've gone in search of my father, become a big sister, dealt with the aftermath of my own divorce and the challenges of dating in the 21st century, all while playing mom and trying to be a superstar attorney. Many of my friends have recently asked me, "how do you do it all?" Well, I guess I never bought into the notion that you can't have your cake and eat it too. The fact is life is not easy for anyone, but I've had the distinct advantage over the last 15 years as a divorce attorney to learn from some of the worse mistakes people make in life. By sharing your stories, you've all helped me avoid some major disasters in my own life. I've had a front row seat to some of the worse train wrecks in town, and after witnessing so much carnage, I was able to make some very difficult choices early on in my own life in the hopes of steering my train in a different direction. Honestly, I no longer know in which direction I am heading, but I have learned to just enjoy the journey and not worry about the final destination. I'm having a ton of fun with my creative writing, and this blog allows me finally do some data dump, where I can essentially share some of my best love tips with others-- and then I get to track what interests people the most. The results clearly show that people are just as interested in the process of finding love as losing it. Here is my theory on love, which I actually turned into a poem when I was in high school: Love is like a snowflake, seemingly simple and pure-- but if you try to hold it, it melts. Love morphs over time, just as we change. You either change together, or you don't, and it is really hard to predict what the outcome will be. All you can do is try your best. In the meantime, here are some of the past blogs many of you seem to really enjoy: 1. A Puzzle That Took 38 Years to Complete; 2. Top 10 Signs You Are Falling Out of Love; 3. When Planners Date Non-Planners; 4. Can't Expect A Fish To Climb A Tree; 5. [...]
5 Tips to Playing 20 Questions
I happen to love 20 questions, but I get that many of you don't-- maybe you just need to think about it differently? Don't think of it as a chore, you need to view it as a game or like a treasure hunt, where each step of the way you pick up more clues about the other person. What you are doing is actally called "mapping" in psychology, as you try to figure out (1) where someone came from; (2) where are they now; and (3) where are they heading? This is why you ask some questions about the past, the present and then the future. Easy! Well, perhaps not for everyone... My dad has the gift of gab and is super gregarious. He was a bartender way back in the day, and worked on a cruise ship for many years, where he encountered people from every walk of life. Even today, he is quite the charmer, and I seem to have inherited that Casanova gene, so when I am playing 20 questions, it is clear that I'm not faking it-- I am geniunely having fun trying to figure out the other person. If you don't feel this way, try to fake it until you make it! As a witty friend of mine said recently, "you need to meet a lot of Richards to find a good Dick." While playing 20 questions, which should be an easy exchange of questions, with everyone taking an equal turn, maybe I should recap some basic dating guidelines: 1. Just Ask- Most women, even today, expect that if a guy is interested, he will ask her out. We understand that we need to give you a green light signal, but many still think it's up to the guy to then make the first move. I disagree, but I may be in the minority. Here is the deal- you just never know what the situation may be. Good looking and intelligent men know they have their pick of the litter, so you may need to be a bit assertive to stand out. Meanwhile pretty and smart women often scare off guys, who assume these women are already taken or will just say no. But who knows? What is the harm in trying? At the very least, a person should be flattered, and the best case is the person might say yes. No decent individual will bite your head off. 2. First Dates- Guys need to show up on time, be nicely dressed, and at least offer to pick up the tab. Hopefully [...]
50 Shades of G
A while back, after reading Fifty Shades of Gray, I blogged a bit about one of my past dating experiences, which was a complete fail because we both had dominant personalities and neither one wanted to cede and play the role of a sub. But was it a complete fail? I learned a lot from that relationship, and I am still friends with that man. Why? There are lots of reasons, but the main one is that we are both good people and enjoy each other's company. We may not be compatible as intimate partners, but there are so many other options besides just that one facet to a guy-girl relationship. Before I go further, let me start at the beginning. Until college, everyone called me "Gina" or "G," and I had the nicest high school sweetheart a girl could ask for, but we parted ways after graduation. We had different goals and the long distance thing was not for us, so no hard feelings, it was just time to end things-- and yes, 20 years later we are still friends. My senior year of college, I met my husband, who was a blond version of Ferris Bueller-- a brilliant daredevil, who made me laugh like no one else. Unfortunately, after 12 years, we grew apart and got divorced. Despite our disappointment, we rose above the situation and have managed to peacefully share custody of our son the last 8 years, during which time many have asked me if there is any hope of reconcilation. Simply put, no. I loved this man like no other, and yet we are better off as friends and co-parents. He still makes me laugh like no other, and now I have a mini version of him who is learning to do the same, and that is his greatest gift to me. On the rebound, I dated the opposite of Ferris Bueller, precisely because that is how rebounds work-- the pendulum swings to the other extreme. The very traits then that attracted me in the beginning, however, drove me crazy after 6 months. Since then, that pendulum has continued to swing, but not so drastically, and not with many. (Remember, for girls it is about quality over quantity.) In 2010, in addition to my own Christian Gray (the Dom in 50 Shades of Gray), I was introduced to the one I've dubbed "Jerry Maguire" not just because he is totally non-commital, but because he had me at "hello." Obviously his [...]