Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
Post-Divorce Dating 101
There is a definite difference between guys & girls when it comes to post-divorce dating. Most of my female clients cringe when I mention it, whereas most of my male clients jump right to that issue before I've even gotten to the point that dating while you are still married can be a tricky issue legally, let alone emotionally. Why such a stark difference? Well, mainly because women are more likely going to take a bit longer to process their emotions, and the loss associated with the divorce. Guys on the other hand, well let's just say they are far more apt to look for love in all the wrong places while they sort things out. I'm not knocking the strategy at all-- I actually quite understand the need to conquer and rebuild the ego quickly, and to be honest, girls may want to take a page from their book and get back on the scene sooner rather than later. At whatever rate, and through whatever method you decide to jump back into dating, just be kind to yourself. It is going to take some time to re-learn the art of flirting, especially with all the advances in modern technology. Trial and error is the only way you will find your mojo, but if I can suggest one thing it is that you try to do no harm. Be conscious of where you are, and where others may want you to be. Don't promise more than what you are capable of and don't demand more of others than what they can give you at the moment. We all need to feel human and loved, but navigating the playing field can be tricky. There are a couple of popular blogs I've written that are a great intro to dating again: Dating in the 21st Century; The Kiss of Death When Dating; 5 Tips to Playing 20 Questions; The Secret to Surviving the Dating Game; Safe Sexting; and Why Smart Women Date Inappropriate Men. This past week on my tv show, I had psychotherapist Shari Pfeffer cover some tips on how to approach dating in a much healthier, less harmful way for everyone involved. She highly recommends divorced individuals may want to look into a non-profit group called New Beginnings, and I will be featuring this organization in upcoming segment later this year. In the meantime, here is the link to our show on show on conscious dating: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZkOwT2RqpU
Why Does Marriage Counseling Fail So Often?
I have not kept track with complete accuracy, but over the last 15 years in my divorce consults I can safely estimate that over 75% of my clients have sought counseling long before they ever came to see me and decided to call it quits. This begs the question then, with so many great resources, including seminars and books out there about how to make your marriage last, and so many skilled professionals ready to help couples work through their issues, how is it that over 50% of these couples still wind up getting divorced? The answer is quite simple: they waited too long. When too much damage has been done to a relationship, there comes a point where you just can't turn back and undo all those little acts that on their own might have seemed minor, yet when put together, grossly tipped the scales in favor of getting out and ending the pain rather than staying in and risking further injury to your ego or mental health. According to Dr. Peck, it is normal to fall out of love-- but as soon as that honeymoon phase ends, that is when the real work needs to begin. As soon as you find that your partner is starting to irritate you, you can't dig your head in the sand. You have to be honest with yourself, and the other person about what is bothering you, otherwise it will not just get better on its own. When you find yourself flirting with others, staying late at work, or going out solo with your friends because you'd rather avoid going home at all cost-- this is exactly when you need to actually get your butt home and figure out how you can change the dynamic of things. Waiting for things to improve on their own is simply not going to happen. There is definitely a point of no return, especially once you've come to the point that you no longer care what happens one way or the other. Why? Because the opposite of love is not hate, but apathy. Once I've lost respect and shut off my feelings towards someone, good luck trying to get me to care again. No amount of spark plugs are going to re-start that engine. In life, while doors may shut in our faces, I always try to look for those windows of opportunity. In love, you really have to grab hold of those windows [...]
Open Marriages & Outsourcing
Let me state upfront that I completely lack the capacity to be in an open marriage, and I will venture to say that almost no one walks down the aisle thinking they will have an open marriage or will need to outsource their sexual needs. However, long after the honeymoon phase is over, things do start to break down-- especially around the 7 year mark, which is when 50% of all divorces occur. At this juncture, some people find it easier to maintain the status quo at home and just have others meet needs that aren't being met at home. Outsourcing happens a lot, and of course I only see the 50% that finally decide to call it quits and get out of their marriage, but I am well aware of the fact that many others just continue to sleep in separate bedrooms and lead separate lives under one roof while agreeing to an open marriage. Many of my clients have admitted to maintaining a separate lives arrangement for 3-9 years, often applying a don't ask don't tell policy. I guess to them ignorance is bliss? When pressed as to why they'd stay in this kind of situation for so long, the most common excuse is that they stayed together because of the kids. Really? I don't quite understand that-- because what behavior are you modeling for your children by staying in a loveless marriage? Are you trying to instill in our youth that if something is comfortable and easy, you shouldn't rock the boat, even though you are dying on the inside? Is the message you want to send that money matters more than your integrity or happiness? The decision to divorce is not an easy one, but if you can't fix the relationship you have with your spouse, then why wouldn't you leave? Kids are resilient, and they will be fine as long as you keep it together. (See Dr. Emery's book "The Truth About Children and Divorce.) Children are not stupid, and they can often sense that their parents are miserable. Who wants to subject a child to growing up in a tense environment? More than anything, they need stable, healthy parents, who can model good behavior and loving relationships. You don't need an intact marriage to do this, I see it done every day by hundreds of divorced parents. Ultimately, I find open marriages and the tactic to outsource certain needs is just a short-term fix, whereby you are delaying the inevitable, and perhaps the reasons for doing this are [...]
Swimming with Sharks
The other day, one of my guy friends told my son that he is like a shark, and that "sharks constantly have to stay in motion so that they don't sink." Hilarious advice from one of the best sharks I've ever met, and yet in my opinion he missed the mark here. It is my experience that people stay in constant motion precisely because internally they have an issue with just being still. Often I find that those that are always on the go are either avoiding thoughts about the past or they are way too anxious about the future, and so they are running around like chickens with their heads cut off most of the time, not taking a moment to just breath and enjoy the peace, quiet and beauty of their current surroundings. How do I know all of this? Because I was once a shark in constant motion, and only in the last decade have I mellowed and come to enjoy downtime. It is my son that has calmed me down, and because of him I learned to appreciate the simple joys in life, like his laughter. Of course, seeing this softer side has thrown some of my shark friends for a loop. I get it-- how could they ever understand that one of the best gamers has opted out of the games both at work and at home? Well, a lot had to do with the realization that DC's shark tank isn't a safe place to raise a guppy. My attitude shift towards becoming a more peaceful warrior did not happen overnight, but slowly over the past 8 years in my post-divorce life, I have had to re-evaluate everything. I've had to give up attachments to a lot of things, not just tangible items, and question deeply seeded notions of what people define as mainstream "success." Professionally, after 15 years of litigating some of the worst divorces in town I've grown tired of feeling like Macbeth with my hands covered in blood. As I've continued to develop a more hollistic approach to divorce in my work life, it has gently taken hold in my personal life as well, which is why many of my friends were not at all surprised this summer to see me reading such books as Buddism for Beginners, The Four Agreements, The Laws of Spirits, and the Way of the Peaceful Warrior. It is a difficult process to let go and find the courage to live your own life, [...]
What is Conscious Dating?
Conscious dating is about being more mindful in your partner choices, and it will be this week's topic on my show. I see people increasingly adopting this approach to dating, and maybe this is one of the benefits of divorce having become so mainstream. I'm not going to sugar coat it, divorce sucks and it can take a while to recover from its aftermath. As a result, more individuals are taking the time on the front-end to figure out what's going to be a good fit, and lots of dating websites are encouraging this approach by making you sit down and figure out your "must haves" and "can't stands." Identifying your needs and non-negotiables is a great first step, but actually there is a more in depth self-analysis that one must go through if you are going to really embark in conscious dating. You have to get rid of certain false assumptions, like the notion that anyone over 40 that's never been married must be a commitment phobe. You need to suspend judgments and go in with an open mind if you want to maximize your dating experiences. Furthermore, you should look at past patterns, which are a great indication of your attachment style. The more aware you are of your own issues, the greater your ability to change unwanted behaviors. As my guest, Shari Pfeffer will explain in greater detail, it is about calming that inner child within us. It is funny (not in a ha-ha way) when you get to the point where you see someone's inner child surface and when you can start to see your own triggers. The irony of course is that only those closest to us bring out both the best and worst in us, and that is why the true test to a viable relationship is whether you can live with that person's good, bad and ugly. And again just to be totally candid, there is a lot of ugly out there, so what you need to ask yourself is how much can you tolerate? We all have baggage, so the key is finding someone with compatible baggage. The only real way to find out if you will be a good fit with another is over time, and by being totally honest. Guys are usually quite open about where they are in a situation-- most of my male friends have no problem telling someone that they just got divorced or broke off a long-term [...]
Stop the Guessing Games
There was a time, long ago, when I thought that if someone loved me they should know exactly what to say or do to make things "perfect." Funny thing is that no one knows me better than my son, and even he will just flat out ask me, "what do you want me to say or do?" Because he is a child, it is so easy to just clue him in rather than making him figure it out-- and then one day it dawned on me-- why should I just do this with a child? Why can't this same tactic be applied to everyone? Love may be the thing that binds us to those closest to us, but that doesn't mean we develop mind-reading skills. Again, using my son as an example, no one doubts that I love him, but I don't always know why he is upset or how to make it better. I can ask questions, but I also have to respect his wishes when he says, "I've had a bad day and don't want to talk about it." My only response to that is that if you're having a bad day, it doesn't give you the right to go rain on someone else's parade. That is then our clue that we both need a cooling off period until calmer heads can prevail, which is something I tell my clients to do on a regular basis. The fact is I find myself increasingly applying business concepts at home. For years in the business world, I've attended extensive trainings for those in leadership roles to learn to give clearer directions, provide regular feedback, and encourage a team atmosphere. We all know that a good leader doesn't act like a dictator, but actually listens to those around him/her and rewards a good employee for asking follow up questions when things are unclear and completing his/her assignments in a timely manner. Outbursts are usually frowned upon at any level, and instead we insist on maintaing a code of civility that ensures a healthy work environment. If these techniques can help any good company operate well-- why should it be any different at home? In the dating world, I find a lot of people just give "hints" or "clues" as to what is bothering them or what they want, but they don't come flat out and say it. Guys in particular hate this. No offense to guys, but they are so much easier than women-- just [...]
5 Common “Solutions” That Actually Make Matters Worse
Everyone has their own story to tell when they come for their initial divorce consult, but invariably there are five common mistakes people make in their relationships that tend to make matters far worse for a couple than anyone could ever have imagined: 1. Shacking Up- Many people think that moving in together will reduce the arguments over "silly" things like an inconvenient commute, inability to coordinate schedules, or repeated miscommunications. These actually are not silly things at all-- they are red flags of deeper issues. Glossing over these things is not smart. Couples fail to realize that moving in together brings on a whole new set of stresses to the relationship, such as managing a household budget, making joint purchases, and compromising on "me" time versus "we" time. 2. Popping the Question- When you doubt someone's commitment to the relationship, you need to work on that issue first-- getting engaged is not the solution to that problem. Outside family pressures, or the fact that a child is on the way, should not be the compelling reason you are going to tie the knot. There are plenty of other ways to demonstrate that you are committed to someone that don't require the purchase of major bling. 3. Let's Have a Baby- I've lost count of the number of people that thought having a baby would bring them closer to their spouse. While it is a very happy occasion, it is also one of the most disruptive events that can occur in a couple's life. For nine months, a woman's body and hormones will be in constant change, and then after the baby is born, you will both be sleep-deprived and under constant alert to care for all the needs of a helpless infant that will demand your undivided attention. Meanwhile, forget about having sex for several weeks, along with wine if you are breast-feeding-- so there go those forms of release. Hopefully you can see why this just tends to compound problems between partners. 4. Agree to Disagree- Sometimes, it is okay to just respect that you each have your own opinions, but when you keep avoiding arguments by just agreeing to disagree, and then you each do your own thing, this is NOT a good thing. People in successful marriages are able to listen to one another and reach a compromise; they do not ignore problems because they know that these don't just go away. Here is how I see it: If I respect you, then I am going [...]
What’s the End Game?
Each person is going to have a different answer to this question, and a lot depends on your stage in life. There is one stage, however, where I've definitely noticed a spike in the number of people seriously asking themselves about the end game-- and it is right around that magical age of 40. If the average life span in the U.S. is about 79, then it makes sense that at the half-way point we are going to start asking ourselves, "how will it end?" This was the ongoing question in The Truman Show with Jim Carrey, and very much like the viewers of Truman in that movie, I am rooting for you to figure out and redefine your own reality. While we may not know when it will end, we are definitely in control with how our stories will unfold. My obsession with love at this point is quite apparent and common knowledge. After studying families for 15 years, and helping clients minimize the downside of their divorce, I have collected enough sad love stories to last me a lifetime, so with the end-game in mind, I've spent the last several years sharing tips on how to actually make love last-- that is the point of the children's book, the blog, and the radio and tv shows. While the legal practice remains my sole source of income, these other projects are my labors of love. Tomorrow, I am about to start the new fall season of my weekly tv show, Making It Last. The "it" is love-- in all forms-- as a parent, partner, adult child caring for an elderly parent, or founder of a non-profit. There are now over 46 episodes online with 8 non-profits, over a dozen lawyers, and various mental health professionals. All these segments with experts helping families tackle major issues are available online at www.mmctv.org and some of my favorites are on my YouTube channel. The one about Emotional Thermometers is one of the most popular ones with over 150 views, and here is the link to that show: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pGE7XlkqKwY I hope you will all tune in and share the links of the videos and blogs with friends and family. Feel free to submit story ideas or nominate guests! My email is: genxsmartie@gmail.com Again just to recap, I have no idea what your end-game is, but I just want you to realize that you alone define your reality. Find the power to tap into your inner strength, and use [...]
Lowered Expectations- Great for Laughs, But Not a Motto to Embrace
If you haven't seen any of the MAD TV clips with "Lowered Expectations," I highly recommend you search for some on YouTube and have Kleenex available, because some of them will make you cry with laughter! Of course, truly good humor takes a source of pain and just pokes fun at it. That is the genius behind good comedy, and I am begging you to keep this in mind when you start dating again. Dating is the one thing my clients will struggle with the most in their post-divorce lives, and that is precisely why I blog about it so much. Most of us are able to quickly resume our focus on work, especially because we are now the sole providers for our households. With this added pressure, I've actually seen many of my clients soar professionally while at the same time they are able to find a way to rebuild their new home life and figure out the whole co-parenting thing. The majority can actually manage all these things rather quickly, often before the final seal of approval is received from the court on the divorce documents, but dating, well that is a whole other story... Some of my clients completely shut themselves off from dating, and I agree that if they are not ready, they should not try to tackle this beast right away. Others, however, launch right into it, often without taking any time to even process what they've just been through, and I'm not so sure that is the best approach. I'm all for being open to the possibilities that life offers you and testing the waters-- gradually. If you have been out of the game for a while, let's face it, you will not be able to start juggling 5 people at a time-- this is an acquired skill, and the Masters have it down to a science. If you aspire to gain this skill set, then find yourself a master-- fast! Fortunately, when I got divorced eight years ago, I still had a lot of single friends. They taught me well, and now the demographics have certainly changed a lot over the years, such that most of my peers are now married with kids, but I've managed to retain a few in the singles scene to keep me entertained. Hands down the one thing they will all say is that you have to go in with lowered expectations for first dates-- you will have to sort through a lot of crap to find a decent one worth [...]
The Secret to Surviving the Dating Game
There are many ways to play the game, but really only one secret to surviving the game-- you can't take things personally. No one wins 100% of the time, so you have to accept that you will lose some of the time. Guys, who are much more sports-oriented, tend to be better at accepting this fact, which is why they tend to just cast out a wide net and see what fish they can reel in. I'm not keen on being a "fish," which is why I don't do online dating. Instead, I prefer to be a sharp shooter, who has to see her target in person-- but even with precise aim I know at best I'll hit my mark 9 out of 10 times. No one I know has a perfect batting average, so whatever you do, you can't just throw in the towel and accept defeat. You may need to rethink your strategy if you just experienced a bad break up or keep having a bad streak, but you keep moving forward. There is no point to fearing rejection or abandonment-- you just have to accept that these things are going to happen. Let's just face facts-- what are the odds that you will find someone that loves you unconditionally? The answer is ZERO. We all have our deal-breakers, and even in a committed, monogamous marriage, your spouse is going to expect you to walk the line. If you don't it should come as no surprise when that person tells you to hit the road. Unconditional love is something only a parent can give you, and the sooner your realize this truth, the sooner you can begin to understand how a successful partnership will work, because above all else it is about honoring your commitment and accepting responsibility. And this brings me to the next problem in dating... Most people I know in their 40s have enough commitments in their lives. We all have high stress/high intensity jobs and many of us also have children that require our attention and unconditional love. Finances and family obligations consume a significant part of our time, leaving little room for much else. Those of us that do make time to date are looking for very different things compared to when we were in our 20s or 30s. Most of us have lost the desire to bear more children, and maybe even an interest marrying again. If these things matter to you, you need [...]