Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
10 Signs You’re In An Abusive Relationship
Physical abuse is easy to identify-- but what about emotional abuse? These perpetrators don't show their true colors in the beginning. They are incredibly charming, and they will often stay on their best behavior until they feel they've captured you. That's when you'll see the lovely Dr. Jekyll turn into the evil Mr. Hyde. Here are the top 10 signs this is who you are with: 1. Does this person seem to constantly put you down? 2. Are you afraid to express a dissenting opinion? 3. Does this person act in an irrationally jealous and/or possessive manner? 4. Does this person try to control every aspect of your life? 5. Is this person isolating you from your family and friends? 6. Are you being blamed for everything that goes wrong? 7. Has this person destroyed or threatened to destroy or take away your things? 8. Are you often left wondering how arguments escalated to such a hostile level? 9. Have you been threatened with legal action that will "ruin" you and/or result in a loss of custody? 10. Does this person use sex as a weapon-- either forces it on you, or withholds it as punishment? If you have answered yes to any one of these questions, please stop kidding yourself as to what is really going on here-- this is no way to live. A person that truly loves you will not treat you this way-- ever. You deserve far better. Don't let anyone suggest otherwise. Nearly one in three women in the U.S. will experience an abusive relationship at some point in their life. (Many of my male clients have also reported incidents of abuse, but they are far less likely to want to bring this up in any legal proceedings). So, if you see someone-- man or woman-- in distress, try to reach out and offer assistance in whatever way you can. The only way we will end domestic abuse is if we as an entire society reduce our tolerance for this behavior. In that vein, I hope you'll share this blog with others, and if you find yourself faced with a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde type in your life, develop an escape plan and RUN, dont' walk, to the nearest exit. By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
Indecent Proposals- More Common That You Think
Years ago, I remember watching incredulously as the events unfolded in the 1993 movie Indecent Proposal with Robert Redford, Demi Moore and Woody Harrelson, and then it happened to me. While in Vegas a few years back, a man actually came up to my date and asked him what it would take for him to walk away with a girl like me. I remember laughing at the moment, but honestly I don't think that guy was joking. I chalked it up to being in Sin City, but let me tell you the indecent proposals have not stopped since then, and I guess what I've learned is that guys are really not shy about just putting it all out there, and it is up to the female receiving the request to hit the brakes if a situation is not going in a direction she is comfortable with. We all have different thresholds for what we can tolerate, and I'm not here to pass any judgment. I just want to make sure you think through the offers presented-- and it is far easier if you have thought these through ahead of time so you can nip things in the bud. Here are 5 common scenarios I run into & avoid like the plague: 1. Married Guys- We hear this ALL the time, they can't leave because of the kids, but it is a loveless situation, blah, blah, blah. Seriously? Walk away fast. This is NOT a situation worth getting into-- this is messy and the drama isn't worth it-- there are plenty of other guys out there with the same package and far less heartache. 2. Recently Single- These guys are not into anything serious, can't deal with making commitments, etc. because of course, they are in the mending process. Totally get it, in fact I've been there myself many times, but once I'm in a better place, I really don't need to be someone's crutch. Find a friends with benefit situation or sex surrogate to get you through your tough times, and call me when you are ready to be real. 3. Inappropriate Age- I get it, people think I'm in my 30's with the brain of someone in her 50's so I get guys in their early 30s into those in their early 60's asking me out, and let me be honest-- that is way too big of a range. I don't want to date someone old enough to be my dad, [...]
It All Happens In Due Time
This has been an extended week full of celebration, and on my actual birthday I woke up to a beautiful bouquet of flowers that my brother had sent, together with a very kind message. I then proceeded to open all my gifts, which were thoughtful beyond belief. Every single one of my immediate family members checked in, and no one could believe I was doing a trial on my birthday, but I was really looking forward to it-- all we were arguing about was the fair distribution of assets. It doesn't get any cleaner than that, and I also knew that no matter what, I would end the day going to a nice dinner with my favorite little person in the whole wide world. So why the tears? Nine months ago, my grandmother passed away at the age of 97. I did not shed a single tear at her funeral, and my voice did not even crack as I gave the eulogy. Since then, however, I have been thinking about her lessons a lot. She was not just religious, but very spiritual. She taught me how to pray, and warned me to beware of evil spirits. She believed deeply in community service and the need to show gratitude for what we have in life. To her, every day was a blessing, and she always reminded me that death was inevitable, so there was no point in fearing it. She was so amazingly strong and independant-- never believing she needed a man to complete her, which come to think of it is pretty radical for a woman in her time. (I realize this does explain a lot about me.) This woman that raised me was actually far wiser than I gave her credit for, until recently. She never believed in debt, and never became attached to things. Hers was an incredibly simple existence, which is actually quite genius. She never got caught up in the drama of others, and never complained when things did not go her way, because she fundamentally believed that everything happened for a reason, and she never deluded herself into thinking that she actually had any power to control others. All she knew she could ever do was stay true to herself and her beliefs, and that is exactly what she did until the day she died, quite peacefully with a tremendous amount of love and admiration from all those she touched during her life time. For reasons I cannot fully articulate, these past few months I have really felt [...]
10 Reasons to Live Apart, and Yet Together
In the New York Times Real Estate section last week there was an article about couples "Living Apart Together," and it featured a few committed couples (even married ones) that have been together for years, yet they maintain separate apartments, unwilling to give up their real estate. Of course, I've been asked to comment on what I think of this idea, so here it goes: For those of us over 40 that enjoy our independance, I think this is a genius solution to some major arguments. Here are the top 10 reasons I think this arrangement would eliminate some major issues between couples: 1. No need to compromise on closet space, decorating styles or put up with a person's lack of taste. You can each do what you want with your own place. 2. What do you care about another person's mess when it is not in your space? 3. If you hate seeing junk food in your fridge, guess what? No problem! Stock your own fridge with what you like. 4. If you are a light sleeper and the other person is a snorer, super easy solution, go back and crash in your own bed! 5. If you are an early riser and your partner is a vampire, no biggie-- start your day bright and early, and meet up with the vamp when s/he is ready. 6. Money management- what do you care how someone manages their finances if it doesn't impact you? As long as those collection notices are not in your mailbox, not your problem. 7. Dividing up chores- not something you even need to discuss because you are each responsible for your own domain. 8. Tv junkie vs. quiet reader? No need to battle this one out-- you can each retreat to your own place for a little personal time. 9. Procrastinator vs. task master wars should be minimal given each person's ability to control his/her own schedule, except when coordinating dates or vacations together, and if you can't even do this then you shouldn't be together. 10. High versus low sex drives- now this one is a biggie. Hopefully these couples can find a comfortable pace that works for both, but certainly the time apart should help the one with a lower drive recoup, while the other one can just store up some excess energy for the next round. All these things might seem petty, but they add up and can ruin relationships that [...]
Discretion is the Better Part of Valor
When I started blogging almost 3 years ago, I didn't set out to become the Carrie Bradshaw of divorce, but apparently word around town is that this should be my new nickname. Kind of fitting then that at last night's charity event, I am the one who won the "Sex in the City" basket, which included a cute pair of golden, glittery shoes that I'm dying to wear some day soon. But what is really funny is to see people's reaction when they learn something about me that wasn't on any Facebook post, tweet or blog. They start to wonder if they missed one of my updates, and this is when I get to clue them in that not everything goes online. Despite what you might see on the internet, no one leads a completely charmed life. We all have our crosses to bear, and not everyone needs to know about this stuff-- that is what your inner circle is for, and these should be people that can maintain your secrets. Once you have worked through the hardship, by all means share the good news with everyone, but try to fly under the radar with your crap. Filter your newsfeed so it comes out like purified water. Personally over the years, I grew tired of all the bad news I would hear all day at work, only to come home to more bad news on tv, and these days it really has gotten worse. A few years ago I decided not to add to this negativity, and I wish everyone would do their part to do the same. There are enough sad stories out there. What we all need is a little inspiration, a reason to keep going and maintain some hope in a brighter future. Apparently, I am not alone in this line of thinking, and for those wanting a quick read with some tips on how to develop a more positive attitude, I highly recommend Dr. Wayne Dyer's book, Inspiration. Ever since I can remember I always heard people talk about karma, but it is only through the years that I've really come to understand what this means. We really do reap what we sow, and everything is not always as it seems. As a young attorney, I was so eager to fight for justice and make sure that the truth prevailed in court. Only over time did I learn that not all battles can be won inside a [...]
Seize the Day- It Really Makes All the Difference in Life
There are a million books out there about how to be happier, get more out of life, increase productivity, etc., and if I had to summarize them all for you it would be with 2 words: Carpe Diem, which is Latin for seize the day. Most anxiety stems from worrying too much about the future, and depression from dwelling too much on the past, so try to spare yourself all this grief and just enjoy the moment! Staying present takes effort, but with practice, it can be done, and when you get there try to pay attention to those special moments when certain life-changing opportunities arise, and then don't freak out or psych yourself out, just go for it. They say people benefit from real life examples that help illustrate various theories, so I'm going to share 8 significant moments in the last 30 years that changed my life completely, and it was all about being at the right place at the right time and then seizing the moment: 1. Gymnastics- At age 11, I happened to walk by the YMCA gym during a rhythmic gymnastics exhibition, and I was struck by the beauty of the ribbon and the dance movements. I went home that night and begged my mother to let me enroll in their classes. By age 18 when I retired from the sport, I was an Elite Class I national gymnast, ranked among the top 20 in the U.S. 2. Andover- At age 13, I was minding my own business in homeroom at JHS 185 in Queens when I got called down to the principal's office. There was a recruiter from the Oliver Scholars Program that wanted to meet with me about the possibility of a scholarship given my test scores, which had me at the top 10% for students in NYC, and the fact that I was a minority in honor roll. Again, I went home and begged my mom to let me apply, and this is how I wound up with 3 free years of tuition at one of the country's best private schools in New England. 3. Marriage- I came home from a year in Spain, and by chance met a man, who is 5 years older than me, in New York the summer before I was returning to finish my studies at Georgetown. We stayed in touch, and 4 years later he became my husband. We stayed together for 12 years and had a child together, and even though the marriage did not last, I am eternally [...]
Actions Do Speak Louder Than Words
Most of us can talk a pretty good game, but do your actions match your words? If you keep saying you are sorry, but you don't change your behavior, most rational human beings are eventually going to stop believing you are really sorry. If you keep making promises, and then you break them, most will eventually walk away because the pain of dealing with constant disappointment is simply too great. This is just food for thought on a more personal level, but today I want to go much broader, focusing on community involvement. If you are really committed to a cause, it is through your actions that you really prove it, not just words. By now, I can only hope I've proven my commitment to promoting healthy relationships, education and helping families. These are my causes, which is why the last 15 years I've volunteered so much for the DC court, local bar assocations, and my alma maters. The last 5 years, I have really enjoyed lecturing at the law schools and interacting more with students, meanwhile thanks to the media I've been able to share my ideas on a much broader level, especially through my published works and appearances on tv and radio. All these efforts have been made possible through tremendous support from my friends, and for that I am eternally grateful, but let's be real, I can't change the world by myself and I'm not going to live forever, so I really want to encourage everyone in whatever capacity you can to do your part to help improve our society. Writing a check is easy, but actually taking the time to connect with young minds is a truly special gift that all of us are able to make-- whether it is agreeing to be a mentor to someone from your former schools, being a chaperone on a field trip for your child's class, or picking a local non-profit that helps those in need. Thus far, out of 48 shows that have aired, I've featured 10 organizations that help families in our area, including: Manna; The Self Help Center in MoCo; Living in Pink; JSSA; National Institute for Relationship Enhancement; Living Classrooms; Becky's Fund; College Tracks; Parent Encouragement Program; and Junior Achievement. There are more scheduled for this season of Making It Last, and I hope these episodes will inspire others to get a bit more involved in helping families in our community. The best way to show you that [...]
Helping Kids Make Sense of Nonsense
As most of you know, I don't sugar coat things, and when I talk to kids, I like to keep it real-- obviously in an age-appropriate manner. So, when I was watching the news last night with my son, and we heard the various accounts from the survivors of the Navy Yard shooting, I did not switch to the Disney channel, but rather we watched until the end and then I let him ask me questions. Interestingly enough one of the first ones was whether I had to work in DC, because he thought it might be safer if I just worked from home. It was with great sadness that I could see the concern in his eyes, and yet I flat out refused to let him think that we can just hide from all the dangers in the outside world. We have to accept that anything can happen at any moment, and this is exactly why you have to live life to the fullest, each and every day. Bad things happen every single day, yet I definitely think we are seeing a spike in violent behavior because so many feel disenfranchised these days. The divide between the rich and poor is so vast, and thanks to the information age, we can all see exactly how much the "haves" and "have nots" lead drastically differently lives. Social media is great in some ways, but I'm sure it can really make many feel ostracized, especially if they don't have many friends on FB or contacts on LinkedIn. Today, we can track all sorts of things that you never could see before-- the great parties, pretty vacations, huge family gatherings. I happen to love seeing all of this, but imagine if these things highlighted everything you don't have? There is a lot of anger out there, and few with good coping mechanisms. These coping skills have to be taught early on-- how to discipline your emotions and channel your energy in a positive way are things that can be taught, and the sooner the better. If we could all take a little more time to teach the little ones about what matters, and that they shouldn't worry about what others are doing, this will go a long way in the future for all of us. These days, my motto has become "Keep It Simple Stupid." A simple life, with simple needs is the [...]
Saying Good-bye Is Never Easy
It may take two to say "I do," but you only need one to say it's over. This is a harsh reality that many of my divorce clients grapple with during our first meeting, and often the one leaving gets villified for being the one to abandon his/her family, break the vows, and take the easy way out. But let me just stop right here-- the easy way out is not so simple, and leavers will often have a tremendous amount of guilt and doubt to work through long after the divorce is over. It may take them years to recover emotionally and/or financially after calling it quits, and yet the only regret is usually not having pulled the plug sooner. Why? Let me try to help you understand things from this perspective... Imagine you walked down the aisle thinking you were the luckiest person in the world. You were marrying your best friend and thought you would spend the rest of your lives together and be happy. And things may have been really good for a while, and there was a lot of fun and laughter in those early years when you were both still young and relatively carefree. Yet, ever so slowly, things started to change, and soon you found yourself in the position of being a nag. Or maybe the stress of work or raising kids created this huge wedge between you that just kept growing over time. Maybe someone with poor coping skills developed an addiction to alcohol or drugs, or worse became abusive, violent and had huge anger management issues. Perhaps neither of you were aware of underlying psychological issues like depression, anxiety, bipolar or a borderline personality disorder that only surfaced after the marriage. Some things truly come to light only after years of being together, and not all disorders can be fixed with some prescription for a "happy pill." The more upset you become about your home life, the less capable you become in other areas of your life. These situations will take a toll on you, and you may find you've lost your appetite, that your immune system is compromised, or that you've become increasingly irritable by the tiniest of things, and you wonder how did I lose my sense of humor or zest for life? As the disappointment grows, and you cease to feel special at home, you will become increasingly aware of the fact that you are living a terrible lie. Keeping up the facade will become unbearable, and death may [...]
What’s Your Kryptonite?
The other day, I was talking to one of my girlfriends about the various opportunities that have presented themselves in the dating world over the past few months, and it was really funny when I mentioned a younger man, she instantly perked up and leaned in to warn me, "watch out- those young ones are like kryptonite." I laughed out loud, and then assured her that I'm actually well aware of my kryptonite-- brainiacs in their 40's with light eyes, who clearly work out and dress well. For someone that always seems to have something to say, I promise you a few of these guys have rendered me speechless at first glance. Luckily, I recover quickly. Whatever your kyptonite is, I encourage you to learn to be really aware of it, and then do your best to not let your emotions cloud your judgment. Life is about learning to discipline your emotions, unless you want to lead a completely chaotic life that always makes you feel out of control. If you feel this way, it is because you have relinquished too much power to others, and you have not figured out a way to rein in your emotions. This is not a skill they teach in school, it's something you have to learn over time with experience. Sadly, some never learn this lesson. Too many people yield to the temptation of instant gratification without thinking through the long term consequences. Instead of getting caught up in the moment, buy yourself some time to think through the cause and effect of a particular action. Not enough people do this, and that is exactly what I then have to deal with every day at work-- cleaning up major messes, and let me just add that I'm not a miracle worker, and some really unfortunate results can never be undone. Think (not with the lower part of your body) before you react to something or act on an impulse. There is a lot of temptation out there now, and a booty call is just a click or text message away for most. Just remind yourself that for every action, there will be a reaction. Do a cost/benefit anaylsis, and ask yourself seriously, does the good outweigh the bad? Each choice we make will come with some loss, that is just a fact of life. But what you need to be able to do is live with the choices you make, each and every day-- and remember, you [...]