Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
Time to Go Fish–in a New Pond
Have you recycled someone from the past, only to find that the same issues come up? Or do you keep dating the same kind of person, hitting the same dead end road after a few months? Don't beat yourself up, we've all done it. Why? Because it is safe, familiar, and comfortable. But when you get tired of this same thing happening over and over again, be honest with yourself-- it is not that the world is full of only this one type of person, it is YOU that are responsible for attracting the same kind of person. So if you want to change things up, you are the one that has to alter a few things: 1. What are your must-haves and can't stand? Perhaps the things you thought mattered a lot really aren't as important? Maybe looks aren't as important as IQ points. Maybe you can broaden your horizons with respect to age, religion, or acceptable occupations. Maybe a 10 mile radius can be expanded to 20? 2. How are you meeting your matches? Instead of sticking to just one dating site, or relying solely on Divine Intervention to meet a mate, try mixing things up a bit. There are tons of websites, activity-based groups, Meetups, alumni events, charity fundraisers-- you just never know where you will meet someone, so try a variety of options. 3. What image or vibe are you giving off? People can smell desperation a mile away-- and we run from it like the plague. Sexy is having your sh*t together, and being okay exactly where you are in life. There is no faking this fact, so if you have to work out some issues for yourself first, then do it. Confidence makes you shine-- just don't go to the extreme of being cocky, that's not hot. A while back when I was in one of my moods, complaining about the dearth of good men, one of my male friends that enjoys hunting and fishing asked me this: when you have actually gone fishing, do you always expect to catch a fish? I said, "no of course not, it's always just a pleasant surprise." He smiled then and said, "exactly. We hunt and fish for the pure joy of the experience- the actual capture is just icing on the cake." This my friends is excellent advice. Ultimately, dating is an on-going process of trial and error, so be patient and keep an open mind. You [...]
The Point of No Return
We've all had this experience-- when you cross over from caring immensely about someone (whether it is a male or female friend) to having complete apathy. What does this look like? Well, when you don't even care to ask that person how their day went, truly because you just don't care. That my friends is the point of no return. It is sad that this happens, but it is a normal part of life. As the saying goes, some people come into your life for a specific reason, or maybe just a season, but very few are life long friends. And because we are not all knowing, it is okay to sometimes miscategorize someone-- everyone does it, but what sets so many people apart is how they recover from this situation-- do they learn from their mistakes and move forward or do they wallow in self pity and harbor grudges? Do they spread rumors like venom or take the high road? I know it is not always easy, especially when someone has acted particularly cold and inhumanely, but try as much as you can to plow ahead with your dignity and grace intact. People always wonder why I have such a good relationship with several of my exs, including my ex-husband, and honestly the best answer I can give you is that with every single one of these people I never crossed over into complete apathy. I actually do still care about these individuals and enjoy catching up with them. I do wish them well, and I'm geninuely happy to hear when they enjoy some new success or milestone in their lives. Just because we weren't right for each other doesn't mean we can't remain connected as friends, and that is quite normal I think-- especially if you once held each other in such high regard that you decided to get married and start a family together. I did not get to write my son the love story I intended to write for him, but maybe the one that unfolded is actually better-- this child understands that relationships are complicated, and that although his parents were once very much in love, they simply could not live together. He knows we both love him and that he can count on both of us. He appreciates our different strengths and has definitely learned from both of our examples that it is better to live alone [...]
5 Tips of What’s Hot, and What’s Not
A few months ago, the Atlantic had a piece about our "hookup culture," and it summed things up so beautifully: Compatability isn't even all that important. Amusement, affection, affirming attention, sexual fulfilllment, the ever-elusive "fun"- that's what we're after. Those that are immersed in this culture are not dating on a mission to get married or settle down-- the only mission is to have a good time, so whether you share the same values or vision for the future is irrelevant. In the pursuit of hedonism, it's all about enjoying yourself in the present. Personally, I think many go through phases-- there may be times where you are interested in being in a committed relationship, and then you will screen differently for the right long-term partner, whereas other times, you may not want anything serious, and you just want someone with all the right parts and a great attitude. In the hookup mindframe, for most guys, if you are at the right place at the right time and look good, that's good enough for them. For women-- especially those of us with a profession that are completely self sufficient (except for one key body part that guys have), you need a little bit more than that. Here's a clue into what most of my peers think is hot, and what's not: 1. Humor- Do you appreciate irony? If you can make me laugh while showing off your wit, that's awesome. Being slap stick silly, not so much. 2. Accomplished- What have you done with your life? I dig those that have really made the most out of their years here on Earth. Those that can convey their success in an understated manner are rare-- and yet that is super hot. Meanwhile those that flaunt their junk, not so much. 3. Good Conversation- It is so intoxicating when you can go deep with someone in intense subjects, and if you can take a different point of view yet hold your own, that is super cool. If you just want to keep it light and fluffy, you are so going to lose my interest-- fast. 4. Going Out on a Limb- Everyone likes to play it safe, act cool-- I get it. But if you want the girl, you are going to have to do more than the bare minimum. The stupid "hey" text isn't winning you any points. Putting yourself out there, now that's how you truly get on my radar. [...]
Not All Lawyers Are Out for Blood
This week began with me having to put on evidence and then leave everything for a judge to decide what to do in the case, and thankfully the odds were in my favor that day. The week then ended with me acting as the mediator in a court-appointed case, where my role was to facilitate a discussion between the parties and hopefully help them reach an agreement on their own, without the need for the court's intervention. These roles could not be more opposite, and yet I have to admit, I love them both. Court should be an option of last resort, and actually the stats prove that about 95% of family law cases do settle before a trial. The research also indicates that about 1/3 of divorces are amicable, 1/3 are civil, and 1/3 are hostile. Sadly it is this latter category that we hear about the most, and let me be honest, a lot will depend on the attorneys the parties hire. Some just love to litigate, and they enjoy going for scorched earth. They thrive on sending nasty grams and playing games-- for them, going to court is like going to Atlantic City on someone else's dime. What thrill seeker wouldn't love that? This is exactly what clients are doing when they go hire "sharks" to inflict pain on their soon to be ex-spouse-- of course failing to realize that going down this path of destruction sucks many other loved ones around them into a world of misery, darkness and destruction. It takes a seasoned attorney with integrity to learn not to sink to the low depths some clients want you go on their behalf, and it takes guts to say to your client that you are not just some hired gun. I've had to refuse to do a lot of things, even at the cost of terminating the attorney-client relationship, because some things are just not worth doing. At the end of the day, you have to preserve your integrity-- not just for your own sake, but to protect your reputation in the community. One case will be over in 1-2 years, but I've got the rest of my life to practice law in front of all those judges that know me, and I am not about to risk losing the respect of the bench or bar for any client. No one is worth that, and thankfully there are many decent colleagues [...]
What Company Do You Keep?
Most of my friends are now in their 40s, some are even in their 50's, and not a single one complains about his/her age. Why? Because they all love what they do, they enjoy their family and friends, and they maintain a positive attitude. Does this mean that life is perfect? Of course not, but we all have a common mantra-- don't let the setbacks or challenges of life drag you down. A pyschologist friend of mine recently told me that a true friend is one that can celebrate with you when you succeed-- putting aside any feelings of jealousy or envy. Her theory is that anyone can step in to help you in a time of need, it might even serve as an ego boost for them to see that someone might have it worse than them. I'd never thought about it this way, but she is so right! Over the last 40 years, I have painstakingly picked friends that are brilliant go-getters and problem-solvers. We feed off each other's energy- but not in a negative sort of way. And I've also looked up to a variety of female Hollywood stars that have not let their age at all detract from their sex appeal. Why? Because they are proving that you can still rock it in your 40's, and so I owe a tremendous thanks to these amazing women for providing inspiration for the rest of us: (1) Heidi Klum, age 40; (2) Gwenyth Paltrow, age 41; (3) Camreron Diaz, age 41; (4) Sofia Vergara, age 41; (5) Naomi Campbell, age 43; (6) Jennifer Aniston, age 44; (7) Catherine Zeta Jones, age 44; (8) J.Lo, age 44; (9) Julia Roberts, age 45; (10) Sandra Bullocks, age 46; (11) Halle Berry age 47; (12) Selma Hyatt age 47; (13) Brooke Shields, age 48; and (14) Courtney Cox, age 49. Most of these women are moms and still have kick ass bodies-- regardless of whatever work they may have had done, they still have to exercise and eat right to keep themselves looking good, and juggle their own work-life balance issues under intense public scrutiny. I for one give them tremendous credit for keeping it all together while looking so fabulous, and I think they prove a great point for all of us: It can be done-- you just have to want it. I'm looking forward to a great decade ahead surrounded by the amazing company that [...]
Who’s Your Competition?
There is a lot of overlap between the business world and the dating world-- a tremendous amount depends on (1) the packaging, (2) how you market yourself, (3) the price point, and (4) where you position yourself. Do not underestimate the importance of all these things, however, in the end, there is one key thing that you will never know in the dating world: who is your competition? Knowing what your competitors are offering is a key piece of data that we all rely on in the business world, but you will probably never obtain that in the dating world, where what may be a selling point for one person may be a dealbreaker for another. You just never know, so let it go. When I first returned to the dating world after my divorce, I went in with a ton of assumptions, and yet slowly but surely they've all been torn down. At first I wondered why would guys would want to date a woman with a young child versus one that has a completely free calendar? Well, it turns out some guys really dig that caring, nurturing side that comes out when you become a mom. Then I worried that my profession might intimidate some guys, but I soon learned that most guys really dig a girl that can hunt for herself. As the years have gone by, I wondered if perhaps my age might start to count against me, and yet much to my surprise, lots of younger guys love the fact that I'm in no rush to get married, and that I have zero interest in having more children. To them, the pressure is off when they date "older" women, and this let's them just have fun-- and let me just say, wow, these guys are truly just yummy. This summer, while researching various life philosophies, a friend recommended Miguel Angel Ruiz's book, "The Four Agreements." What he proposes as 4 simple rules to live by, I would propose everyone should apply in the dating world, and they are as follows: 1. Make no assumptions. 2. Avoid passing judgment. 3. Just be honest and do your best. 4. Do not take things personally. So simple, right? Well, it takes a lot of practice to implement into your daily routine, but I truly believe this is the best way to remain sane and successfully navigate the dating world, where you really have no idea who you are competing against. As it turns out, [...]
Change Your Pad, Change Your Life
This past week, my friend Phillip, who owns Burning Tree Builders in Bethesda agreed to share some tips for couples about to embark on a home renovation project. Among the most important things he recommends for surviving the demolition of your home are the following: 1. Set a Realistic Budget- Be honest with your architect and builder about your cap for your project. It is their goal to make you happy, and they don't want to sell you on something you can't afford-- that won't do anyone any good. 2. Do Your Homework- Interview a few builders, research them, and make your selection not just based on the cheapest bid. Remember, you get what you pay for. Check references and make sure they are licensed, bonded and insured. 3. Be Flexible- Unexpected delays do happen, so don't think the completion date is set in stone, think of it more as a target date. Also sometimes materials are out of stock or no longer available, so be ready to make some changes. 4. Communication is Key- Check in regularly with your builder about how the project is progressing and if you don't like something, speak up sooner rather than later. Remember, these people are trying to help you obtain an end product that you will be happy with for quite some time. Pick one person to the spokesperson that will discuss updates with the builder. 5. Have a Solid Foundation- Living through the demolition of your house can truly test your relationship. Everything is a bit out of whack-- daily schedules get altered, you may not have access to certain areas on your house, private space is rare, kitchens may be out of use for some time, dust will get everywhere, and living with all this can test your patience-- and your relationship. You need to be able to calm each other down and work together on major decisions that the project will require you to make. So make sure you are on solid ground before you start tearing down the walls in your own home! Not everyone can live through a renovation project, which is why some people only buy new homes or recently renovated ones. Those of us that actually like renovations see it as a labor of love, and we have the ability to adapt and bear through some rough times by keeping the end product in mind. Be honest with yourself about how much you can take on both personally and as a couple. [...]
With Kids, 15 Ways to Lead By Example
As a kid, I always hated that saying, "do as I say, not as I do." It didn't make any sense back then, and it still makes no sense to me now. The easiest way for kids to learn something is through observation, which means we really have to be careful as parents and role models, and we need to lead by example. The last couple of years, after I got done teaching my son the basics, I put a lot of thought into life lessons I wanted to teach him, and of course that meant I'd have to try to live this way myself. Many of these pearls of wisdom come from my clients and elders, who looking back expressed deep regret for not having learned and passed on to the next generation these facts of life: 1. Say I'm Sorry- It is okay to admit when you were wrong; it's not going to kill anyone. No one is perfect, and we all make mistakes, but you need to show remorse. A little humility goes a long way in making amends. 2. Be Forgiving- People will constantly disappoint you in life, but for your own sanity, don't hold a grudge. Depending on the transgression, some of which may be truly inhumane and inexcusable, you don't have to accept someone's apology, but you also don't have to harbor resentment or let delusions of revenge eat away at you. Let them deal with their own guilt while you just let the past go and move on. 3. Relationships are Complicated- All of us need to think of relationship development as an ongoing work in progress. Not all relationships will work out, but you just need to give it your best shot. We learn something from every experience, so no mater how short lived an encounter may be, try to focus on what you got out of it. 4. You Can't Control Everything- As much as we may want to control our world, the fact is we can only control our own actions and reactions to the chaos around us. There are a lot of control freaks out there, and their lack of control causes them severe anxiety. Stay away from those that try to control you. 5. Pursue Your Own Passion- Once you are done with your studies, work is something you will have to do for the rest of your life, so find something you are passionate about that will make you happy to go to work each [...]
Use All Six Senses When Out on the Prowl
I know we are supposed to be this wonderfully evolved species, but at the end of the day let's not forget where we came from and ignore our natural instincts. When you are out there hunting, you need to tap into all six senses, and the more you do, I promise the more fun you will have out on the prowl. Let me explain a little more clearly... 1. Sight- Do not minimize the importance of visual appeal, it is a normal part of how we become attracted to someone. Pay attention to details-- are they well groomed, well dressed, well mannered? These things all say a lot about a person, and they do matter. 2. Sound- When you hear this person's voice, do you find yourself melting or does it sound like nails on a chalk board? When they laugh, does it make you want to giggle or cringe? Their sounds should soothe you, not annoy you. 3. Smell- We all have our own individual smell, and what attracts one may repel another. If you think their scent is offensive before they get all hot and sweaty, it will only get worse in bed. Meanwhile, a scent that lures you will seriously bring out the animal inside when you are in the sack. 4. Touch- Some people will surprise you-- they may seem cold and reserved, but then they are incredibly affectionate in private. Behind closed doors, there are those who are incredibly gentle, while others are a bit rougher, so the reality is there is a huge range here in terms of what people like, but all you need to concern yourself with is whether their touch is pleasing to you. This is a critical part of intimacy that cannot be ignored. 5. Taste- How do they taste? If they smell good, chances are they'll taste good too, and if they don't that is not a good thing. 6. Gut- This is what I call your 6th sense. What does your gut tell you when you are with this person? Every time I've ignored my gut I've regretted it. We all have certain instincts for a reason, trust them. They are part of our survival mechanism. No other animal out there sits and trys to convince him/herself that a situation is safe or debates whether it is worth giving something more time-- when they sense danger, they run. You need to do the same. I'm all for having fun while out on the prowl, [...]
Size Really Does Matter
Get your mind out of the gutter-- I'm not talking about any body parts here. But when you are sizing up whether someone makes a good partner, there are some things that really do matter: 1. What's in your wallet? Sad but true, most of us in a post-recession mindset don't want to get involved with a financial basketcase. Being fiscally responsible is a very attractive feature for both men and women, and neither side wants to be with a gold digger. So if you want to date well, clean up your balance sheet. 2. What's you dress/pant size? Really, let's be honest, physical appearance counts for a lot. If you are going to be out on the market, you need to look good. Eating healthy and exercising are not just good for your overall health, these habits will make a huge difference in your sex life. HUGE. 3. What's your IQ? I'm keeping it real here-- no one wants to date or marry down, especially when it comes to brain power. Truly, your ability to understand and connect with each other is going to depend a tremendous amount on how you communicate and relate to one another. Let's face it, if I was the nerdy chick at the front of the class in 4th grade asking for extra credit work, meanwhile you were the trouble maker at the back of the class getting all Cs and Ds, what on Earth will we have in common now? Nada so sionara. 4. How big is your heart? What I want to know here is how generous are you? Charitable contributions are great, but maybe you only do that once a year for tax purposes, so let's not base it on that. I mean on a daily basis, how often do you take time out of your own schedule to help someone in need? Are you volunteering for any local organizations? How do you give back to your community? Do you exhibit kindness as part of your everyday routine? This is an important trait. 5. How many tools are in your emotional toolbox? This one is a biggie-- a lot of people have very few tools in their emotional toolbox-- like maybe 2: a screwdriver and hammer. That's a real problem. For a relationship to really work, you need a much, much bigger emotional toolbox to assist with conflict resolution, repair work, coping in a healthy way [...]