Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
What is Your Bandwidth?
There are some lessons that you can truly only learn over time with experience, and one that really only became apparent to me over the years is this: we all have vastly different capacities for love. There is definitely a direct correlation between your bonding experiences growing up and the attachment style you display as an adult. A lot also depends on your mental health and ability to process emotions. The more insight you have into yourself then, the better you will be at identifying what you need in a partner, and whether you can accept the love they are capable of demonstrating. The only way to come to terms with your own bandwidth of course is to test its limits-- so here are some key questions you may want to ask yourself: 1. Can you tolerate long distance relationships? 2. Are you okay dating someone that is only available twice a month? 3. Can you stomach being intimate with someone that is seeing other people? 4. Do you have an issue with people that have to remain in constant contact with you and need to know your every move? 5. Is PDA (public displays of affection) acceptable to you? 6. Do you need big, elaborate gestures to feel loved, or are you more comfortable with low key, small acts of kindness? 7. Do you require daily compliments? 8. Is frequent intimacy important to you? 9. Are you more of a plain vanilla person, or do you like to live on the wild side? 10. Do you need to feel in control, or are you okay playing a more submissive role? There are no right or wrong answers to these questions-- you just need to be at ease with who you are, and then be capable of sharing these answers with your potential partner. They may not be able to meet your needs or wants for reasons that have nothing to do with you. As I said before, the way we are wired has a lot to do with our own nature and how we are nutured. So, you can't take it personally if someone says I just can't stomach a long distance relationship, or I'm not ready to commit to any one person. If someone isn't capable of meeting your needs, all it is speaking to is their own capacity, not your worthiness of being loved. Figure out your bandwidth, and then be honest with others about what [...]
Stop the Blame Games
It seems that on a weekly basis I have to explain to people that divorce court is NOT criminal court. We are not going to lock someone up for life or deprive them of all their income and assets just because someone had an affair or has a severe personality disorder or addiction problem. These fact patterns exist in over 75% of my cases-- and as a result of all the chaos most of the people I interact with are suffering from either situational depression or anxiety, and here I went to law school vs. medical school to stay away from sick people. God clearly has a sense of humor, but let me not digress-- my ooint is this-- although it is natural when you are in pain to want to lash out and have the other person suffer along side you, don't do it. It will not do anyone any good-- if you let yourself erupt like a volcano, everyone is going to wind up covered in ashes, including you. In the last 8 years, I have delved into a lot of psychology research, and I've come to understand a lot more about the human mind, including this phenomenon that some people cannot accept the slighest blame for anything because if they admit any fault, it means they are bad. These are black and white thinkers, so either you are all good or all bad-- they can't see the gray in the world. So what do they do? They blame others for everything, and there is no point in arguing with these people-- you can't be rational with an irrational human being. Do you see my point? Let me give you some examples: 1. I drink because of you. It's the only way I can cope with everything. 2. I work like a dog because of you-- to maintain the lifestyle you've become accustomed to. 3. I avoid coming home because of you-- I can't find any peace at home so I'm staying away. 4. I punched that wall because you made me so angry. Now my hand hurts and it is all your fault. I wish I was joking, but these are all true statements that I've heard from various sources, and it is really hard not to laugh, but as calmly as I can I just try to point out that it does take 2 to tango. If I truly wanted to refute these claims [...]
Don’t Bite Off More Than You Can Chew
I usually avoid absolutes like "never'" and "always," but generally speaking I think none of us want to fail, and we all enjoy the sweet taste of victory. The problem is that sometimes we overestimate our abilities or perhaps we underestimate the complexity of a situation-- especially in personal relationships. Long ago I realized that I am wired to want to exceed all expectations, and this is not a shocker to anyone that knows me. However, what I've also learned overtime-- especially at work-- is that if I don't want to disappoint my clients or colleagues, sometimes I am just going to have to say no upfront. If the case isn't going to be a good fit or the project is just more than what I can take on because of other commitments, then I am far better off declining the assignment upfront, and this way I'm spared the stress and aggravation that comes along with being over-extended and we all avoid the huge sting that comes with half-ass results, or a total fail. The more I witnessed the success of saying "no" in my professional life, the more I carried this over into my personal life, and although it is a lot harder to say "no" to someone you care about, we all need to learn this skill if we want to remain sane, which brings me to my main point... Throughout the years, I have seen a lot of crazy break-ups as a divorce attorney. Thankfully, I have not personally experienced many myself, but I have had a few, and the problem was always the same-- people tried to bite off more than they could chew. Either they over-extended themselves financially or personally, and eventually the stress or resentment grew to be too much. When you personally compromise too much of yourself and your own values to try and sustain a relationship, this is going to blow up in your face-- it always does, it is just a question of how long will you let things drag out. Sometimes I think the problem stems from a lack of either self-awareness or self-confidence. Maybe people think they can make certain compromises to get the guy or gal and that these minor concessions are not a big deal? Perhaps it is the fear of being rejected? Whatever the reason, if you find yourself taking on too much or giving in too much to others, you need to find a [...]
Work-Life Balance, It’s Not Just a Female Issue
Last week we had a great discussion about Sheryl Sandberg's "Lean In," and how the struggle for work-life balance is not just a female issue, but actually a major issue that impacts everyone. GenXers and those that have followed increasingly do not want to just make work their entire life, and as companies come to terms with the immense brain drain that occurs at the upper levels of management, we all need to take a hard look at what's a realistic expectation with respect to billable hours, the importance of face-time in the office, and time management all while taking into account commitments outside of work. I'm sure there is no doubt these days that I have enjoyed my legal career the past 15 years, but equally as important to me are the roles I play in society as a mother, sister, daughter, friend or partner. Both my male and female peers all feel the same way-- we want to do our best at work, but not at the expense of being a total failure in other equally important areas of our lives. We all struggle with balance-- finding time for ourselves, our families, and our greater community are not aspirational luxuries, they are a necessity to promoting a healthy life and stable society. Later this month, I'm going to feature Working Mamas, which is a local DC group that helps women excel in their careers while still feeling fulfilled in their family lives. Dealing with issues of guilt or resentment are quite common, and sadly we don't talk about this enough. So, here I go trying to change that, and I hope more will follow. In the meantime, here is the clip to last week's show: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RulEO_hrlqc&feature=youtu.be By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
The Importance of F-You Money
I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to have your own resources to sustain yourself. You never know what will happen-- you or your partner might get sick, either one of you might suddenly die, or you may just split up. Of the three, the last option is actually the least scary of all to me, but you have to self insure for that possibility. How do you that? Well, let's see... 1. Savings- Do you have at least a 3 month reserve for your necessary expenses in an account in just your name? If not, you have to start putting aside a little bit each month to do this-- and yes, this might mean not eating lunch out so much, drinking coffee at home instead of at a cafe, and cutting back on other non-essentials. During the recession, I had to teach a lot of my clients about budgets, and the new mantra many of us had to embrace is "do I really need this?" Every little bit counts, and the more you can set aside for a rainy day, the less anxious you will be about that possibility. 2. Earnings- Do you have your own sources of revenue, and if you had to could you live on what you yourself generate? If not, then what can you do to maximize your own income potential? You need to be self-supporting. This is key to not only achieving total independance, but to being able to protect your integrity and not having to suffer any fools-- at work or at home. 3. Credit- Do you have your own credit resources? If your cards are maxed out, you are living beyond your means, and you need to make debt repayment a top priority. If you credit sucks, you need to figure out a way to fix that, fast. Credit is key not just for loans and job opportunities, but to lower your cost of living. The better your credit, the cheaper the insurance rates, the lower you pay in security deposits, etc. There's also another benefit that is less obvious-- the more responsible you appear, the more likely you will be to get a loan from family and friends in the event of a real emergency. If you are a financial basket case, people will be far less likely to want to lend you money. My friends and clients that have decent savings, earnings and credit have managed to avoid financial [...]
Will You Make It Through the Holidays?
It is a very tough decision that a lot of couples will have to face in the next few weeks-- are you going to be able to keep it together through the holidays, or do you need to bail now? If you find that you cannot hold it together, then the answer should be clear-- bail now. There is nothing worse than trying to keep up a facade and make it appear to everyone like everything is fine, when inside you feel like you are dying. The holidays are supposed to be a festive time, but if you feel like you have nothing to celebrate and the last thing on Earth you want to do is buy presents for your partner, then the time has come to be honest with yourself and find a way to gracefully exit. I'm not suggesting this is an easy process to go through, nor one that you should try to tackle by yourself. You need to find an ally and develop a plan, but time is of the essence if you are feeling like a ticking time bomb because the last thing you want to do is explode, especially during the holidays and definitely not in front of little ones. I've always been a big fan of lists, and if ever there is a time to carry a journal and have lists to keep you focused, it is when you are going through a separation. If I had to develop a list for a friend about to separate, it would look something like this: 1. Get a consult with an attorney to learn about your rights and obligations; 2. Do a budget for yourself-- this is how you can determine what you can afford in rent, etc.; 3. Find an apartment or suitable short-term living arrangement; 4. Notify the post office and get mail forwarded elsewhere; 5. Go through your home and list the things you want to take; 6. Set up your own bank account and stop making charges on a joint account; 7. Change your passwords and lay low with social media; 8. Rely on friends or find a counselor for emotional support; 9. Try to talk with your partner about the logistics of moving out; and 10. Resist the urge to find comfort in the arms of another-- at least for 3 months. Throughout the years, I've always been amazed to see the dramatic change I've witnessed [...]
Lean In– or Out– At Least Now It’s A Personal Choice
On this week's tv show, we'll be talking about Sheryl Sandberg's "Lean In" and the relevancy of the Women's Bar Association. As many know, I've been very active throughout the years in DC's WBA, and my guest, Heather, has been very involved in the Maryland WBA. Both of us are GenXers, who were brought up as Title IX babies and graduated at the same rate as men in our law schools-- so you can imagine our surprise as we both went out into the real world, and then got a glimpse at some very stark disparities in the number of men vs. women in leadership roles within our field. There is about a 40% dropout rate of attorneys in the private sector world, and only 15% of women will ever make equity partner-- the chances are less than 4% if they are minorities. It is no wonder that over 1/3 of female attorneys will suffer from depression at some point in their careers-- the numbers themselves are so devastating. (All of these stats come straight from recent studies done by the ABA and NAWL). Needless to say, I was completely unaware of all these stats when I picked my field of study-- but to be honest, I'm not sure it would have made a difference. Ever since I was 12 years old I wanted to be a lawyer, and I don't regret my choice at all-- what is regretable is simply the inability law firms seem to have becoming more accomodating to those of us that want more of a work-life balance. We all understand that there is high overhead and the rent needs to get paid-- but what firms fail to fully acknowledge is that they are suffering a huge brain drain as people burnout and leave when the demands and pressure simply get to be too much. Fortunately, throughout the years, I've always had amazing male mentors at Andover, Georgetown, and in all my years of legal practice-- and they taught me well. Unlike a lot of my female peers, I don't have a problem being assertive and promoting my skills like a guy. I make no apologies when I disagree with someone, and I unabashedly voice my opinions-- even in a board room filled with nothing but men. I don't dwell on rejection, and I certainly will not back down just because someone with seniority thinks he knows better. Sadly, these traits do not come [...]
Are You Fighting Like Cats & Dogs?
Very few of my friends have both cats and dogs. Usually, you are either a cat or dog person, but not both. I'll be honest upfront, I am definitely not a cat person-- in fact, I'm allergic to them. So it is of no surprise that when I first referred to one of my friends as a cat recently he took great offense-- until I clarified what I meant by this comment, then he realized the magnitude of the compliment, not just for what it says about him but what it says about our friendship. Hoping that this might be helpful to others, let me explain my theory about those that fight like cats & dogs... I have always loved dogs-- they are incredibly loyal pack animals. When you come home, they eagerly greet you at the door while wagging their tails, and they love going for walks with you, having you play with them, and even just cuddling up watching a movie together. Hmm, this is almost exactly what I do with a partner, and as I my ex-husband lovingly pointed out very much like a dog, I have a very loud bark when I feel threatened, but deep down inside all I really want is a belly rub. He is dead right, and this insight has served him well the last 20 years that he has been in my life. Then we have those that are more like cats-- very independant, rather solitary and elusive creatures. They may on occassion grace you with their presence, but for the most part, they hunt on their own and enjoy their alone time. Do you see how this may be at odds with a dog person??? The attraction is easy to explain-- I've encountered a couple of cats in the past few years, and NOT the domestic kind, think more like a black panther-- they are beautiful and strong, clever and consistent enough that they don't fall off my radar, but in order for us to get along, even just as friends, I've had to come to accept the true nature of these incredible beasts. If you find yourself fighting like cats & dogs with someone in your life, just take a step back for a minute and try to think of all their positive attributes. Often what you will find is that those same traits that attract you can also infuriate you because you are [...]
The Back Story to Gina the Gymnast
Ten years ago, I was waddling down the streets of DC-- 9 months pregnant and ready to pop! I had no idea what the next decade would have in store for me, and let me be honest it turned out nothing like what I had imagined. Joking with the anesthesiologist at Sibley as we sat and watched the World Series, my only real concern back then was whether my son would be delivered without any complications, and thankfully everything turned out just fine after just 8 hours of labor. Everyone kept commenting on how I pulled through like a champ, and there was already talk about the next time, and all I could think was OMG people, let's not skip ahead-- I just want to enjoy this moment. As I laid in the recovery room with my newborn, there was such an amazing sense of joy coupled with an overwhelming sense of responsiblity. Life as I knew it was about to drastically change-- it was no longer just about my own needs and desires, now there was a little one that would be relying on me for his survival. I knew I could deal with the daily tasks, but I had a far greater concern that is best explained in a wonderful passage that is often quoted from the Prophet, which basically states that a child is like the arrow and the parent is the bow. If you want that arrow to fly straight and hit the mark, you have to keep the bow steady. The truth is that deep down, I had no idea if I could keep the bow steady. I did not have a "normal" childhood. Let's face it, I have not had a typical life at all. I grew up poor with an immigrant single mom, and the odds were not in my favor at an early age. Yet somehow I learned to speak English quickly, and I moved up in the academic rankings, as well as in the world of competitve gymnastics, such that by age 14 I won a scholarship to Andover. From that point on, I followed the cookie-cutter path designed for us prep school kids-- up until the birth of my son. Then, everything changed. I left law firm life to open my own practice, and yet while my career blossomed, my personal life unraveled. Sadly, it is only as a result of my own divorce that I finally went [...]
Are Your Expectations re Privacy Realistic?
Back in the days when I was an intern in the Manhattan DA's office-- even before the internet explosion-- I learned exactly how little is actually private. This lesson was later re-affirmed in the divorce world, where for the last 15 years I've been able to use the discovery process to get all the information I need with respect to a party's income, assets and liabilities-- plus all emails, hard-drives, calendars and monthly credit card statements dating all the way back to the date of the marriage if I really want to go for scourched earth. Biggest take-away I can share from all these years is if you don't want someone to know how you spend your money, pay cash. Now in a post 9/11 world, where it's not so clear who our enemies are, I get it, the government may need more leeway with respect to invading our privacy in the interest of protecting the greater good. Most of us have come to accept that if the government has good reason to spy on you, it can and will, but if you have nothing to hide, then most of us will continue to do our thing without any real concern. But what increasingly does worry me, and I hope others also find this bothersome is this: what's going on in the corporate world? Corporate America is increasingly tracking our purchases and spending habits, with very little government regulation at this time. If you are an employee for a company- you should know your emails are not private. Google also screens the contents of those with gmail accounts to then send them targeted ads. Credit agencies are now tracking your friend connections on Facebook, which can affect your credit. Meanwhile Linkedin is amassing tons of information about your resume and contacts. Banks track your spending habits-- and yes, they are paying attention to how much booze you buy. Grocery stores are also keeping tabs on your purchases, and retailers in general are amassing huge data banks full of our information, all presumably to try and better serve us. But doesn't this beg the question-- what is the private sector doing to keep our personal information safe? This was the subject of a great interview with a consultant for Homeland Security. Here is the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nLH03-w3rJc