Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
Have You Been Naughty or Nice?
Less than 3 weeks to go before Christmas, and as we work on our holiday cards and gift ideas, we inevitably have to ask ourselves how generous we feel like being towards the cast of characters that are part of our world. It's almost like an annual review of our status with family and friends, and here is where I love playing Ms. Claus and shedding the dead weight while rewarding those that have been good. Being perfectly candid, 2013 started out a bit rough, particularly with the death of my grandmother, who lived 97 very full years and is one of the most peaceful souls I've ever met here on Earth. There were other hiccups along the way, which are not worth mentioning here, but suffice it to say that those who truly cared about me stepped up and rallied, and I will be eternally grateful to those that stood by me in a time of need and helped make the second half of 2013 a stellar experience. As kids, we all learned that good behavior would be rewarded, whereas bad acts would be punished. I say we should continue to live that way as adults. Why put up a facade? If you don't feel like buying someone a present, then don't. If you can't afford to do what you'd like to do, just say that. There should be no drama during the holidays-- those that love you will understand if times are tough, and really once you become an adult, it's all about spending time together-- the magical gifts are for the kids, and that's where we should focus our resources in my opinion. During the holiday season, it is perfectly normal for all adults to reflect on the past, and think of what is yet to come in the new year. My advice is to start the new year fresh-- without the bad baggage. Don't harbor resentment towards those relationships that failed. Those that are there for you in good times and in bad are in fact rare, that's what makes them so special. Make those count, and with the rest, just envision yourself like Teflon-- don't let their b.s. stick to you. People can only drag you down during the holidays if you let them-- so don't allow yourself to give them that kind of power. In the end, I'm not leaving it to Santa, or any other powers that be, to figure out whether I've been naughty or nice. I know [...]
A True Miracle on 34th Street
Last week, after waiting four decades for this moment, I finally got to see the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade live this year seated right by the tv cameras-- a dream come true after freezing my butt off for years watching the parade while standing with the masses on the streets. It was truly an amazing sight, but what really made this moment all the more special was that I was able to share this experience with my mother, a cancer survivor who had never been to the parade, and my son, who doesn't remember when we went years ago. Together, it is something we can cherish for the rest of our lives, and with that we will always be reminded of the power of forgiveness. Three years ago, when I decided to go in search of my dad, let's just say my mother was not supportive of this endeavor. To be fair, even my closest friends were worried about this decision to open up my deepest wound in my life. Many could not understand why I was taking such a huge risk back in 2010, and while they worried about the possible trauma that I might suffer if grossly disappointed, I just focused on getting some answers for my son about our family history, although little did I realize at the time that I was the one who really needed the answers in order to find peace. After various trips to Florida the last few years, I have a far better understanding of the characters involved, and many tears were shed as we all came to grasp the depth of how much was lost and would never be recovered. However, everyone involved has stepped up to create some of the best family memories over the last 3 years helping that inner child in me that longed for so much to finally heal. There is no dispute that I am not the same person I was three years ago, and the evidence is all there as the entire journey was captured digitally in my blog, on Facebook, and later in over 50 tv episodes where I have revealed bits and pieces of my story. While there remains a lot that I have not shared out of respect for other's privacy, I do believe it is important for others to understand that we all have family baggage that we carry, and at some point-- especially during the holidays-- we must try to find it in our hearts to forgive our makers for their mistakes, accept their character flaws, and just let the [...]
5 Most Common Fears That Surface in Divorce
Tis the season for breakups, and every year I brace myself this time of year for some very difficult conversations about people's worst fears. Whether it comes as a surprise, or is something that everyone could see was inevitable, the fact remains divorce is a difficult process-- not legally actually, but emotionally. It is hard to untangle those ties that have kept you together all those years, and whenever I hear the stories, my only question is how did you last so long??? At first, I did not understand how people could live such unhappy lives for years before finally getting the courage to say enough is enough. And yet, over the years, I have come to see that what I may view as a simple reorganization of a family structure, is for many a very painful experience they have been dreading for quite some time because it means facing their greatest fears. Here are the top 5 fears I encounter most often: 1. The Scarlet Letter Syndrome. Many are afraid of what people will think. My response is who cares? If you need to get out of a dysfunctional situation, most rational people will be supportive and understanding. We are not living in the 1950's anymore. Being divorced does not carry the same stigma that it had when we were kids. Today over 40% of kids are being born out of wedlock, and blended families are an accepted part of our cultural norm. 2. Fear of being alone. This is a common one, and all I can say is that this is your choice. If you choose to close yourself off from society, then yes this can truly become your reality, but if you don't want to be alone, then you will find a way to motivate yourself to get back out there. Over 60% of once married people will remarry, so the odds are in your favor if that is what you want to do, and even if you don't-- that does not mean you are alone. My friends and family have rallied each and every year the last 8 years since I got divorced, and even though I have specifically made it a choice not to remarry, that doesn't mean that I never will-- actually it's just that having options is a lot of fun. 3. Fear of being poor. I'm not going to lie, getting divorced and having to support two homes [...]
What’s Left on Your Bucket List?
I've never been big on New Year's Resolutions, but I've definitely been working on my bucket list ever since I graduated college and finally got my first full-time job. This year, I say skip the stupid minor promises to yourself about eating better or trying to lose 10 pounds, and instead THINK BIG. Let yourself dream about things you want to enjoy before it's too late. Among the many great things to do in life that are not related to work or being a parent, here are some of my favorite PG-rated adventures, for those seeking a little inspiration: 1. Traveling Abroad 2. Horseback riding 3. Skiing 4. Fishing 5. Sailing 6. Playing Golf 7. Scuba Diving 8. Riding a Hot Air Balloon 9. Taking a helicopter tour over the volcanoes in Hawaii 10. Shooting a gun 11. Enjoying the great outdoors: hiking, biking, kayaking or canoeing 12. Flying trapeze 13. Touring NYC 14. Gambling in Vegas 15. Seeing the electrical parade and fireworks at Disney As you can see, over the last 20 years, I have definitely made a serious effort at enjoying a lot of the things I was not able to do as a child. Don't get me wrong, my mom truly did her best as a single parent with little means, and I will always be grateful for her sacrifices, as well as the generosity of those around us that helped me escape the reality I was born into and see that the world is in fact full of beauty. Sadly, I am now starting to see my GenX peers getting sick, and our parents are growing old and dying. Life for us is getting increasingly more difficult--especially as we get older and take on more and more responsibilties. Meanwhile, everywhere you look there are horrible stories of violence, unfathomable greed and severe acts of betrayal-- and as much as I want to try to address all these issues, every now and then, I also think it is critical to find an escape. What is the point of working hard if you can't have some fun? Whether you need to get away from all the madness or the drudgery of a banal existence, develop your own reward system and give yourself something to look forward to-- something major, like the kind of thing you will remember the rest of your life-- at least once. GenXers- I love you, but so many of you seem to have forgotten the importance of play. If I had to pick a [...]
Giving Tuesday Ideas
Today, in honor of Giving Tuesday, I want to encourage everyone to think about either making a donation, or volunteering for a good cause in your area. There are so many wonderful ways to give back to your community, and especially during the holidays, those of us that can, need to help those that are less fortunate. Each month in 2013, I tried to feature on Making It Last at least one local non-profit in our area, but this month during the holiday season I will be highlighting three: (1) Mentoring Today; (2) DC Campaign Against Teen Pregnancy and (3) New Beginnings. There are so many great causes out there, but the ones that go to my core are children, education, and healthy families. Here are ones we highlighted in past episodes: College Tracks, which is based in Betheseda, and helps kids through the college application process. PEP, which is based in Kensington and provides parent education programs. Manna, which is a food bank based in Gaithersburg, MD. Living Classrooms, which has programs in both Baltimore and DC that teach kids that will not go on to college trade skills so they can earn a living. Living in Pink, which is based in Bethesda and was founded by a breast cancer survivor to raise funds for cancer research. Becky's Fund, which is based in DC and raises awareness to prevent domestic violence. Junior Achievement, which is a nationwide organization that promotes financial literacy for kids in grades K-12. Women's Bar Assoc. Foundation in both MD and DC is the charitable arm of the WBA, which gives scholarships to women that want to pursue a legal degree. DC Lawyers for Youth, which seeks to reform the juvenile deliquency system and advocates for public policy changes that will distribute funds in a more efficient way. Although I lacked the means to give to all these wonderful causes, I certainly gave as much as I could of my time and energy-- and not just with the shows. For the last five years, I have guest lectured at my alma maters, and this year I was also able to connect with the Fresh Start students at Living Classrooms and teach for Junior Achievement at my son's school this spring. After I was given the honor of speaking at the annual fundraiser for the Oliver Scholars Program in NY, I decided to donate 10% of the net proceeds from my children's book to them. And now, just in [...]
Applying the Laws of Physics to Love
In physics, one of the main principles is that matter does not cease to exist, it simply transforms depending on its surrounding conditions. For example, if you take water and boil it, it turns from liquid into a gas, but it doesn't cease to exist. If you freeze it, it will become a solid, but then if you transport it to a warmer environment, it can melt and become a liquid once again. No need to be a mensa to follow this basic example of how things can and will change depending on what they are exposed to-- so why is it so hard to believe that this same rule of logic can apply to love? Each person is a mass of energy, with vastly differing potentials. There is in my opinion a direct correlation between a person's energy level and his/her capacity to love, which I view as a byproduct of our own energy. Again, applying another basic physics principle, we all accept that energy cannot be destroyed, it only transforms between the two forms of energy- potential energy (which has yet to be used) and kinetic (which is in motion.) In human partnerships then, when two energy sources meet and are able to feed off of each other in a healthy way, their kinetic energy creates a love that is simply magical. But can this realistically be maintained? It is a question I am often asked, and I believe it depends on both energy sources, and the environments they are exposed to over time. If we can accept that nothing in life stays in a permanent state, then we have to recognize that it is the same with love. For example, the love I felt for my unborn son 10 years ago is nothing compared to the love I now feel towards this growing human being with his own distinct personality, thoughts and creative ideas. However, it is equally apparent that just as our feelings can become more intense over time in a positive way, energy can be re-directed down a dark path. The key to survival, as Darwin pointed out, is adaptabilty. In life, as our environments constantly change, we see all living creatures modifying their behaviors to stay alive. We need to apply this same concept in our relationships- if you want to stay together, you need to make sure that you are both absorbing positive energy from one another. Negativity needs to be addressed right away-- find a [...]
The Joys of Being Married
There are a lot of lists out there espousing the virtues of being single, and some idiot even got me a book listing all the reasons it is great to be single-- but if being single is so great, let me ask you this: why is it that over 80% of Americans still believe in the importance of tying the knot??? Let's be real, while I realize that over the last 8 years many of my married friends have often lived vicariously through me and my hilarious dating stories, they also know that I hate coming home to an empty apartment after a huge win, or receiving some great news. The silence that follows a day full of great highs just plain sucks-- and yet it is in those moments that I remember all the reasons it was so great to be married to my best friend. For those that maybe have not yet experienced being in a great partnership, or sadly may have forgotten the positives about married life, here is a glimpse into what makes that walk down the aisle so worth while-- when you do find the right one: 1. Meals Together- It really isn't fun to eat a bowl of cereal by myself, even as entertaining as I may be in my own mind. Seriously, being able to share a meal with a loved one is just so awesome, and something we take for granted-- until it is gone. 2. Date Nights- It is so nice to just avoid the whole "scene" and be able to cook together, open a bottle of wine, and watch a movie at home any night of the week. Knowing the x-rated activity is also guaranteed on a weekly basis with someone you love and trust is also very cool. 3. Facing Challenges- When you are part of a team, problems just seem less daunting. It is so amazing to know that someone has your back, that you are not alone in dealing with whatever life throws your way. 4. Family Time- Being able to share special moments on holidays or vacations with someone you love-- those are the memories that last a lifetime, especially once you have kids. Sadly, you can have all of this and still have it fall apart because as the years go by, it is very easy to take each other for granted or grow apart. Also, temptation is everywhere these days, and it's never been harder to stay together, especially with the demands of our duel careers [...]
5 Tips for Surviving the Holidays
As we all gear up for the holidays, I find a lot of people are excited to have a few days off, but dreading the commute and perhaps intense amounts of time with loved ones, who can drive us crazy with their probing questions or inappropriate comments. The reality is, only those dearest to us can take such liberties with us that the rest of the world wouldn't dare try. But rather than just grin and bear it, here are 5 tips to make for a more enjoyable holiday with your family: 1. Set Your Own Boundaries-If there is something you don't want to discuss, think about how you will decline to engage in the conversation before it even comes up. Practice whatever line you want to say a few times, so this way, if the moment arises, you have it down like a champ. I suggest something short and sweet like "I really don't want to talk about that right now." 2. Take a Time Out- If you feel yourself getting upset or on edge, don't reach for the booze. Instead, go for a walk, bike ride, or run. If that's not your style, then say you need to take a nap or bring a good book and go to a quiet room for some alone time. Just as we encourage our children to take a time out to calm down, grown ups should be entitled to the same courtesy. 3. Remember the Good- No one has the perfect family-- we are all flawed human beings, but the holidays is about celebrating those ties that bind us, and rather than remember the bad, try to focus on the good. 4. Find an Activity- A lot of families enjoy playing football or decorating the tree while the turkey is in the oven. Some of us nerdy types like board games, trivia or cards. Pick something fun that will bring people together and keep things light. 5. Silence is Golden- We all have an instigator in our family-- there is always one that likes to stir up trouble. Funny thing is this-- you actually have a choice as to how much power you give him/her. If you engage, it's not likely to end well, but if you just stay quiet, you are not giving them any ammunition and they'll eventually stop firing. Take the high road, and I promise that [...]
6 Things Most Lawyers Wish They Could Say to Clients
Tonight I have the privilege of presenting at GW University, where I get to share my thoughts on what it is like to practice law in the 21st century. I have put a lot of thought into the message I want to convey-- because I know it is a grim market out there, and yet I like to be the messenger of hope. Remaining an optimist after 15 years as a divorce attorney may seem odd, but honestly, it is all in how you view things. I don't see myself as someone that tears families apart. In reality, the damage has already been done way before anyone comes to see me, so it is all about damage control as I work to restructure the family's ties. All that being said, there are 5 things I think clients should be cognizant of in order to preserve a healthy attorney-client relationship: 1. Babysitting is expensive. I liked babysitting when I was a teenager, but that is not the best use of someone's resources at my current rates these days. I get paid to put out fires-- major ones every day. So, when you get assignments and deadlines from me or the court, do your best to stick to them without requiring a lot of hand-holding. 2. Listen carefully. You are in crisis mode, which means you are not thinking clearly. I'm doing my best to help you out of this legal mess. But, if you are not going to follow my advice, why are you paying me? If you are not going to heed my warnings, then what is the point of asking me my opinion? 3. No pro bono requests please. Everyone has a sad story, but resources are limited. Meanwhile, we all have our designated charities, where we want to commit our time and money. Giving away thousands of dollars to a complete stranger is not going to happen. As a result, if government and non-profit lawyers cannot handle the case, then you either need to represent yourself or pay someone a reasonalbe rate to help you. I don't know anyone that works for free, and I'm not sure why people think it is ok to ask for an attorney to take their case pro bono. 4. Discipline Your Emotions. Emotions have no place in the practice of law. We are trained to be objective, and create clean contracts-- we want as little emotion as possible to cloud your judgment when making major decisions. We are not meant to be used as [...]
7 Signs That S/he Just Isn’t That Into You
Sometimes, we only see what we want to see, and we are incapable of seeing what everyone else around us can see. My dad told me that a few years ago, and it has stuck with me ever since-- especially when I'm asked to weigh in on the dating scene. I'm not quite sure why this happens, but somehow it is incredibly common for someone to miss the signs that the person they are with is just not that into them. Here are some examples of what you need to watch out for: 1. My work/travel schedule is just so hectic, that's why I can't see you more than once a month. 2. I'm at a place in my life where I really can't commit to anything- don't take it personally. 3. Well, maybe I could see us moving forward, but you really need to move closer, this distance/commute is a real pain. 4. Can we change your wardrobe around a bit? 5. Have you thought about getting a personal trainer or getting a makeover? 6. Will you let me help you redecorate? 7. Since I don't have anything in common with your close friends, can you just hang with them on your own time? What do these things tell you??? This person clearly isn't interested in making you a priority and/or doesn't accept the package being presented, and so you have two choices: 1) try to change because you really want that guy or gal, or 2) you can gracefully exit with your self-esteem intact before things get too far. I highly recommend the latter tactic, although it might sting short-term, in the long run you will be happy you preserved your reputation and dignity. For reasons I cannot fully explain, I've never let anyone try to change me, and luckily my past loves that remain in my life taught me well as to what to expect in a healthy relationship. Sadly, I understand that not everyone has had a positive experience of what love should look like, so here is my humble attempt at shedding some light on this subject: Love is when someone accepts you for who you are-- faults and all. There is no need to be together, in fact it may not even make any sense at all, but there is a deep and mutual want-- a desire that just conquers all doubts. Overtime, as you build mutual trust and respect, you also develop a deep understanding for one another, and [...]