Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
Tis the Season to Plan a Wedding!
In the wedding industry, it is well known that over a third of all engagements occur over the holidays, so now is the time when people really start to focus on making their plans for the big day. Here are the major points that need to be addressed right away: 1. Number of Guests 2. Venue 3. Caterer 4. Entertainment 5. Photographer/Videographer These vendors book up fast, so that is why you need to take care of these items right away. For some, all these decisions can be rather daunting, and if you find yourself feeling this way-- don't despair. There are plenty of wonderful experts out there that love to assist couples with the planning process. Have fun with it all, and if you need a little more for inspiration, here's an episode we did on MMCTV with a wedding planner from Evoke: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M0WbizskpI8
Starting Over? You are Not Alone.
Starting over after a long-term, committed relationship comes to an end is never easy. The sooner you can work through that anger and/or sorrow, however, the sooner you can move to a better place emotionally, where you start to see the new opportunities that lie before you. In that vein, it is key that you make some newly single friends fast-- not because misery loves company, but so you have people in your life that feel your pain yet they won't let you wallow in self pity. Together, you can find ways to laugh about some of the ridiculous things you may have said or done as your relationship unraveled, and they can help you find the humor in some of the absurd things the other person may have said or done in an attempt to get one final dig in before things ended. Why is this so critical? Because laughter is the best medicine to heal a broken heart. Creating a new social network, finding friends to share the holidays with you, learning to date after being out of the game for ages-- it can all be done. Plenty of us have had to do this, and together we can make this process a lot less daunting for others. The past 8 years, I haven't just talked the talk, I've had to walk the walk, and sadly it is only by walking a mile in my clients' shoes that I've come to fully comprehend the full impact of a divorce, as well as the challenges of starting over. Luckily, with the help of many, I not only found the silver lining on some stupid cloud hanging over my head-- in fact what I discovered was more like a beautiful rainbow after surviving a monsoon that almost killed me. Alone, I would have died. New Beginnings is a wonderful local organization that helps recently separated/divorced individuals create a network and find useful resources. I recently featured this non-profit on MMCTV, and here is the link to that segment: http://mmctv.granicus.com/MediaPlayer.php?view_id=3&clip_id=1571
Should I Stay or Should I Go?
After the holidays, lots of people ask themselves this question: should I stay or should I go? Honestly, if you are asking this question don't you think that is a huge red flag? Now I know that we all have different tolerance levels and definitions for what is unacceptable, but I am a big fan of going with your gut and sticking to the rule of 3 strikes, you're out. Here are my top 3 indicators someone is striking out: 1. If you have to convince yourself that someone is "right" for you, that is not a good sign. Honestly, there are better things to analyze than a pros vs. cons list of why you should stick it out with someone. 2. If you have to make excuses for why this person may not be the best at showing his/her affection, that is just crap. 3. If you constantly have to decipher the message someone is trying to convey, clearly you are not communicating easily or well. When you find yourself getting upset on a repeated basis, and then you have to calm yourself down because the other person doesn't even know what is the right thing to say or do, it is time to go. It's not that one person is necessarily a douche bag, or the other one is a nut job, it's just that those two are a bad match. No point in psycho-analyzing this situation to death, it's actually quite simple: this is just not working out. We all have baggage, and no one should have to make any apologies for the way s/he is wired or what s/he expects in a relationship. Either someone can step up, or they can step aside. No hard feelings-- because more than likely someone better will come along. Final piece of advice-- no need to give a detailed explanation. Your "constructive criticism" is simply going to fall on deaf ears, so just spare your breath. The final goal is just to exit gracefully with your dignity intact. Hope this helps those of you pondering whether you should stay or go. And if you do decide to go, just one more thing-- don't look back. Move on to the next chapter in your life, and leave the past behind you! By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
Make Time, and Enjoy the Moment
Why are kids so happy? Because they don't dwell on the past or worry about the future. When they are doing something, they are completely engrossed in the moment, and maybe we should try to take a page from their book and do the same more often. This year, in my own effort to worry less and enjoy the moment more, I took a page from the "Happiness Project" and began by de-cluttering and simplifying my home life. In the process, I detached from the past and extricated myself from negative situations. Then I took to heart what Miguel Angel Ruiz suggested in the Four Agreements: 1. Make no assumptions; 2. Avoid passing judgment; 3. Be honest, and just do your best; and 4. Don't take things personally. Inspired by those gentle souls that I have crossed paths with over the years, I wound up reading almost a dozen spiritual books by some of the masters, including the Dali Lama and Deepak Chopra, and what is undeniable is the common theme they all promote-- learning to let go of outcomes. What kids seem to know instinctively, and we seem to forget as adults, is that we should enjoy the journey and not worry so much about the final destination. 2013 showed me that I cannot control what happens around me, only my reactions. Rather than dwell on the losses or allow anger to take hold, which is just a waste of energy, I stayed positive believing that that attitude would yield positive results. The masters were right, and I humbly bow down to Millman for showing me the way with his book, The Way of the Peaceful Warrior. Being present has allowed me to see that we are all born with different capacities, and there is no point to passing judgment on others. Those of us that have been blessed with many gifts need to be grateful for what we have and show compassion to those less fortunate- because we are all connected, we are all human, and in the end we will all suffer, but together we can ease each other's pain and bring joy to one another. Embracing life with a much more open mind has reduced a lot of unnecessary stress for me, and taking time to connect with others has enriched my life beyond words. Here is hoping more will free themselves to enjoy the moment, and take time to be with family and friends. Only those that make time to give and [...]
Making Your NYE Resolutions Count
Three years ago on NYE, I remember racing from an intimate dinner with friends to one of those ridiculous hotel parties in DC to ring in the new year, and once I found myself there surrounded by a bunch of strangers drinking cheap champagne from a can, my resolution came to me right away: not doing this again. I decided then and there that in 2011, it was time to face the one thing I'd been avoiding for quite some time-- after 20 years, it was time to try and find my dad. Luckily, I was able to track down my uncle rather quickly in January 2011, and the following month my dad flew to DC. At rather warped speed, I was able to meet his entire side of the family that year and integrate them into my life. By the time NYE rolled around, I was exactly where I wanted to be-- surrounded by my family in Miami feeling on top of the world. But there was still some more repair work to be done,... 2012 was the year to reconcile with my mom, and that was definitely something I could not have accomplished without tremendous encouragement and support from my father, step-mother, aunt and godparents. They all believed this was critical to my emotional well-being, and although I did not fully see their point at the time, I did trust in their wisdom, and of course it turns out they were 100% correct. Sadly that year ended with my grandmother in the hospital, and I opted for a low key NYE realizing I needed to draft a eulogy, which I in fact wound up giving in the beginning of this year. My plan for 2013 was to start fresh-- purging not just things, but all negative energy. I set some pretty high goals for this year, and although not everything went according to my vision, it all turned out beautifully. With the help of family and friends, I finally moved into a new home and finished my children's book, while also completing 58 tv episodes, winding up on Good Morning America and making the Washingtonian's top lawyers list in December. So how will I celebrate NYE? On top of a mountain, literally, with my favorite person on Earth-- my son. I have no idea what 2014 has in store for me, but here is one thing I do know-- I'm out to make my NYE resolutions count. So far, I've got a good streak going-- [...]
Starting Fresh After a Break-up
Break ups are never easy, especially the longer you've been with someone and the more your lives have become intertwined. Yet once you get past the unpleasant task of untangling everything, purging crap (including cleaning up your digital life) and establishing new norms, slowly but surely a calm washes over you and soon thereafter a sense of hope begins to build as you find yourself forging a new path, and you realize that what you have in front of you is an amazing opportunity for a new beginning for yourself, and maybe eventually with someone else-- someone better suited to meet your needs and share a life with you. Personally, what I found after my divorce is that after the dreams of my happily-ever-after came crashing down, a whole new world opened up with very little rules and a heck of a lot of flexibility. Both professionally and personally I found myself far more willing than ever before to test new limits and challenge preconceived notions of how things "should be done." The less rigid my mind has become, the more doors just keep opening up-- and maybe this is more than anything else attributable to the fact that before I simply wasn't able to see them from my limited point of view. To change your way of thinking and the way you view the world does not happen overnight. Appreciating the complexities of life happens over time, with experience. But sadly, for many of us the experience that tends to jolt our systematic way of thinking is a catastrophic event, like death or divorce. Thankfully, this is NOT a person's defining moment, it's just the trigger for a series of events or a chain reaction that will lead to someone's metamorphosis. Honestly, a key part to my own metamorphosis was dating-- because it opened me up to seeing the world from varying perspectives. In the last 8 years, I've dated people ranging from 13 years my senior to 6 years my junior, and some have been richer while others have been poorer, with some being totally non-committal while others were just rushing to walk down that aisle again. (I highly recommend avoiding the latter.) Needless to say, there has never really been a dull moment in my own post-divorce journey and by being open to these different opportunities, my own understanding of the world has grown far deeper and richer than I'd ever imagined possible. For those of you about to embark on this journey, I encourage you to watch last [...]
Good Things Do Come to Those That Wait
Growing up, the best part about the holidays was seeing how NYC got all decked out for the holidays with the gigantic tree at Rockefeller Center, the lights everywhere, and the store windows all beautifully decorated. At home, it was always just me, with my mom and grandma. That was my entire family, and my grandma's big tradition was going to midnight mass on Christmas Eve, which to be honest I hated. I just wanted to go to sleep and wake up to a bunch of gifts under the tree-- and I longed for a fire place with stockings, but of course that wasn't going to happen in our modest little apartment, with Santa always on a budget. But I never gave up hope that one day I would have the kind of Christmas that I'd always dreamed of, if not for me, then for my own child.And so it has been my whole life, I've always had to wait for things. It took me 21 years to finally break my family's cycle and become the first college graduate. Soon thereafter, I broke another record by finishing law school and getting married at age 25. Then I had to wait another 5 long years to get to the place in my career where I felt secure enough to tackle motherhood while balancing that with the demands of work. Finally, it is in the last 10 years that I've focused on righting all the wrongs from the past, and basically everything I did not get to have as a child, I've made up for with my own son. Funny thing is that along the way an unexpected thing happened--that poor little 8 year old girl from Queens that longed for so much has come out to play with him. Turns out, all this time she's been waiting-- waiting for the moment where she could finally have those experiences that so many others seemed to just take for granted, like family beach vacations, or Disney with the family or even just Christmas dinner surrounded with a big family.This year in particular, my son seems to be far more aware of things than ever before, and the other day as we were baking more cookies for Santa, he asked me whether when I was a child I ever decorated my home the way we do now. Of course, the answer was "no." Then he asked about the gifts I got, and of course the answer was that I never got anywhere close to [...]
Getting Engaged Over the Holidays?
Lots of people get engaged over the holidays, in fact I was one of those many, many years ago. Just hours later, everyone started asking about the timeframe, location, what kinds of flowers, venue ideas, etc. If there is one piece of advice I can give to those about to embark on this journey, it would be this: take your time, and do things your way. It actually doesn't take long to plan the major logistics-- your party size will dictate the venue options, and your budget will really drive everything else. Keep in mind that the average U.S. wedding costs about $22,000, although in places like NYC and DC this might barely cover the flower budget for some couples. And this is why a lot of family dynamics will play into the whole planning process. Now, as a matrimonial attorney the most interesting trend I've seen over the last 15 years is the tremendous rise in families insisting upon prenuptial agreements. Let me be brutally honest, a lot of trust funds and family corporations now have written into their operating agreements that the beneficiary or shareholder must have a valid prenup in order to protect his/her interest in the family trust or corporation. Not very romantic, but super smart-- just in case things go south, it's nice to know what's off limits vs. what's up for grabs. So, before you start making all sorts of announcements and posting things on social media sites, you may want to have a little talk with your beloved about whether s/he is thinking about doing a prenup, and if so, you may want to find out sooner rather than later what the terms of that agreement will include-- some are fairly straightforward, but more and more we are seeing some very strict or rather harsh provisions. I know most people like to postpone unpleasant conversations, but honestly this is not something you should leave to the last minute. The sooner you get these difficult discussions out of the way, the sooner you can focus on the more enjoyable tasks, like tastings and shopping for the perfect outfit. Another thing I would suggest looking into is a marriage prep class. There are some great non-secular weekend programs available that cover a lot of topics that you may not have really considered. If you have not done so already, you really need to talk about your views on managing money, balancing careers [...]
Opposites May Attract, But They Don’t Last
There are a lot of lessons that I've been trying to impart on my son over the last 10 years, and it is definitely nice to see now that the hard work over the past decade is in fact paying off, but just as interesting are the lessons he's gleaned unintentionally, simple through observation. My favorite one that falls into this category is his comment the other day that the number one lesson he's learned about relationships is that "you shouldn't marry your opposite, it won't last." So true-- I only wish I'd realized this in grade school! It is easy to see why opposites attract-- someone different is interesting, fun, and maybe sometimes a bit of a challenge. It's exciting to see the world through their eyes-- you get a totally different perspective from them. Also, for those of us that like to debate and/or test limits, the ability to do this with someone that does not think the same way you do is way cooler. For quite some time these games can be a blast, trust me, I have tried this theory out a couple of times. Yet in the end, the result has always been the same-- the very reasons I might first have been drawn to my opposite are the same causes for the demise of the relationship. Sadly, love does not conquer all. For it to last, you need trust and respect, which fundamentally cannot exist with someone that doesn't share the same core values. Don't underestimate the importance of how critical it is for you to be on the same page with your partner on major issues regarding what I consider the Big Six: (1) finances, (2) career, (3) family, (4) friends, (5) religion, and (6) sex. If you don't trust or respect the way people handle the Big Six areas in their life, your love will simply not last. For years, I admit that I felt guilty for not modeling a happy, intact marriage for my son, who was 2 years old when I got divorced. And perhaps as a result of that guilt, on a couple of occasions over the last several years I tried much harder than I should have to fit a square peg through a round hole, until I just couldn't deal anymore. Ironically, this may be the best life lesson that a child from a divorced parent can learn: there is no point in being with someone if you aren't happy. Rather than [...]
Use a SWOT Analysis- Even in Dating
In the corporate world, we use a SWOT analysis all the time, especially during annual retreats, to determine what are the firm's strengths, weaknesses, opportunities and threats. The point is to continue to play off our strengths while finding new opportunities to address the weaknesses and eliminate the threats. This is an incredibly useful technique that helps companies figure out their competitive advantage, and the fact is more of us should apply this concept to dating. To be perfectly candid, I did not understand much about the dating scene 8 years ago. I went straight from college to living with my boyfriend, who later became my husband in law school. After 12 years of being together, when we divorced in 2005, I was shocked to see how the dating landscape had changed, especially as a result of modern technology. Luckily, I am a quick learner, and if I had to emphasize 3 key points, they would be this: 1. Pace yourself - you don't need to speed things up just because someone else has a different agenda. 2. Take breaks when you need to-- we all have moments that require us to focus on other things, and rational human beings will understand that work and kids have to come first. 3. Stay focused- don't let your emotions cloud your judgment. You need to stay true to your wants and needs and stay clear of your deal-breakers. Don't compromise those for anyone. If someone actually makes it past the four month mark, and you find yourself getting serious, then you may want to start doing a SWOT analysis. Do you play off each other's strengths and shore up each other's weaknesses? What opportunities are there together? And most importantly, what are the threats to this relationship, and can they be addressed? In law school, I was taught to plan for the worst and hope for the best. Funny thing is that this mentality has actually saved my life many times and served me incredibly well in dating. Here's wishing you too will plan for the worst while hoping for the best! By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.