Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
Let’s Revisit the Marriage Contract…
If you look at the traditional marriage vows, here's what they say: I take thee to be my wedded spouse, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part. So sweet and simple, right? Well, except that the lawyer in me now wants to clarify a few points and maybe add some footnotes-- particularly around the part about sickness and the "till death do us part." Let me explain why... As a matrimonial lawyer, I draft and negotiate contracts for people everyday-- sometimes for happy couples about to get married (that is about 25% of my practice), and the rest are for not so happy couples that need to separate and untangle their joint lives. After 15 years of observing family dynamics and 8 years of research as to what can make or break a marriage, I firmly believe it is these vows themselves that doom a couple if even just one truly believes that a person is going to stay in the marriage no matter what. Maybe so in ancient times, but NOT in the 21st century. We all understand and accept that everyone has good and bad days, that sometimes we'll have good financial years and other times we'll have lean years, and of course everyone gets sick at some point, but the key question here is are you taking care of yourself? Are you doing your very best to eat healthy, exercise, rest and stay well? If an issue comes up, are you addressing it or are you slacking? If demons from your past surface, are you making an effort to face them? If you let yourself go, and you allow your anxiety or depression to take hold of you, you are not just ruining yourself-- you impact all those around you. If you lack coping mechanisms for your stress, and you start becoming belligerent, or you start drinking excessively, these actions will cause a reaction from those you love. For every action, there is a reaction. While no one can force another to get help, we can all make the choice to walk away. It's called self-preservation. In over 75% of my cases, one partner is an alcoholic or drug addict, and the other person has finally gotten to the point where s/he cannot deal with this situation any longer. To leave is not easy, [...]
The Quickie Divorce? It is Possible.
In the Netherlands, they have the Divorce Hotel, and there is a couple in Chicago that is now promoting the Weekend Divorce. Does this sound too good to be true? Not to me actually-- lots of couples cannot take time off of work during the day, and at night we all want to go home and unwind and spend time with our families. So, what if you could meet with a mediator on the weekend and hash out your legal issues? I've been asked to do this many times, and it's actually a very efficient process. Here is how it works: Upfront, a couple will submit their joint request for a mediation. They book a three hour block of time and pay upfront. They bring with them all of their financial info, and meanwhile I bring snacks and a flip chart. Part 1- We go over the basic rules of mediation, and an overview of the legal issues we must address. Part 2- Each side gets an equal amount of time to express his/her goals and concerns re the divorce. Part 3- We generate options (aka brainstorm solutions) on how to address the key points re (1) custody; (2) child support; (3) alimony and (4) property division. Part 4- Evaluate and narrow the options for an amicable resolution. Only lawyers can actually explain the law and draft a Separation Agreement that will be accepted by the court, therefore non-lawyers that act as mediators can only provide couples with a Memo of Understanding. Parties must understand that the Memo is NOT something most courts will accept. Once the parties have formalized their Agreement, the filing process in MD and DC is really not very complicated. Now most large firms do not even want to bother with these quickie divorces, they prefer to focus on the big cases. I actually prefer the smaller cases, and I firmly believe the clients that are committed to obtaining a quick and amicable settlement should be able to get just that, without incurring thousands of dollars in legal fees, which would be far better spent on their kids. Reasonable lawyers with a reasonable approach to the divorce process are out there-- you just need to do your homework. Quickie Divorce? Yes, it is possible. By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places?
In the dating world, some people are simply out to have fun, and if that's the case, a lot of fun can be had with a ton of inappropriate characters out there. I'm definitely not one to pass judgment-- believe me, I completely understand why you would date someone you have zero chance of falling in love with-- because it is safe. For those who don't get this, let me try to explain-- after you have suffered a tremendous loss, the last thing on Earth you want is to open yourself up to further heartache. When you feel this way, the logical conclusion you can reach is: what could be safer than being with someone you aren't really attached to? Here are 2 main reasons why that logic is faulty: (1) When you have two people that are just out to have fun, then this is all fine & dandy. The problem of course is that often one becomes attached, while the other does not. Then essentially what you have is a dysfunctional see-saw, and it can become quite unstable fast. Why? Well, remember when we were kids at the playground? In order for the see-saw to work, you both had to put effort into it and take turns. When one person went too fast, it got scary. If someone just got up and quit, the whole game ended. And, if one person just left without warning, well the other would come crashing down and literally hit rock bottom. Sadly, you sometimes have to hit rock bottom before you realize the dysfunctional see-saw you've been replicating over and over again in the dating game. (2) Although some of you are consciously choosing to date just for fun (and that is your prerogative), some of you may be subconsciously sabotaging any chance at finding a real long-term partner, and if you are in the latter category, it's paying attention to your past patterns that will be most helpful to you in getting to the root of this problem: and answering the key question: Why are you dating down-- someone less attractive, less smart, less caring, or emotionally unavailable? We've all done it, so don't give yourself too much grief, but at some point for your own sanity you may want to dig deep inside to find the answer-- I promise it is worth taking the time and doing some soul searching if you eventually want to break your [...]
5 Benefits of Going Stag
Soon you'll be getting save the dates as the season for galas and weddings goes into full gear. Some of you will dread sending in that rvsp because you have a hang-up about going to things stag. Let me say right off the bat: get over it. Going stag can be a ton of fun! Since I got divorced years ago, I've had to go to countless events on my own-- weddings, funerals, showers, anniversaries, even galas all without a date, and it has all worked out just fine. Here is why: 1. No need to babysit- it's actually a drag when you have to babysit someone at a party. It is so much easier to work a room by yourself. 2. Not playing arm-candy- when you are there without a date, you can talk (and leave with) whomever you want. 3. No limitations- if someone wants to set you up with a friend, and meanwhile someone else is asking you out for a date the following week, you can take advantage of all the options out there. 4. Come & go as you please- if you want to show up on time, it's all under your control, and if you want to leave early because you are tired or stay late because you are having a blast, no need to compromise with anyone else. 5. Zero external guilt- if you ate too much, drank too much, had a random hookup or need to nurse a bad hangover the next day, there's no one there the next day to give you any crap. People will talk to you if you show up somewhere stag, and if they don't initiate, you can use the opportunity to become more outgoing and approach others. Fact is if you are attractive and engaging, there will be plenty of options that will present themselves. So get over whatever hang-up you have about going stag, and go have some fun, where the only limits are those you impose on yourself! By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
Thank You for Being an A-hole
In life, they say it's all about your attitude, and never is this more true than when you are recovering from a break-up. Some people can walk around dejected for weeks, while others jump right back into dating in an attempt to skip the whole grieving process. Neither extreme is a good idea, but I realize a lot also depends on how the relationship unraveled. If you saw the end coming for some time, and you've been grieving the loss in the weeks/months leading up to the final moment, then heck I totally get why you are ready to just get back out there, whereas if you didn't see it coming and you are in shock that the relationship ended abruptly, it's going to take a while longer for you to get out there because you are going to torture yourself for weeks trying to figure out what went wrong. Just try not to over-analyze and wind up in "analysis paralysis." Some of my clients (and friends) tend to dwell on bad break-ups, and here's my thought on that: DO NOT allow someone to make you a victim. You need to see yourself as a survivor, and if that person was cruel-- that is his/her issue, not yours. There are some real FUBARs out there. Chalk it all up to a life lesson, but don't let them continue to torment you after it is all over. Put it behind you and think to yourself, "thank you for being an a-hole." The reason I say that is because when someone is a true jerk, you know that you will never ever want to go back, and you will never regret that it ended. You will never leave that door open-- you will have no issue putting that final nail in their coffin and burying it 6 feet under. At the end of the day, when you are done grieving your break up, I want you to get back out there with your head held high. When you go into the dating scene again, you need to be able to negotiate your terms from a position of strength, never from a position of weakness. You don't want to be easy pickings, and you should never come across as desperate. Go in strong, and you'll be just fine. If you find yourself lacking in self-confidence, then ask yourself these questions: 1) Am I just as pretty, smart and kind as when [...]
How Can We Prevent Teen Pregnancy? Honest Discussions.
Last month, I had the honor of interviewing Brenda Miller, who founded the DC Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy. This organization cut the pregnancy rate in DC by over 50% since it first started, and their new goal is to do the same again. How do they do this? By actually encouraging parents to have honest discussions with their kids. When I grew up, in my house we did NOT talk about sex. Everything I learned about this taboo subject was either in school in health class aka "sex ed" or through friends. Now as a parent, I can tell you there is no way I want my child to think he can't talk about this subject with me, and I'm not stupid enough to say "just say no" until you are married-- seriously I only know one person that did that, and that was before the explosion of the information age, where anyone one of us can get sex in a nano second. It's more than just a one-time talk about the birds & the bees. It's about opening up the lines of communication so you can have on-going discussions about the importance of having a life plan-- goals for education, a family, and a career. Also, we have to talk to kids about healthy relationships-- there are A LOT of sickos out there, and our kids need to know what is unacceptable behavior. Through honest discussions- that is how we will not only prevent teen pregnancy, but make sure that our children know what a loving relationship should look like, and what it doesn't look like. If you love your child, don't ignore having "the talk." To learn more about DC Campaign check out: www.dccampaign.org Here is the link to our interview: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B47VR_o8BHM
Are You Trying to Figure Out Why Someone is Unavailable?
Stop torturing yourself-- who knows why someone is not emotionally available? It's not your problem to fix. Natalie Lue, who is the author of "Mr. Unavailable & the Fallback Girl" sums it all up so perfectly in this video. Gosh, I wish I'd seen this video 8 years ago! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pGTv4yPaLaY&feature=player_embedded
Washingtonian Honors Top DC Lawyers
So honored to attend tonight's Washingtonian reception for the top DC lawyers of 2013! Less than 1,000 of the 80,000 attorneys in our area made the list. Thanks so much to all those that helped make this happen. For those that want the link to last month's article, here it is: http://www.washingtonian.com/articles/people/2013-2014-top-lawyers-divorce-and-family-law/index.php
Becoming the Booty Call
Have you gone out with someone and then tried to remain friends? When doing so, have you found yourself blurring the lines? Ah yes, you are not alone. It's great if you can remain friends after a break-up, but many cannot, and you just have to do what's right for you. The real question you have to answer is this: how can you move on if you stay stuck in limbo with this person who is essentially acting as a place-holder? Natalie Lue, who is the author of Mr. Unavailable & the Fallback Girl is hilarious, and in addition to her informative blog about dating & relationships, she has a couple of great videos on her website: www.baggagereclaim.com Here she does a great job in this short video of explaining why you should not let your exs put you on the list for a booty call: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-VmaMf5kJls
Don’t Skimp on Your Honeymoon- It Is What You Will Remember!
June weddings will be here before you know it, and soon thereafter couples will be off on their dream honeymoons. Sadly, lots of people have this little problem known as having champagne taste on a beer budget. So before you blow your whole budget on the wedding, which is after all just a one-day event, ask yourself this question: what will you remember? It's been 15 years since I went to Hawaii on my honeymoon, and it remains one of the best vacations I ever took. I still hope to go back one of these days- this time to show my son some of those amazing sights, like when we took a helicopter tour over an active volcano or walked along the black sand beach created with the lava. This world is full of beautiful places, and there are many great experts that can help you figure out the perfect destination for you to spend your honeymoon. Honeymoon Islands, which is based in Virginia, has specialized in this for over 25 years. Here's the segment we did with them on planning a honeymoon: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tHbhq7TqzZc By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.