Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
Top 5 Common Parenting Mistakes
Being a parent in today's world is not easy, especially when there is so much uncertainty in life. And yet, I've found that the greatest reward for me has been working with kids, both in my divorce cases and at home with my son. These children are filled with such promise, and they've given me a great purpose in life. They force us to focus on what our true values are, as we really have to think hard about the lessons we want to impart on them, for ultimately they will be our true legacy. Now of course each child has his/her own little personality, and so what works with one won't necessarily work with another. Since they don't come with manuals, a lot of parenting is really trial and error, so relax none of us are going to be perfect 100% of the time. But there are some big mistakes that I've repeatedly seen parents make that we should all try to avoid. Here's my list of top 5: 1. Avoid being overly protective (aka the "helicopter parent,") who is always hovering over them. Of course as parents it is our job to protect our kids, but we also need to let them learn some things on their own. You don't want to create such an unhealthy level of dependency that they will never be able to spread their own wings. 2. Don't create the bubble child. Parents sometimes want to shield kids from the harsh realities of life, but the fact is there are some bad people in this world & bad things happen every day. Setbacks and disappointments are a normal part of life, and they need to learn to cope with these things sooner rather than later. We cannot always protect them or save them from their mistakes, and if the goal is to prepare a young adult to be a productive member of our society, then we need to let them see the real world- both in its glory and at its worst. 3. Just Don't Do It. That cannot be all you say about drugs or sex. I grew up in a home where these things were not discussed, and it led to a lot of secrecy. I learned to do my own research & confide in friends instead of family. With my own son, I've decided to do things differently by opening up the lines of communication, so there are no taboo subjects. As things come [...]
Top 10 Things to Ask Before You Say “I Do”…
The last 15 years as a matrimonial attorney, I've really enjoyed working with couples on their prenuptial agreements, which now works out to be almost 30% of my consults. Yet I realize many continue to see this as unappealing or perhaps unromantic, so I'm willing to cut you some slack, especially if you are young and lacking in assets, but at least have some money talks before you tie the knot and make sure you are on the same page with respect to finances. Here are my top 10 questions to ask: 1. What is your credit score? 2. What are your outstanding debts? 3. What is your annual income? 4. What do you enjoy spending money on? 5. What are your current assets? 6. What do you envision as shared household expenses, and how will we pay those? 7. What do you envision as separate expenses, and how will we pay those? 8. How many kids do you want- and how will we pay for their upbringing? 9. What assets do you want to create together during the marriage? 10. How important is it for you to save for an emergency fund, retirement, kids' college? Before you legally and financially bind yourself to another person, you have to know the answers to all these questions. How can you plan for a future when you don't know what you are starting with today? If compromises need to be made, better to know now versus later, after you've said "I do." No one in life starts playing a game and starts asking about the ground rules half way through it-- we all need to establish agreed-upon rules before entering into anything, and this is especially true in married life. If you want marital bliss, get the money talks over before you walk down that aisle, and if you really want to be sure about the ground rules, get it down on paper by investing in that prenup! By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
Are We Asking for Too Much?
Guys seem to clearly be at a loss with women these days, and the fact is we've changed the game at warped speed, so you can't blame them for being a bit confused. Ever since World War II when the guys went off to war, and women in the U.S. got their first real opportunity to prove their worth working outside the home, we have slowly but surely destroyed the old notion of gender roles and annihilated the "traditional marriage" as a real model to aspire to in this lifetime. So where does that leave us today? Well, I think we really have to analyze what we want in a partnership, and once we form that union, we have to be okay with the pact we've made. According to the authors of "The Good Marriage," there are 4 typical marriage structures: (1) The traditional marriage- where the husband is the breadwinner and wife takes care of the home and kids; (2) Love at first sight- where this couple truly believes their meeting was some magical occurrence created by fate, and this is the glue that binds them; (3) The savior role- where one party comes to the rescue of the other, and they both continue to enjoy this dynamic where one is the other's caretaker; (4) The marriage of equals- these are typically friends, with similar educational backgrounds that fall in love overtime, and they continue to believe in an equal division of tasks and responsibilities for everything. Well, over the last 15 years as a divorce lawyer, I've seen all 4 of these marriage types fall apart, and here is why: (1) In the traditional marriage, there is simply too much pressure placed on the man to provide, and meanwhile the parties leading two completely different lives will force them to drift apart. Resentment kicks in for both if they don't value the other's contributions, and eventually one or the other is highly likely to "step out" to seek fulfillment elsewhere. (2) With love at first sight, too many people have gotten burned in the past by falling for someone way too fast. Thankfully, with the rise of the internet and people routinely getting busted for falsifying information, few are willing to put their guards down so quickly, and meanwhile it's been drilled into us that there are plenty of fish in the sea. (3) It gets really old to always have to save someone. We all need help every now and [...]
There’s No Need for Risky Business.
Are you a divorced parent over the age of 40 and dating? Welcome to the party-- with the right attitude, you will have a blast because now (1) pressure is off to get married; (2) no need to have more kids; and (3) hopefully you are at a point in your career and with your finances, that you can enjoy a little bit more in life. So here's the deal, don't play Russian Roulette out there and risk wrecking everything. Thanks to modern medicine, there's a lot we can do to minimize our risks while still having fun-- however, unless you exchange STD test results with someone you cannot be sure that they are "clean." Some people may not even know they are carriers, and sadly not all viruses can be cured, such as HIV or HSV (herpes). To prevent pregnancies, not only can guys have a quick laproscopic vasectomy, but now women can also have their tubes blocked in an out-patient procedure that takes less than 1 hour. Many might have this covered through insurance, and if not, my understanding is that these options cost less than $3,000. Obviously you need to check with your own medical provider and insurance carrier for full details, but I see these sterilization options as a fantastic solution for both men and women out there dating, who don't want to destabilize some key parts of their lives. The truth is that as much as I love kids, I am astounded by how much they cost to raise, with some studies suggesting the national average is over $100,000 in the first 16 years-- and I would easily double that figure for those in the DC Area. This of course presumes you are not paying $25,000 or more for year for those private schools in town. Seriously, just do the math and you'll soon see that really it takes a fortune to raise a child, and the financial picture is even grimmer if you are maintaining 2 separate homes and perhaps paying as much as 1/3 of your income in child support. Birth control is not fool-proof, and accidents can happen, so why take any chances? If you are over 40 and 100% sure that you want to close that baby factory, talk to your doctor-- and your friends. An overwhelming number of people I know have been "fixed," and they will very openly and honestly tell you about the process, including the quick recovery time. As [...]
5 Key Points to Consider in a Divorce
Divorce Corp. hits theaters this weekend, and according to how they depict the problem in the trailers and on CNN, it seems they are trying to blame the attorneys and suggest that the legal system is somehow being unjust. To set the record straight, putting all emotions aside for a moment, in the legal world there are really four key issues that need to be addressed in a divorce: 1. Custody- (1) What schedule will you follow for sharing the kids? (2) How will you make major decisions about their welfare-- education, medical care, etc.? 2. Child Support- How will you both contribute towards the children's expenses? Thankfully, there are guidelines that each state follows, and most are available online. Generally, the formulas take into account (1) the income of each party; (2) the health insurance cost for the child; (3) work-related daycare/aftercare expenses; and (4) the time-sharing arrangement. This should be straight-forward, except when someone is self-employed or under-employed-- that is when things can get murky. 3. Alimony- If someone needs support, and the other has a demonstrated ability to pay, then there really are just 2 questions we need to answer: (1) what is the amount needed and (2) for how long? Some states have guidelines that they use for alimony calculations, others may want to refer to the formula proposed by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (www.aaml.org). 4. Property Division- How are you going to split up the assets (and debt) accumulated during the marriage? Of course, the more you want to fight about these issues, the more it's going to cost. After you consult an attorney regarding your rights and obligations, you normally have 3 choices: Mediation, Litigation or Collaboration. In all three processes, the goal is the same-- to address the 4 main legal issues stated above and get you divorced. The average length of time ranges from 6 months to 2 years, and if you do wind up with a trial here's a sobering fact: the national average is about $20,000 per side in legal fees. This brings me to Key Point #5: how are you going to pay for the divorce? 68% of American households lack a real emergency fund, and the average family is carrying about $15,000 of credit card debt, meanwhile the average household income in the DC Area is about $88,000. Simple math shows you that there is no way the average divorce costs $50,000 as suggested by Dr. Drew on CNN-- now perhaps [...]
Watch Out for the Seven Deadly Sins
Some days, I feel more like a priest than a lawyer, as people step into my office and confess all their sins, or those committed by their partners. Of course, unlike a priest, I cannot absolve them of all these acts, which have turned their home into a House of Horrors. All I can do is help them plan an escape. The tell-tales signs that it is time to go are always the same: (1) a loss of respect and (2) lack of trust. Without these 2 pillars, love will come crashing down like a house of cards. Interestingly enough, the actions that lead to the demise of a marriage are always the same, and can easily be summed up as the 7 Deadly Sins, which Pope Gregory the Great identified as follows: 1. Pride 2. Envy 3. Anger 4. Sloth 5. Greed 6. Gluttony 7. Lust You don't have to be a Christian to appreciate how these sins (defined by the Pope as offenses against love) would poison any positive feelings you may have once felt towards another human being. The Pope actually ranked them in terms of severity (with #1 being the worst), and the rank correlates with the degree of fixation an individual exhibits with him/herself and a corresponding decrease in concern for others. In today's vocabulary we would say the more narcissistic someone is, the less likely they will be to maintain a loving relationship, and that is in fact proving to be the case with the divorces I see every day. While I firmly believe that most people are not totally self-absorbed or corrupt, it does seem that as we climb up that socio-economic ladder and amass power, we face increasing temptations. These days, it is very easy to become focused on your individual goals and lose sight of the world around you-- especially for those keen on joining the ranks of the top One Percent. (For those interested in a glimpse of that world, and how it is no picnic, I highly recommend the documentary by J. Johnson "One Percent.") Staying on top can become an obsession, and it is easy to see how the higher you climb, the greater the fear of falling. Coping with stress is a skill that must be practiced daily, and unfortunately most go for the quick fix of numbing the pain with drugs and alcohol or other reckless acts. They don't see this as a path to self-destruction. Little did I know [...]
Talking to Kids About Drugs & Violence
In the last few weeks, there have been some interesting discussions in my home as a result of the news, thank you Justin Bieber & Co. Here's a glimpse of our Q&A: Q: Why do people do drugs? Answer: To numb the pain. Q: Why would a star feel pain? Answer: There's immense pressure to stay on top. Q: Why is there so much violence? Answer: Because people are angry. Q: Why are so many people angry? Answer: In my opinion, because of the increasingly outrageous disparity between the rich and poor. Over the last 30 years, while we've undoubtedly seen the standard of living of the poor improve, the fact is the middle class is struggling to recover from all the hits we took in the Great Recession, meanwhile the rich have never had a more concentrated level of wealth like this since the Great Depression. Seriously, according to a recent article in the Atlantic, the 85 wealthiest families have as much wealth as the poorest 3 Billion combined. Hopefully, I am not the only one that wanted to throw up after reading that article. While the media tries to "search for answers," I think parents need to step up and help our kids face some harsh realities. We have to accept that thanks to modern technology, in a post 9/11 world, our kids simply will not grow up as naively as we did. Schools are no longer immune to danger, and without teaching our kids to discipline their emotions, tempers will continue to flair, precisely because the disparity of people's lifestyles has never been more apparent, and the extravagant decadence of the top 1% can be infuriating to those that feel disenfranchised and/or have lost hope in the American dream. I'm getting off my soapbox now, and leave you with this interview I did recently with a local mental health expert, Steven Stein, who shared some tips with parents about understanding a child's emotional thermometer, and how we can talk to kids about violence: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pGE7XlkqKwY
Think Like a Man, But Act Like a Lady
Generally speaking, guys think women are super complicated and very emotional. Generally speaking, I happen to agree with them, although there are always some exceptions. So, every day I have to teach people to stop telling me about their feelings and stick to the facts. It's not that I don't care about feelings, it's just that in the legal world we see that emotions cloud judgment, and we are bound to uphold an objective standard of fairness, not one person's opinion of what is right or wrong. In litigation, which is a field dominated by men (or women who think like men), we care about evidence and facts. If you are going to accuse someone of anything- what do you have to support your position? In settlement talks, we focus on solving the present issue, not re-hashing the past. In court, where it is a battle of wits, the winner is not the one who shouts the loudest, but rather the one who can articulate his/her points most eloquently. Outside the courtroom, I've found the same principles apply-- if I present my case in a calm, logical manner, guys will listen. With men, the delivery of your message matters A LOT. -If you make a request (not a demand) they will want to help because they enjoy being Mr. Fix It. -If you seek their input (and don't try impose your opinion) they will share their thoughts on a variety of issues. -If you explain why you might be upset (instead of just acting out like a 3 year old) they will apologize and try to make things better. Meanwhile, if you come across as some demanding nag, shrew or volatile bitch, it is game over. They will just shut down, and although you may think you've won the battle, you don't see that you are losing the war because inside, they are retreating. Your emotions are repelling them, and with each emotional outburst, you are pushing them farther and farther away. I whole-heartedly admit that I'm siding with the guys here-- women (and some incredibly emotional men) need to discipline their emotions. Try to picture yourself like Jackie O or Grace Kelly, and act accordingly, no matter how trying the situation may be. Here is why: for those of us that are genetically pre-disposed to be hunters, we focus most of our attention on making sure there is food and shelter, and after that, we just want to have some fun. [...]
Stop the Madness- Learn to Disengage
A few years ago, I went to a wonderful seminar by Bill Eddy, who is the founder of the High Conflict Institute and author of many insightful books on how to deal with high conflict personalities (HCPs"). What I love most about my work as a divorce lawyer is watching someone transform into a butterfly as they find freedom and learn to fly on their own with their new wings. Unfortunately, many will falter for a while because they are unable to disengage with their spouse, who may well be an HCP. And so it is no secret that the worst part of my job is dealing with these HCPs, which are defined as people with (often undiagnosed) personality disorders that cannot simply be cured by popping some happy pills. Here are the 4 to watch out for, as I would describe them (remember I'm not a LCSW): 1. Narcissists- totally self absorbed, can't empathize at all with others; 2. Borderlines- severe attachment issues; 3. Anti-socials- truly can't distinguish between right and wrong; and 4. Histrionics- addicted to drama. Honestly, I knew nothing about HCPs when I graduated law school, and it wasn't until I started seeing some CRAZY behavior that I started researching more about psychology (which sadly is not a required course in law school.) Turns out, according to an NIH study about 20% of our population consists of HCPs, and I would like to proffer that in the DC Area we seem to have a much more concentrated level of them! Over time, thanks to people like Bill Eddy, I learned to cope with the HCPS both in and out of court, not out of natural curiosity, but truly out of necessity. Studies sadly prove that an overwhelming number of our "high conflict cases" involve these HCPs, which means you can't be a litigator and avoid these individuals. At least once the trial is over, I can close the file and walk away from the whole mess, but for those with kids now getting divorced from an HCP, this will be a life-long battle to create boundaries and disengage. Here are 10 key points I'd share with them: 1. Not every email/call/text requires a response. 2. You don't have to respond to every accusation or insult. 3. No is a sufficient answer. You don't always have to explain yourself. 4. Take deep breaths, go for a walk and clear your mind before engaging. 5. [...]
Every Rose Does Have Its Thorn
No, I'm not a huge Poison fan, never was, but I do remember when the song "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" came out, and that line has always stuck with me because it is just so true. Everyone to me is like a rose in the beginning-- especially on a first date, when we are all on our best behavior. But here is what I always know-- sooner or later, no matter how beautiful that rose may be, you will hit a thorn. The key to understanding why this happens is that we all have a vulnerable side, and usually it's when you hit that spot that you see someone become like a porcupine-- that prickliness is his/her protective mechanism. Now, I'm not suggesting you jump in the sack with every porcupine you encounter, but what I am proposing is cutting each other a little slack in the beginning. If someone says or does something that makes you pause, try to either ask what that is about or file the incident away for review at a later date. When you are dating, your mission is to gather information, and it's critical not to pass judgment too quickly until you have enough data. Of course, this assumes you've found an intellectual connection and some chemistry, because if you don't have that it is just game over, no need to waste anyone's time (or money.) Visuals often help, so in dating here is an easy one to remember: picture a child plucking at the petals of a rose, except rather than asking yourself whether that person loves you or loves you not, what you need to ask is whether you love them as you learn more about their inner being. The fact is the real thorns are never easily visible, they are hidden deep inside and surface slowly. The final point I want to make is that we all have past wounds, and some people will remain scarred by these injuries for life, while others will use the experiences to just grow stronger and take no prisoners going forward. With those that have been deeply wounded, they may simply no longer have the capacity to let anyone in. This is not about you, it is about their own issues. Life is all about choices, and we each get free will to define our own existence. So, if someone has made the choice to allow their own spirit to break, it is [...]