Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
Watch Out for those Ultimatums
It seems so funny to me when people use threats and say things like "take it or leave it." Really? Well, with an attitude like that, I'm most likely going to leave it-- and if we have a case together, then the fun will really begin when you get to see me in court act like Uma Thurman in Kill Bill. Litigators are a modern day version of gladiators, and the court room is our arena. We know the rules, and we know exactly how far we can go to accomplish the outcome we seek. Mercy is rarely in our vocabulary, and the annihilation of someone's character is indeed a sport. We were gamers from an early age, and our minds were trained to identify weaknesses and strengths at warped speed. Our tongues are sharp, and the weapons we wield have slain many unwitting challengers. Are you getting a good picture of what it's like to be in court? I hope so. Now after many years of witnessing scores of blood baths, some of us can grow weary of the pointless battles. The enlightened warriors start to pick their battles more carefully, and some of us branch out into other fields of study to find perhaps more peaceful alternatives to resolving conflict. All my colleagues in the medical and mental health fields have taught me over the last 7 years to become a more peaceful warrior, and I truly have come to enjoy that, but those who for a second think that the feisty fighter in me has died are profoundly mistaken. Honestly, the main reasons I have spent the last several years lecturing about alternative methods of dispute resolution are: (1) I want to help my younger colleagues understand that going to battle every day is not necessary, and in fact it's healthier for us and our clients to try and avoid court; and (2) the public needs to know that court is not just costly, but it is a very unpredictable place to be, and a lot depends on your opponent and their war chest. To me, it is simply an issue of being more informed and making smart choices, and obviously the media attention proves there is an increasing demand for options that are not just cheaper, but healthier for our society as a whole. Sadly, I admit that I still haven't found that magic wand where everyone will want to play nice and keep things amicable. So, as much as I will continue to [...]
4 Key Tips for Those Parting Ways
It is well known that under stress your brain is not thinking clearly, in fact psychologists refer to this as a fused brain. The connections simply are not working properly-- literally, which definitely helps explain A LOT of what I've witnessed over the past decade in my divorce cases. Thanks to my friends and colleagues in the medical field, I've come a long way in understanding my clients, so now whenever I find myself saying, "what were you thinking?" I stop and remind myself, they really are not in the right state of mind. If you are in the process of separating and feel like you are losing control of yourself, don't worry, there are some things you can do to calm yourself down quickly, including taking deep breaths, going for a short walk, and coming up with 3 short safety phrases that will help soothe you. The more you practice doing this, the easier it will be for you to exert self-control. Over time, you may even learn to laugh at the absurdities that will undoubtedly continue to occur, but the key is you need to give it all some time. Because your brain is not operating at 100% you may want to rely on to-do lists, this way you won't forget important tasks and you can make sure you stay focused on top priorities. These lists will continue to evolve, but there are 3 key points that lots of people brush aside when they shouldn't-- so here they are: 1. Contact Your Financial Institutions. If you are on joint bank accounts, technically you have equal access to those funds, and so you may look into freezing assets or discuss with your lawyer the option of withdrawing certain amounts so that you alone control your own money. Same goes with joint credit cards- do you really want that other person racking up debt that you will be liable for? 2. Update your will and medical directive. Do you really want your estranged spouse to inherit anything or be in the position of pulling the plug for you if you are incapacitated? Find someone you trust to be an emergency contact and update your information with your medical providers asap. 3. Get New Beneficiary Forms- Insurance companies and retirement plans all have named beneficiary forms that need to be reviewed and kept current. Again, do you really want your soon to be ex to benefit from your death? I think not, although some plans may require joint [...]
Use Your Time & Energy Wisely
Aside from money, there are 2 things people always claim to have in short supply: time and energy. Over time, I've learned to guard these as truly precious commodities, even more so than money. Why? Because you can always make more money, but you can't gain back time you've lost or energy that's been wasted. This mindset should apply to all areas of life-- at work, at home and with the company you choose to keep. Over the last few years, I've been very fortunate professionally to get to the point where I can pick the projects that I want to work on, and those are the ones that I find worthy of my time and energy. Similarly at home, I have carved out huge chunks of time that I want to dedicate to my family because I know these years are precious. The fact is time is not on our side with respect to our loved ones. Those of us that are GenX are facing 2 stark realities: (1) our parents are getting up there in age and (2) our kids will soon be teenagers, who will want to spend more time with their friends, and less time with us, especially once they head off to college. One of my strategies in life that has always served me well is to look forward into the future and then work backwards to plot out the path most likely to help me achieve my goals. At this juncture, after accepting all the inevitable realities that lie ahead in the next decade, I have made some very conscious choices: (1) make the most of my time with those that I love while I still can and (2) cut out all the negativity that tries to seep into my life. What I've found is that the stronger I remain in my resolve to guard my time and energy, the more I'm able to stick to these very simple goals. In the end, those of us that are GenXers have at least another 20 years of work ahead of us, and when our final day comes, no one will remember us for the number of hours we have billed, and few if any will know or care about the financial wealth we amassed, but it is our loved ones, those we touched in our lifetime by giving them our time and energy, that will be our legacy. Unfortunately, most do not realize this until it is too late. Here's hoping you will find a way to [...]
What Should You Expect in a Divorce Consult?
It seems a lot of people are unclear about the process for setting up a consult with an attorney. From the attorney's point of view, let me just tell you that I can learn a lot in just a few seconds based on how that first phone call is conducted. Anyone who just assumes that I can talk to them on the spot or will give them free advice over the phone is not the right client for me. Those that respect boundaries and the profession understand that you need to set up a time to talk, and you should ask what the consult fee is in advance because there is quite a range, and it is your job as a client to know what you can or cannot afford. Often times, the only thing people want is one hour of my time to hear the facts of their case, and then give them an overview of the law and legal process. Any good attorney should be able to do this within one hour-- highlight the main legal issues you need to address and explain how the legal system works. These consults should be empowering because knowledge is power-- you should leave knowing exactly what your rights and obligations are in the event of a divorce. Then, you can plan your next move. There are 3 key fee arrangements people need to understand: 1. Free consults- These are not the norm for family law cases, unlike in other areas of law, where it might be unclear whether you have a good case, for example with a bankruptcy, personal injury, employment issues or immigration. The attorneys that handle these types of matters will usually offer a free consult precisely because it is unclear if they will be able to help you until they talk to you a bit more about your situation. However, free consults are actually rare in the legal world, where the average range for a consult is from $200-600, depending on the attorney's hourly rate. 2. Flat fees- In family law, this only applies when we know there is a certain number of hours it will take to do a specific task, for example drafting a Prenuptial Agreement or a Separation Agreement, or drafting the court documents for an uncontested divorce. The preparation of these documents is something that can be easily predicted and quantified, however, if you have a contested divorce, there is no real way to [...]
Some Key Pointers with Online Dating
Many wonder how I've become an expert at playing 20 questions-- the answer should be obvious: every day for the last 15 years, I've talked to complete strangers about their marriages and then guided them through the divorce process. It is my job to get as much background information as possible, assess the present situation, and then help my clients develop a plan for the future they envision. My clients come from all walks of life, divorce does not discriminate in terms of socio-economic class or ethnicity. So, thanks to all my clients, I truly have learned to talk to just about anyone and understand people from diverse backgrounds. After my own divorce a few years ago, it's really no surprise that some of games we play in the dating world came quite easily to me-- but I'll admit that even after all this time, I've never fully embraced online dating. However, I do recognize that 1 in 5 couples meet this way, and so for those of you brave enough to take on this endeavor, here are a few tips: 1. Pictures Matter- We are all visual creatures, although they say guys are much more so than women. Well if that is the case, I truly don't understand what some guys are thinking with the pictures they post. Seriously- can't you find someone, anyone to take a good picture with your shirt on? No need to put on a tux or get a professional photographer, but don't underestimate the importance of taking a nice head shot with you smiling. 2. Proof Read Your Bios- I stop reading after 2 typos, or if it looks like you've written a dissertation. Now maybe others are not so harsh, but honestly put a little effort into describing who you are and what you seek, without over-sharing. There are some basic stats we are all screening for and you should be honest with data-- especially about your relationship status, age, job, and position with respect to kids. If you want kids, or don't want kids, that is totally your prerogative, and if you have 3 kids full-time, or are enjoying your life as an empty nester, just put it out there so no one wastes any time. 3. Geography is Key- While some guys seem to really be okay traveling quite the distance for a POA, most girls are not. I am making a huge generalization here, and so of course I realize some will take issue with this statement, but the point I want to [...]
Shifting Down as Co-Parents is Never Easy
Not all break-ups are bad, some are actually quite civil and mutual. The same is true with divorces, but the tricky thing is that if you have kids, you can't just walk away and cease having any further contact. In fact for the rest of your lives, you will have to stay in contact, and you have to do your best to keep things amicable for the sake of the children. The problem a lot of my divorce clients face is accepting that they have lost their ranking in the other person's life, and that's because it isn't easy to shift down in a relationship, but it can be done. Here are 4 simple tips: 1. New Rules of Communication- One of the main reasons a relationship fails is because the couple failed to communicate effectively, and many developed some really bad habits in the end. Well, your new roles require new rules. Here are 4 simple ones: 1) no name calling; 2) no blame games-- don't re-hash the past, focus on the future; 3) take turns listening to each other's concerns without interruption; and 4) no threats. If someone starts to violate these rules, you hang up or walk away. Eventually if the other person wants to be heard, s/he will learn to play by the new rules. 2. Learn to Enjoy the Quiet- Going from seeing someone every day to maybe just once a week is an adjustment-- even if your interactions were unpleasant, overtime you'd gotten used to daily exchanges with another human being, and it is going to take some time to get used to days where there is pure, blissful silence. The sooner you come to enjoy your peace and quiet, the sooner you will find yourself at peace with your new situation. 3. Stop Engaging Every Day- There is no need to email, call or text your estranged spouse every day. In fact, the goal should be to only communicate when necessary about the kids. If you can get this down to once a week, that is fantastic. Even if the other person tries to engage you every day, you just need to set your limit and only respond once a week. If you stay the course, the other person should eventually learn to respect your new boundaries. 4. Find Something to Fill the Void- You are definitely going to miss having someone (especially your kids) in your daily life, and it may take a while before you [...]
Don’t Ignore the Money Talks
Just as a company without a viable operating budget will not last long, the same I believe is true for couples. In fact, the stats show that over 50% of businesses fail within their first 5 years, and over 50% of marriages fail within their first 7 years-- coincidence? I think not. If you don't have sufficient income to meet your expenses, this is a huge problem, and it will undoubtedly cause a ton of stress in your life. If you are part of a real partnership, there is no need to feel like you have to take this all on yourself. Be honest and communicate your concerns with each other. For your relationship to work, you have to be able to play off each other's strengths and feel like you are a team with each challenge that arises, and money is a huge one for most families. Ignoring difficult money talks and/or borrowing from credit are simply delay tactics, not real solutions. Sadly, every day in my divorce cases I have to re-train people to balance their own budgets and live within their means, and often their problems are compounded by years of accumulating debt without any real financial plan in place. Sometimes, bankruptcy (which is the option of last resort) is really is the only option-- and the more I have witnessed these financial train wrecks in the last few years, the more adamant I've become about trying to change people's mindsets about money, before it is too late. When I'm "off the clock," I try to do my part by teaching my son, and his peers through Junior Achievement, about financial literacy and being fiscally responsible. Hopefully, by learning these key concepts at an early age, they will be more apt to have honest discussions with their life partners about money and maintaining a realistic household budget. As for the grown-ups, I believe it's never too late to start trying to kick some bad habits. Here's a helpful link to my recent interview with Peter Kenny of Merrill Lynch about the importance of financial planning for couples: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WgkWkU-6Rgg By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
Make the Most of Your Own Valentine’s Day
Twenty years ago, a dozen long stemmed roses arrived in my college dorm-- half a dozen white for friendship, half a dozen red for love. That night, my date arrived from New York and took me to Sequoia's for dinner on the Georgetown waterfront. I still have the note that came with those roses, and a picture of what the bouquet looked like when it first arrived, along with many cherished memories of our romance that lasted over a decade. Although our marriage did not last, we have a child that we continue to raise together, and ever since the divorce, I have fortunately had my son each year as my special Valentine. With him, I've learned the importance of just acknowledging the day without going over-board. So, regardless of whether there has been a love interest in my life around Valentine's Day, I have always made sure that we have a special meal, flowers, and of course, chocolates. And once he ceases to want to spend his Valentine's Day with me, which is an imminent reality that I am well aware of, I'm going to continue with this new tradition of treating myself on V-Day because the fact is I've found it to be rather empowering to be able to reward myself on special occasions without relying on anyone else to make my day. Let's be honest, who knows you better than you know yourself? No one. You know what flowers you like, which sweets you prefer, and what your favorite meal is. You know what movie you are really dying to watch or the book you can't wait to read. You know your own style and what outfit is going to make you feel sexy. So, unless you are super clear about what you want, others will always fall somewhat short of your expectations because they cannot get inside your head. As a result, I suggest you give people an A for effort, but if you want to fool-proof a special moment, plan it yourself. Truly, V-Day is what you make of it, along with every other day of the year. Hopefully, we all tell our friends and family how much we love them not just once a year, but on a regular basis. In the meantime, don't set yourself up for disappointment by holding out hope that any one particular person may or may not acknowledge the day the way you want-- do it yourself! Any unexpected gifts should just be [...]
Alcoholism & Its Impact on Families
DC is a very stressful area, and not many have good coping skills for stress, anxiety or depression. Many, who are not from this area, and lack sufficient family support, will self medicate or attempt to numb their pain by abusing alcohol, which is cheap and readily available. Most that I see in my divorce cases, will not get caught because they are able to show up for work, and they drink "responsibly" by not driving and either take cabs, metro, or pass out at home while avoiding any arrests for a DUI. High-functioning alcoholics are everywhere, at every level of our society. Sadly, most refuse to acknowledge that they have a problem, even when their families are begging them to face their addiction issues. By the time I get involved, one spouse has finally hit his/her limit, and is no longer willing to try and see if the addict can work things out. I realize, however, there are those that stay, and if they do, they need to learn to stop being enablers. More importantly, kids-- either in an intact marriage or with parents that are separated must have their own support network and learn to set boundaries with their alcoholic parents, and this is where they can benefit immensely from Alateen (for kids 9-19). There are over 250 Al-Anon sponsored meetings per week in DC for a reason. This is a serious illness that we need to address together. We can learn so much from sharing our stories with one another, and as human beings, we need to know that we are not alone. If any of this rings true with you, please watch this tv segment that I recently aired on MMCTV featuring Al-Anon: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SxV7IVQpgOg By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
Stop Worrying About Rejection- Just Go Out on a Limb
Are you holding back from pursuing something you want? Don't let the fear of rejection stop you from going after your goals. Rejection sucks, I know, but it is not going to kill you, and honestly it's just a normal part of life. No one I have ever met has been immune to the feeling of rejection. Let me repeat NO ONE. I'll give you 3 clear examples we can all relate to: 1. In high school, plenty of us from all walks of life, despite great grades, did not get into our first choice for college. 2. In our job searches, everyone I know has had to go through a series of interviews with various employers, and again despite impeccable credentials, we don't always get our dream job in a nano second, especially in this job market. 3. In the dating world, none of us get the guy or girl we want 100% of the time. Looks, smarts, and a great attitude can all be there and yet a lot has to do with timing. Sometimes, the timing just sucks. The secret to finding the courage to put yourself out there is this: learn not to take things so personally. If you still think I'm full of crap, I'll give you a very personal example that proves my point: 22 years ago, I went in search of my dad after I discovered he was actually alive, contrary to what I'd been led to believe. Unfortunately, when I reached out to him, he was not at a point in his life where he could deal with the situation. Deep down inside, I knew this was not about me, and then for years, I tried to not think about it or talk about it-- until finally in January 2011, I decided enough was enough, and that I needed to give it one more shot to try to make peace with my maker. That journey from 2011 was all captured in this blog, and this week will be the 3-year anniversary of when I reconnected with my dad and discovered my half-brother in London. Since then, we've all made such huge efforts to see each other, share holidays and talk on a regular basis that now it just seems like we've been in each other's lives forever. Over the last few years, this "lost family" has taught me so much about myself and filled my heart with joy. They have given me a sense of belonging that [...]