Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
10 Best & Worst Dating Tips Ever
The best advice I ever got soon after my divorce came from a friend, who point blank told me "dating is a skill, and it is a skill you don't currently possess." Now that may seem harsh, but she was right-- I knew how to be a mom and wife, but I'd been out of the game for over a decade, and her point was it would take a while to get back in the groove. Luckily, I'm a voracious reader and quick learner, so it did not take long to get up to speed on Dating in the 21st century, which I will lecture about next week. Here are some other helpful tips I plan to share: 1. Be prepared to go on 20 bad dates. When I first heard this, I thought WTF? But actually, this is smart to set low expectations, then you can only be pleasantly surprised. The point is to just think of dating as a journey, and don't worry about the final destination. 2. Trust your gut. If something doesn't feel right, don't force yourself to stick with it. Dating should be easy. 3. Know your deal breakers and stick with them. Don't let someone try to negotiate with you to accept something you don't want in your life. 4. Find your own happiness first, then love will eventually find you. First, if you are still angry about the past, you will repel others. Second, in moments of desperation we may try to convince ourselves to make certain compromises, and as we all know it's never good to negotiate from a point of weakness. So get to a good place personally, then you will accept the love you really deserve. 5. Don't take rejection personally. You never know what is going on inside another's head-- whether they are busy with work, still getting over an ex, unable to commit to anything, or simply still processing their own past baggage, so "no" may not have anything to do with you, and all it does mean is that this wasn't meant to be. Now the worst advice I ever got ironically came from someone claiming to be a dating expert, who suggested that I may want to get my intellectual stimulation elsewhere. While I am painfully aware that only about 15% of the U.S. population has a graduate degree, how can anyone possibly expect a professional [...]
The Challenges of Dating after 35
Most of us who grew up after the 60's free love era grew up as part of the "Hook up Culture," which basically assumes that if you have two consenting adults that want to hook up, they will, and then that relationship will last for as long as it remains fun, otherwise one or the other will move on to the next until one day by some stroke of good fortune s/he may find "the one"that inspires him/her to give up the game and settle down. A funny thing happens, however, after 35-- and to be honest I wasn't prepared for some of the challenges of dating once we hit this age. Sure, I knew I'd continue to come across players, who have zero interest in settling down-- ever, or ones who just want something casual because they have just come out of a bad break-up/divorce. The problem, however, is that even if that is all you want, while there may be countless opportunities for booty calls or friends with benefits after 35, sadly not everyone has aged so well or taken care of themselves, so that one of the biggest challenges is not that there's a lack of quantity, but rather a lack of quality people. You've surely heard the term that all the good ones are taken? Well, they are not all taken, but Flannery O'Connor had it right when she said a good man is hard to find... Now, be prepared for a great divide between those that just want to have some fun first, and those that are dating on a mission. Lots of guys complain about girls that are on a tight timeframe because their biological clocks are ticking, and I myself have experienced similar pressures from guys that want out of the game, so it does go both ways. Those that are dating with a purpose have these checklists, and it is no fun to play 20 questions with them because you feel like you are on a job interview. Honestly, that is not the best way to win someone over, but to each his own. If you find yourselves in these two different camps, just live and let live. Out there you will also find lots of people that clearly want to be cared for-- again this applies to both guys and girls, and it applies at all ages. Believe it or not, [...]
The Key to a Woman’s Heart
To me, it seems rather obvious how you win a girl over, and it is equally clear why so many guys fail. Too many men continue to bank on being cute, smart, and decent providers. While this may be a good start, there is one requirement many seem to overlook: you have to prove that you are a decent human being. How do you do that? Hmm, let me count the ways... 1. Trust- Are you a man of your word? Can you be loyal? Do you follow through with your promises? Do your actions match your words? If you say what you mean, and mean what you say, that is how you build trust. Sadly, if you betray someone's trust, I don't see how there is any way to remedy that. 2. Respect- This is not something you can command, it's something you earn over time. Do you exhibit good manners? Are you wise, yet gracious? Have you demonstrated good judgment in your life decisions? Many have lost my respect by showing poor manners, arrogance and/or poor judgment, and the biggest problem with that is once you lose someone's respect, it is nearly impossible to gain it back. 3. Safety- The importance of creating a safe environment cannot be understated. Generally speaking we have to accept that men are physically stronger that women, and as a result we need to feel secure in order to show men our most vulnerable side. Emotionally, women need to feel that they can count on their partners to be supportive, helpful and caring. Aside from avoiding threats and preventing outside chaos from bleeding into the relationship, we need to know that our male partners will follow up on a regular basis and demonstrate concern for our well being. If a guy fails to provide us with that feeling of safety, it's game over. Let's be honest, women in the 20th century had huge social and economic pressures to marry, and back then guys got away with a lot-- just think of JFK as the perfect example. Although today, the median income for a woman remains incredibly low (it's about $37,000 as of 2012) the fact is more and more of us are earning advanced degrees and outperforming our male colleagues, and in the process we have raised the bar considerably as to what we expect from our male partners-- so the way you conduct yourself and the choices you make [...]
Divorce is Like An Amputation– Without Anesthesia
A while back I read that divorce is like an amputation because a part of your life is being cut out, and as I read that I thought to myself, "yeah, except I don't have any anesthesia to help others numb the pain." I also have no idea how long it is going to take each person to heal-- some mend at warped speed, while others may never fully recover from this devastating blow. Very much like a doctor, my clients come to me in pain. They are often anxious, depressed, scared, humiliated and filled with dread. All these feelings are normal, and everyone has one thing in common-- they are terrified of the unknown. At least after our first meeting they have a better sense of the landscape that lies ahead. I teach them about the law, we go over their options, and I give them my best advice on how to proceed given the facts they've presented to me. Once they make a choice on how to move forward, there are a lot of variables that can play out, and unfortunately much will depend on how the other person reacts. Have you heard the song "It Takes Two" by DJ EZ Rock & Rob Base? Well, my favorite lyrics are "it takes two to make a thing go right... it takes two to make it out of sight." Truer words have never been spoken-- and not only does it apply to maintaining a good partnership, it also applies to break-ups. Every day I see people rally for their kids-- they put their own anger or sadness aside to end things peacefully and create a smooth transition for their children. Indeed, this was the case in my own divorce many years ago, and I have no doubt that my clients come to me because they want me to help them replicate a similar situation for them. Litigating for over a decade now, I've seen a lot of blood baths in my time, and I believe it is my duty to find the tourniquet to stop the hemorrhaging as quickly as possible-- not only because I don't want my client to flat line on me, but I actually prefer to avoid being covered in blood. But not all lawyers feel the same way, and many try to sugarcoat the harsh realities of litigation, which I believe is a huge disservice to everyone involved. Divorce is [...]
What Do You Really Want?
Some days, I find myself feeling a bit like a Spice Girl about to break into the song, "Wannabe." Sadly, I cannot sing to save my life, but seriously if I had to pick one line that bears repeating over and over again it is this: tell me what you want, what you really really want. It would be so much easier, both professionally and personally, if people would just be more honest about their goals, but I'm not sure that people are always blatantly dishonest-- instead, I think the problem is that often we may not be fully aware or honest with ourselves about our true capacities or what will make us happy. When you are a bit fuzzy, they say process of elimination is a good tactic to implement, and indeed I have often found that it is much easier to figure out what I don't want versus what I do want. So for example, I can say for sure that I'm not really looking for a booty call, friends with benefit, spouse within the next 18 months, or a romantic partner that wants to keep his options open. I guess that is a good start, but it still doesn't answer the million dollar question I keep getting asked, which is :what do you want? Professionally and personally the last few years I have questioned a lot of preconceived notions, and it turns out a lot of my assumptions were false. I don't actually need to be a partner at a big firm to feel successful, and the big house with a spouse is rather meaningless if it's not full of happiness. I have learned that there is a lot that I really don't need, although 10 years ago I felt completely differently. The person I was a decade ago is long dead, and to be honest I am still learning a lot about this new and improved version that has risen from those ashes. If any of this resonates with you, which it might if you've just recovered from a divorce or other traumatic/life-altering event, cut yourself some slack. It is okay to question everything, and to test out your true limits. You need to explore your options without the blinders that you once had on as you were sleep walking through life. I say take your time figuring out what will make you truly happy, and remember that you alone get to define your own happiness. My version of happiness maybe very different from yours, and that is [...]
2 Key Travel Tips for Single Parents
Spring is almost here, and summer is finally right around the corner. Now while most parents are busy making sure the kids have a nice home with all the basic necessities, great schools and fun summer camp plans, way too often they either overlook the importance of their own travel plans or they avoid trips with the kids because they think it's just too complicated. This is a big mistake. My two key points for single parents are: (1) with little kids, keep it simple and just have a good time; and (2) make some fun trip plans just for yourself, you not only deserve a break, you need it to maintain your own sanity! My son was only 2 when I got divorced, and so to avoid a lot of complications, over the last 8 years I mainly traveled with him to destinations that were no more than 4 hours away either by plane, train or car. Wherever we went, I tried to either meet up with friends or family for at least part of the trip so that it would not be so lonely-- but I have to warn you that whenever you go to a family-friendly destination like Disney or the beach, there will inevitably be a little bit of a sting when you see yourself surrounded by intact families. Don't try to ignore the sting, just acknowledge that there is a loss as a result of your separation/divorce, but don't dwell on it. Whatever sadness you may feel won't last long if instead you stay present and focus on having fun with your kids. When you are on vacation with your kids, let your inner child come out and play. Seriously, let some of the house rules slide, and don't be such a party pooper. Think of this as a second chance at childhood. Personally, I've had no problem letting my inner child come out simply because there is so much that I've experienced for the first-time with my son. Together with him over the last decade, I have had the best time, which has not only been good for my soul, but more importantly has allowed me to teach him some important life lessons, including the importance of (1) planning ahead, (2) saving for special trips, and (3) making time to relax and enjoy life. Now seriously, what is the point of studying so much, working so hard, and being so responsible all the time if there isn't some great prize at the end? If [...]
Plan for the Worst, Hope for the Best
If there is one thing we all have drilled into us in law school it is this: plan for the worst, hope for the best. Obviously those of us that finish law school are armed with something extra that non-lawyers lack: the ability to build into legal contracts provisions to minimize the damage in the event things do not work out. It's not that we are hoping there will be any issues, it's just that we've seen (or read about) too many situations that fall apart, and when that happens, we would prefer to reduce the uncertainty of how to handle a bad break-up, either in the business world or in someone's personal life. Most of my law school friends actually went the corporate route, which is far more lucrative than family law. But I have always enjoyed working with individuals on a personal level, and ever since I was a child I craved to understand family dynamics-- how they are formed, how they fall apart, and how we can restructure them. As people have told me their stories throughout the years, I've formed visuals in my head, which I'm able to fast-forward to the end and play out different scenarios-- some with happy endings, some with not so happy endings, then I'm able to work backwards from those and try to find ways to prevent the really bad outcomes. Now, since June weddings are around the corner, and my prenup consults are on the rise, let me just point out 3 things to consider if you are about to tie the knot: 1. How much are you willing to leave open-ended? While I realize that those planning a wedding are not thinking they'll ever be part of the 50% that won't work out, I'm not a fan of those odds. At least when I'm drafting a prenup, I can cap the risk of paying extended and outrageous sums of alimony, remove some of the potential fights over property division, including what do we do with the martial home, and I even ask for mediation or Collaborative meetings prior to having anyone file anything publicly with the courts. Isn't that peace of mind worth considering for far less than what you will spend on flowers for the big day? 2. What happens upon your death? No one really wants to think about death, but we all know that is inevitable, so why not set up estate documents and life insurance policies [...]
Stressed Out? Find Your Serenity Now.
I used to think it was just my job that kept me around stressed out individuals, but alas, maybe it's this city. Everyone in DC seems incredibly burdened with projects, deadlines, a million different commitments and not enough time to do it all. But as an outsider looking into people's lives every day, I cannot avoid asking this simple question: is it all worth it? Seriously, is killing yourself really worth the prize you are being promised? Stress causes disease, plain and simple. When you are not at ease, it will physically impact you. Some signs your psychological stress is wearing on you include: hair loss, migraines, skin disorders, compromised immune systems, heart conditions, stomach problems, panic attacks, ulcers, eating disorders, and oh yes, even cancer. It is not a coincidence that my divorce clients are often also battling serious illnesses, and that is why I encourage them to avoid litigation if possible-- for their own well-being, not just to save them money. The fact is that you can always make more money, but you cannot buy another life. According to a recent Money Magazine article 43% of the working population either want to switch careers or find a new job. Well, I sincerely hope these people work on that goal right away because work consumes a huge part of our lives, and if you don't like what you do during 50% of your waking hours it is inevitable that this will affect you negatively in other areas of your life, especially your relationships with loved ones. Now, a lot of people focus on finding coping mechanisms, some good ones like exercise, some not so good ones like daily drinking, but either way they aren't really getting to the root of the problem. You have to address the source of your stress if you truly want to find peace and live a healthier life, and sometimes that does mean making difficult choices. For example a less stressful job may not pay as much, and you may have to cut back on spending to live within your means, but how can you possibly put a price tag on the freedom you gain by removing all the extra pressures you will leave behind? With respect to those that feel trapped in a bad marriage, often the main concern is that the economics won't justify splitting into two homes. Indeed, during the Great Recession, I did a lot of consults with people who opted to stay in a miserable situation to [...]
March Madness = Good Times
March Madness is finally here, and a good time should be had by all. As a Georgetown alumna this is a particularly fun place to be when the Hoyas are doing well, but seriously all single girls should embrace this season for one main reason: normal, decent guys flock to bars during March Madness to watch the games. The ratios for women are INSANE during tournament season. As men like to say, "it is like shooting fish in a barrel." While enjoying the games and meeting new people, there are 3 key things to keep in mind: 1. Be Curious- Ask about where someone grew up, what they are doing now, and their interests/hobbies. This is truly a great opportunity to just meet people from all walks of life and learn from different perspectives. 2. Stay Positive- Talk about fun things like an interesting activity or recent trip, a good movie you just saw or great book you just read. Keep it light-- the point here is to see whether you can keep each other engaged and entertained. 3. Respect Boundaries- Don't pry too much into someone's past relationships, their family dynamics, or other sensitive subjects in your first encounter. Plenty of time to delve into that after you have built up some trust in one another. You should feel like a kid in a candy store during March Madness season. Make the most of all the game watching opportunities presented to meet people in a natural setting. While I understand that 20% of all relationships now begin online, many are either leery of dating sites, or they suck at the game. This is why you need to find fun activities that normal, well-adjusted singles are into and go have some fun! March Madness= good times, so here's hoping you have a blast. By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
Guys v. Gals- We Are Not In Fact Equal
Those of us that are GenX all grew up under Title IX, so we were raised believing that girls can do anything a guy can do, except maybe write our names in the snow. We all played the same sports, took on the same roles in school, and went off to graduate at the same rate from the institutions of higher learning of our choice. Now, we all get to marry whomever we want, in the event that we choose that lifestyle, and even then we get to control if and when we will create a new family and whether we choose to stay home or not. If you just take a moment to think about this, that is an amazing amount of power that we women have amassed in the last 41 years ever since Title IX went into effect, and it really has upset the apple cart in a lot ways between the way men and women interact. Helping families restructure during a divorce, I have gotten a first-hand view of the clash between the sexes, and it is impossible to ignore how differently the two sexes behave and think, which is why I have delved into a lot of medical research on the differences between men and women. One fascinating read is The Female Brain by Dr. Louann Brizendine, which truly explains a lot about the role our different hormones play in the way our brains function. Perhaps if more people could appreciate these differences early on, we might have a lot less conflict between couples. Speaking from my own personal experience, I spent the first half of my life living only with women. After college, I spent the next 20 years living only with men-- and thanks to my son and former husband, I have been able to observe first-hand how differently men are wired: 1. Talking- Women talk twice as much, and twice as fast as men. In fact, the medical research supports these findings, and emphasizes that women actually have this need for social interaction. Hmm, do you see how this may be an issue with guys, who may actually be wired to prefer some peace and quiet??? 2. Socialization- Men were originally primed to be hunters, which often requires focus and patience. They were not bred to multi-task or build consensus. Even today we reward those hunters that prove to be strong and independent. Meanwhile, until World War II, women primarily stayed home and took care of the kids, interacted [...]