Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
5 Safety Tips for Online Dating
Given that at least 20% of people are now meeting partners online, I feel compelled to share some safety tips based on the many bad experiences I have heard about. While of course there are jerks everywhere, the problem with online dating is that there is very little accountability. When you meet someone online that person is usually not part of your normal circle, e.g. not from your neighborhood, work, the gym, school, or church, his/her reputation isn't really at stake. So for your own safety, try to keep these 5 tips in mind: 1. Meet at a public place, especially the first few times. It's not that bad stuff doesn't happen in front of others, but the chances are less likely that someone will act inappropriately in public. 2. Have an exit plan. Always make sure you have a credit card or enough cash to at least pay for your own drinks & meal, plus a ride home. 3. Create an excuse to bail. Not good at lying? Easy, I will give you a few lines you can practice: you have plans to meet or talk with a friend at a certain time. You have an early morning meeting that you need to prepare for-- or maybe you have a dog that you need to walk. Whatever-- if you are not having fun or don't feel safe, get out. 4. Establish a check-in system. Always tell a buddy where you are going to be if you are meeting an online stranger. This way at least someone knows where you are & hopefully that person is responsible enough to check on you later if you don't send a text saying everything is ok. 5. Do your homework. In this lovely modern age of technology, you can find out a lot about someone online. I am indeed telling you to snoop-- be your own PI (private investigator) and find out as much as you can about this person-- school, education, work. Check out their FB posts and go on LinkedIn to see who you are connected to, and maybe then send your common connections a message and get the 411 on this person. Also, a lot of court records are public, so why not double check that this person claiming to be divorced really is divorced? Pigs are out there-- both male and female-- and in my opinion you have to have [...]
Are You Looking for a Playmate or Soulmate?
After age 35, many seem to no longer believe in the term "soulmate," and indeed I understand how over time-- especially after suffering immense disappointment or loss-- we may find ourselves in the singles scene losing faith in this notion that there may be anyone left out there that will ever connect with us deeply and care about our essence. A kindred spirit is very hard to find, and it requires a lot of patience, something many of us tend to lack these days. But every once in a blue moon, you may run across that rare gem in the dating world that is still looking for something far more meaningful than the rest of the herd. How can you tell? By the questions s/he asks while playing 20 questions. When you are looking for a playmate, in other words someone to just have fun with and pass the time, a typical series of questions will including the following: 1. What's your work schedule like? 2. What do you do for fun? 3. Do you like to travel? 4. What sports do you like? 5. Do you enjoy concerts, museums, plays, movies? 6. Where do you like to hang out? 7. What are your favorite restaurants? 8. Are you done having kids? See how with these 8 questions alone, I am quickly able to decipher (1) if someone has the time and inclination to have fun, (2) whether they are done breeding, and (3) if our interests line up so we can have a good time. Easy-- complete all eight answers correctly within the first date, and you might well have a match for a playmate, assuming of course the chemistry is also there. Now, if you are searching for a deeper connection, the questions will not be so easy. They will take some time and thought in order to get to your core values. More than just sizing up your brain, these inquires are trying to assess your heart's capacity for empathy and compassion. I could give you some of my favorite examples, but I would prefer if you came up with these questions on your own, for even the questions you ask reveal an immense amount about you personally. Truth be told, playing 20 questions is a piece of cake after you get a few practice rounds under your belt the way it is normally played, with [...]
5 Reasons Kids Make Us Better People
Walking with my son the other day, I jokingly told him that I had not signed up for being his minion for such a long stretch, and that in some countries at his age children are the ones who become minions for their parents. Without missing a beat, he quickly decided to point out all the benefits I have derived by having him in my life this past decade. The list could actually be endless, but here are the top 5 reasons I think kids make our lives so much better: 1. The fragility of life- only during my pregnancy did I really become aware of what it is like to be vulnerable, and to not be fully in control of everything. Turns out a "due date" is just a target date, but no one really knows for sure when the baby will actually come, whether you will need a C-section, or if you may have to go on bed rest a few weeks beforehand. Several of my friends have struggled with infertility issues, suffered miscarriages, had still births, and one almost bled to death during her delivery. Together, we have cried many tears privately about these losses, and in those moments truly learned to appreciate just how precious life is. 2. Increased connectivity- once you have a child, it is no longer just about you, and whether you like it or not, you need to ask for help from others-- caregivers, school teachers, doctors, tutors, relatives and friends will all play a vital role in helping you raise your little one. This was for me a very humbling experience, and I am eternally grateful for learning the importance of working together with others. Instead of trying to operate as an autonomous island, through our children we learn to appreciate the beauty of being part of a larger community. 3. True values become clearer- when you actually have to focus on the lessons you want to pass on to your children, your core values become crystal clear. As they hit the age of reason and start to ask interesting questions, you will find yourself doing a lot of soul searching, and whether you want to or not, you will have to face some of your past and then decide whether you want to replicate certain acts or forge a new path through your own ways of parenting. 4. Importance [...]
10 Topics for Discussion in a Dating Contract
I have joked a lot with friends about creating a Dating Contract the last couple of years, but in all seriousness, I am starting to think that before we start dating someone seriously, we may want to agree on some ground rules. Way before you even get to the exclusivity talk and ask for an STD test, I think in today's day of modern technology, we may want to establish some ground rules while playing 20 Questions. Here are my top 10 items to discuss: 1. Any personal information disclosed on dates will be kept strictly confidential; 2. Neither party shall post anything on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or any other social media regarding their dates without the other's approval; 3. Neither party will post any pictures of the other in any social media without the other person's express permission; 4. You will both do your best to be honest and not mislead one another, especially in terms of what you want in the relationship and where you see yourself heading in the future; 5. Details related to a bad-break up will only be discussed with immediate family; 6. Neither one will create any public scenes-- no tears, anger or display of any drama while outside; 7. No drunk driving or engaging in other behavior that risks the life of the other; 8. No threats, disparaging remarks, or engaging in conduct that could create a loss of business or risk someone's employment; 9. Requests for no further contact will be immediately adhered to without need for involvement of attorneys or the authorities; and 10. Immediately upon the termination of the relationship, all personal items will be returned to the other, and any pictures on either party's social media that has the other's image shall be removed, deleted from public view and shall not be shared with anyone else. I encourage you to come up with your own list, and discuss it with your potential partner. If this person cannot abide by some pretty basic rules of civility, that should be a huge red flag. By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
Will You Marry Again?
Being divorced is not a status any of us aspire to in life, and yet 50% of us that walk down the aisle dreaming of a happily ever after will fall into this category. Divorce is an incredibly harsh setback, but thankfully it does not usually define us; rather many see it is an opportunity to grow and refine themselves-- if they can put the anger and/or disappointment behind them. Does this sound too good to be true? Not really if you take a good look around you. There are so many examples of successful people that have picked up the pieces and kept on soaring after a divorce-- not just in Hollywood, but in all professional areas including journalism, business, and politics, such as Maria Shriver, Arianna Huffington, Liz Gilbert, Sheryl Sandberg, Sonia Sotomayor, as well as many of the local experts that I interviewed for my tv show "Making It Last." These, and so many of my past clients that embrace the motto onward and upward have become my heros, and while some have remarried, many have not. The blinders come off after you go through a divorce, and you realize that love does not conquer all. If you spend enough time reflecting on the fragility of our human connections, you come to appreciate that lasting relationships are rare, and they require a lot of hard work. While the stats show that 75% of divorced men and 2/3 of divorced women will remarry, we are also painfully aware of the fact that the chances of divorcing a second time exceed 75%. Why is that? Well, I have 3 theories: (1) too many try to rush into marriage again without taking time to work on themselves; (2) not enough people do their due diligence and set up a proper framework for resolving conflict and dealing with money issues; and (3) blended family dynamics are tough. Make no mistake about it, my mission the last 4 years working with the media has been to de-stigmatized divorce. It is not a dirty word, and if you really want to prevent it, then we need to have more open and honest discussions about the importance of selecting a proper partner and the hard work it takes to maintain a happy marriage as you navigate the various stages of life with all its challenges. Do I think it sucks that my own divorce is part of my claim [...]
4 Reasons Financial Literacy Is So Key
Next month, I will once again be a volunteer teacher for Junior Achievement, which teaches financial literacy to children in grades 3-12. Why? Because hands-down I think this is one of the biggest problems we have in the U.S. that can easily be addressed-- and not only is it important to us as a society, but being financially savvy is the key to success for each and every individual both professionally and personally. First, the choice we make for our career path will play a large part in our life. Many of us are defined by our careers, and there is a direct correlation in terms of how happy you are at work and how happy you are in life. Given that we will spend most of our adult lives working, you better like what you do, and whatever income you derive from that job, you must learn to live within your means. Second, higher education comes at a hefty price. If you are borrowing thousands of dollars to earn a degree, you have to be cognizant of the fact that this debt will follow you for some time, and while I personally believe it was worth incurring $100,000 of debt to attend law school 16 years ago, I am not sure I would say the same now given the state that industry is in today. Digging out of that hole is not easy and while you are paying off that loan you will be limited in your lifestyle-- your ability to borrow for a car, a house, or anything else will all be less because of the mortgage you essentially took out to earn a degree. Third, once you have settled into life a bit and are ready to find a partner, and you cannot ignore the economic realities of this merger. Two people that decide to become a family under one roof are going to have a tremendous impact on one another-- socially, emotionally and financially. If you marry someone with limited education, insufficient income to be self-supporting, and/or poor credit, this is going to add huge stress and create a major power imbalance in the relationship. At first this may not seem to matter much, but believe me that over time I have seen this wear on people, especially when little ones come into the mix further adding to the financial pressures of a household. [...]
Til Death Do You Part– It’s True if You Have Kids
No one I know still believes that because someone says, "I do" at the alter, s/he is really stuck with someone forever, especially if things get ugly. If someone becomes abusive, develops a nasty addiction, or commits adultery, I think we would agree these are all valid grounds for abandoning ship, but sometimes you do just grow apart and without any major incidents two people can simply come to the unfortunate realization that they just aren't right for each other anymore, as seems to be the case between Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin. Either way, there is one little complicating factor that will prevent these couples from making a clean break: kids. If you have a child with someone, whether or not you actually walked down that aisle together, you are going to have a really hard time cutting all ties. Even if someone doesn't want to be involved on a weekly basis, there are major decisions affecting a child's health, education and financial well being that parents are going to have to discuss. Gaining sole legal custody or sole physical custody in the 21st century is rare-- and here is why: (1) most dads I know want to be involved in their children's lives, and (2) the fact is most courts want to support father's rights to be involved because all the data we have collected over the years shows that children thrive when they have two involved parents that they can see on a regular basis and count on for their basic needs. Every week I have to broker deals between parents, and I really do sometimes wonder how these two individuals that now despise each other could have at one point been so in love that they wanted to get busy and have a child together. The reality that I have to help them face is that you don't get to dictate how the other person should parent. We each have a right to parent our kids the way we want (obviously within legal limits) and when you are no longer under the same roof, you cannot micro-manage what goes in another person's household. When you cease to be a team in one house, you don't cease to be a family. My job is to reorganize families, reassign duties and create a time-sharing arrangement that works for everyone involved-- especially the kids. Most families I work with [...]
5 Classic Self-Sabatoging Personalities
We have all encountered individuals in our lives that keep acting in a way that brings them so much misery. I see it every day as a matrimonial attorney, but I also see it a lot in the dating world. Here are 5 classic types that keep behaving in a way that works contrary to their best interest: 1. Narcissists- These people are so focused on themselves, and their own needs and desires, that they cannot possibly take into account anyone else's needs. They want what they want, end of story, and taken to an extreme, they completely lack the ability to empathize with others to the point where they wind up alienating everyone around them. 2. The Overly Anxious- As opposed to someone suffering from situational anxiety, these people are constantly anxious, and uncertainty drives them crazy, so they tend to want to control everything and everyone around them. Of course, that's not how life works, and when these types cross paths with free spirits, that is just not going to end well. Even if you are not a free spirit, you will be able to pick up on the nervous energy that an anxious person gives off, and that is a huge turnoff. 3. Commitment Phobes- For whatever reason these people are incapable of making a long-term commitment to someone, and what is sad is that those that are worthy of being with a loving partner that will commit are not likely to wait around, so instead they will move on to someone else. This abandonment of course just further feeds into the fears of a commitment phobe, and so the vicious cycle will continue. 4. The Cheapskates- These are the ones that are penny wise and pound foolish. They are so focused on saving a buck that they don't see how stingy they may appear to others. This lack of generosity is so offensive that s/he may well put Mr. Scrooge to shame. Here is where karma will do its job of ensuring that these types will reap what they sow, unfortunately they won't see that is because of their own miserly ways that they are missing out on the generosity of others. 5. Passive-Aggressive- Often I believe this is not even conscious, but perhaps these individuals are so afraid of saying "no" and disappointing anyone, that they just agree with someone to their face and [...]
How Do You Get Your Sexy Back?
While preparing for my lecture next week on Relationships in the 21st century, I cannot ignore how many have enjoyed past blogs with tips on dealing with break-ups and getting over a broken heart. I do think this is one human experience that we all share in common, and that is why I am especially grateful to all the amazing singers out there that pour their heart and souls into their love songs, which provide me with so much inspiration. Right now, I admit it's actually Jason Derulo's "Talk Dirty" that has me going, so just imagine that in the background as you read on... Those getting back into the game after a hiatus often wonder how do you make the switch after 35 from the role of mother and wife (or father and husband) to sex object in today's world, and I promise you it can be done, you just have to find the right motivation. Hopefully some of these tips for transitioning back will help you find your mojo: 1. Listen to Music- Why? Because it's soothing, and when you listen to the lyrics out there you won't feel so alone-- we've all loved and lost, it is a part of life. Not only will you feel in good company, but you should soon start to realize there is great power in how these artists often take their greatest source of pain and turn it into something beautiful. Personally, I'm a big fan of rap/hip hop because these modern day poets take truly gritty situations and turn them into lyrics that cut right to the core of our hearts. I bow down to these masters, who have often overcome so much to get to where they are today. 2. Clean Those Closets- If you are going to get back out there, go through your closet and throw out those granny panties or boxers from college. Seriously, you can revamp your wardrobe without going broke, but splurge a little and pick out a few things that will make you feel good. 3. Hit the Gym- This is not just a great way to stay in shape and reduce stress, it's that amazing release of chemicals in our brain that I want you to enjoy. Working out gives you a great natural high, will boost your self-esteem and it's far safer than the artificial crap out there. 4. Find a [...]
Do You Talk to the Dead? Maybe You Should…
I know this may sound crazy, and what does talking to dead people have to do with love? Just hear me out for a second. Part of the problem I keep seeing in today's world, is that everyone keeps comparing themselves to those around them, and while I suppose that is one way to check and see if you are on track, it may not be the best way to measure success for yourself. Until you are happy with yourself, I hate to tell you this but you are going to suck at love. Your partner is not someone you should look to as one that completes you, but rather someone that compliments you. Only when you are totally okay with yourself will you search for someone that is a good companion versus looking for someone out of necessity to some fill some void, and that is why they say that before love can find you, you have to first love yourself. Lots of people struggle to find happiness within themselves, and while there are many different ways we can all go about doing this, today I want to share one of my secret ways to find peace within myself-- I talk to the dead. I have whole conversations with my dead relatives sometimes, and let me explain why... I was named after my great grandmother, who lived on a farm in Ecuador over a century ago. Regina had 9 live children, and a couple of miscarriages, and she died in her 40's. My grandmother then had to leave elementary school to help her father raise her younger siblings, which I believe were 6 total. Let me stop right here and say that there is no way I could have had 9 children, and no way would I have quit school to raise someone else's kids. But these women were not given the same opportunities or choices that I've been afforded in my life. Can you see now where I am heading with this? If my great grandmother and grandmother were still alive today, I have no doubt they would be proud of the woman I have become, but there is also no way they could relate to the life I have created for myself here in our nation's capital. It humbles me each and every day to think of the sacrifices those earlier generations of women in my family made to get me to where [...]