Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
5 Key Signs to Watch Out for in That First Fight
I know this is going to sound weird, but I actually like when that first fight takes place with someone. Why? Because you actually learn a lot based on how someone reacts to conflict. Let's just be realistic here-- we are all going to have arguments with our loved ones-- it may take 6 days or 6 months, but it is bound to happen sooner or later, and when it does, pay attention. How you resolve conflicts is a critical part to making a relationship last. It is completely normal to have disagreements, to want different things at times, and have different points of view. And when something really matters to you, it is okay not be willing to compromise on something. What is NOT okay is having someone regress to being a three-year old having a temper tantrum because s/he is not getting his/her way. What classifies at 3-yr old, unacceptable behavior? Well, for those of you who haven't been around this age-group much recently, let me refresh your memory with my top 5 signs someone lacks the emotional tools to address problems in a positive way: 1. Spewing venom-- when s/he starts cursing, hurling insults, or calls names. This may seem funny at first, but overtime, I promise this will wear on you. 2. Threats- this is easy to spot, if you don't do this, then I won't do that. The point is to force a certain outcome from you. The more hostile the threats, the more you can tell this person has serious anger management issues. 3. Defensive tactics- rather than own up to doing something hurtful, this person will do everything possible to defend his/her position. Saying "I'm sorry" is simply impossible for these individuals. 4. Blame-shifting- somehow, in ways you will never even be able to logically explain, these people make it all your fault. They are never in the wrong, it is always you. At first you may go along with this, but sooner or later you will wake up-- hopefully sooner for your own sake. 5. Black and white thinkers-- these individuals are unable to see the gray in life. One person has to be right, the other must be wrong. They are unable to walk a mile in another person's shoes. Why? Because they lack empathy-- it is either their way or the highway. All of these behaviors are actually quite common [...]
Can Your Brain Override Your Heart?
Love is so complex, and yet at the same time it is actually quite simple. Either you love someone or you don't. While someone may be able to check all the right boxes, and on paper you might appear to make a fantastic couple, at the end of the day after many failed endeavors, I've come to the conclusion that your brain cannot override your heart. While we may make trade-offs in many aspects of our life, it has become clear to me that for those seeking real love, trade-offs won't work. What do I mean by trade-offs? Well, let me be blunt, for those in our 20's and 30's that are interested in getting married and having kids, there are some timeline pressures that drive certain choices. If someone is smart, cute and kind enough that you can see yourself creating a family together, then you may ignore certain things that may be lacking in the package. In my own case, I disregarded the fact that my former husband was not religious, athletic or multi-cultural. While these things mattered immensely to me, at the time they seemed insignificant qualities to look for in a partner, as long as I had the three basics- smart, cute and kind. Overtime, however, I learned that I was wrong and not having certain core values in alignment was our downfall. Over the years, as I have worked with many couples to help them through their divorces, I have seen first-hand how many of us have ignored the early signs that could have warned us things would not work out, and we are all smart people, so how did we let this happen? Because we were driven by certain life goals, and we were willing to make trade-offs. We all had our pros and cons lists, and as long as the good outweighed the bad, we plowed ahead simply hoping for the best, and sometimes not preparing for the worst. Throughout many of the past blogs, I have written extensively about applying business techniques to our mergers with another person, and I whole-heartedly stand by the principal that despite our feelings, we need to logically think through the concept of combining forces with another human being. However, don't get so bogged down in your analysis of all the little parts that you lose sight of the big picture. Much like you would want to [...]
Do You Have Compatible Baggage?
Let's face it, after age 35 we all have some baggage that we carry with us. Our life experiences shape who we are, and there's nothing to be ashamed of-- we've all made mistakes, and as long as we've learned from them and not allowed ourselves to just dwell in the past, then all is good. Now the key is to find someone with compatible baggage. Think of it this way-- if you are about to embark on a journey, do you want a companion with an empty suitcase? That would just be weird-- and I also don't think you want to travel with someone whose suitcase is full of dirty laundry, that is just going to require a lot of extra and unnecessary work for both of you. Indeed, the goal is to find someone who has done his/her laundry, nicely folded his/her clothes, and is now ready for an adventure. Unfortunately, you may find that some people lack certain travel skills-- and I mean that both literally and figuratively. Some people are just home-bodies, or they may not like exploring beyond their limited comfort zone. Some may be afraid of planes, or loathe long car rides, or perhaps they just lack the resources-- time, money, or energy to go on an adventure. These are all harsh realities we must learn to accept and move on. At different stages of life, it's normal that we will want different things, and no one is right or wrong for wanting what s/he thinks is necessary to find happiness. The key, however, is going through your own baggage first so that once you've done your own inventory you can recognize someone that aligns with your vision for the future. It may take a very long while looking for that needle in the haystack-- but I believe it' s worth it in the end when you find that person whose suitcase perfectly coordinates with your own. By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
Can A Player Be Tamed?
I'm not a big fan of labels, and so let me just pose this question upfront- if you are in the dating game, then aren't you a player? Perhaps in ancient times "players" were men (like Mr. Casanova), who unabashedly chased women, but hello we are in the 21st century now and there are plenty of assertive women these days, who have no problem approaching men and negotiating deals to meet certain needs without ever developing an emotional attachment. So, to be perfectly blunt anyone who equates physical intimacy with emotional intimacy is an idiot in today's world. We all have different goals and not everyone is playing by the same set of rules, which indeed makes the dating world very complicated, but one thing is for sure-- at the end of the day each one of us that opts to be in the market is looking for something, until one day the stars happen to align and you find someone worthy of your undivided attention. Those that like the game and keeping their options open may never settle down. Some might think these are commitment phobes, while others may consider these enlightened ones smart enough to avoid the old "ball and chain" married lifestyle. Honestly, I don't see the need to pass judgment, but more importantly, I want to make sure you don't delude yourself into thinking that because you really like someone you are going to be able to make him/her commit. A true player cannot be tamed-- unless s/he chooses to surrender of his/her own accord. While the idea of a settled, comfortable life is quite endearing to some, there are those that find the notion of settling down quite repulsive. Someone who enjoys life, and has many passions, seeks excitement and the idea of being trapped is simply unbearable. This type of person is only going to commit to someone that is willing to seek adventures together and can ride the roller coaster of life. It is a playmate with a kindred spirit that will tame a true "player," and so you should not take it personally if that just doesn't fit your lifestyle and goals. Each one of us seeks something out of life, and someone to share it with, but no one should ever try to impose his/her agenda or will on another human being. We were each born with the freedom of choice, [...]
Some Rules Are Meant to Be Broken
As a person that finds great comfort in having rules, I'm sure it will shock you to hear me say that some rules are meant to be broken-- especially when dating. Some of the "rules" I find ridiculously stupid include this notion that you need to play it cool, so that even if you really enjoyed a date, the girl should wait for the guy to text, and he has 3 days to do so if he wants another date. Well, what if I really had a nice time, and just want to send a thank you text that same night? What if that guy doesn't want to wait 3 days to let me know he wants to get together again? Should we both sit home starring at the ceiling waiting to see who makes the next move? If you want to play it safe, then wait, but I say if you are playing for keeps, you have to go with what your heart tells you to do. Another stupid rule involves intimacy-- some have asked me if you are expected to sleep with someone by Date #3. Really? After age 30, who cares what date number you are on-- what is more important is how you feel about the situation. Obviously if you want someone to respect you, then on Dates #1-2, I'd try to keep it at the PG-13 level, but after that, I don't think there really are any steadfast rules. You have to go with your gut on this one, at least in my opinion. Questions about when you have an exclusivity talk and discuss using the terms "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" are really hard to answer, because a lot depends on the two people involved, and what their expectations are about the relationship. Obviously when two people are just out to have fun, an entire 6 months could go by without ever having an exclusivity talk or using terms like boyfriend/girlfriend. Meanwhile, if by Date #3 you establish that you don't want something casual, and you agree to have STD tests done and are committed to forming a deep bond, then I think without even having to say anything you've already established that this is something quite significant. Personally speaking, over the last several years I got quite used to the "rules," and it really did not bother me if someone went away for the weekend without checking in, or if they [...]
Is Your Love Lost In Translation?
People communicate in different ways-- some are better at expressing themselves in writing, or through music, art or dance. Others are more comfortable sharing their sentiments verbally or through touch. Some prefer to show their feelings through gifts, shared experiences or small acts of kindness. Then there are those who may lack an ability to truly communicate their feelings to others. And precisely because there is such a range in ways we can express ourselves, a lot can get lost in translation when you are not speaking the same language. According to Dr. Chapman, the author of 5 Love Languages, the key is to first figure out what your love language is, and then find out which is your partner's love language. In order to successfully communicate your love you need to let your partner know what you need to feel loved, and you have to make an effort to do what your partner needs to feel that s/he is loved by you. It takes effort to communicate effectively-- to share your thoughts skillfully and hear your partner attentively. But nothing is worth more of our effort than making sure our love is successfully received by our intended recipients. And we also need to learn to recognize when our efforts are in vain, or our feelings are not reciprocated for nothing is more demoralizing than pursuing a lost cause. Remember, life is a great stage, where all of our passions are played out, and it may take you a very long time to find someone that can understand and appreciate your love language, but hold out for that moment-- you will know when you find it because everything will just fit perfectly, and you won't feel like anything is being lost in translation.
Have You Tried to Find Clues From Your Own Past?
Recently, it has been an interesting experience to read through past blogs and see how much of what I predicted has in fact came true, especially with my theory in 2011 that finding my dad would change my outlook on love and life. The blog entitled "A Puzzle That Took 38 Years to Complete" was the first one to go viral, and since then so many have written to tell me how my writing has inspired them in some way. Finding my family was not an easy journey, but then again, nothing worth while in my life ever came easily. And in trying to go back further, I've been re-reading some of my earlier writings. It really is as if I left myself some notes in the event my older self ever faltered or lost hope. Now perhaps you may not have left yourself written clues the way I did, but maybe look back at old photos, or go back home and try to retrace some of your steps to reconnect with your younger self. Who knows what you will find? Here is an old poem I wrote in 1991, which I have never shared with anyone. It really all makes so much sense now...RevelationWalking along the beach-not a soul in sightThere was a beautiful peacefulnessas the moon's light glistened in the water.Too there was a touch of sadness-a melancholic hueon the tranquil colored canvas.Alone, it became clearthe image before my eyeswas but a reflectionof deeper, darker depths.The moon represented the guiding light in my life,the sea was the uncertainty of the future.I would need to captain my own ship and maintain hope--hope that I would overcome the darkness and reach the light.While I was filled with faith, there was a sadness toofor the journey was long and lonely,and I realized then what lay before mewas a life full of wonders and joy,but I would need to learn to livea life with great moments of solitude.I guess my 19 year old self nailed it. Hope you can go find a message that your younger self may have left you in a time of great need-- it is there, you just need to find it!
Dating, The Old School Way
Long ago, before we all had mini computers attached to our hips, there was really only one way to instantly connect with someone you liked-- you had to pick up the phone. A decade ago, no one had unlimited access to texts, emails FB or Twitter posts giving you this ridiculous false sense of connection with another human being. The art of seduction was actually slow, deliberate and incredibly cerebral, and those of us that still remember these days with great fondness will only be wowed by someone that can follow the Old School Ways. While Facebook, Linkedin, Twitter, emails and blogging all serve a purpose in my daily work life, let me be perfectly honest that in my personal life what I value is quality one-on-one time with someone. I don't want a pen-pal relationship, what I want is a grown man that will pick up the phone so I can hear his voice, and then we can laugh together. A stupid "hey" text does nothing for me, other than show me that you are checking in, but what I really want is for you to make time and show up in person. If you care, then let's have a real time conversation that brings me closer to you. If I wanted to date my iPhone, why wouldn't I just turn on Siri? Nothing in the world comes close to the affectionate gesture of holding hands while going for a walk. And if you really want to know what melts a GenX girl's heart, it is listening to the sound of a person's voice while taking in his scent, feeling his breath on you and seeing his eyes smile. To hear that man's genuine laughter and feel butterflies flying around in your stomach while he makes you feel alive. There simply is NO app that will ever do this for you, and yet every week I hear people report that once they've met the right partner, these long lost feelings have returned even after age 50, 60 or 70. When you find that person that makes your heart skip a beat, time seems to stand still, and somehow despite all the crazy logistics involved you find a way to see each other, make plans for the future, and dream together. You will find yourself waking up excited and smiling each day. The birds' songs will seem sweeter and the [...]
How Far Have We Strayed From the Garden of Eden?
Every year, it is with great joy that I see the spring blossoms while people decorate their homes for Easter and prepare to celebrate Passover with their loved ones. Yet rarely do we discuss outside of a church or synagogue the historical events that led to the creation of these special days. I myself did not realize how little I had covered with my own son until I recently took him to see the movie Noah, which led to a lot of questions that I assumed had already been answered. So perhaps this week, as many of us take time off for the high holy days with our kids, we should take a moment to pass on some of our thoughts-- deep thoughts about creation and our human existence. Personally, I have spent a lot of time thinking about our exile from the Garden of Eden, which is by far one of the most powerful and thought-provoking stories about our human condition. This beautiful story actually seems so much more relevant today than ever before, because let's all be honest, in Eve's shoes, which one of us would not have taken a bite of the forbidden fruit? Not because we necessarily want to disobey God and his rules, but because our natural curiosity is immense and when we don't understand the basis behind a rule, it is easy to dismiss it. The fruit that dangles from the tree of knowledge is alluring beyond belief, and we are surrounded by tempting snakes every where we go these days, however, it is not always so easy to identify the snakes in the grass as perhaps it once was so very long ago. And so it is that life in the Garden of Good and Evil, which is where we find ourselves today is indeed full of many challenges. Mischief is easy to find, and now more than ever we need to give our kids a moral compass that will help them stay the course so they can stay true to themselves and maximize their full potential on Earth. Sometimes, I hate to admit that it feels like I am living back in the days of Sodom and Gomorrah. Yet, somehow every day I also manage to encounter little of acts of kindness that remind me that gentle souls do still exist. Angels seem to appear at the most opportune times, and miracles [...]
Is This As Good As It Gets?
The dating scene can be exhausting, and sometimes we may need to just opt out for a while when we find ourselves in complete disgust after a series of bad dates, but more often than not, what seems to be a very prevalent practice is to settle for Mr. or Ms. Right Now, just to have some fun with a person that appears decent enough-- knowing full well that s/he is never going to go the full distance. Short-term lease situations do serve a purpose, no doubt, but I think it's important to recognize your own pattern and establish time-frames for a reality check with the other person. Does that person realize that s/he is nearing the end of the relationship's shelf life? It's not fair to string someone along, so honest check-ins are important. Personally, I have found my options for renewal tend to surface after 5, 10, or 15 months. Sadly, in the last 20 years, only one person made it past the 3rd renewal option phase, and ever since our divorce, I've often found myself playing the dating game wondering: is this really as good as it gets? To survive, we all develop different skills, and one of my best is the ability to compartmentalize. What does that mean? It means that with someone that isn't a father, I don't talk much about being a parent. With someone that isn't passionate about his work, we talk about outside interests. With someone that is not well-traveled or well-read, we focus on activities and doing entertaining things together. So by doing this we can find common ground with someone while closing off doors to other parts of our life-- but I have to be honest, that can only last for so long. The reality is that the bar has been set quite high as to what I believe an amazing partnership without limits can look like, because I have lived it, and I'm surrounded by friends that have achieved it. To be able to speak your mind without the need to compartmentalize-- to be with someone that isn't just attractive on the outside, but also has a beautiful mind with depth and an appreciation for life-- these are not just fiction stories you read about, it is the benchmark we should all strive for with a life partner. While waiting for Mr. or Mrs. Right to come along, no [...]