Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
Rethinking Your Career? You Are In Good Company
The last ten years have definitely changed many industries, including my legal world. The technological advances coupled with the Great Recession have led many to rethink their career options and priorities in life. Clearly moving forward in the 21st century, those that can proceed with an open mind and see the opportunities that come with change will be far better off than those that just want stability and predictability, which are almost impossible to find anymore. Whenever I have lectured to students (typically ranging in ages from 9-29), I have always emphasized the importance of continually exploring new options. The funny thing is even after grad school we need to keep thinking this way. In my own case, the way I practice law today is nothing like the way I was originally trained 16 years ago when I first began my career, or even 5 years ago, when I first gained recognition for promoting a more collaborative approach to divorce. Given the way things keep evolving, I have no doubt the next 5 years my practice will continue to change drastically, as will my needs in terms of what I find satisfying. Our careers are built on our skills, interests and values, but we must recognize that these things will all continue to evolve over time, and therefore, I think it is essential that we periodically reassess if what we are doing is truly in line with our ultimate mission in life. And if you have a life partner, it is critical that you check in with that person and make sure you are both on the same page as to where you want to head, otherwise you run the risk of having a major disconnect and growing so far apart that the connection you once felt will be nothing more than a distant memory of something from a previous life. Hopefully my work leaves no doubt that I care immensely about personal connections, and yet it is important for everyone to realize that work is such a huge part of our lives-- indeed most of us spend much more of our waking hours at work than we do with our families, and if we want to feel fulfilled, we have to find a purpose in our work life. We all need to feel connected and alive, otherwise what is the point? More importantly, if we are not happy at [...]
Are You Keeping Your Options Open?
We've all done it in the dating world-- at some point or another we have all kept our options open when we have not been 100% into someone, and I am indeed defending this frame of mind-- especially in the 21st century when there are so many options available-- as long as you are honest with yourself about what is going on and you do your best not to mislead someone else. To put this point of view in perspective, let's think of our actions in the work environment first. Now, if your job isn't fulfilling, everyone would expect you to keep yours eyes and ears open for better opportunities, especially if you have already confronted your boss to try and address your concerns and somehow your requests seem to fall on deaf ears. Eventually, you will either leave of your own volition or you will be asked to leave because it will become clear to your employer that you are not completely on board with the program. We all accept this as a normal part of life, and guess what? The same is true in personal relationships. Just as it is hard to find the perfect job, it is equally difficult to find that person that just gets you, yet since very few of us are okay simply being alone, most of us will temporarily settle for someone far less than perfect, as long as the situation is somewhat enjoyable. These people are often referred to as placeholders-- simply put they are filling a place in your life until something better comes along. That is fine- but you have to realize that when you are doing this, it's going to be very hard to close off other options because deep down inside you are still wanting to find something better. It is very hard to commit to someone who isn't meeting all of your needs, and I admit that wholeheartedly from personal experience. The fact is that in the past if I wasn't 100% intellectually, physically and emotionally fulfilled in a relationship, I had a hard time shutting doors and not returning to the recycle bin of past dates. And yet, when I have been completely into someone, I've had absolutely zero desire to look at others, and ending a chapter to start a new one has been super easy. If someone isn't able to commit, don't take it [...]
Are You Making Smart Choices?
Every day I see people make some pretty difficult choices-- the choice to either enter or leave a marriage is not easy, and it is my job to make sure people understand how these choices will impact them (and their finances) not just now, but in the future. The choices we make all have pros and cons, and it is important to think these through carefully and look not just at the short-term results, but rather the long-term consequences. Starting early on, we can all recognize that our studies will impact our career choices, and yet not everyone sees how those choices will have significant financial and emotional consequences not just for us in our adult lives, but our entire families. Some of us have to make very harsh decisions early on. It was not easy for me to give up a life in the arts to pursue a legal career, but I did not want to be a starving artist. Being a dancer and gymnast was a lot of fun, but it had a limited shelf life. Given the choice of feeding my ego or feeding my family, the latter is what mattered most. Thankfully, 20 years later I have figured out a way to bring back my creative energy, but not everyone is that lucky, and the question we each must answer for ourselves with every major decision we make is this: can you live with this choice? How we choose to share our resources (mainly our time and money) with those we let into our lives have a significant role in our enjoyment of life. I have repeatedly warned people that if they are not happy at work, it will affect their personal lives, and if you are not financially responsible, this too will catch up to you and cause havoc in your life. To achieve good "flow" you have to be at peace both at work and home-- you can't maintain a dual life, believe me I tried for years and it just doesn't work. The past few years, it has truly been an honor working with young minds-- not just at the law schools, but even at my local grade school and middle school, where the past 2 years I have been a volunteer instructor for Junior Achievement teaching kids about fiscal responsibility and making smart life choices. And so it is with great [...]
Are You Giving Your Partner an A for Effort?
In sports, academics and the corporate world, we rarely hand out an "A" for effort-- let's face it, it is all about the final results. That's all fine, but when you go home-- are you still bringing that attitude with you, or are you checking it at the door? If you want your partnership to survive, let me suggest you check the results-driven mindset at the door. Many people seem to have a hard time picking their battles. Everywhere I turn I see people bickering-- even on vacation. You guys all need to chill. Who cares if someone forgot to pick up the dry-cleaning on the way home? Does it matter if a diaper isn't changed the way you like it done? Is it really important how the dishes get loaded into the dishwasher or just that they made it out of the sink? If someone is 5 minutes late for dinner, forgot to get cupcakes or made something you did not want that night, really stop and ask yourself BEFORE you say anything, how important is this issue? These little arguments might seem insignificant, but let me tell you they all had up-- and what winds up happening is that someone will start to think that they can never do anything right so why bother making an effort at all? Indeed, if you don't give someone an A for effort, you should not be surprised when they eventually stop making any attempts to assist whatsoever. When you act like a nit-pick or nag, do you really think that is going to turn anyone on? It is NOT sexy to act like someone's mom or dad. If you keep doing this, it is the surest way to ruin your sex life. Once that intimacy starts to fade, if you don't address that issue fast, let me just tell you how that ends-- seeing someone like me for a divorce consult, and that really isn't a very pleasant place to be. Now, while I understand that some are really wired to want things done a certain way, within a certain timeframe, I hate to tell you this, but life has its own plans that may not correspond with yours, and we are not all brought up the same way. Our priorities might be different, and in my opinion no one has the right to dictate terms for an entire household. Rather [...]
Does It Really Matter Who Is At Fault?
As the trend of no-fault divorces has spread over the last 20 years, I have thankfully seen a dramatic decline in the number of clients that want me to portray the other person as Darth Vader. Don't get me wrong-- there are still some people that would love to have their exs convicted and placed in solitary confinement for life for crimes against humanity, but either they soon realize that divorce court is not criminal court or the economic realities of legal warfare kick in and knock some sense into them. Most logical human beings are able to grasp that there are two sides to every story, and many are able to accept that each person is always going to be entitled to his/her own point of view on why things unraveled. However, there are some people that just cannot accept any blame for anything-- it is always someone else's fault. These types are a lost cause as far as I'm concerned, but for the remaining 80% of you that can appreciate your less than perfect status as a mere mortal on Earth, I have high hopes for you-- especially when it comes to creating healthy relationships. We all have different priorities, interests and passions we want to pursue, and a good partner will respect your autonomy to do what you need to do to feel fulfilled. But as we evolve, sometimes we may find that our interests may compete with one another, and if you are not cut from the same cloth, you will soon find the competition turns into fiery clashes. Personally, I see myself as a hawk-- I need to be free to fly, I need to hunt, and at the end of the day I need to return a warm, safe nest. Now, I am happy to share my nest with another-- as long as it remains a safe and inviting place to come home to at night. Most men I know are exactly the same way-- the problem is that a non-hunter does not always appreciate the work and sacrifices that are made outside the nest. Their lack of understanding leads to resentment, and those negative feelings seep out into the relationship creating an unstable environment at home. Who wants to come home to that? No one. And so it is that the slow, downward spiral begins as the conflicts continue to escalate until someone [...]
Making the Case for Online Dating
I never thought it would come to this, but here I am writing about the importance of keeping an open mind after 35 and trying the online dating scene. Why? Well, it really is quite simple-- how else are you going to screen through a bunch of people while juggling work and kids? We all barely have time for the friends we already have in our lives, so without wasting a ton of time and still preserving our egos and livers, it has become amazingly easy to screen out potential dating candidates online from the comfort of your own home or on your smart phone. The fact is that over 20% of people are meeting online now, and there are a ton of options that cater to different tastes and preferences. My last three friends to marry (one is a doctor, the other is a lawyer, and the third is a PR exec) all met their husbands online, and many of my clients, all highly educated and decent people, are finding quality people through the various sites. Here are the most popular ones that I've heard of: 1. Match.com 2. Zoosk.com (which is also an app with a carousel that lets you scroll through pics); 3. Chemistry.com (which is owned by Match.com and tries to match you based on personalities) 4. Eharmony.com (known for those wanting a serious relationship) 5. Our Time (for those over 50); 6. How About We... (you finish the sentence by suggesting a fun date) 7. OK Cupid 8. JDate (for those that want to date Jewish people); 9. Christian Mingle (for those that want to date Christians); and 10. Plenty of Fish If you don't want to s*it where you eat by dating people at work or in your building, which could lead to very awkward situations when things don't work out, then I highly recommend you give the online thing a shot. I'm not saying it will be easy, and I'm definitely not vouching for the integrity of everyone on those sites. The fact is there are creeps everywhere, and it is up to you to be savvy about the information you put out there and the measures of precaution you take to guard your safety-- and sanity. The online scene has definitely improved over the last 10 years, and it can be a lot of fun. Here's hoping you will feel like a [...]
Don’t Get Jaded By The Dating Game
No matter how much of a gamer you are, let's face it, after a while all of us can get tired of the games. It is exhausting to always have your guard up, to always feel like you are on the hunt, and to always be negotiating for the best terms possible while you are trading assets. Unfortunately, the more tired you become, the more tempted you might be to lower your standards. And once you do that, let me just warn you, it's a very easy ride down a very slippery slope, and the slow incremental decline might go unnoticed for a while until sadly one day you realize you truly have hit rock bottom. We have all dated someone that has left us wondering in the end, "WTF, how did I let things get so bad?" And I know it sucks at the moment, but let me just say this is actually a good thing-- because hopefully it will force you to take a break, regroup, and have you ponder (1) what do you truly need? and (2) what are things you absolutely won't negotiate away in the future? The clearer you are about what your own agenda is in life and love, the greater your chances of obtaining your goals. It is all about knowing what you want, and then being your own best advocate for what you believe you deserve. Personally, I believe there are some basic minimum standards we should all be able to agree are necessary in a life partner: (1) trust-worthy; (2) respectful; (3) kind; (4) generous; (5) able to give and receive love. Of course there are many other factors that each of us might need but that is simply a matter of personal preferences, which can vary greatly, and over time you may find your preferences will change without ever trading off on those bare minimum standards. So, if you find you've really hit the bottom of the barrel in the dating world, don't despair. It is a very polluted pool to swim in, and sometimes for your own sanity, you will need to get out and detox. This could take 3-9 months, at least that is my pattern, and just make sure you use it wisely. It's not about having a drawn out pity party at home-- rather it is about using the time to reflect on your vision [...]
Don’t Ignore the Money Talks
Over the years, I have had the privilege of working with many forward-thinking couples on developing contracts that govern how couples will handle money and share assets once married. Clearly in light of the Great Recession, this has become a hot-button topic among couples as evidenced by the surge in prenups this past year. Now, I realize this may not be very romantic, but the harsh truth is that couples cannot ignore money discussions, and it will continually be a work in progress for families to work on a realistic budget, saving for retirement and/or college, and paying down debt. Two people may be in love and yet have completely different views about money. Rather than ignore these differences, they need to talk about them. Unfortunately, many avoid money talks and sometimes naively believe that as long as two people have good incomes, there shouldn't be any problems. In fact, what I've seen is that the more people make, the more they tend to over-extend themselves with expensive homes, cars, etc. Furthermore, those that come from wealthy families have significant external pressure to protect that family wealth, and emotions can run high when legal discussions are involved. Most lawyers are generally trained to detach from emotions, and once our clients share their concerns with us, it is simply our job to draft the right legal documents to address their concerns, including: (1) cohabitation agreements, (2) prenuptials (aka "prenups") (3) post-nups, (4) trusts or wills, (5) family limited partnerships, and in the unfortunate event that things do not work out (6) Separation Agreements. These are all part of my every day vocabulary, and my firm belief is that as long as people can articulate their concerns and find common ground, the legal contracts drafted should preserve the peace and protect everyone. For those that have a problem discussing money with their partners, seeking the advice of a neutral person, such as a couple's counselor or certified financial profession to facilitate these difficult talks might be a wise investment. Let's face it, money talks are inevitable and can make or break a couple. Having realistic expectations of what each party can and will contribute financially on the road to happily-ever-after is perhaps not very romantic, but is a reality of life and love in the 21st century. Here's the tv interview I did for Money Matters on this subject: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MS6ekFYr9Pg By Regina [...]
How Do You Reboot?
A lot of people ask me how I am able to decompress, how I find time to write, or how I manage not to let work as a divorce lawyer get me down in the dumps. One word: boundaries. Over the past decade, I have really made it a point to detach from work, so that it does not seep into my personal time with family and friends. My evenings and weekends are mine, and if someone cannot respect that, then we need to terminate the working relationship because my mental and emotional well-being is not for sale. In the meantime, I have a systematic way of rebooting, and here it is: 1. Meditate- Even just a few minutes in the morning, sitting in absolute silence are just golden. Give thanks for at least three things in life. Gratitude and humility go a long way, and there is no better way to start your day that with this in mind. 2. Connect with Nature-- Go for a walk either during lunch, in the evening, or on the weekends. Take in the sounds and beauty of nature. There is so much beauty around us-- and if you are like me & into flowers, go buy some for yourself. Nature has incredible healing powers. 3. Shut off the electronics-- No phone, tv, emails, or electronics for a least a few hours in the evening. Take time to read or listen to music. Write in your journal. Go to the gym and get all your aggression out. 4. Find Your Own Fun- Don't wait for someone to spoil you-- you know what you like and can spoil yourself. Book a spa appointment, take a language class online, bake some yummy cupcakes, and treat yourself to the movies alone-- no need to compromise with anyone, you pick exactly what you like! 5. Make Time for Loved Ones- It is really hard to coordinate schedules with friends sometimes. Let's face it we are all very busy and time is a rare commodity, but if you love someone, you have to make time to catch up, check in, show that you care. Don't take friends and family for granted-- they are your legacy, not your billable hours. So there you have it, my 5 tips to remaining sane in a crazy world. Hope you will take some of these tips to heart-- especially this Mother's Day weekend. And to all those [...]
Love Is A 2-Way Street
There are a lot of black and white thinkers out there, and two rather harsh sayings that really drill home this point are: (1) there are 2 types of people in this world-- those that like to screw others and those that let themselves get screwed; and (2) there givers and takers in life. Well, as someone who appreciates a world with varying shades of gray, I would like to think that most human beings at varying times have the capacity to either take or receive, and play different roles in the screwing process, as is appropriate under different circumstances-- especially when it comes to love. Love after all is a 2-way street when you are in a healthy, loving relationship. There should be times when one person may be the one giving, and the other should just graciously receive the gifts being offered, then the next time they would reverse roles, in such a way that they create a balance between them showing mutual love and admiration for one another. The problem of course is that there are some that are just pure takers, and sadly some incredibly generous souls that keep on giving and giving without realizing that their efforts are simply not being reciprocated or even appreciated. This is a very unhealthy dynamic, which I call a dysfunctional see-saw. Remember for a see-saw to work, you both have to make an effort and take turns, otherwise it won't work. In the divorce world, I see imbalanced relationships every day-- and now even off the clock they are very easy to spot. It is incredibly clear to me within a few minutes of observing a couple when they both feel like they are equally lucky to be with the other versus when one person clearly is just not as into the other while one appears to have fallen head over heels. It is very sad to see this lop-sided situation, but even worse is when you have a major disparity in power. Those are a recipe for disaster. No one should ever have the feeling of having the upper hand in a balanced relationship. When that sentiment exists, that means there is a power imbalance, and this will lead to a lot of friction. Ultimately the one with the power realizes that s/he can do practically anything and can also walk away at anytime and it just won't matter much, and with such feelings of indifference, apathy [...]