Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
The Good, Bad and Ugly About Divorce
Let me do the bad news first-- if you are getting divorced, your assets will definitely take a hit, and if you have to pay alimony and/or child support, your monthly income will be going down substantially until your ex and/or your kids are off your payroll. On top of all this, if you have to litigate, the national average for a litigated divorce is about $25,000 per person (that basically covers 83 hours of an attorney's work at $300/hour, which is a bargain in most major cities). So, given that in general the less you fight, the more you save, from a simple economics point alone the goal should be to avoid court and try to work things out amicably through mediation or collaboratively with counsel trained to keep things calm. The good news is that over 70% of divorcing couples do work out an agreement without the need for a trial, and afterwards they manage to maintain at least a civil working relationship for the benefit of their children. Furthermore, studies show that most children are resilient, and that as long as their parents do their best to minimize disruptions and not put them in the middle of heated arguments, kids can weather this setback and bounce back just fine. (For more detailed info, check out Robert Emery's "The Truth About Children and Divorce.") As for the adults, most will be able to stabilize things within 2-5 years, during which time they create a new social life, find new meaning in their lives, and enjoy their new-found freedom away from all the pain, sorrow, or loneliness sustained in a loveless marriage. Now let's talk about the ugly, which I purposefully saved for last. These are the 30% that want to fight and air all the dirty laundry. I avoid these like the plague more and more because there are some seriously destructive forces at work here. There is a lot of negativity and hostility between couples in what we call "high conflict cases" and inevitably, litigators absorb all this negative energy around them. Dark forces are seriously at work when two people absolutely hate each other and want to spew venom at one another at any cost. These cases usually involve severe mental health issues and addictions, often with multiple incidents of domestic violence and/or emotional abuse. This is a side of humanity I would prefer never to [...]
4 Main Reasons So Many Second Marriages Fail
While many say falling in love is sweeter the second time around, and I sure hope they are right, the stats are quite staggering-- over 70% of second marriages fail. Why is that? Well, there are 4 main reasons from what I have observed over the years as a matrimonial lawyer: 1. Not Enough Time to Reflect- After the divorce, most people run. I don't mean that literally, I mean that figuratively. We run away from the pain by avoiding things like coming home to an empty house, spending quiet time with our thoughts, allowing ourselves time to grieve a major loss. Instead, we pack our calendars with things to do and go out of our way to stay busy and entertained with others, basically to avoid the feelings of being alone and lonely. How do I know this? Because I was one of the best runners ever-- I poured all my energy into work and my son, constantly made plans with others and kept myself highly entertained for years while avoiding the pain and loneliness of an empty house, until ever so slowly and gradually I started to calm down and seek a calmer pace, and with the gift of time, I started facing the big questions I'd been avoiding like: why did my marriage fail? What role did I play in the demise of our relationship? What should I do differently the next time around? Before we move on to the next marriage, we should all go through this exercise, as painful as it may be, so we can hopefully avoid making the same mistakes again. 2. Rushing Into Things- The desire to re-establish a partnership is so strong for those of us that enjoyed being married, that many of us will try to rush into a committed relationship, sometimes before the ink is even dry on the divorce decree. But why rush things? Take your time getting to know someone, their family and friends. Have fun and travel together. Enjoy the honeymoon phase for as long as you can before you get into heavy discussions about merging households and managing budgets. See how you do as a couple for one full rotation (365 days) around the sun, through good and bad times, and take big changes in baby steps. Too many major changes at once can cause a lot of instability, which may well jeopardize the stability [...]
Are You Comparing Apples with Apples?
It seems that many of my peers still fall into this trap of comparing their own marriages to those of their parents or grandparents, and somehow if the marriage isn't picture perfect, or worse ends up in a divorce, they feel like it is a huge failure that will reflect poorly on them. But to think this way makes NO sense whatsoever, and here are 3 simple reasons why: 1. Life expectancy- It was much easier to stay married to someone for life when you only lived to be 41 back in the day. However, it's a heck of a lot harder to put up with someone for double that amount of time now that we are expected to live into our 80's or longer. 2. More options for women- Thanks to tremendous advances in technology, medicine, and in the academic world, women in the 21st century are far better educated, better paid, and better able to manage their family-life choices than they were just 40 years ago. As a result, we have the ability to take care of ourselves and make our own families, without the need for a man to stick around. 3. Social changes- The increased acceptance of varying family structures has enriched our lives while significantly decreasing the stigma of not being part of an "intact family." Indeed, we now have gay marriages recognized in 17 U.S. states and over a dozen countries around the world, and the rate of live births to unwed mothers is now above 40% in our country. Blended families are much more common now, and with over 50% of married couples splitting, "divorce" is thankfully no longer a dirty word. All these forces have combined to create a more fluid world, which I find to be quite forgiving and beautiful. The fact is we all make mistakes-- especially those of us that marry young. That doesn't mean that our children, the product of those marriages, are a mistake or that they need to suffer for the sins of their parents. We need to do our best to minimize the negative impact of divorce for their sake, but at the same time we need to cut ourselves some slack. Too many parents seem to carry the guilt of a divorce for far longer than is healthy or necessary-- and I do feel your pain, I was once there myself. But if you [...]
Is There Really a Mid-Life Crisis?
Is there really such a thing as a mid-life crisis? Well, I wouldn't actually call it a "crisis," but rather a wake-up call that seems to occur when people hit their mid to late 40's. Why? Well, simply stated it has a lot do with the gift of finally having some time to think. The fact is that in our 20's and 30's most of us are so busy establishing our careers, finding a partner, buying a house, and having babies, that we rarely have time to think beyond our family's immediate needs. Then a funny thing happens in our 40's when we hit the half-way point of our life expectancy-- our kids become more independent, our careers are more established, and we start to see not just our parents, but some of our own peers get sick and die, which inevitably forces us to face our own mortality and find answers to some big questions, and I do mean BIG questions like: 1. What's the point of it all? 2. Am I really happy? 3. What have I done with my life thus far? 4. What's my real purpose here? 5. What do I want to do going forward? As we work through these questions, not everyone is going to decide to change life partners. Some just want to move to a different location or change careers, some want to modify how they spend their money or how they spend their free time. Inevitably, however, when you are part of a family, these kinds of major changes don't happen in a vacuum-- it only takes one person's desire for change to have a drastic impact on everyone around them. I call this the ripple effect-- and sadly, not everyone is going to be 100% on board with the waves of change, so they will resist any modification to life as they know it. This is what often leads to an unforeseen chain of events that 9 out of 10 times results in the need to restructure family ties, and that is what I then have to address every day as a divorce lawyer. Interestingly enough, most divorces are actually initiated by women, not men. The current stats show that over 65% of divorces after age 50 are filed by women-- and I think this number will continue to increase [...]
Where Do You Rank?
Like it or not, we all get ranked throughout life. Starting early on as athletes and scholars, long before we ever start our professional careers, the powers that be start tracking those of us considered to be the elite competitors, and while there are certainly some sweet rewards for being a top performer, what they don't tell you and you just learn over time is that it is all actually quite meaningless-- unless you have someone special to share in your struggles and rejoice in your triumphs. To truly feel like a rock star, the truth is that you actually have to find love first. Ironically, the more focused you are in seeking perfection and pursuing of all those trophies, ribbons, awards and prizes out there, the harder it is to find someone that can understand you and relate, and in the meantime what you will encounter is a lot of envy and jealousy, along with a ton of users and fair-weather friends. The sad reality is that the higher you climb up the ladder, the harder it will actually be to find someone that actually respects you and loves you regardless of whether you are on fire or in a slump, but believe me it is totally worth holding out for this. How do you know when somebody truly loves you? It should be super easy to tell because they will have an incredible ability to make you feel special, and in your heart of hearts you will know beyond question that this person thinks the world of you. Without any effort, you will find yourselves just checking in with each other every day, and neither of you will have any doubt that the other one cares deeply about you. You will both go out of your way to make each other's life just a little bit easier and more pleasant. You will take pleasure in both the extraordinary events and daily rituals you enjoy together. And, with each little act of kindness, you will demonstrate to one another on a daily basis that you are a priority in each other's life. As a result, as each day passes you will grow fonder and fonder of this person, who will take you to a whole new level of connection that you never imagined possible. It will seem as though that person was made just for you, and finally together [...]
Is 50/50 Really Fair?
At the risk of opening up Pandora's Box here, let me confess upfront that in my experience, it is incredibly rare to see truly equal partnerships. Most couples do not earn exactly the same, the division of labor at home is rarely equal, and the family resources we have available to us in the future can differ vastly, which may not play a significant factor when everyone continues to co-exist under one roof, but can greatly impact the landscape of what your life will be like post-divorce. In DC and MD, where I have been practicing family law the last 15 years, we do not have community property, but rather our laws state that in the event of a divorce the court has the authority to distribute the marital assets equitably. What is an equitable distribution? It means the court can assign to each party the assets in whatever manner it deems fair and reasonable after taking into account many factors, including the contributions made by each party during the marriage. Looking closely at how modern families function, it has become incredibly clear to me that those expecting a 50/50 division of household responsibilities are setting themselves up for a major fail. Instead, you need to be able to realistically discuss a division of chores that is equitable-- taking into account the demands of each person's job and the amount of flexible time s/he has while also recognizing that each individual is entitled to pursue some other interests, like sports or music that do not necessarily involve any other person in the house. If you cannot find a way to balance (1) me time, (2) our time, and (3) work time, you are both setting yourselves up for failure, and when that day comes, I promise you that you will hate having us outsiders analyze exactly how much you each made, spent and contributed to the creation of joint wealth, while dinging each person for any "bad choices" that may have led to the dissolution of your marriage. In court, we generally tend to reward those that make good choices and punish those that make poor life choices, but when it comes to property division, sometimes I do feel like our tendency to want to simply divide everything 50/50 isn't really a fair reflection of the time, energy, and money contributed by each party towards the well-being of the partnership. [...]
5 Reasons Why Transitions Are So Scary
Yesterday, I attended an interesting seminar, where a Certified Professional Coach that focuses on working with women in transition, was one of the presenters. She did a great job of explaining why transitions can create so much anxiety for people. Simply put, her point is that there are 5 basic needs that we have to meet to feel happy and safe, and unfortunately when we are going through life transitions, i.e. a new job, new place to live, new marriage, new baby, becoming an empty nester, retirement, death or divorce, it only takes one of these 5 needs to be thrown off whack to make us feel off kilter: 1. Financial Security- if you are not sure how you will meet your basic financial obligations, this is a huge problem. I see it every day in my divorce cases, and that is why I spend so much time teaching and advocating about financial literacy. Women today cannot rely on their husband's for financial support. You have to be able to pull your own weight in the event something horrible happens. 2. Identity- you have to be secure in who you are as a person. Your identity should not be tied to any one particular role in life, i.e. being a good mom, wife, or employee. You may switch careers, your kids will leave the house, and your spouse may die or divorce you. What are you going to do if these things happen? As painful as it is to go through an identity crisis, it does teach us that what we do doesn't define who we are. 3. Socialization- do you have friends outside of work or your home? Funny how everyone is your best friend while you are on fire-- until one day you or not, or you leave a company, and then you barely hear from previous co-workers. This is why you cannot put all your eggs in one basket, and you can't have your entire social life revolve around family. Kids will grow up, and they will cease to want to hang with their parents; meanwhile it is perfectly normal for your spouse to want his/her own independent time to hang with the guys or enjoy a ladies night out. We all need to have friends we can call our own. 4. Purpose- while this will certainly change as we go through the different decades, we all need to [...]
Can You Stop Yourself From Going Psycho?
Way too many people let their emotions run wild, especially when they get upset. Now, we all say things and do things in the heat of the moment that we may later regret, but some people really go off the deep end. I'm certainly not qualified to address the issues of those with major psychological disorders, but for the rest of us sane individuals that sometimes lose our temper, there is tremendous hope for learning to discipline your emotions. It takes practice for sure, but it can be done. When you feel yourself getting upset, your heart probably starts to race, your mind starts to race and/or you should notice that your muscles are tightening up. Literally, it is as if you are preparing for battle. Well as soon as you feel these things occurring, picture a pause button, hit it and take a step back. Before launching into a tirade, ask yourself this: what is the outcome I really want from the exchange that is about to occur? In law school, I was trained to strip all arguments of emotions-- we stick to facts, and we gather as much evidence as possible to support our statements. Outside of court, I use the same tactics when I get upset with someone--- I stick to the facts and try to calmly explain why I'm upset or disappointed. I'll be honest sometimes I'm not so calm, but I still stick to the specific set of events that made me unhappy. Why? Because just telling someone that I'm upset isn't enough. To say that I don't feel loved isn't going to help us find a solution together. If you want your partner to help you address an issue, then you have to clearly explain the basis for your feelings and invite that other person to then join you in developing a joint solution. Plenty of people have disappointed me in life, and I'm sure I've disappointed many because it is inevitable that we will all have expectations of others that just cannot be met. We each can only love to the best of our capacity, and our partners can either accept that or they'll find the need to move on. It really is that simple-- we can't change others, we can only change our expectations, and if someone's best isn't enough for you, there really should not be any hard feelings. When someone [...]
Can You Appreciate the Blessings of a Bruised Knee?
There is a book for parents called "The Blessings of a Bruised Knee," which basically suggests that sometimes as parents we have to let our children suffer the consequences of their own actions so that they can learn from their own mistakes. As hard as it is to let them fall, sometimes we must so that they can hopefully develop the skill of modifying their own behaviors. I must say, this same approach should be applied not just with kids, but all loved ones in your life. Too often as a divorce lawyer, I have heard my clients explain how much they covered up or overcompensated for their spouse's shortcomings. Psychologists refer to these people as "enablers" because their actions actually allow the spouse to continue with his/her destructive behavior unharmed. If their patterns of behavior cease to be tolerable, and yet you don't want to leave the relationship, then you are going to have to stop being an enabler-- and let that person suffer consequences for his/her actions because sadly, that is truly the only way someone may come to realize that his/her behaviors need to change. (I say may because some personalities simply cannot admit that they have any issues-- it is everyone else's fault, but never theirs.) Parents quickly learn how hard it is to control our own children's behavior. Indeed, all we can do is model good behavior, and dole out either punishments or rewards based on their actions. Well, what's funny is that I have realized over time that this same concept applies to our adult relationships. No one can ever control another's behavior, so all we can do is apply self-control and how we react to things that happen in life. When you find that someone's behaviors are upsetting you, I'm begging you to try and detach from the situation. Strip the emotions out of it as best you can and try to identify specific issues that you want addressed. Then, I think you need to try and have an honest conversation with the other person about what is not working to see if you can jointly come up with a solution. My belief is that for every problem there is a solution-- it just may not be the solution you want or think is ideal. You may want someone to stop drinking, stop working so hard, or stop bullying you all the time, but [...]
What’s The Downside To A Prenup?
This week on Money Matters, I had the privilege of sharing some thoughts on prenups, which are a growing trend among young professionals-- and no, not just those with trust funds. Why are so many looking into a prenup before they say "I do?" Easy-- because these people are smart enough to pay attention to the stats, which confirm that at least 50% of U.S. marriages will end in divorce. It's not that they want the marriage to fail, but rather that they want to (1) clarify upfront what will be marital and (2) minimize the damages in the event the odds do not play out in their favor. We all spend a lot of money on insurance to protect our major assets, including our house, car, health, and even life, so why not spend a minuscule amount for a prenup to ensure a smooth dissolution of your partnership in the unfortunate event that this happens? Think of it this way: when you get in a car and put on your seat belt, do you think the car will crash? Of course not, but you take this precaution just in case. Well, to me the same concept should apply to a prenuptial agreement. Simply put, a prenup is a legal contract that governs what a couple will define as marital vs. separate property. There are other things we can also include that I think are important, such as (1) alimony limits; (2) requiring life insurance; (3) addressing the issue of who will move out if things don't work out or how quickly you will list a house for sale; (4) requesting mediation prior to any contested court filing; (5) confidentiality clauses; and (6) absolute protection of intellectual property rights. Generally speaking, for these agreements need to held valid there are 3 basic requirements: (1) was each party represented by counsel; (2) was there enough time to review and negotiate the provisions; and (3) was there complete financial disclosure? Of course you need to check with local counsel to see what your specific state requirements are to uphold a prenup aka an ante-nuptial agreement. Ultimately, each engaged couple will have to do their own analysis of whether they want to get a prenup finalized before the wedding, but the question I would ask is this: what is the downside? I don't see the downside at all, in fact all I [...]