Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
Are You Getting Cold Feet?
Right before any momentous occasion, it is normal to be a bit nervous, but if you find yourself paralyzed with fear as your wedding day approaches, then maybe you need to stop and take a closer look at what is really going on. You need to find a quiet and safe place to try and figure out what is at the root of your problems, and then see if you can address them before you walk down that aisle-- even if that means postponing the event. I know no one likes to cancel plans, but if you find that you cannot sleep, you cannot eat, and/or you find yourself dreading the thought of making any plans related to the wedding, then there is something seriously wrong. Your heart should skip a beat when you see your beloved, but that is not the same as having heart palpitations and sweaty palms, which are signs of major distress and/or anxiety. Arguments are common when planning a wedding-- especially when it comes to budgets. Lots of couples have different points of views as to what is an appropriate amount to spend on the big day and/or the honeymoon, how many guests to invite, or the roles that the future in-laws should play in planning the event. Tensions can run high, which is why we all jokingly say that it's not a real wedding without some drama. But all that drama should be external, not internal. If you find the fights are quite nasty or way too frequent, you need to take a step back and ask why is there so much conflict? If the only issue is how you handle finances, well that might be easily addressed in a prenup, but if you are not communicating effectively that to me is a far more severe problem, and if you cannot get on the same page with details of just this one party, then you probably have very different values and you seriously have to question whether you really share the same vision for the future. There is no shame in calling off a wedding-- it actually happens all the time, we just don't talk about it much, except in Hollywood. Everyone I know that has done so always feels like they dodged a bullet and not a single person I know has ever regretted pulling the plug before it was too late, but [...]
Is There a Seven Year Itch?
Do you know why I like numbers so much? Because they tell a story, and numbers don't lie. We actually track a lot of data related to families, including how long marriages tend to last. The fact is 50% of all divorces are filed within the first 7 years. Does this surprise you? Well, it shouldn't and here is why: 1. The average person marries in their mid to late 20's-- right around the time that we are all trying to establish ourselves in our careers, while also trying to buy a house, car, and have babies, and unfortunately many of us are at the same time desperately trying to pay down our student debt. That is simply a lot to take on at once. 2. Navigating the complexities of a relationship is hard work, and making the choice to work through difficulties doesn't come naturally to most of us that are innately wired to fight or flee when we sense danger. Sadly, whether you avoid the battles or launch into war at full speed doesn't matter-- either way this is the wrong way to handle adversity with your partner. 3. Many seem to lack good coping mechanisms for dealing with stress. Unhealthy habits like drinking, smoking, engaging in risky behavior and over-eating are very common, and these activities often lead to the demise of a marriage-- especially when one person refuses to acknowledge that there is a problem. 4. Too often people marry for the wrong reasons, usually because they are driven by some artificial deadlines to find a spouse. Some people fall in love with the idea of being married, but they are not actually in love with the person they are marrying. Too many believe that they can either live with certain faults or change a person, and then later they find that these assumptions backfire on them. You either love (and accept) someone the way that they are, or you don't. It really is that simple, but usually we only realize this through our failed relationships. 5. Those that marry young still haven't figured out who they are, so the risk is quite high of growing apart as your mission in life and vision for the future morphs. If you are not on the same page as to where you want to head going forward, you can fall out of love. It rarely happens overnight, but [...]
Relationship and Marriage Advice | The Gottman Relationship Blog: Dr. Gottman’s 5 Tips for Summer Travel
These tips are great-- my favorite being the need to yield to win, so true! Relationship and Marriage Advice | The Gottman Relationship Blog: Dr. Gottman's 5 Tips for Summer Travel: In The Relationship Cure , Dr. John Gottman emphasizes the importance of vacations as a ritual of connection. Taking a honeymoon afte...
Is There a DIY Divorce?
I'm all for helping people save money, and thankfully over the last 10 years we have made major advances in revamping our court systems to make the required family forms more readily available and the uncontested divorce process more user-friendly. However, on a regular basis I still hear horror stories about people that tried to do their own divorces without the advice of counsel and how this ended in disaster, which reminds me of the saying: Penny Wise, Pound Foolish. Many courts offer free or reduced mediation services for their legal residents, but of course mediators are not allowed to represent or negotiate on behalf of either party, they are there to simply facilitate communication and help the parties reach a mutual agreement. Self Help Centers are another great resource, but they are often staffed with individuals that are not always attorneys, and while they can provide basic information about the process and assist pro se litigants fill out the necessary forms, they are typically precluded from giving legal advice. If you have issues pertaining to custody, child support, alimony or property division that need to be addressed in a divorce, don't you think it is worth paying the national average of about $300 for a consult fee to meet with an attorney and make sure you understand your rights and obligations? Knowledge is power, but education always comes at a price. In my opinion the consult fee is a bargain when you consider what is at stake. Once you waive your right to alimony or someone's pension, or a court makes certain findings regarding custody or child support, there are just some things that cannot be undone. The IRS has certain rules about how long you have to make tax-free transfers between spouses, and it will not recognize verbal agreements related to alimony-- it has to be in writing. Furthermore, most pension plans need a court order (which courts do not prepare) to distribute retirement assets without incurring taxes as part of the divorce. These are just a few examples of some little details that can be overlooked by someone that fails to consult an attorney, and these mistakes can have severe financial consequences. So, is there a DIY divorce? Sure, it's possible, but given what is at risk, you really need to ask yourself whether it may not be prudent to at least check in with a legal [...]
Are You Stuck In a Loveless Marriage?
Very few of us get married thinking that we will be among those whose flame will burn out, but so many of us fall into the same trap-- as the years pass, we take our love for granted and focus too much of our time and energy on work, kids-- even our pets, while failing to make our partners feel like they are a priority. Many just suffer in silence, but let's face it-- no one likes playing second fiddle, and it is precisely the resentment that will eventually kill all the passion. The harsh truth is that while many may contemplate a divorce, the economic realities of that choice will keep most people from actually pulling the trigger. If you have a established a very comfortable life under one roof, but you realize you cannot maintain that same life in two separate households, then many people will try to suck it up believing that everyone will be able to just maintain the status quo and keep up a happy facade. But all you need is one perfect storm to have the whole house of cards come crashing down-- and the storm is inevitably going to come, it always does. Whether it is a health scare, the death of a loved one, loss of employment, an economic crisis, or something else, life will always present us with challenges that make us reassess our priorities and question whether we are on the right path. If you and your partner are not in sync during these moments of existential crisis, this is going to be a real issue. Why? Because you can't be on a tandem bike and have two people go in separate directions-- that doesn't work. It is of no surprise that one of my all time favorite plays is "No Exit" by Jean Paul Sartre, who portrays hell as being a place where you are stuck for eternity with others that you cannot stand-- and there is no escape. Well, marriage should not be your hell on Earth. It is meant to be your sanctuary, so if it is not, then do something about it: either fix the issues or get out, it really is that simple. There is a new tv series coming out this month on USA Network that will explore this dilemma that many 40/50 somethings seem to be facing. I got a sneak peak [...]
How Do You Define High Maintenance?
The phrase "high maintenance" seems to come up a lot, and whenever it does, I cannot resist asking some basic follow up questions, such as: 1. Do you expect someone to provide for you financially, or can you hold your own? Being self sufficient is a great sign that you are not high maintenance, at least from a materialistic point of view. If you can't carry your own weight, however, well that is a big problem, especially if you have champagne taste on a beer budget-- and by that I am referring to working with your own sources of income. The magic number seems to be an income of $70,000, at which point most professionals I know in the DC Area can live decently-- a very attractive quality to those in the dating scene that aren't interested in adding someone new to their payroll. 2. Do you do thoughtful things for others, or do you just expect others to cater to your every need? If you are considerate of others, and do nice things for them on a regular basis to show that you care, then wanting someone to reciprocate is not high maintenance. But if you just expect everyone around you to kiss your ass while you do nothing in return, that is just plain selfish. 3. Do you take care of yourself, or are you just holding others to an impossible standard? If you stay in shape and eat healthy, dress nicely and put effort into your overall appearance, then you have every right to want a partner that shares in these values. However, if you have let yourself go, you cannot expect to attract someone outside your league-- let's be real, 10s don't marry 2s. 4. Do you know how to discipline your emotions and communicate effectively? This one is a biggie-- because we will all get upset at some point. It is simply not possible for someone to meet all our expectations 100% of the time. When this happens, can you have an honest discussion with your partner about the things that are bothering you without flying into a rage, completely shutting down or having a tantrum? No one wants to deal with someone that is a total loose canon. As long as you can hold your own financially, don't hold others to a higher standard than yourself, and are not an emotional basket case, then [...]
Do You Think You Know Your Type?
A lot of people believe they have a "type" that they are attracted to when looking for a partner. This may not be such a good idea, however, to limit yourself-- especially if those limitations are based on superficial qualities like hair or eye color, a certain fashion style or a person's career choice. Furthermore, if your friends are starting to hint that your "type" isn't really working for you, then maybe it is time to take pen to paper (if you are old school like me) or create a list on your smartphone and write down what characteristics you want an ideal partner to have, as well as the top 5 character flaws you cannot tolerate. The type of person I would ideally like to meet is someone smart, funny, kind, financially responsible and into healthy habits. From this you can glean that my top 5 deal breakers would be someone that is not very intelligent, has a mean streak, is a financial basket case, lacks a sense of humor and doesn't care about maintaining a healthy lifestyle. With your own list in mind, you can then go forward with a clearer sense of purpose-- you are screening for traits that match your must-haves and don't trigger a visceral reaction by avoiding your list of what you can't stand. If you want to successfully date, then you have to view it as a social experiment and go in with an open mind. Meeting new people has always been an exciting adventure for me, and I've always felt like I could learn something-- good or bad-- from each encounter. It is about stepping outside your comfort zone, and testing your capacity for love and understanding of others until one day you find that perfect person-- the one that steps into your life and allows you to see why it never worked with anyone else before. Embrace your curiosity and don't be afraid of the answers you may hear. When you listen to your heart, it will all make perfect sense. While many will come into your life for a season, or perhaps a specific reason, very few are those bonds that last a lifetime. The more open you are to what the universe presents to you, the more likely you are to reap life's beautiful rewards. How will you know when you discover your real type? Because [...]
Why is Relocation With a Child So Difficult?
Summertime is finally here, and that is typically when most parents that want to move try to do so-- but make sure you know your rights and obligations before you do so. If you have an existing court order or agreement regarding custody that gives the other parent regular access, then you have to take into account how your move will impact the custody schedule. In court, our standard is easy: what is in the child's best interest? To make this assessment we look at many factors, but usually convincing a court to allow a move that will take a child away from all his friends, school, doctors, and the other parent is not easy. Sadly, some people ignore court orders or agreements and just do what they want. Well, just know that there can be severe consequences for that. In 1980, the U.S. enacted the Parental Kidnapping Prevention Act, which makes it a federal crime for a parent to move to another state with a child in violation of a court order. And if you move overseas without permission, you will likely trigger a Hague Convention proceeding, where the Central Authority of another Hague Convention country will ask the foreign courts to order the return of a child to the U.S. The State Department, which can be of great assistance in these cases, maintains a list of all countries that are signatories to the Hague Convention here: http://travel.state.gov/content/childabduction/english/country/hague-party-countries.html If a parent takes a child without the other's permission, time is of the essence in tracking down where they have gone, and in addition to calling the local authorities, there are many resources available, including the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children: http://www.missingkids.com/home Rather than create total last minute chaos for everyone, try to have a conversation upfront with the other parent-- you may be surprised. In several of my relocation cases, the parents have been able to work out alternate schedules without the need for a trial-- although we always make sure to submit the final agreement for court approval so that everything is legit. If you cannot work out an agreement, then be prepared for a lengthy trial process-- just because you think it is an emergency, doesn't necessarily make it a judicial emergency. In the end, while every parent has a Constitutional right to move wherever s/he wants to go, that doesn't give that person the [...]
Relationship and Marriage Advice | The Gottman Relationship Blog: Relationship Alphabet: M is for Money
This is a must-read for all those about to tie the knot: Relationship and Marriage Advice | The Gottman Relationship Blog: Relationship Alphabet: M is for Money: M is for Money By Zach Brittle, LMHC Usually, when two people get married, they stand up in front of their friends and family and t...