Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
3 Top Reasons to Get Married
People are motivated to marry for different reasons, and if there is one thing I have learned over the years is that there is no point in passing judgment on others. While ideally, we may all wish people would only marry because they believe they have found their soulmate, the fact is that as the years go on many get tired of the dating games or being alone, and the ticking of biological clocks or perhaps certain economic pressures often cause people to make compromises. Half of these unions will last, and half won't-- it's a bit of a crap shoot, but hey you're never going to win unless you play. Just be honest with yourself about what is at stake and which of these 3 reasons is motivating you to go on: 1. Financial Security- Since the beginning of time, marriage has been a way for families to establish financial security, and in today's society there are many financial benefits to being married, such as reduced insurance rates and shared living expenses. The problem of course is that financial situations fluctuate, and as we saw during the Great Recession (i) no one has a guaranteed salary, and (ii) investments, including real estate can become worthless. This begs the question of whether you will be able to stay with someone in good times and in bad times, and that will greatly depend on a person's character, not their wallet. 2. Having Children- Even though 40% of children in the U.S. are now being born out of wedlock, the majority still clearly prefers bringing kids into the world with an intact family. It makes perfect sense that we would want our children to live in one house with both parents, assuming those two can happily co-exist under one roof, but again in order to ensure that it's not just about screening someone's genes to see if s/he would breed good babies, but is that person a loving and decent human being that will join the child-rearing responsibilities, even when times get tough? 3. Love- Hopefully we can agree that there are different types or degrees of love, and that you can love someone without being "in love" with them. The difference in my opinion is that when you are in love with someone, you don't see any of their faults and then find ways to overlook them. Instead you [...]
Have You Budgeted for Those Extra-ordinary Kid-Related Expenses?
Lots of parents mistakenly assume that once their kids are out of diapers and eligible for public school the child-related expenses will decrease substantially, but here are some of the surprise expenses that I have found many do not properly budget for, and not just in a divorce scenario: 1. Medical Expenses- Kids get exposed to a lot of germs and as a result are often sick, we know that, but unfortunately they also sometimes start to exhibit issues overtime that may not be as apparent at an early age, such as ADHD, dyslexia, anxiety or depression. Not all of these expenses will be covered by insurance. Also, braces is a big ticket item often costing about $3,000 per round, with many children now needing 2 rounds. 2. School Fees- Private school in the DC Area typically runs about $25,000 per child or more. Even if you opt for public school there are regular fees for field trips, prom, and extra-curricular activities that can add up to $400 a month or more. Many kids will also need tutoring or take a weekly music class, which can easily cost $50 per session. And if you want your kids to go to college, they probably will need an SAT prep class and each application to a school is at least $55. 3. Transportation- Eventually, we would all like to stop being personal chauffeurs for our children, and that means ponying up for drivers' education, permit fees, and eventually access to a car with car insurance. This is a very expensive necessity that is often overlooked and comes with a huge sticker shock for most parents. It is no wonder that the national average for raising a child in the first 18 years is over $125,000. Intact families will struggle together to address these issues, but sadly those in separate households often engage in huge feuds over these unanticipated expenses. Unfortunately, there is a lot the courts cannot order parents to do and either you will rise above your differences to address your children's needs or not. Here's hoping you do your best to plan for these "extra-ordinary" expenses, which actually are quite ordinary.
Have You Tied Up Those Loose Ends?
Once the final divorce decree gets entered my job is essentially done-- unless later on people need to revisit support issues or modify their time-sharing arrangements with kids, and these two things do happen all the time as families continue to experience changes in life. Some people are great about working together post-divorce and addressing these issues themselves, others not so much... but I'll save that for another day. Today I want to highlight a few things that many forget to do after they separate and/or divorce, such as: 1. Wills & Powers of Attorney- You need to find a trusted person to act as the executor to your Last Will and Testament and/or trustee for any money you will leave in a Trust to your children. Also, if something happens to you, who will make medical decisions for you and/or manage your money? Health care power of attorney designations need to be updated and you may want to consider having a Springing Power of Attorney, which essentially springs into effect if you are incapacitated and allows someone to pay your bills, etc. 2. Beneficiary Forms-- You need to contact your life insurance provider and retirement plan administrators and update the forms so that money doesn't accidentally/unintentionally go to your ex-spouse. If you haven't set up either of these things previously, now is the perfect time to contact a financial planner that can help you determine the appropriate amount of insurance you will need to protect your loved ones and a target amount of contributions you need to start making to provide for yourself when you retire. 3. Health Insurance- If you are dropping someone from your health insurance plan due to a divorce, you need to let the company know, and if that person is entitled to COBRA, they need to get the right forms asap. If you need to get your own policy or add a child, don't delay in getting all the information necessary. There are some very unforgiving deadlines that must be met and ignorance of the law is no excuse. 4. Banking- Have you updated all your contact information and closed out all joint liabilities? If you have any doubt that your spouse may have opened accounts in your name without your knowledge, then get a credit report and make sure all the information is correct. Unless you have agreed to maintain a joint account [...]
Have You Taken A Real Vacation Lately?
Europeans have the right attitude taking full advantage of their 20-30 days of paid vacation a year. Meanwhile, here in the U.S. it seems the only paid time off people respect anymore is when you are at a funeral or on your honeymoon. What is up with that? I do admit the last time I took a month off of work (other than maternity leave) was 20 years ago after I graduated college. Ever since then, it's been go, go, go and sadly the American culture over the last 10 years has really taken a turn for the worse when it comes to respecting the need for people to unplug and take a break. This observation was fully validated yesterday in the Express article that pointed out that every year there are approximately 577 million days of unused vacation days by U.S. workers that just get lost. Now, how sad is that? While many of us do know how to enjoy our weekends and do short getaways, it is becoming rarer and rarer for people to truly unplug-- and by that I mean no emails, calls or social media. Can you do that for a full week? I urge you to try. Last week when I took my son on his first trip abroad, I got to fully unplug, and let me just tell you that it was awesome. To truly decompress, you have to totally disconnect from work. You may think you are a critical person, but let me clue you in on a harsh reality: everyone is replaceable, and life will go on without you. It makes no sense to work like a dog all the time if you cannot take a few days off to enjoy life with your loved ones. Corporate America can only offer you financial rewards, but at what cost to your overall well being? And what is the price you are paying with your personal relationships? If you don't make time for others, don't be surprised when they don't make time for you. Now if money is an issue, you just need to get creative. There are so many package deals available at all price points, including through services like Priceline, Groupon or Living Social. Use points on your credit card if you can or airline miles, and you can always reach out to friends to see if they have a place you [...]
Survival Tips for Single Parents
Most of us dream of providing our children with a happy and safe intact family situation. But when that doesn't pan out, we have to move on to Plan B. Unfortunately, not everyone shares the same vision for what Plan B should look like, and if the two parents cannot reach an agreement, then it will be left up to a court to decide what your Plan B will look like, and let me be perfectly candid-- that is a very nasty and expensive ordeal that thankfully over 70% of us will avoid. Regardless of how you arrive at Plan B, the point is we all need to quickly learn to make the best of a bad situation, especially for our kids' sake. To do this, there are a few key things you have to try and learn to do sooner rather than later after your separation/divorce: 1. Work Through the Emotions- You have to get past the anger, disappointment, anxiety, and/or feelings of betrayal in order to move forward. Harboring resentment is not healthy, and it's not sexy. The sooner you can let go of the past, the sooner you can be open to what the future has in store for you, including the possibility of finding love again. 2. Be Flexible- Certain provisions related to children are not necessarily written in stone-- precisely because we know that over time 60% will remarry and have a new blended family scenario, plus it is normal and expected that financial circumstances will change and/or adjustments may have to be made to kids' schedules. Revisiting these arrangements is normal, so you need to be able to roll with the changes. 3. Filter Information- Kids don't need to know all the details about why their parents split up, nor do they need to hear about the issues you are arguing about or how afraid you are about the future. Every child is entitled to a childhood-- and what that means is that they should just be able to enjoy life both at home and school, know that their parents love them and will provide for them, and they should feel free to express their sentiments without fear. 4. Find an Ally- Whether it is a shrink, your mom, or your best friend, it doesn't matter-- but you need to have someone you trust in your life that you can vent to from time [...]
5 Simple Steps to Untying the Knot
Untying the knot doesn't have to be messy or expensive. Here are 5 key things I ask my clients to do for themselves to make the divorce process go as quickly and smoothly as possible, at least on our end, without knowing of course how the other party is going to respond: 1. Gather financial documents- We need to know all the assets and liabilities accumulated during the marriage. If you are claiming some assets are non-marital, we need proof. Get estimates for the house and cars, and run a credit report to confirm that you are fully aware of the liabilities in your own name. 2. Prepare a monthly budget- You will have to make some educated guesses as to what your reasonable monthly expenses will be after the separation/divorce, especially for necessities like housing, food, clothing, medical care and transportation. Once you have that number and take into account your monthly income, we can figure how to address any deficits. 3. Do an inventory- No attorney or judge I know wants to hear about the "stuff" in the house. Make a list of all the items with approximate values, and then try to come up with your wish list of what you want to keep. If your spouse doesn't agree to certain things you could play the coin toss game, or sell it and divide the proceeds. 4. Look at a calendar- With respect to time-sharing arrangements with kids, each family has a different schedule that is tailored to suit that family's needs, so there is no exact formula, but generally speaking we can all accept that there will be a range of 4-15 overnights with the other parent that need to be identified so that the children can count on regular and frequent contact with both parents. 5. Get advice- You need to know your legal rights and obligations before you embark in this process, even if you then proceed on your own, and it is just as important to check in with counselor, even if just for 3 sessions. Divorce brings up so many emotions, and unfortunately emotions can cloud a person's judgment, which is exactly what makes my job so challenging. The assistance that mental health professionals can provide to an individual going through a divorce is invaluable-- not just during the legal process, but even long after my job is done. Those that do [...]
Can You Think of the Greater Good?
Last year, when I interviewed the Executive Director of the National Institute for Relationship Enhancement in Bethesda, I asked him what he thought was the #1 threat married couples face, and much to my surprise his response was this: the American culture. Ever since then, I have given his answer a lot of thought, and the fact is our society does place a huge emphasis on independence and the pursuit of an individual's happiness. These are the fundamental principles that our country was founded on, and as great as these ideals are, they are indeed contrary to the mindset necessary for promoting a good marriage and healthy family ties. Unfortunately, over the last 30 years, the culture in the U.S. increasingly seems to focus on money and instant gratification. I hate to be harsh, but my MTV generation and all those after us are either going to realize the error of this way, or we will sadly continue to see many marriages fall apart because individuals can't think beyond their own needs and wants to consider what might benefit the greater good. You have to be able to compromise and learn to balance between giving and taking, otherwise it won't work. If we really want to promote healthier relationships, then we are going to seriously have to change some of our core American values. For a more detailed explanation of this, here is the Youtube link to the show: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c539yawl86g By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
5 Best Post-Divorce Life Lessons Ever
Divorce is an unfortunate setback in life that many of us will have to learn to overcome. In the throws of it, it is so hard to see things clearly, but thankfully once the storm passes, from a much calmer perspective most of us do come to understand exactly why things had to end, and we learn to appreciate the opportunity to move forward forging a new and very different path. Looking back at the past several years, I have so much to be grateful for, and among all the beautiful post-divorce life lessons there are to experience, here are my top 5: 1. It's Okay to Ask for Help- I could not have weathered all the transitions over the past 9 years without my life coach, who not only helped me get past the guilt, anger and sorrow I felt upon ending my marriage, but also guided me through many difficult life decisions, including major shifts at work and home in order to create an environment that reflected my true values. In addition, there is simply no way a single parent can manage (and maintain his/her sanity) without the assistance of family and friends. Each little act of kindness might not seem like a big deal in and of itself, but at least when I look back at how much my loved ones, and sometimes complete strangers like the school personnel and other parents have contributed throughout the years to help me raise a healthy, happy and well adjusted child, I am filled with nothing but immense gratitude. Whenever I thought I was about to falter, somehow and in some way, a good samaritan came along and saved me. From the stories I have been collecting, this is a common experience among divorced individuals, and if for some reason we cannot pay back the favors done for us, at least we can do our best to pay it forward. 2. Keep It Simple- After my divorce, I streamlined my expenses and moved to a much smaller apartment, which I could clean on my own within hours. By carefully thinking through needs versus wants, I was able to cut out a lot of excess, and by not being so over-extended, I was able to reduce a tremendous amount of stress in my life and be more available to family and friends. The calmness I feel within is obvious to all [...]
Top 10 Things That Drive People Crazy
Navigating relationships gracefully is a skill that doesn't seem to come naturally to most, but you know there is a reason they say practice makes perfect, and I do believe that over time, we can learn to discipline our emotions-- especially if we can figure out the why. Over the years, while helping people unravel their marriages, I've identified some common behaviors that have a great tendency to set people off, and if you want things to last, then here's what you should avoid: 1. Not listening. We all want to be heard and feel like our partners understand us, and if this is not happening it is an incredibly valid source of frustration. 2. Needs not being met. If you are specific with someone about what you need, i.e. 2 date nights a month without kids, and your request is ignored, resentment is seriously going to kick in fast. 3. Repeat Offenders. When you call someone out on something for the first time, it's only fair to cut them some slack if they had no idea that behavior would piss you off, but if the person continues to repeat the behavior I see no point in giving that person further passes. 4. Broken promises. We all want to know that we can count on someone to do what they say they are going to do; that is precisely how you build trust. If someone isn't true to his/her word, what is the point in subjecting yourself to ongoing disappointment? 5. Going radio silent. Many of us may need to disconnect when we are upset so that we can think things through carefully, but I wouldn't recommend going MIA for more than 24 hours. When you are calm and can rationally explain your sentiments, you should clue someone into the reasons why you are so upset. To shut someone out completely without explanation beyond 48 hours is just plain cruel. 6. Not enough quality time. To feel special and loved, you need to spend quality time with your partner, and when that person is continually unavailable, it is inevitable that you will feel abandoned and taken for granted. 7. Name calling. Hopefully by college most people have outgrown this bad habit-- how is it helpful to call someone a nasty name or tell them that they are "wrong" for feeling a certain way? The point of language is to communicate [...]
Do You Have A Bi-Polar Love?
Have you ever felt like you were on a roller coaster ride while dating someone? Believe me- this happens a lot. I don't know where Lionel Richie and Diana Ross got their inspiration for they lyrics to "Endless Love," but let me tell you what I hear about more and more each week are cases of a love bi-polar, which Katy Perry so eloquently described as follows: You're hot, then you're coldYou're yes, then you're noYou're in, then you're outYou're up, then you're downYou're wrong when it's rightIt's black and it's whiteWe fight, we break upWe kiss, we make up Does this sound crazy? That is because it is, and if this is your current situation, I just have 2 words of (non-legal) advice: GET OUT. Love is supposed to make you feel warm, safe, and calm. You should feel soothed when you are around your partner, not like you are walking on egg shells. For those that need help understanding this phenomenon I highly recommend this book by Paul Mason & Randi Kreger: Stop Walking On Eggshells. Many people feel stupid for getting into one of these relationships, but they shouldn't-- a lot of high conflict personalities do a wonderful job of hiding their dysfunctional traits in the beginning, and especially when you are young and naive, you may not fully appreciate the depth of someone's mental illness. And while it is sad that someone may be sick, you really have to question if that is something you want to live with-- because it is kind of like being around someone with the flu, eventually you too will get sick. Seriously, if you want a thrill ride, go to an amusement park, but DO NOT put up with roller coaster rides in your relationships. If you need help setting boundaries, there are some great books and counselors that can help with this, and if you find that the other person doesn't respect your boundaries, well then, you need to find a way to end it. These bipolar relationships are unfortunately quite common, and very unhealthy. I'll tell you this- no will ever fault you for leaving, the real question is why would you stay? Life is simply too short to go around walking on eggshells-- that's not what love is like at all. We all deserve far, far better. By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.