Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
What Legal Services Can You Afford?
For those about to embark in the divorce process, it is important to understand the four main types of services that we generally provide for clients with family law matters: (1) initial consults; (2) flat-fee services for preparing specific documents; (3) alternate dispute resolution; or (4) representation through retainers. Initial consults are key because they provide clients with an overview of the law, including their rights and obligations, as well as a detailed explanation of the legal process. It is important to obtain this information, together with an expert's advice on strategy, early on and usually a one-hour consult in the DC Area ranges from $300-$600, depending on the attorney's reputation and level of experience. Flat-fee services are typically offered for drafting or reviewing Separation Agreements and/or uncontested divorce documents simply because the time involved with these services can easily be predicted. Flat-fee arrangements are not available in contested situations. Alternate dispute resolution is conducted outside of court and includes using an attorney as a mediator or working in a Collaborative Divorce Process. In these arrangements, you may be able to pay as you go for these services, without the need for hefty retainers because you are agreeing to avoid litigation and instead focus on an amicable settlement. Representation through retainers requires clients to pay a deposit towards the legal services requested. Essentially, it gives clients the ability to have a lawyer "on call." When we are on retainer, we provide on-going advice and consultation, negotiate with the opposing counsel, draft all necessary documents, and attend court appearances as needed. This full-level of service is not something that many can afford, which is why in a post-recession world we have seen a dramatic rise in limited engagement retainers that dramatically narrow the scope of an attorney's representation. Limited engagement retainers are a bit controversial because there is a concern that people may not fully understand what this means, but I believe this a-la-carte style of purchasing can be easily explained to customers, who will then have greater control over their expenses. These limited engagement retainers typically exclude representation in court, which is the most costly aspect of our legal services. The point is that we get to coach our clients through the process, helping them file the appropriate legal documents and advising them on strategy, without any commitment to appear in court. Of course if that client's case does not [...]
Should I Stay or Should I Go?
Lots of couples will ask themselves this question as the holidays approach: should I stay or should I go? If you are really on the fence, you may want to check out Gottman's book, "What Makes Love Last?" Personally, I feel that if you are asking this question, you probably already know the answer. Below is the link to a short article that covers the legal points you should consider in a divorce: http://www.wealthstrategiesjournal.com/regina-a-demeo-what-are-the-key-points-to-consider-in-a-divorce/ Here's a Youtube video with one of my MD colleagues explaining the dark side of divorce: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-SG_OXfOUYk If you want to set up a personal consult in MD or DC, please feel free to email me at rad@reginademeo.com
The Gottman Relationship Blog: The 6 Things That Predict Divorce
The Gottman Relationship Blog: The 6 Things That Predict Divorce: The 6 Things that Predict Divorce By Michael Fulwiler The first step toward improving or enhancing your marriage is to understand w...
VA, MD and DC Finally in Sync With Gay Marriages
Here's this weeks Love & Money column explaining the significance of having all 3 jurisdictions in sync re gay marriages: http://www.wealthstrategiesjournal.com/by-regina-demeo-va-md-and-dc-finally-in-sync-with-gay-marriages/
9 Steps to Self-Awareness
The past few years, I have been on an interesting journey, which involved finding my father, questioning my career choice, and revamping several of my personal relationships. Talk about pursuing the road less traveled-- let's be real I went well way off course from the cookie-cutter path I was expected to follow. And yet, I know without a doubt that I did exactly what I needed to do to get to where I need to be today, and I am so glad I questioned everything and anything I was ever taught. Now, I'm betting more GenXers will do the same as we become increasingly aware that life is actually full of options and alternate realities. After I finished my television project for "Making It Last" this spring, I went on an equestrian retreat to learn more about connecting and leading from your core. Then, I unplugged from the Matrix this summer and went to Iceland. When I came back, I decided to celebrate my birthday by going on a challenging obstacle course that involved climbing various ladders high up into trees and zip lining through Rock Creek Park. Why? Because I have found that I really dig challenging my reality. But before you start testing your outer limits, I suggest digging deep within first, and the best way to do this is to follow these simple tips from "The Soul of Leadership" by Deepak Chopra: 1. Stop struggling. 2. Keep listening to your inner voice. 3. Meditate to reach your core. 4. Test your boundaries. 5. Remain centered. 6. Look beyond your personal beliefs. 7. Gather information from every source. 8. Learn to have clear intentions. 9. Value inner peace. I have to admit, I was originally afraid of turning 40-- I thought that meant it would be all downhill from there. But instead I have discovered that life really becomes much more interesting after 40- it is totally what you make of it. And going forward, I will remember this quote from Italo Magni, "if you talk with your head, you will speak to others' heads. If you talk with your heart, you will reach others' hearts. If you talk with your life, you are going to reach others' lives." It has been an amazing journey connecting with so many brilliant minds and caring hearts all these years, but now with whatever time remains, I want to focus [...]
Do You Know What You Want?
If you are a GenXer questioning a lot these days, don't worry-- you are in good company. As we all hit the "mid-life" point we are bound to question whether life has worked out the way we wanted it to, and if not, we are painfully aware that there is no time like the present to make a change. For some that may mean re-evaluating work, for others it's a time to rethink our personal relationships, and it could even be we need to tweak a little bit in both areas. Questioning is a good thing, but to do so properly you need to make an effort at doing these three things: 1. Unplug- you need to disconnect from the Matrix. Seriously, you need to realize that the social media distractions are just a way to avoid time alone. But time alone is good. If you need to, try this in baby steps. First unplug for a few hours a day, then ramp up to a weekend, then maybe a whole week while on vacation. If you miss it, then you don't need to give it all up cold turkey, but who knows? You may discover, as I did this summer, that you really don't miss all the updates, and after reaching this conclusion you may even decide to delete the Facebook app from your phone, as I did recently-- and I have not missed it since. 2. Find Silence- go for a daily walk, try meditating a few minutes each day, or just enjoy sitting in silence without any electronics and let your mind wander. It may not be easy at first, but if you stick with it, you will find that silence is golden. It helps center you and allows you to re-engage in tasks with a greater, clearer purpose. 3. Listen to Your Heart- do something because you really want to do it, not because you think you have to or feel pressured to do so for another person's sake. The truer you are to yourself, the more authentic you will feel, and others will notice and appreciate that you are being genuine. These 3 simple steps helped me over the last few years confirm that I enjoy my work, but I also enjoy volunteering so I made more time for that in my life; meanwhile there were various relationships that I needed to readjust, and once [...]
Top 6 Reasons Most Avoid Divorce Court
Splitting up is never easy, but luckily over 70% of people will either experience an amicable or civil divorce, with less than 10% ever going to trial. Is this proof that "conscious uncoupling" is really the new trend? I highly doubt it, but rather what this demonstrates is that most of us are rational people willing to set aside our emotions in order to reach a pragmatic solution to our legal problems. Here are the main reasons most divorcing clients will opt to avoid a trial: Minimize legal costs and instead preserve the family's wealth; Maintain confidentiality-- very few actually want to air their family's dirty laundry in public; Lessen the emotional toll a trial would have on the family and close friends/business partners; Preserve goodwill and foster an easy co-parenting relationship for the sake of the kids; To set their own pace in the divorce process (you can go as fast or slow as you need to when not under court-imposed deadlines); and Having the parties own the outcome by not allowing a judge or arbitrator to randomly decide the family’s fate. It is unfortunate that some will not be able to reach a resolution outside of court, but at least they are definitely in the minority, and while there are still plenty of gladiators out there that thrive on those court battles, many of my colleagues are learning to appreciate the wisdom of promoting alternative dispute resolution methods. Whether it is for personal reasons, finances, or the kids' sake that you choose to end things civilly, just know that you are in really good company. Hopefully you will find a wonderful guide that can help you put the past behind you and embrace serenity, so you can easily move on to the next exciting chapter of your new life. By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
Which Box Do You Find Yourself In Most?
According to Dr. Gottman, who is the author of "What Makes Love Lasts?" and is by all accounts one of the leading relationship experts, there are 3 boxes we can find ourselves in while interacting with our partners: (1) the Nice Box; (2) the Neutral Box; or (3) the Nasty Box. I'm sure we all wish we could only stay in the Nice Box, but the reality is that about 70% of the time we'll be in the Neutral Box, and the great take-away here is that this is perfectly okay-- what you want to avoid is the Nasty Box. Research shows that to maintain a healthy, loving relationship you need 5 good encounters to every 1 bad interaction. A 5:1 ratio is easy to keep up when you trust and respect one another, turn towards each other during sliding glass door moments, and work together on solving problems as they arise. If this is an issue, it's definitely one to ignore. There are lots of great resources out there for those that want to work on enhancing their relationships. Dr. Gottman offers some great tips through his blog, and the website is: www.gottman.com There are also plenty of experts you can find by going to www.psychologytoday.com Here is a link to an interview I did with a local relationship expert, Dr. Mary Atwater, who offers tips to help couples improve their relationship: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e9qoZkTLKrI Here's hoping you avoid the nasty box, and find a way to make your love last! By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
Are You Arguing About Money?
Finding love is the hard part, figuring out finances should be easy. If you find yourself arguing about money, sit down and map out your options. It's actually not that difficult to address 3 main points: 1. Joint Expenses- Most modern couples that I know or have worked with have a joint account to pay joint bills, but then each party maintains a separate account for his/her own discretionary spending. Each couple may define joint expenses differently, but generally most people agree that the cost of food, housing and entertainment are joint expenses, and either you contribute to them equally or on a pro-rata basis given your respective incomes. The bottom line is to come up with a plan that both feel is fair. 2. Debt- If you are uncomfortable with how much someone spends, then maybe you should each maintain separate credit cards and each person is then responsible for his/her own charges? If you are going to use a joint credit card for expenses, maybe you need to establish a cap so that for example no one will charge more than $250 without the other party's approval? If you don't agree with someone's choice to take on more debt, then don't co-sign on the loan. The main point to glean from any debt situation is that we each have a right to limit what we are willing to take on. 3. Legal Responsibilities- When you live with someone, you tend to take on joint obligations, but not enough people take the time to actually legally acknowledge their rights and responsibilities to one another. If you want to be sure that you are not left in a vulnerable financial position, then perhaps it is worth investing in a formal agreement to memorialize your understanding of who is entitled to what. For non-married couples, cohabitation agreements can address major issues regarding paying expenses and rights to joint assets. For couples considering marriage, a prenuptial agreement can set forth what will remain separate versus joint, and if there will be any exposure to spousal support in the event of divorce. For those already married, a post-nuptial agreement can deal with all these issues. The goal of all three documents is to clarify everyone's understanding of how the partnership will function financially so that all parties involved can go on to live happily ever after. Here is the link to one of [...]